Project Runway: All Stars

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WHO’S IN IT

A bunch of cast-offs and previous winners of Project Runway seasons past. Seth Aaron, Jeffrey Sebelia, Mychael Knight, Crazy Russian Prostitute, Korto Momolu, Christopher Palu, Victor, Irina, and whoever the fuck else.

THE PREMISE

Lifetime’s money-grab attempt to extend the brand after the failure of Models of the Runway. No one gave a shit about those bitches.

WHAT WORKS

It’s Project Runway, so the formula is tried and true. I will watch any incarnation of Project Runway. What I would really like to see is a Top Chef: Masters-style Project Runway with famous designers competing. My dream cast of, say 10 designers? Vera Wang, Donna Karan, Karl Lagerfeld, Betsey Johnson’s crazy ass, John Varvatos, Nicholas Ghesquiere, Marc Jacobs, Christian Siriano, Vivienne Westwood, and Donatella “I was crazy before the drugs” Versace. Wouldn’t that be a dream come fucking true? Watching Karl Lagerfeld, with fan in hand, talk about how fat he thinks Donna Karan is while Christian Siriano and Marc Jacobs kiki in the sewing room?! I would be in heaven.

WHAT DOESN’T

Victor’s fan.

Mychael’s faux-empire waist type button-ups. The fuck?

Alyssa  Milano as the host. When I think of fashion, I don’t think of Samantha Micelli. At all. I think of Lily Leonetti, the ho she played in Poison Ivy II after Drew Barrymore knew she was too good for that shit. Who is in charge of Micelli’s wardrobe? You know Tim Gunn is not on set, because he would never let Alyssa come out in the shit she’s been we wearing. Tim always says it all about fit and proportion. Neither of these things is happening on Alyssa. They are putting her in things that make her look like a Donkey Kong barrel. Plus, everything has been hideous. She is too short for the shit she wears. It’s almost as if season 1 host Angela Lindvall and season 2 host Carolyn Murphy left all their wardrobe behind… then someone did the ultimate unconventional challenge and turned all of it into slouchy knits. TERRIBLE.

Can we talk about Irina Shabayeva’s face work, or rather, what’s not working on her face? Something’s not right. I told The Bunny that I feel like she went into a fix-a-flat style back alley plastic surgeon’s office with a picture of Kim Kardashian and said, “I want this… but with a touch of Down’s.” Well that fucker succeeded, because that is exactly what she looks like. I’d rather watch Khloe feed on any number of small woodland creatures in her den up in the hills than look at Irina’s face. Don’t get me started on Elena and all of her clown make-up. Russia is a fucked up place if your father’s favorite band or whatever is Blondie. I’m not hating on Blondie, but question mark.

I am rooting for Christopher because he is super cute. But he can shut it the fuck down with this “I was bullied” dress. What a crock of shit. They asked him something that had nothing to do with that, but he steered it there anyway and my eyes were ROLLING! Fashion doesn’t need to have a message, and neither does this Simplicity pattern horseshit. But I won’t stop watching it. See ya for the finale.

THE GRADE: B-

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