This Bitch Is Bringing It

@CW_CrazyXGF

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) Poster

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (Mon, 8/7c, CW) opens at a summer camp in 2005 where we meet Rebecca, who gets dumped by Josh at the end of camp. Fast forward 10 years, and Rebecca is on the verge of making partner at a law firm. But she freaks out, and goes down to the street to take some prescription meds when she sees Josh across the street. After a brief conversation, Josh tells her that he is moving back to West Covina, CA, so she goes back upstairs and declines her promotion to Junior Partner and moved to CA. The unfortunate part about this, is she tells us that she is moving to CA via song. I hate it when people bust into song. She not only busts into song, it explodes into a full-on production number. Frowny face.

Naturally, after making such an enormous life change, what is the first thing she does? Dumps out all of her medication, which I am sure were the meds keeping a lid on the crazy until now. She takes a job at a West Covina law firm, and immediately arouses the suspicion of the head paralegal, Paula, who I am sure, is going to be the fat, sassy source of comedic relief. The firm’s communications director, who sits in a cube next to fat & sassy, is older and spicy. She hasn’t said much yet, so I am not sure what her function is going to be. The boss, who claims to be 1/8th Chippewa, seems like a complete idiot. He wants Rebecca to represent him in his divorce since “his wife’s Jew” went to CSU – Long Beach, whereas “his Jew” went to Harvard & Yale. So he is not only an idiot, he is also racist. I am sure there is a lot of comedy to be mined there!

She goes to a bar, meets a cute-ish bartender who happens to know Josh, and invites Rebecca to a party that he knows Josh will be at. This puts her in a good mood at work the next day, which the paralegal is all over. She lets Rebecca know that she is not buying her big bag of bullshit, which was kind of funny. Next thing you know, a montage of her getting ready for this party ensues and she busts into song again. Singing “Sexy Getting Ready Song” which actually wasn’t that bad, but still.

Then the pilot turned a corner. Paula figures out why Rebecca is here, and is fully on-board to help her try to get Josh back. They become instant friends, THEN THEY START FUCKING SINGING ANOTHER GOD DAMN SONG. At the end of the number, Paula says, “Do you want to go drive by his house? Oh, this is going to be so much fun!!” Judging by the preview of episodes to come, this show may be so much fun also.

Grade: B-

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@AHSFX

American Horror Story (2011) Poster

American Horror Story (Weds, 9/8c, FX) is back. Let’s get in.

Let me start by saying that I did not finish Freak Show. Dandy was a very grating, annoying character, and I couldn’t take it. Plus I just lost interest. Coven is still my favorite, followed by Murder House, then Asylum. My dissatisfaction with last season, coupled with the news that Caitlyn Jenner’s face icon, Jessica Lange, was leaving the show pretty much moved AHS to the #onelessshow bin UNTIL I read that an obscure singer was joining the cast. Lady GUH-GA. I feel like that phone call went something like this:

Ryan Murphy’s Assistant: “Please hold for Ryan Murphy!”

Lady Gaga’s Assistant: “Nope.”

<CLICK>

<RING RING>

Ryan Murphy: “Hello, Stephanie! It’s Ryan. How are you?!”

Lady Gaga: “Call me Gaga.”

Ryan Murphy: “Caitlyn Jenner’s face icon, Jessica Lange, has left my show. Do you want to step in for your monsters?”

Lady Gaga: “What would my character be?”

Ryan Murphy: “A vampire called The Countess. Don’t worry, she’s nothing like the Discountess on Bravo.”

Lady Gaga: “‘Money can’t buy you class! Elegance is learned.’ Gurl, you shady! What would my character do?”

Ryan Murphy: “PUMP LOOKS, HONEY!”

Lady Gaga: “WERRRRRRRRRK!”

In the premiere, she pumps cunt look after cunt look. It is amazing. Her and ol’ Matt Boner (serving bronzed, guyliner deliciousness) roll to a screening at a Hollywood cemetery, and bitch is in elaborate encrusted silver gloves, a huge diamond necklace, and gorgeous red gown/cape combo. It’s stunning. And by the way, Matt Bomer + guyliner + multiple shots of his bare ass = EVERYTHING. But let me back up. This season is called Hotel, and takes place in the Hotel Cortez in Los Angeles. As the premiere opens, these super annoying Swedish girls are arriving in America for vacay and are staying at the hotel. From the outside, it looks run the fuck down. You get inside, and the lobby is an art-deco dream. But these bitches aren’t having it. You know who else isn’t having it? Kathy Bates as the NOT THE ONE front desk clerk Ethel Darling. Hospitality goes out the fucking window with this bitch… she could totally work at the Saks at Polaris. Needless to say, shit goes south for those two hoes.

The majority of Murphy’s AHS crew is in attendance. In addition to Kathy Bates, we have seen Sarah Paulson as Bette Tattler, giving me Jane from Daria as a blond extra from Existenz with her crimped hair (where’s her future purse?!); Denis O’Hare, who is giving you white Kevin Aviance realness as Liz Taylor. You can expect Evan Peters, Emma Roberts, Angela Bassett, that fucker Dandy (Finn Wittrock), etc to show up. Wes Bentley is also back, this time as a police detective. Schmidt from New Girl, checks in giving you gay hustler drug trash.

Enough about the cast, can we get into what Tobias Funke’s business card really meant by Analrapist? Holy. Shitballs you guys. So Schmidt is in his room at the Cortez slamming heroin. He starts hallucinating, then Rubber Man’s white cousin, Addiction Demon, appears and he is ready to get. it. ON. *YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET A STUNNING* Addiction Demon, flips Schmidt over, pulls his ass out, dons a strap on that looks like a fucking horse dick-sized drill bit and proceeds to get in that ass. It is mesmerizing… mostly because I couldn’t believe this made it to air. It’s not a quick scene either, you get to see it from all kinds of angles. Fast forward to the cemetery screening, Gaga & Boner pick up a hot couple (a sexy ginger and an Asian chick), take them back to the hotel, start getting their groove on and right when it is time for Boner to get on that ginger,  it turns into True Blood. “Oh yes, there will be blood.”

Grade: A-.

 

#HowToGetAwayWithMurder

ABC-How-To-Get-Away-With-Murder

THE CAST

Viola Davis is Annalise Keating, a ball-busting power attorney and law school professor serving serious “That is a wig, bitch” eleganza, who really needs to bring everything down a notch.

Billy Brown is local cop Nate Lahey.

Katie Findlay is Gibbins’ across the hall neighbor Rebecca Sutter. She was Rosie Larsen on The Killing. She gives me Blair Waldorf all day long.

Charlie Weber is Annalise’s investigator Frank Delfino. He’s beardy sexy.

Liza Weil also works for Annalise. She’s Bonnie Winterbottom. She. Is. A. BITCH.

Tom Verica is Annalise’s wandering husband Sam.

THE LAW STUDENTS:

Alfred Enoch is wait-listed Wes Gibbins. Alfred has 16 acting credits. Half of them are the Harry Potter films.

Jack Falahee is Connor Walsh, and he can get it. He’s the man-whore of the group.

Aja Naomi King is Michaela Pratt. Michaela is annoying as all get out.

Matt McGorry is Asher Millstone. You’ll know him better as John Bennett, the cute prison guard on Orange Is the New Black.

Karla Souza is Laurel Castillo. She’s the whore of the group.

THE PREMISE

A “suspense-driven” legal thriller about a group of law students and their mysterious criminal defense professor.

LET’S CUT THE SHIT

This show is beyond ludicrous.

Annalise Keating is another strong black woman from Shondaland, and it shows. Annalise is very testosterone-driven and aggressive. Imagine Olivia Pope after a couple cycles of T. She’s hulkish and needs to dial it back a bit. Don’t get me wrong, I love Viola Davis. I am just questioning some of her acting choices here. I agree with Brandy Howard (The People’s Couch) that Viola should be saving that one-tear snot crying for the movies. That is a $10 million cry.

Annalise’s students assist her with cases she is working on. That’s all fine and dandy, but she does not care that they have other classes they should be attending. In fact, we don’t see them in any other classes, and they always complain about the classes they are allegedly missing. The truth of the matter is, none of them will become lawyers. They will all fail out because they are skipping other classes. What they do for Annalise, and what she demands of them, is basically a full-time job. Isn’t it customary at all law schools that students are forbidden from working during their first year? Why wouldn’t Annalise have third-year students working for her? The first-year student with a bachelor’s degree in fashion merchandising from CULA that was a Zeta Lambda Nu sweetheart, president of her sorority, Delta Nu, and last year’s homecoming queen is not going to be providing the quality of assistance that a third-year would. Am I wrong?

Annalise and her husband are both cheating on each other. We find out immediately that she is sleeping with Nate because Mr. Gibbins walks in on Nate feasting on Annalise’s down low parts in her office. Annalise seems like the kind of chick that would slash your tires, baseball bat your windshield and black your eye if you got one text message that you couldn’t explain, yet she is cheating also. In her defense though, Nate could get it.

The only character I care about is Connor. Connor is an unapologetic man-whore who fucks dudes to get what we wants. No shame in her game. Plus he is evil-hot, and I live for that. He should have his own spin-off show called How To Get It In.

I don’t enough about this show to continue though. I had high hopes, then it just got more and more ridiculous. If you are still tolerating it, then good for you. But I am not the one.

THE GRADE: B+ (the pilot); F (every episode since)

 

 

 

#Blackish

Blackish-logo

THE CAST

Anthony Anderson is Andre “Dre” Johnson, advertising executive, husband, and father of 4. Whenever I think about Anthony, one of the first things that springs to mind is the scene in Transformers where he says something like, “Nah, man. Freddie’s got 5 blades! That’s some Wolverine shit!”

Tracee Ellis Ross is Dre’s wife, Rainbow. Yes, I know. She is a doctor who needs to get her hair under control. I don’t know her from anything, so I had to look her up. Turns out she was on Girlfriends, in Hanging Up with Lisa Kudrow , and sadly, played Kristin in Lohan overturned vehicle Labor Pains.

Yara Shahidi plays oldest daughter Zoey. Her first acting credit is an episode of Entourage. I don’t remember her in that. I also do not remember her being in Salt, and I sure as shit never watched a single minute of Alex Cross. I do, however, remember that she was in the pilot of Bad Teacher, and she was also “Young Olivia” on Scandal.

Marcus Scribner plays Andre, Jr. He only has 5 credits to his name, and this is his first series. His first role was on Castle in 2010. He was born in 2000, by the way. What did you do when you were 10?

Miles Brown and Marsai Martin play the youngest Johnson children. They are twins. For whatever reason, it took me several episodes to realize that their names are Jack & Diane.

Laurence Fishburne wanders in and out of scenes like he’s in a fugue state as Pops, Dre’s father. He is serving Furious Styles-in-retirement realness.

THE PREMISE

A man struggles to gain a sense of cultural identity while raising his children in a mostly white, upper-middle class neighborhood.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T BE WATCHING

It’s boring.

The acting is fine, and even the premise is quasi-interesting. A rich black family living in a white neighborhood want to hang on to their “blackness” but still be able to use their “white voice.” I get it. My only question is where are the jokes? IMDb describes the pilot like this: Like any parents, Andre “Dre” and Rainbow Johnson want to give their children the best. But their offspring’s childhood is turning out to be much different from theirs. They now realize at least two things: there is a price to pay for giving their children more than what they ever had, and these loving parents are totally unprepared for the fallout. So basically their kids are spoiled, and they cannot handle the demands of such children? Paging The OC, Gossip Girl, 90210, etc. After the pilot aired, we had a conversation with Anthony Anderson on Twitter about the show, and even though we were not giving it any love, he couldn’t have been nicer. He even wished us well in our search for something more to our liking.

The premise of the second episode doesn’t break any new ground either. Rainbow, thinking that Dre is too much of a prude to do so, has “the talk” with Junior much to Dre’s dismay. Not to be outdone, Dre decides to give Junior his version of the talk and shit goes south real quick. Not because Dre’s talk was a disaster, but because it piques Junior’s interest so he begins to bombard Dre with non-stop sex questions. Those questions are where the new ground is broken, however, it wasn’t really enough to hold my interest. That was until I gorged myself on the next 4 episodes in one sitting.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

The LOL’s have arrived.

The quality of the show increases exponentially in the next four episodes. In “The Nod,” Dre tries to explain to Junior why all black men do “the nod” to each other in public, and why he should use it to expand his social circle. Meanwhile, Rainbow wants Diane to be a doctor when she grows up. Diane is not having it, especially since her mom wears the same thing to work everyday. But then Rainbow takes her to work with her one afternoon and Diane witnesses an emergency trauma patient come in bloody as all hell. Lil’ girl is MESMERIZED by all the blood. Paging Dexter Morgan.

“Crazy Mom” is probably my favorite episode so far. Dre agrees to take on Bow’s mom duties for the week, and the overwhelming praise he receives from everyone at the kid’s school goes to his head. His need to outdo everyone quickly escalates to great comedic effect. It is a great episode.”Crime and Punishment” is a should we or should we not spank our children. It is starts when Jack deliberately hides in a clothing rack at a department store and it sends Bow into a frenzy. Jack, by the way, for lack of a better term, is the idiot child. (Zoey is a typical teenage girl, Junior is the kinda naive overachiever, Diane is NOT THE ONE, and then there’s poor Jack). This episode is fine, but then the show brings back the funny with “The Prank King.” The Johnson family have a tradition of pranking each other on Halloween, but that tradition is in jeopardy when the older children balk at pulling pranks. Dre fears it will ruin his holiday fun, so he kicks it into high gear. Probably my second favorite so far.

It is this very reason why I prefer to give a show that has potential three episodes before I review it. I apologize to Anthony Anderson for our initial snap judgment on Black-ish. It’s turning into a very smart, hilarious comedy. Selfie didn’t get three episodes because that was shite from the beginning and even an act of God would not have made that obtuse piece of flotsam any better.

THE GRADE: B+.

 

 

#BadJudge

Bad Judge

THE CAST

Kate Walsh, having finally escaped her Shondaland shackles, tries her hand at comedy as Van Nuys county judge Rebecca Wright.

Tone Bell, who despite his name was not a member of Toni! Tone! Tony! or Bell Biv Devoe, plays Rebecca’s bailiff, Tedward Mulray. Yes, I said Tedward.

John Ducey is a common fixture in Rebecca’s courtroom, as he is prosecutor (I think!) Tom Barlow.

Miguel Sandoval is Rebecca’s boss who is also a judge.

Ryan Hansen is the oft-testifying expert witness/psychologist/Rebecca’s side-piece Gary Boyd. Even though he is only 33, Dick Casablancas is aging like a fine wine. He is hotter than ever.

Horatio Sanz pops his head in for a hot second, as does Dr. Spaceman, Captain Awesome, and the worst character on Enlisted Sgt. Jill Perez. Only here, she is “Jill Sanchez.” Racism or type-casting? You be the bad judge!

THE PREMISE

A hard-living, slutty sexually unapologetic chick that is a hot mess by night and a criminal court judge by day.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Kate Walsh.

When the pilot opens, this bitch is in her bed, face down ass up in a Kelly layering cami and a pair of sparkle panties. My first thought was “who just turned this trick OUT?!” She needs to get to work. She runs to the bathroom, fills her mouth with mouthwash, then heads for the kitchen. She spits the mouthwash out in a dirty coffee mug on her kitchen table. Classy! She then proceeds to climb into the van equivalent of the “Three Wolves One Moon” t-shirt and heads to work. She takes the bench, everybody rises, she sits and says (in sunglasses mind you), “Everyone have a seat. Please do it quietly. Can someone get me a Gatorade?” Later, she goes to a parent-teacher conference (on behalf of some kid who came through her court, this ho has no children), and rips a serious belch in front of the teacher (Sanz). She immediately apologizes by saying, “I’m sorry. I had wine and cake for breakfast.” YAS!!

Boyd testifies in the first case we see her handle, and she fucks him shortly thereafter in her chambers. Her bailiff, Tedward, is really sassy and is kind of the glue that holds her messy ass together. Of course, her boss, Judge Hernandez, is disapproving of her and constantly either scolding her and reining her in. Expect typical workplace hijinks I guess, involving a woman who is sexually unapologetic.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

I can’t really come up with a good reason as to why you shouldn’t, other than the scenarios the occur here are ludicrous. If she was a real judge, she would be, at the very least, dragged in front of a disciplinary board of some type, and at the most, dis-barred. As a sitting judge, you don’t show up to work in your 3 Wolves van in just a bra and skirt. You certainly don’t grab an ax off of a fire truck, then plunge it into some asshole’s car that is behind you… then proceed to hit on the fireman (Cpt. Awesome) that comes to reclaim their property! Finally, you don’t flip off the paparazzi (they were there because a Spears/Bynes-style celebutard was on trial) while wearing the aforementioned bra/skirt set. Because, when you do, your picture gets splashed across the tabloids along with your new nickname… Muffin-Top Judge.

THE GRADE: C+

 

#YoureTheWorst

You're The Worst

THE CAST

Ordinarily I would just say this show is full of nobodies, BUT, instead I will say that the majority of the cast is unknown to me.

Chris Geere is Jimmy, Aya Cash is Gretchen, Desmin Borges is Edgar, Kether Donohue is Lindsay.

THE PREMISE

Two toxic, self-destructive people fall in love and attempt a relationship.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Gretchen, Lindsay, Edgar, and Jimmy… in that order.

The show opens at a wedding. Jimmy used to date the bride. Jimmy is bitter that the bride is getting married. So much so that he is using every disposable camera on the tables to take pics down his pants. Nice. He dances with bride and they get into an argument, a scene is caused, and he literally gets thrown out the front door. He lights a cigarette, when a redhead walks up and asks to bum one. His standard response to people bumming cigarettes: they’re pretty expensive. But he gives her one. She has a giant present that she stole from the wedding along with a bottle of champagne that she is drinking directly from. Some disparaging of the happy couple ensues, then next thing you know, they are giving each other the business. Here’s the thing. I don’t know if Standards and Practices were off the day this was shot, or if they just don’t care anymore. The producers have gotten away with some of the most provocative sex scenes I have ever seen on a basic cable show. I am talking about “take my breath away blue lit” shots of pussy eating, riding cowgirl, and hair pulling doggie-style! I couldn’t fucking believe it. By the way, this show is on FX, not HBO, Showtime, or Spice (is that still a thing?).

The bride’s sister, Lindsay, is besties with Gretchen. Lindsay is a piece of fucking work. She blew four different guys at her 5-year reunion. You know what I’m saying? Jimmy has a PTSD roommate, Edgar, who is oddly attractive. Not right away, but he’ll grow on you. You can only imagine the PTSD storylines he will be involved in. Several misadventures will ensue over the course of the season, including a great episode where Gretch and Linds go on a coke binge. This show is depraved and hilarious.

Jimmy is an author that has met with limited success. Lindsay is married to a total nerd and leases a Jag. Gretchen is a music industry publicist. She has a client, Sam (who has two hangers-on called Shitstain and Honey Nutz). They have an exchange on the roof of a building after he and his crew trash a photographer’s studio because she wasn’t there. He calls her a bitch like 10 times. At the end, he nonchalantly says, “Anyway, bitch, this is your fault. You need to apologize to him for being a such a no-showing up bitch!” I am not doing it justice, but I laughed and laughed. But not like I laughed at Naomi Campbell being asked by Joan Rivers if she’s ever just wanted a Cinnabon… A WHAT?!

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

It’s more like why you can’t… the season is over. But it is available at fx.com and on the FXNOW app. So get your shit together, and get in.

THE GRADE: B+

#TheLeftovers

The-Leftovers

THE CAST

Justin Theroux is trying to give the Hammaconda a run for its money in those sweatpants! Even Liv Tyler said she can’t get through the pilot because it is such a distraction.

Liv Tyler is bringing her special brand of steamed cauliflower realness.

Amy Brenneman is a beautiful woman… but she is taking haggard to incredible new heights. Have another ciggie, sweetie!

Margaret Qualley plays Justin’s daughter. She is really bringing Kristen Stewart levels of boredom through an Emma Roberts style bitch face. I didn’t know the actress’s name until this very second. Her last name tells me that she is the daughter of Andie MacDowell. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen Andie’s bonkers performance in Hudson Hawk.

Christopher Eccleston, who was NORFOLK in Elizabeth, is a crazy priest in this show. Time has not been very kind to that man.

Max & Charlie Carver, aka the Scavo twins, are all grown up and I can’t tell if they are hot or not. In some scenes they are, in others they kind of look like apes. Hot apes? I can get into it.

THE PREMISE

I think the title refers to what a vagina is called after the Hammaconda’s been through. No?

Fine, on October 14th, 2% of the world’s population just up and disappears. The focus is on a particularly hard hit small town (100 people went missing) called Mapleton, and how they cope with that and the emergence of a cult.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Justin Theroux.

Justin plays Kevin Garvey, the sheriff of Mapleton. He looks better than ever. He’s not as jacked as he was in Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, he looks more like he did when he was passing that dick to Brenda Chenowith in Six Feet Under. At first he appears to be a single father to a bitch-faced teenage daughter, Jill (Qualley), and an MIA son, Sam (Chris Zylka). I can’t figure out if the son is cute. More and more, I am leaning towards yes. Sam is involved with a cult, led by a black British guy that apparently can hug the bad away. Congressmen are coming to him for these hugs or whatever is going on. We’re not sure. Jill is a typical affected teenage girl. She has this friend that looks like a white trash version of Blair Waldorf, and she has the hots for Jill’s dad.

There is a cult in Mapleton, and I can’t remember if they are related to the cult that Sam is mixed up in. I think so. They live in several houses in a cul-de-sac, they wear all white, and they don’t speak. All they do is smoke cigarettes and stare at people. Written on one of the walls in the house is something like, “We smoke to show our faith.” I hope they are referring to their faith in cancer, cuz the big C is on the way. In this cult, is of course, SPOILER ALERT, Kevin’s wife Laurie (Brenneman). We aren’t sure why she is there, why she won’t go home, or anything. Laurie, along with head smoker Patti (Ann Dowd trying to dethrone Margo Martindale as THE go-to for a boss bitch), smoke enough cigarettes and stared long enough at Meg Abbott (Tyler) and got her to join. As we all know, Liv Tyler invented the Abbotts. Right, Pamela?

The story is compelling, and I really want to know what the fuck is going on. That is why I am watching. The acting and the writing (for the most part) are great. The tone is great as is the pacing. The characters are rich and complex. I will say this though, Jill, is really changing my eye. Clearly she has mommy-issues, and that is to be expected. So Jill and White Trash Blair hit a high school party, right? They were playing some fucked up game that is kind of like Spin the Bottle (via iPhone), except when you “spin” a word will come up and that is what you have to do. Some of the words that we see come up are Fuck, Burn, Choke, and Screw. Jill is over it. But she’s playing the Spin game and it lands on CHOKE. She goes upstairs to a bedroom with a cute enough blond kid, he starts getting undressed, she has bitch face in full effect and is like, “I’m not doing anything with you.” After a second of consideration, he asks her if she would still choke him out while he jerks off. She was like, “That’s fine” and fucking DOES IT. That’s a BOSS BITCH!

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

There is no reason, unless you’re uncomfortable watching a girl choke a kid out.

THE GRADE: A