Month: March 2014

#Cosmos

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THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: MIKE TYSON

Neil deGrasse Tyson was on Good Morning Today with Fred Willard, who was on D.C. Follies with Mike Tyson

THE PREMISE

Science is cool.

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH

If you watch The Science Channel or Nat Geo, hungover on a Sunday, for hours on end then you know most of this already. If not, tune in.

WHY I’M NOT WATCHING IT

I have watched The Science Channel AND Nat Geo for hours at a stretch. I know this shit already.

Cosmos is as informative as it is ludicrous. Seth MacFarlane is a producer of this (which shocked the shit out of me). Why? Has he blown through all his Ted money? He must still be trying to live out his childhood Star Wars fantasies, because when Tyson first takes off in his “Ship of the Imagination,” I thought, “Boba Fett is gonna be pissed!” Then we get a different angle, and the ship is a chrome sliver of a thing that looks like the love child of Queen Amidala’s personal shuttle and a cyclops. The ship seems like a very expensive and unnecessary effect. And I don’t know whose imagination this ship sprang from, but they are about as imaginative as a piece of toast. The ship of my imagination would have warp capabilities, be heavily armed, and generally be badass like Admiral Janeway’s shuttle in the finale of Star Trek: Voyager. This ship just wills itself through space, into various atmospheres, and to all kinds of ocean depths with no change in configuration. Tyson is in a furniture-less room, alone, with a panoramic window. Speaking of Voyager, I still maintain that the first hour of Cosmos is just an in-depth look at Voyager’s opening credits. I know I am focusing too much on the “technology” in the show. Build a bridge. Don’t sci-fi me with some shit, then make it completely absurd. The cosmic radiation alone would have killed Tyson before he ever reached Mars. Guess they didn’t want to show a dead body touring the solar system… right, George Clooney?

THE GRADE: B-

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#SirensUSA

Sirens

THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: EDDIE CIBRIAN

Michael Mosley was in The Proposal with Ylian Alfaro Snyder, who was in Good Deeds with Eddie Cibrian.

Kevin Daniels was in Kate & Leopold with Natasha Lyonne, who was in But I’m A Cheerleader with Eddie Cibrian.

Kevin Bigley was in The Dilemma with Queen Latifah, who was in Living Out Loud with Eddie Cibrian.

Jessica McNamee was in The Vow with Wendy Crewson, who was in What Lies Beneath with Katharine Towne, who was in But I’m A Cheerleader with Eddie Cibrian.

Kelly O’Sullivan was in In Memoriam with Sadie Rogers, who was in Medal of Victory with Richard Riehle, who was in Say It Isn’t So with Eddie Cibrian.

THE PREMISE

A comedy about three Chicago EMT’s who get into all kinds of shenanigans while saving lives.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

IT’S SO CUTE!

These three paramedics are outrageous. First, there is Johnny (Mosley), who is usually the driver. He is kinda hot, and gives me Nick from New Girl. But hotter. He is kinda all-American is his views and demeanor, and interestingly, he is straight but not narrow. His partner, Hank (Daniels), is the black guy. He is a big ol’ queen, and from the stories he tells, he is out trollin’ for dick when he’s not at work. I could have sworn he played a Star Trek before, but I checked, and he hasn’t. And no, I’m not racist. I know not all Star Trek aliens look alike. In the first episode, they get a third guy in the rig, Brian. Brian is a box of fucking rocks, but he’s real cute. When Johnny & Hank are first told about getting a new guy, they were told that he was ex-Navy SEAL. They were like, “Oh, God!”, with the eye-rolling. Then they ask Brian about it, and he’s like, “No, Easter Seals. I volunteer.” Maybe I didn’t do that any justice, but I chuckled.

While Brian is trying to kill himself through his own incompetence, and Hank is dick-hunting, Johnny is pining for his girlfriend, Theresa. She is CPD, and looks like the love child of Jennifer Garner and Kate Beckinsale, with Garner providing all the dominant genes. Her partner is the Old Spice Guy (Isaiah Mustafa was in The Three Stooges with Jackie Flynn, who was in Say It Isn’t So with Eddie Cibrian). Hank is living for Old Spice, but as far as I can tell, he is not a series regular so Hank can keep that horse cock in his pants.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

There are only three reasons. Sirens airs Thursday nights at 10p. You’re either an OU student (so you’re at the bars), a girl (so you’re bawling watching Grey’s Anatomy), or you’re old (Wheel has gone off, so you’re asleep in bed with your teeth out). That is why DVR was invented, so set it up.

THE GRADE: B

#ChrisleyKnowsBest

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THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: OZZY OSBOURNE

Todd Chrisley would not allow the family to play

THE PREMISE

Reality show starring a rich, Southern real estate mogul who grew up in South Carolina, while his kids grow up weak in Georgia.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

The shit that comes out of Todd Chrisley’s mouth.

Before we get into it, let’s breakdown the family. Todd & Julie Chrisley live in Atlanta, GA, in a 30,000 sq. ft. home near Usher and other celebs. Todd has made most of their money in real estate. Julie has made none of their money, because you know that bitch doesn’t work. They have 5 children: Lindsie, Kyle, Chase, Savannah, and Grayson. Lindsie is blond, pretty from certain angles, but is kinda horsey in general. Kyle is blond, built like a football player, and has a beautiful mixed race baby girl. Chase is a level 5 creeper dying to get laid while serving preppy Boyd Crowder realness . Savannah is also blond, about to turn 16, and has terrible taste in high school boys. Grayson, who is maybe 6, is a little hellion in the making. He doesn’t listen for shit.

Todd is super controlling of his family. They spend $300,000/year on clothes, but he approves every item. He really controls the kids. He has GPS trackers in all of their vehicles (Chase has a white, panty-dropping Ranger Rover, Savannah gets a white Mercedes-Benz E350 drop-top for her 16th birthday), and monitors all of their internet traffic. When he discovered Chase had been looking at porn, he immediately rolled upstairs, found his laptop (under the bathroom sink!), and promptly threw it in the pool. Kyle was caught having an affair with a married woman. Todd sent private security to snatch Kyle up, put his ass on a private plane, and sent him to Samoa for 9 months to do Red Cross relief work. Todd is no fucking joke.

I could go on and on about how great this is, but I will leave you with some choice one-liners from Todd:

“Chase would screw a snake if somebody’d hold it’s head!”

While Chase is looking through Todd’s enormous closet: “Chase, what are you doin’? First of all, this is not retail space for you.”

“You tell bouffant Betty I don’t want her comin’ outta there lookin’ like she’s 25!”

OH, I almost forgot. Todd is gay as all get out. I cannot believe this man has 5 children. I am convinced that Julie suffers from fruit blindness. Todd is launching a department store, Chrisley & Co., because he wants a career in fashion. He went through all this just to become a retail queen!? A faggot will pull a stunt.

THE GRADE: A

#LindsayonOWN

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THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: ANNA NICOLE SMITH

Lindsay Lohan was in Scary Movie 5 with David Zucker, who was in Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult with Anna Nicole Smith.

THE PREMISE

A reality show docu-series that is basically Britney & Kevin: Chaotic but starring Lindsay Lohan.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Why wouldn’t you be?! It is a boring/fascinating look into the staged daily life of LiLo. Two episodes in, not a whole lot has happened. Lindsay is living in a hotel… for 40+ days, while shady landlords give her the run around. She is looking for an apartment, and complains about how living in a hotel brings back a lot of bad memories. No shit, bitch. That’s what happens when you live in a drug den at Chateau Marmont for a year and a half, and have the experience capped off with staff sliding an express checkout bill under the door totaling nearly a million dollars. Do you know how many Marriott points that would have gotten her?! Wasteful. How is she even paying for this hotel, first of all? Secondly, why isn’t she just living with Dina on Long Island while she apartment hunts? Oh, that’s right. Her mom is toxic. Instead, she empties out her storage unit and moves all her shit in with her mom. That is hilarious to me. Oh yeah, by the way, when I say “storage unit” I am really talking about a warehouse full of crates stacked to the ceiling. If Dina has furniture, you can’t see it under all of Lindsay’s shit.

Lindsay finds an apartment, but it takes her like 3 weeks to get keys, and she had to write 5 checks. 5 checks? Do you want to watch me sign lease on TV? You don’t want to watch Lindsay do it either. Her assistant, Matt, looks like he is wearing a rug and is on the verge of suicide. I could not imagine being Lindsay’s assistant. How is she paying him? Trident Layers? Lindsay has a sober coach with her also, and at one point the production asks him if Lindsay is sober, and he doesn’t know. That’s a problem. Of course, the production is put in jeopardy due to Linsday’s unreliability, which forces Oprah to come down from the palace. When Oprah comes to you to check your ass, it’s serious. That’s why I’m watching.

But let’s be honest. This show is about 7 years too late. Like Oprah, I want Lindsay to win. But that is not what I want to watch. Do you remember the picture that went around the world of Lindsay passed out drunk in the front seat of Samantha Ronson’s car? THAT is the Lindsay reality show I want to watch. Irrational drunk screaming at Samantha, shoplifting, car chases, clubs, and cocaine. YAS! But instead, we get to watch her go from fucking D-listed gig to D-Listed gig throwing tantrums, chain smoking cigarettes, and hopping in and out of black SUVs. Oprah’s coming for you, girl.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

Do you want Oprah to come for you, too?

OWN is channel 1170 on U-Verse, 1152 on Time Warner, 279 on DirecTV, and 189 on Dish.

THE GRADE: C+

 

 

TV News

Eye - Lord of the Rings

Sauron’s favorite network just renewed 17 more shows for next season. The most important of which are The Good Wife and Elementary.

The rest I don’t give a shit about, but here they are: NCIS: Los Angeles, Person of Interest, Criminal Minds, CSI, Hawaii Five-0, Blue Bloods, 2 Broke Girls, Mike & Molly, Mom, The Millers, Two & A Half Men, The Amazing Race, 60 Minutes, Undercover Boss, & 48 Hours.

 

About A Boy

About A Boy

THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: HUGH GRANT

David Walton was in Break Point with J.K. Simmons, who was in The Reluctant Professor with Hugh Grant.

Minnie Driver was in Phantom of the Opera with Paul Brooke, who was in The Lair of the White Worm with Hugh Grant.

Benjamin Stockham was in Quarantine with Bernard White, who was in American Dreamz with Hugh Grant.

Al Madrigal was in Lies & Illusions with Christian Slater, who was in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves with Alan Rickman, who was in Sense & Sensibility with Hugh Grant.

Annie Mumolo was in Bewitched with Heather Burns, who was in Two Weeks Notice with Hugh Grant.

THE PREMISE

Based on the movie of the same name, the show centers on the relationship between a single bachelor and the single-mom and her 11-year old son living next door.

WHAT WORKS

The chemistry between Will (Walton) and Marcus (Stockham). Their relationship had to be believeable and relatable, otherwise this show would just be called Sandusky’s Place. Do you know what I’m saying?

We first meet Will trying to get on Leslie Bibb (who was Confessions of a Shopaholic with Ashley Klein, who was in Did You Hear About the Morgans? with Hugh Grant) after meeting her on the street trying to get her cello (yeah, right) out of her car. Will was on the trolley with his BFF (Madrigal, giving Josh Flagg realness), and he jumps off when sees Bibb. Will greets her by saying, “Cello” instead of “Hello” which is GROSS. Then she throws herself at him after he spoonfed her a bowl of bullshit (about having a son named Jonah who went to Africa to cure his leukemia) in a group meeting for single parents (I think?!). She gets a phone call in the middle of sexy time, and bounces. He runs out in an open button-down and tighty-whiteys. Meow. Meanwhile, Fiona (Driver) and Marcus are moving in. At first sight, Marcus is giving serious androg-o-fem and I wasn’t on board. Fast-forward to Marcus being introduced to Bibb as Jonah. While Will is hugging “Jonah”, Marcus whispers in his ear, “I own you.” Completely on board.

The show is really cute, not in a manipulative way, and I am loving it so far. It kinda want to watch the movie again to compare. Will is so adorable, Marcus is awesome, and it keeps getting better. Lil’ Jon showed up in episode 2! YEAH!! I did have one complaint (besides “Cello”)…

WHAT DOESN’T

Minnie Driver needs to bring it down a notch.

Her performance in the pilot is almost too shrill to be believed. My guess is someone at the network agreed, but she gets better each week. Don’t get me wrong, I love Minnie Driver. I wish The Riches was still on. Actually, I take that back. There is no way those gypsy grifters would still be getting away with being the Riches 6 years later. They would be out of storylines and it probably would have turned into Moonraker or some shit. Besides, if it were still on, Cael wouldn’t be over on Shameless being America’s Next Top Bottom for Ian!

THE GRADE: A-