Month: December 2013

Getting On

Getting On

WHO’S IN IT

Leslie Glass from Desperately Seeking Susan, Lipsyncher from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, and Woman at Diner from Boys On the Side.

THE PREMISE

The trials and tribulations of 2 nurses and a doctor in a geriatric extended care wing of a down-but-not-out hospital in Southern California.

SHOULD YOU BE WATCHING IT?

My gut reaction is yes, but I honestly can’t say. Two episodes have aired so far, and this show is kinda fucked up. It is billed as a dark comedy, but you wouldn’t know that from watching the pilot. That shit was bleak. The lighting is so harsh. Fluorescents all the way, but I get it. They are in a hospital, so you shouldn’t expect the $50,000 lighting the used to light Sarah Jessica Parker’s mole in Sex and the City. This is not glamorous at all. My guess is the make up budget is $0.

Jackie Harris plays Dr. Jenna James, former Director of Geriatrics in the main building of the hospital, now banished to this extended care wing as Director of Medicine. She can’t believe she is being forced to work here, and she feels that she is above it as evidenced when the parking people call her to tell her that she is parking in the wrong place or whatever and she tells them, “I have a job that’s infinitely more important than yours.” Then she hangs up the phone. She is also conducting a fecal study and is constantly looking for her stool samples. Haggard doesn’t begin to describe her as Dr. James.

Ms. Swan plays Dawn Forchette, seemingly one of only two nurses on the floor. Her look gives me Snow White… 70 pounds after the fairy tale. But she likes to pump a work-inappropriate knee-high pair of fuck me boots. Any nurse will immediately call bullshit on that. You can’t nurse in that! Dawn is desperately single. We find out in the second episode (the best one of the two, which I will get to in a minute) that her husband “brought her some papers to sign” which turned to be for a $25,000 loan which he used to buy a Mercedes, then proceeded to bounce with said Mercedes. That is why her wages are being garnished. You know else is being garnished? All the fucking food this bitch is eating on the job. A patient dies in the pilot, on their birthday, and this bitch swooped in and snatched the cake on the sly the proceeded to eat the entire thing “secretly.” She’s a fucking mess.

Deputy Raineesha Williams is DiDi Ortley, the other nurse on the floor. At first I didn’t get why Dawn always bosses her around (other than the obvious), but when I re-watched the second episode this morning, I noticed something I hadn’t before. Dawn is an RN. DiDi is an LPN. So Dawn is kinda the HBIC until the new supervising nurse, Patsy De La Serda shows up. Patsy is a man (short for Patrizio), but he’s one of the gurls. Ya feel me? Anyway, DiDi is the most put-upon, hardest working person in this ward. She does all the shit jobs and cleans up all the shit. A very unglamorous role for an actress for sure. However, much to my surprise, Raineesha is the best part of the show so far. In just two episodes, Niecy Nash’s performance thus far mesmerizing. I was completely surprised by this caliber of a dramatic performance from her. I would love to see some Emmy love for her next year. She isn’t playing the “sassy black friend” for once, and it is a dream.

WHY I WILL KEEP WATCHING

Niecy Nash.

Ok, so. The second episode. Antoine, a black orderly, wheels in this old, white bitch (you know how hospitals are, she can walk). Her name is Varla Pounder. Varla arrives with an incomplete chart, so Dawn has no idea what her issue is. Antoine is like, “this is all they gave me. GOOD LUCK”, and walks away. Dawn leans over to her and says, “Hello, Varla” who doesn’t miss a beat and responds with: “Is that coon gone?!” Who’s died and gone to heaven? Me. You KNOW this bitch is going to be a handful, and she fucking was. So that comment was made within earshot of DiDi, who, of course, Dawn pawns off on her. Varla starts ranting about how she isn’t doing shit and wants no part of whatever they want to do, and she is NOT getting her blood pressure taken because “they did it 600 fucking times in that other building.” Then she says to DiDi, “You think you have the upper hand because you heard me say a bad word. WELL YOU DON’T!!” I don’t want to ruin the Varla Experience for you, but it should be a ride somewhere. “Half the whores on this floor weren’t even born in this country! I was born in Bakersfield! I want a cigarette!” Sorry, I can’t help myself. DiDi is my girl, and I am totes along for the ride no matter how fucked up it could get.

GRADE: B+

NIECY NASH: A-

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Sarah Silverman: We Are Miracles

Sarah.Silverman.We.Are.Miracles

WHO’S IN IT

Rain Robinson from Star Trek: Voyager.

PREMISE

Her first stand-up special for HBO.

WHAT WORKED

Nothing. I laughed once in 50-some minutes.

WHAT DIDN’T

The jokes.

I think she wanted this to be as funny as Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic. It is not. Jesus Is Magic is genius, and if you are offended by the comment that the best time to have a baby is when you are a black teenager, then it’s not for you. You need to get over yourself. I think all she wanted to do was shock people. I don’t mind being shocked, as long as it’s funny… or actually shocking. The opening bit has her bouncing a tennis ball of off the front of the Largo Theater where this was filmed (in a room that only seats 39). A Boyz N the Hood-style giant convertible full of Mexicans pulls up and talk to her. A joint gets lit, it gets passed to her, then she says, “What do you call a car full of Mexicans? Pains in my ass…. hole.” Red flag.

But I continued to watch. The first story about porn went nowhere, but served as set up for a segue about her mom being in the hospital which I feel was shock attempt #1. “Speaking of men cumming on lady’s faces, my mom’s been sick.” Really? Attempt #2 involved a fictitious University of North Carolina study that found the 9/11 widows gave great handjobs. Attempt #3 was that “rape victims are generally not complainers.” I have two more, but you get the idea. It reeked of desperation. The 39 people in the room were not really buying what she was selling, but it was being filmed, so. It culminated in a song where she sang the word “cunt” 31 times in a row. I was so shocked, my eyes almost rolled out of my face.

I did laugh out loud once, about 19 minutes in. She was talking about Mother Teresa being self-conscious about her thighs. She was turned to the side, presenting the side of her right ass cheek and thigh and Mother Teresa says, “Ok, this is fine. Ok. But then, it’s like, when I clench, it’s all oatmeal.” Other than that, nothing. Not even a grin. The miracle here was she did 55 minutes of stand-up without any jokes.

GRADE: F.

Total Divas

Total Divas

WHO’S IN IT

Big Tim Kingman from Manhunt and a menagerie of slutty “women.”

THE PREMISE

E! reality show about WWE Divas prepping for Wrestlemania.

WHAT WORKS

Nothing. This is fucking trash.

WHAT DOESN’T

When I first saw a promo for this over the summer, I remember posting of Facebook that “having not seen a single second of Total Divas, I am pretty sure this show could just be called “Whores.” Well, I have seen a second of the show, and I couldn’t have been more right. This show and these women are absolutely horrible. I couldn’t even make it all the way through the one episode I recorded. I made 4 attempts, and only got about 17 minutes in.

I guess they all work for John Cena, who apparently has gone through all of his The Marine money. Here are the kinds of women we are dealing with. One of the whores comes down to a hotel lobby, where another whore is waiting with her luggage. Approaching whore makes a comment about the red bottoms Louboutin’s lobby whore is wearing. Approaching says, “I want to make sure you don’t walk like a grandma and look stank in them.” Do you know what I’m saying? She did look stank though. Could not walk in them at all. TIRED!

OH WAIT! I do know some of their names! So Trinity (who I am pretty sure was Lobby whore) and Natalya (the Kim Zolciak of the group) had a “match.” Natalya had Trinity in some kind of bullshit hold from behind. But her grip on Trinity was so slight, that she had enough space to stop, bend down a little, twerk, then do a bootie bump into Natalya causing her to lose her grip. Absurd right? Hang on a second. When she did the bump into Natalya, apparently she had a bladder full of piss because she let some out. She was so embarrassed, that she left the ring and went to the bathroom. Trinity went to the bathroom and they proceeded to argue about it. The drama was so manufactured, I couldn’t believe it. They should work at SUR. Oh yeah, by the way, Natalya is built like a fucking dump truck so I don’t understand why she didn’t just rage out of her boots at Trinity. What the fuck ever.

One thing did make me laugh though. The Bella twins were talking shit at some bad red dye job whore that I am sure has a name. Red had a signing to get to, and one of the twins says, “Have fun at your signing! I hope people are there.” What a cunt.

GRADE: F

New Girl

New Girl

WHO’S IN IT

Elena from Veronica’s Closet, Janitor from The Great Sketch Experiment, Larissa from Kevin Hill, Victor from Undressed, and Little David from Urban Ground Squirrels.

THE PREMISE

A quirky girl moves into an LA loft with three dudes and, allegedly, hilarity ensues.

WHY I USED TO LIKE IT

Jess and Schmidt.

I loved this show when it first started. It was funny and new with great performances from Zooey Deschanel and Max Greenfield. At first, the show was all about Jess. That was fine, at first. The best decision the producers made was allowing to characters around her to grow and shift the focus a little. I love Schmidt. He is the best character on the show. The television academy thought so too and threw him a supporting actor Emmy nomination for season 1. Uncle Morty followed suit in January with a nomination at the Globes. The show is now in it’s third season, and I am over it.

WHY I HATE IT

The producers have made two egregious errors.

The first one happened very early in season 1. Young Kevin from Blankman was in the pilot, and I thought, “How is this going to work?” because he’s also Brad on Happy Endings. He was gone by the next episode, and that’s when error #1 happened. Winston. He is fucking terrible, and he is gross. No woman would date him. Kahlua from Bridesmaids does for a minute. Then an Asian girl does, and she doesn’t want anything serious, so he steals her cat. He planned to kill it, like ya do, but decided to keep it. I wish I had more specifics, but I just don’t give a fuck and can’t bring myself to go back and watch a single minute. Especially to focus on Winston. I remember thinking that I missed Coach (because he was so phenomenal in the pilot, or so I thought). Happy Endings was cancelled, and Brad needed to pay the rent, so he’s back on the show. Turns out Coach sucks too. My hope was that since he was back, Winston would go away. Wrong.

TV people already know that breaking the sexual tension between two characters or finally answering the “will they or won’t they” question has the potential to ruin a show. Just ask Fran Fine & Max Sheffield, Maddie Hayes & David Addison, and Nikki & Paolo (they didn’t hook up, but they were ruining the show). You get where I am going. Error #2 is allowing Jess and Nick to become a couple. I think this is the show’s shark. The dynamic of the roommates is destroyed. Schmidt even moved across the hall. They are cloying and disgusting. Irritation and boredom are not things you want to experience in the same show, much less at the same time. If you are still watching this shit show, I am sorry. Sorry you can’t detect the sharp decline in quality this show has taken. You could do something better with that half-hour, like take a big, nutty shit. That way, you won’t miss a second of the far superior show that comes on afterwards, The Mindy Project.

You aren’t New anymore, Girl. You’re heinous.

GRADE: F.

Almost Human Update

Four episodes have aired. This show is going down the shitter real quick.

That banter that I thought would be great between Kennex and Dorian has become grating. Any chemistry they had at the onset has vanished. Dorian is still working those blue face lights for dear life. The writing has been atrocious, as has the pacing. In the third episode, “Are You Receiving”, some thugs take some hostages in a building downtown. They are holding them on the 25th floor. Kennex and Dorian are shown security footage that shows the bad guys are clearly on the 25th floor. Do they beeline for that floor? Fuck no. They slowly clear each floor on their way up. And by clear each floor, the look through a window in the door then keep going. It takes more than half the show for them to get anywhere near the 25th floor. Of course, the Angry Executive fully objects to them being the only cops in the building. Of course the bad guys said “No cops.”

Poor Andy Bellefleur showed up in last week’s episode about a possible dirty cop and a drug called The Bends. I had the fucking bends after watching this episode. It’s not great. Since November sweeps is over, I am curious to see what Fox is going to do. “The Bends” was seen by 5.896 million viewers, landing the show in 9th place for the night.

I am not liking the direction the show is heading. If it gets any worse, I’ll quit this shit and let you know.

CURRENT GRADE: D+