Month: October 2013

Project Runway Season Finale

Project Runway

WARNING: If you have not seen the finale, get your shit together because it was 3 days ago.

I love Project Runway. I am always excited to watch it, and I’m in the moment, but the show is a throwaway, because I don’t retain it. Every week I have to ask who had been eliminated the week before. Whoops! Anyway, so, the finale. The 4 designers that made it to the finale were Justin, Dom, Alexandria, and Bradon. Am I the only one that thinks Alexandria should have been sent upstairs to clean up her space weeks ago?! I thought her clothes were terrible every week, yet she was so confident that she had the winning design every time! That’s what I call a dumb bitch. The curve ball thrown at them this time was the Tide Washable Challenge. BORING. Justin used a 3D printer to make some accent pieces, and they all looked like plastic bullshit from Claire’s. Bradon’s collection was fine, but that one blue dress was giving me “figure skater” all day long. Dom did a cool metallic ombre dress that was stunning, but she had a purple get-up that was screaming Kimora Lee Simmons.

Speaking of Dom, for as many times as she was in the Garnier hair salon, why didn’t any of those queens in there snatch that bitch up, tell her that her mop was BUSTED then hook her ass up?!!? Her hair is awful. She is a beautiful girl, but that hair has got to go. You know what else has got to go? Billy B. from L’Oreal. He looks like he is about 5’3″, swollen, has a hatchet face, and cuts his nails with scissors. I feel like every morning, before he applies Smouldering Eyeliner Classic, Butterfly Mascara, Tru Match Foundation, and Visible Lift blush, he eats a baby. But I digress.

I scored their designs as they came down the runway (and averaged them together).

Justin: D+ D+ F C- B A- B+ F F B (1.725)

Dom: B+ B A- B+ C+ B- D B A- A- (2.975)

Alexandria: F D+ B+ B C+ C- C C+ C- D- (1.825)

Bradon: B B- B+ A- C- B+ C+ C+ B- B- (2.775)

I thought Dom and Bradon had the best collections (math doesn’t lie), and Dom had the advantage. Guess the fuck what? Dom did win! I’d never predicted the winner this way, and was thrilled to have been correct. We’ll see if it holds up for the Project Runway: All-Stars finale. A-.

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Scandal

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OK. Let’s talk about Scandal. Initially I resisted the show, but not for any particular reason. Everyone who knows us knows that we watch a shitload of television. A quick check of the Series Manager on our DVR lists 66 shows. The premise of the show was not that interesting to me, and at that time I think we were trying to cut down on shows. When the water cooler talk had become deafening, and after Entertainment Weekly did a cover story about, I decided to take a peek.  Season 2 was in the middle of airing when we jumped onto to Netflix and streamed Season 1. We sped through those 7 episodes, then got a week long free trial of Hulu Plus and watched the 16 episodes that had aired and finished the remainder of Season 2 on DVR. Scandal is a guilty pleasure, however…

I have issues with this show.

First, you can tell that this is a show created and written by a black woman for a black woman. Gladiator in a suit?! I know you don’t think a white bitch made that shit up. There is a lot of blacting. A lot. All courtesy of Kerry Washington and Columbus Short. Columbus lays it on thick, especially with that “gladiator in a suit” bullshit. Kerry only has few tools in her bag of tricks, and they have worn out their fucking welcome. She wants to be looked at. Whenever Huck goes off the rails (which is often), she always grabs him with both hands, does a half-cry/half crazy eyes face and says, “Huck, look at me.” Olivia, your face doesn’t calm nerves, it frays them. Whenever she is alone with the President, all she can say is, “Don’t do this”, “We can’t do this”, and “Stop.” Olivia is a cock tease and if I were Fitz I would have told that bitch to kick rocks years ago.

Speaking of the President, can she please stop fucking saying it? “I am not having an affair with THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.” “He’s THE PRESIDENT.” “You are THE PRESIDENT.” Bitch, he knows that. But not to be outdone, everyone around and including the President has a fondness for calling him “The Leader of the Free World.” “I’m the leader of the free world and I can’t get a cheeseburger?” “Sir, you are the leader of the free world, you can’t be having an affair.” It goes on and fucking on.

What’s with all the shots being filmed through beveled glass? I don’t need double vision. It adds nothing to the show whatsoever. What it does is disorient me when I watch the show wasted. Fun it is not.

Why does it sound like paparazzi cameras during scene transitions and fades in and out of commercial? That would make more sense for Dirt than this.

Scandal has moved quickly through almost every storyline except for one, Quinn. Why did they drag on the “who is she really?” for so damn long? She wasn’t even that interesting to begin with. The only Quinn I care about looks like her guardian angel didn’t stop her from destroying that… item.

The gay couple are caricatures. They are completely unbelievable. Cyrus, THE PRESIDENT’S Chief of Staff, is as abrasive as he is grotesque. His journalist husband, James (Dan Bucatinsky, who just won a Guest Actor in a Drama Series Emmy last month), is a fucking push-over. Cyrus jerks him around and emotionally manipulates him like there is no tomorrow. Manipulation is a scalpel, not a club. Yet Cyrus wields like a kid who’s just found his dad’s gun. Besides, James is way too hot for Cyrus. They would never be a couple in real life. James is an aging twink, and Cyrus is a troll.

I’m not all piss and vinegar when it comes to Scandal. There are some things in the plus column. Let’s start with Abby, the ginger-ess that works for Olivia. I am living for her. Season 1 was all about her attitude and smart ass remarks. Season 2 she was all about getting serviced by David Rosen. Now, in Season 3, it seems someone sent her to the L’Oreal Paris make-up room and the Garnier hair salon, because her new hair and makeup situation is on point.

Can we get into the First Lady for the moment? Until now, she has always been Ellen Darling to me. I didn’t care for Mellie at first, but then she brought out that inner cunt, and she is SERVING it. I love a good bitch, and she is delivering like Domino’s. She will stop at nothing to keep Fitz in the White House and it is very entertaining to watch. If they would just restyle her slightly, she would be everything.

Speaking of everything, in episode 2, Olivia is carrying a fierce ass black Prada bag (from 2005). I would try to shove my laptop into it just so I could carry it. “Is that a woman’s purse you’re carrying?” No, it’s Prada. B-

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UPDATE: I neglected to mention this season’s new phrase of hyperbole, that I am sure will be said in every episode:  “The Most Infamous Woman in the World.” Puh-lease.

American Horror Story: Coven

AHS has returned, and I couldn’t be happier. Those who “couldn’t make it through” the first season need to get their shit together (you know who you are). The first season was stellar. The second season took a left, but Jessica Lange’s performance was outstanding. Her sing-song episode was a dream. Bitch turned it. But let’s get into Coven.

Kathy Bates showed up for this, bathing in blood as if she was cleansing away Harry’s Law. That’s all well and good. She mentioned something about her waddle, and I immediately thought of Richard Fish, then felt bad that he was probably cheating on Whipper. Then, Kathy rolls upstairs to her zoo of black men. Somewhere in Savannah, Paula Deen whispered, “I want that, y’all,” But then Misery threw a minotaur’s head on dude, which was giving me Marianne realness from True Blood. But no one’s eyes went black as they started fucking the closest person to them, so I guess crisis averted.

So Jessica Lange, turning it cunt yet again, is “Supreme” witch bitch Fiona running Robichaux’s Academy for Girls in N’Awlins. Is it just me, or this the Belfort Mansion from The Real World? When PPD was in New Orleans years ago for a wedding, she told me she passed by that house and said it was dilapidated. Anyway, Fiona is competing against Mags Bennett for Mother of the Year, because she is horrible to her daughter (played by #1 lez Sarah Paulson, looking stunning). There is a squadron of young witches at the academy. Emma Roberts (playing the same entitled bitch she plays in everything, *cough* NO RANGE!), Taissa Farmiga (who was in season 1, and looks odd in the face since I saw her in The Bling Ring) who is milquetoast, the girl from every season that has more than just a touch of Down’s, and Precious. Precious is bigger than ever, and she plays a human voodoo doll. So, she does the opposite of secret cutting, yet those around her suffer. Does that seem fair? Ask Mo’Nique.

This season promises to be great. Fiona will be chewing scenery like none other. My favorite scene in the premiere has Fiona visiting a doctor who is going drug research on her dime. He is regaling her the the success of R&D on some youth-enhancing drug and he says, “We should be ready for human trials in 2 years time.” To which she responds, “No, this afternoon. Preferably in the next half hour, I’ve got a dinner engagement.” This bitch better werk. That is FIERCE. She eventually did some blow and killed that guy. Can you imagine?! Being coked up WITH SUPER POWERS?! I would be in heaven, but.

Emma Roberts gets raped, works her powers, turns it for a second, then flips a bus full of frat dick. Good for her. We get to see what Taissa can do, and that turns out to be fucking Ebola into people because she starts to turn a fool out and he starts bleeding out of every orifice. Good for her. I am looking forward to coming episodes… if only for a frozen in time Angela Bassett looking for a BMW to burn some trash in. If the season goes to shit, I will let you know, but in the meantime, I am living. A-.

OH MY GOD! I almost forgot to comment on Ruth Fisher in this piece. What exactly is wrong with her? I am saying that Halle Berry’s Catwoman is to blame. Ruth had normal stereoscopic vision all through Six Feet Under, but then when she had to utter the line, “You’re a cat woman,” she became a wall-eyed monster. Where did her crazy eye come from? And why is she giving Vivienne Westwood realness?

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Wasted Talent in Primetime

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The new fall shows are all garbage. Gar. Bage. Even worse, some of these shit ass shows are wasting talent. Here are said shows in no particular order:

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: I understand that Andy Samberg needed a post-SNL vehicle that is more substantial than a two and a half minute obscenity-laden parody song (I’m ready for Shy Ronnie 3, by the way). This shite is fine for him, but not for Andre Braugher. He needs to get the fuck away from this. The premise is fine enough. The casting is mediocre at best. We know what Andy Samberg is capable of, so there are no surprises from him. Terry Crews? No comment. Chelsea Peretti is a horse-faced nightmare with no comic timing. EW dubbed her a breakout. Wrong. The softer looking Michelle Rodriguez girl can’t act for shit. The harder Latina cop that isn’t interested in the naked author from Wanderlust is trying to serve April Ludgate realness. It is nearly spot-on, Shane doesn’t see it, but there is only one April Ludgate. I digress. Andre landed this shite after his ABC show, Last Resort, was cancelled. I actually liked that show. There where some meanwhile’s on that show. Men of A Certain Age was ok, and he was nominated for an Emmy for that. I didn’t watch Homicide: Life on the Street, but I know his performance was dope. I loved Andre in Primal Fear. He is a stellar actor and deserves better than this police captain dealing with Andy Samberg’s antics. Oh yeah, he’s gay too which seems like an after thought. This show is tired. D+.

Mom: I’m sorry, but The House Bunny should not be breathing the same rarefied air as C.J. Cregg. Am I clear? F.

Trophy Wife: I am struggling with this show. I am still watching it, but I am not sure why. The pilot showed potential. So Juna meets then marries Josh Lyman, who was previously married to Dr. Rosen and Ken Marino’s margarita loving wife in Wanderlust (this movie could be my new Flatliners when playing The Kevin Bacon Game!). The adopted Asian kid was bringing the LOL’s, so I was counting on him to do so moving forward. I was mistaken. He isn’t like the becoming-sassier-every-episode-Lily from Modern Family. Malin Akerman is doing an ok job, her BFF is usless, the daughter is already being portrayed by actress #2 (paging Becky Connor), and the son is HIDEOUS. Is that shallow? Maybe, but I feel if I am going to watch a minor, who makes more in a week than I do in a year, they should be good-looking. Anyway, the major wasted talent here is Academy Award winner Marcia Gay Harden. Why is she here? Is her Pollock money gone? She is playing an ultra-bitch, which I am living for, but that bitch would be better utilized somewhere else. Like on The Good Wife. Granted, I loved her $1500/hour lawyer on The Newsroom, but that season is over. Next week should be the last time I watch this show. Also, am I the only one who heard over the summer that Malin had been cast as Pizza Face’s character in a TV version of Bad Teacher? What the fuck happened to that? Even the fat, gross doormat woman from that movie turned up in this show as a teacher during a parent teacher conference. Coindidence? As far as my grade for this show, they have until Wednesday to turn in extra credit, or it fails. PENDING.

The Crazy Ones: I don’t give a shit about this. Mork, Buffy, Bob Benson, and Matthew Campbell? No.

Dads: I don’t really have to comment on what is being wasted here, right? One hint: he’s not on camera.

Super Fun Night: This show is God awful. Rebel Wilson is a movie star here in ‘Murica. She should never have gone to television. She cannot quite drop her accent completely, which I am sure is confusing, off-putting, and infuriating the middle of the country (in that order). Her supporting cast might as well have their faces blurred, because I don’t know who the fuck they are. Except for the Asian girl. She was the Asian crazy down the hall from …Apartment 23. I miss that show. Rebel needs to focus on Pitch Perfect 2: The Quickening. F.

I’ll get to Scandal in a minute.

Hostages

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When I first saw a promo for this show over the summer, I was thrilled. Toni Collette and Dylan McDermott! I was in. Then I watched the pilot. This show is terrible, Muriel.

Dylan McDermott is 50 years old. But he still drops panties. Toni Collette has never looked better. So Toni is Elln Sanders, a doctor in DC who has been selected to perform an operation on the President. Dylan is Duncan Carlisle, an FBI agent, who along with Billy from Entourage, decides they are going to take this bitch hostage and coerce her into killing the President during surgery, which is scheduled for the next day. Does that plot sound like it can be sustained over 15 episodes? Hold that thought.

So while they are casing her suburban mansion, one of Dylan’s goons breaks in to the house to install cameras. He does this undisturbed and undetected in broad fucking daylight with a teenage girl and a dog in the house. Really (in Alison Berry’s voice)?! So eventually, the rest of the family comes home. Oh, by the way, Toni’s husband, Brian Sanders, is Jimmy Cooper from The OC. and he is up to no good. The evil doers (its stays) have some shit on Brian, so he tries to convince Ellen that she should do what they want. Which of course is a total 180 from their first conversation about this.

They have two kids, the aforementioned daughter and a son. They are about as exciting as diarrhea. The daughter has some pick-up truck possibly wron side of the tracks boyfriend that she leaves the house to see. One of Duncan’s people follows her to the football field at the high school where she meets pick-up truck. They have a boring conversation, then she gets upset, and gets out of the truck. Meanwhile, walking toward them under the bleachers is lady assassin with a gun in hand and no one sees her. I was ready for her to shoot the boyfriend, as was Duncan, but she didn’t. The son is dealing drugs, and he got busted by the coach with a ton of cash that was supposed to be for booze and fake ID’s. Money gets taken. Drug boss is owed the money, but of course he doesn’t have it and can’t get it to him because he is a hostage. Yawn.

The unsustainable aspect of the premise is this: the day of the President’s surgery, she manages to slip the President blood thinners which make him unfit for surgery so it has to be postponed for two weeks. Is that gonna be her thing? What medical trickery can she pull to keep pushing the surgery back? For 15 episodes? Eventually the hospital would declare her a fucking quack, and she’d be fired. Plus Duncan would have no choice but to start murdering family members to motivate her ass. The worst is at the very end of the episode, when she is doing press to discuss the postponement of the surgery. A reporter asks her something, I can’t even remember what, and Ellen says, “I don’t give up easily.” Then she shoots a look directly into the camera. Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of course Duncan is watching the news conference, and does a “This bitch” face and knows this exercise is going to take a minute. You know that night on CNN, Jane Velez Mitchell and Nancy Grace had a panel of experts wildly speculating about the look she threw into the camera. Any criminal psychologist worth their salt would know some shit is up with Ellen. What isn’t up is the ratings, down 20% in the 18-49 demo in week 3. ‘Murica has spoken. D.

Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

AoS

I wanted to like this show, and I had the highest hopes for it. I loved The Avengers, even though we knew none of stars of it would be on this show. Samuel “I won’t turn down a role” L. Jackson did make a cameo last week. But whatever, I didn’t finish that episode because I quit the show earlier in the viewing. I am also somewhat of a Joss Whedon fan, although I didn’t watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Firefly and I didn’t care for that Dr. Horrible Sing Song thing that NPH did. I suppose with all that being said, I guess I am not really a Joss Whedon fan. Plus, his name is Joss. There is only one Joss, and she fucks for tracks.

Here is my issue with AoS: just about everything. The acting, the writing, cinematography, and even the sound are terrible. The only thing worse than those four is the casting. Clark Gregg’s casting only makes sense. Everyone else? JEE-sus Christ. Cobie Smulders made a cameo in the pilot reprising her character from The Avengers. I don’t watch HIMYM, so I have no fucks to give about her. In every scene, Ming-Na looks like she would rather be anywhere else. I get that her character is reluctant to be back in the field or whatever, but bitch looks BORED. Everyone else in the show seems to have been cast because they have a particular look. The two tech nerds on the show, Frick & Frack (I couldn’t be bothered to retain, much less look up their names), look just like that. Nerds. They are both typically quirky and blah blah blah. Of course there was the requisite scene where the badass/young stud/I work alone-type asked the nerds a question, and they reply in techno-babble to which he responds with, “In English!” I. Fucking. Hate. That. Even worse, the boy nerd says something like, “Do you mean it’s nuclear?” To which Clark Gregg says, “No. [dramatic pause] He means it’s something worse.” Really? Get the fuck out of here. “Take your NADS.” The idea of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: B+. The execution: F.

UPDATE: It turns out ABC is into bestiality scat play, because this horseshit just got a full season pick-up. Do you know who is absolutely thrilled by this news? This bitch:

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House of Versace

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So last night, Lifetime aired their newest Liz & Dick called House of Versace. The movie spans ten years, between 1994 & 2004. Has Gina Gershon spent all of her Bound money? Why is she in this? Why? I have to say it was not as bad as I thought it was going to be, but it’s pretty bad. Let’s begin, shall we?

I don’t know if it was just me getting used to the picture on the new LED TV that I just bought or what, because when the movie starts, I thought I was watching an episode of Absolutely Fabulous. It just kinda looked like that. Backstage at a fashion show, I was waiting for Eddie to stumble through the frame wearing some Lacroix nightmare. Dare to dream. I will say that Gina Gershon was probably a good choice to play Donatella, because she already had practice playing Fabia, a Donatella-like fashion designer, in three episodes of Ugly Betty. But the problem I noticed right away, was the accent. Gina seemed to pick and choose how Italian she was going to be at any minute. And when she wasn’t Italian, she either sounded like a Russian madam… or Eartha Kitt. It was so bizarre. Also bizarre, Gina’s mouth. It was beyond joker mouth. She looked like Ida Lowry in Brazil.

Some choice entries in the soundtrack had me flashing back to high school (Snap’s “I’ve Got the Power” and Dee-Lite’s “Groove Is In The Heart”), but it really took a left turn in one particular scene. Gianni (Enrico Colantoni, looking like Gianni in the throes of boredom) is working alone late at night. Up above him, Donatella is lurking. But the music they set this scene to makes it seem like the world’s darkest Chef Boyardee commercial. Whatever, I guess! Otherwise, the movie is about what you expect. There is a great moment when Donatella is told about Gianni’s death and she faints. But she faints in slow-motion, and the only thing I could think of was the cheerleaders lunging for the Spirit Stick that Kirsten Dunst drops at cheer camp. The scene was a dream. The funeral was also a dream because they tried to Forrest Gump-style insert the actors into the actual funeral footage. It was terrible. But then the best thing ever happens to this movie: ENTER RAQUEL WELCH.

I saw paparazzi photos of Raquel last week at the party for this or something, and she looked amazing. Frozen in time in a leopard print disaster. But in this? She looked like lightning had struck her wax figure at Madame Tussaud’s. She was giving total wax monster. I don’t know why Raquel is here either. She just floats in and out of scenes like a phantasm. After Donatella presents her first collection, that ends complete with Donatella’s awkward walk down the catwalk, she goes backstage and then, for no reason, the second best thing ever happens: ENTER ANIMATED BUTTERFLY. Somewhere, Mariah Carey just wet herself. An animated butterfly appears and flies around backstage. As if that isn’t weird enough, not only can Donatella see it, but everyone else backstage can see it too. It makes no fucking sense.

You shouldn’t care about anyone else in this shite. The son gets hot later in the movie, and there is a great scene where Allegra Versace (who should have been played by a Libman Wonder Mop) has her Sue Ellen Ewing moment which was a treat. Bottomline, this movie is straight up fucking garbage. For a Lifetime movie though, B-. A movie anywhere else, D-.