Month: October 2015

No, No, & No: @CodeBlackCBS

Code Black (2015) Poster

Code Black (Weds, 10p/9c, CBS) refers to “an influx of patients so great, there aren’t enough resources to treat them. The average ER is in code black five times per year. Angels Memorial Hospital in LA is in code black 300 times per year.” Well of course it fucking is, who wants to watch a hospital that goes code black like once a season?! Come on. But regardless, this premise is already rolling my eye.

In one promo that I saw, Marcia Gay Harden (who I have loved since The First Wives Club and she KILLED on The Newsroom) says something to the effect of “your instincts have to be sharper than your scalpels.” Strike one. That is some lazy fucking writing. In the first presumably tense scene of life-saving, Marcia and co. are working on a gun-shot victim (black guy, surprise!) who sustained a single gun shot wound to the neck. Guess what kind of car they pulled him out of?! An Escalade! After some medical whatever, Marcia tells her underlings that she wants some cold saline and asks her charges if they know what she is doing. Blondie (Bonnie Somerville) chimes in with some gibberish about replacing his blood with the saline, “cold infusion” and more or less putting the guy in stasis while they repair the artery. Then, Marcia says this: “We are going to kill him to save him.” Who’s eyes just rolled down the fucking street? Mine. Mind you, I am one commercial break into this mess. Strike two.

From what I can tell, Dr. Leanne Rorish (Harden) is a hard ass and the hospital brass like her because she makes good doctors out of her residents. She uses unorthodox procedures and plays by her own rules. A female character that plays by her own rules?! No, surely not! Her biggest opponent is Dr. Neal Hudson (Raza Jaffrey, that hot as fuck Pakistani intelligence officer that was working with Carrie). He’s hot in a military outfit, and he’s even hotter in scrubs.

But unfortunately, some trite story lines ensue: one resident second guessed his abilities, another was bitter that she couldn’t demonstrate her abilities, Blondie was forced to deliver a baby in an ambulance while getting instructions over the phone from Leanne & Neal performing all manner of procedures back in the ER, and lastly, a little girl (young Amanda from Revenge) loses her father, who was an organ donor, ends her guess stint listening to her father’s heart beating in another little’s girl’s chest. I half expected Frank Gallagher to stumble in saying that he had some of her father’s organs and he needed money. Regardless of that side fantasy, strike three. As far as I am concerned, Code Black is a code blue with a signed DNR.

Grade: D.

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@CW_CrazyXGF

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) Poster

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (Mon, 8/7c, CW) opens at a summer camp in 2005 where we meet Rebecca, who gets dumped by Josh at the end of camp. Fast forward 10 years, and Rebecca is on the verge of making partner at a law firm. But she freaks out, and goes down to the street to take some prescription meds when she sees Josh across the street. After a brief conversation, Josh tells her that he is moving back to West Covina, CA, so she goes back upstairs and declines her promotion to Junior Partner and moved to CA. The unfortunate part about this, is she tells us that she is moving to CA via song. I hate it when people bust into song. She not only busts into song, it explodes into a full-on production number. Frowny face.

Naturally, after making such an enormous life change, what is the first thing she does? Dumps out all of her medication, which I am sure were the meds keeping a lid on the crazy until now. She takes a job at a West Covina law firm, and immediately arouses the suspicion of the head paralegal, Paula, who I am sure, is going to be the fat, sassy source of comedic relief. The firm’s communications director, who sits in a cube next to fat & sassy, is older and spicy. She hasn’t said much yet, so I am not sure what her function is going to be. The boss, who claims to be 1/8th Chippewa, seems like a complete idiot. He wants Rebecca to represent him in his divorce since “his wife’s Jew” went to CSU – Long Beach, whereas “his Jew” went to Harvard & Yale. So he is not only an idiot, he is also racist. I am sure there is a lot of comedy to be mined there!

She goes to a bar, meets a cute-ish bartender who happens to know Josh, and invites Rebecca to a party that he knows Josh will be at. This puts her in a good mood at work the next day, which the paralegal is all over. She lets Rebecca know that she is not buying her big bag of bullshit, which was kind of funny. Next thing you know, a montage of her getting ready for this party ensues and she busts into song again. Singing “Sexy Getting Ready Song” which actually wasn’t that bad, but still.

Then the pilot turned a corner. Paula figures out why Rebecca is here, and is fully on-board to help her try to get Josh back. They become instant friends, THEN THEY START FUCKING SINGING ANOTHER GOD DAMN SONG. At the end of the number, Paula says, “Do you want to go drive by his house? Oh, this is going to be so much fun!!” Judging by the preview of episodes to come, this show may be so much fun also.

Grade: B-

@Grandfathered

Grandfathered (2015) Poster

Grandfathered (Tues., 8/7c, FOX) is not breaking any new ground here with its flimsy premise.

GHB enthusiast John Stamos plays a restaurant owner/toxic bachelor who finds out that he has a son and a grandchild all at once. The comedy that will ensure pretty much writes itself, so I am sure you can brace yourself for: diaper shenanigans, vomit play, dating mishaps, using the baby to score single-mom pussy, etc. Are you as bored as I am? I’ll get to the The Grinder in a minute. I will say that I watched Grandfathered and The Grinder on the same night (yes, they air on the same night, DVR), and I was actually more amused by Grandfathered. Or maybe I was just tickled with the line where John is correcting one of his servers and says, “It’s pronounced beef ‘carpaccio’ not beef ‘crapaccino’.” What can I say, sometimes I am easily amused! Tune in once at the very least to see how John is aging like a fine wine.

I’ll watch a couple more of these, but I am pretty sure this will fall squarely into the #onelessshow pile. Especially since there was already some serious stunt casting in the pilot as Deion Sanders, Bob Saget, Lil’ Wayne, and Don fucking Rickles all show up. C’mon now, the creators of stunt casting (Will & Grace) didn’t start doing that until 3 or 4 seasons in. This does not bode well.

Grade: C-

 

 

@TheGrinderFOX

The Grinder (Tues, 8:30/7:30c, FOX) joins the other greats like The Closer, The Knick, and TNT’s The Looker as one of the great television… I’m just kidding, this is isn’t like any of those.

Ageless vampire Rob Lowe is Dean Sanderson, an actor who played a lawyer on a long-running TV drama called The Grinder. It ended it’s run and for whatever reason, he moves back home to Idaho to get perspective. Hollywood money, but let’s move home. Sure. Fred Savage is his younger brother, Stewart, who is an actual lawyer. Can you smell the workplace hijinks from where you are? Stewart is married to the Waitress from Sunny, and they have two kids. Their son Ethan is played by Connor Kalopsis, and every time I see his name in the credits, I think it says Connor Koslopis and I chuckle (shout out Handler!).

Dean thinks that, because he played a lawyer on TV, he can be a lawyer in real life. Stewart is not into this, but the town is. Every judge is mesmerized by having “The Grinder” in their courtroom. I am pretty sure that all these judges would be disbarred for allowing this actor to practice law. What imbecile would let potentially their freedom rest in the hands of an actor?! No, no, and no.

I will say that the show does have its moments, and by the way, Fred Savage is as adorable as ever. I know he has been behind the scenes directing for the last several years, but it is great to see Kevin back in front of the camera.

Grade: C+

@AHSFX

American Horror Story (2011) Poster

American Horror Story (Weds, 9/8c, FX) is back. Let’s get in.

Let me start by saying that I did not finish Freak Show. Dandy was a very grating, annoying character, and I couldn’t take it. Plus I just lost interest. Coven is still my favorite, followed by Murder House, then Asylum. My dissatisfaction with last season, coupled with the news that Caitlyn Jenner’s face icon, Jessica Lange, was leaving the show pretty much moved AHS to the #onelessshow bin UNTIL I read that an obscure singer was joining the cast. Lady GUH-GA. I feel like that phone call went something like this:

Ryan Murphy’s Assistant: “Please hold for Ryan Murphy!”

Lady Gaga’s Assistant: “Nope.”

<CLICK>

<RING RING>

Ryan Murphy: “Hello, Stephanie! It’s Ryan. How are you?!”

Lady Gaga: “Call me Gaga.”

Ryan Murphy: “Caitlyn Jenner’s face icon, Jessica Lange, has left my show. Do you want to step in for your monsters?”

Lady Gaga: “What would my character be?”

Ryan Murphy: “A vampire called The Countess. Don’t worry, she’s nothing like the Discountess on Bravo.”

Lady Gaga: “‘Money can’t buy you class! Elegance is learned.’ Gurl, you shady! What would my character do?”

Ryan Murphy: “PUMP LOOKS, HONEY!”

Lady Gaga: “WERRRRRRRRRK!”

In the premiere, she pumps cunt look after cunt look. It is amazing. Her and ol’ Matt Boner (serving bronzed, guyliner deliciousness) roll to a screening at a Hollywood cemetery, and bitch is in elaborate encrusted silver gloves, a huge diamond necklace, and gorgeous red gown/cape combo. It’s stunning. And by the way, Matt Bomer + guyliner + multiple shots of his bare ass = EVERYTHING. But let me back up. This season is called Hotel, and takes place in the Hotel Cortez in Los Angeles. As the premiere opens, these super annoying Swedish girls are arriving in America for vacay and are staying at the hotel. From the outside, it looks run the fuck down. You get inside, and the lobby is an art-deco dream. But these bitches aren’t having it. You know who else isn’t having it? Kathy Bates as the NOT THE ONE front desk clerk Ethel Darling. Hospitality goes out the fucking window with this bitch… she could totally work at the Saks at Polaris. Needless to say, shit goes south for those two hoes.

The majority of Murphy’s AHS crew is in attendance. In addition to Kathy Bates, we have seen Sarah Paulson as Bette Tattler, giving me Jane from Daria as a blond extra from Existenz with her crimped hair (where’s her future purse?!); Denis O’Hare, who is giving you white Kevin Aviance realness as Liz Taylor. You can expect Evan Peters, Emma Roberts, Angela Bassett, that fucker Dandy (Finn Wittrock), etc to show up. Wes Bentley is also back, this time as a police detective. Schmidt from New Girl, checks in giving you gay hustler drug trash.

Enough about the cast, can we get into what Tobias Funke’s business card really meant by Analrapist? Holy. Shitballs you guys. So Schmidt is in his room at the Cortez slamming heroin. He starts hallucinating, then Rubber Man’s white cousin, Addiction Demon, appears and he is ready to get. it. ON. *YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET A STUNNING* Addiction Demon, flips Schmidt over, pulls his ass out, dons a strap on that looks like a fucking horse dick-sized drill bit and proceeds to get in that ass. It is mesmerizing… mostly because I couldn’t believe this made it to air. It’s not a quick scene either, you get to see it from all kinds of angles. Fast forward to the cemetery screening, Gaga & Boner pick up a hot couple (a sexy ginger and an Asian chick), take them back to the hotel, start getting their groove on and right when it is time for Boner to get on that ginger,  it turns into True Blood. “Oh yes, there will be blood.”

Grade: A-.

 

TV NEWS: @Extant_CBS, @BobsBurgersFOX

Extant

The #1 network among Orcs ages 18-49 just threw Extant in the trash after two very low rated seasons. I never finished season 1 because I hated it. I heard they retooled the show for season 2, but as Danimal says, “If it involved retooling, it was garbage to begin with.” Meanwhile, Fox renewed Bob’s Burgers for 2 more seasons. Do you think Halle is at In-N-Out right now eating her feelings, or taking Gabriel Aubry to court for something she thinks he did?