This Bitch Is Bringing It

#FWBL

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THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: DEIDRE HALL

James Van Der Beek was on Law & Order: Criminal Intent with Billy Wirth, who was on Wiseguys with Deidre Hall.

Majandra Delfino was on Help Me Help You with Steve Bannos, who was on Days of Our Lives with Deidre Hall.

Zoe Lister Jones was on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit with Rhea Perlman, who was on NBC 75th Anniversary Special with Deidre Hall.

Brooklyn Decker was on The League with Alina Foley, who was on Days of Our Lives with Deidre Hall.

Kevin Connolly was on ER with Noah Wyle, who was on NBC 75th Anniversary Special with Deidre Hall.

Rick Donald was on Home and Away with David Jones-Roberts, who was on Days of Our Lives with Deidre Hall.

THE PREMISE

The show follows two couples (one married with kids, the other recently engaged), a guy divorcing, and a single woman who are all friends.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Zoe Lister Jones.

Will (Van Der Beek) and Bobby (Connolly) are both doctors. Bobby is married to Andi (Delfino) who is pregnant with child #2. Will’s wife just left him, apparently took everything, so he is living with Bobby & Andi. Jules (Decker) and Lowell (Donald) have just gotten engaged. Lowell is an Aussie who is giving the poor man’s Curtis Stone realness. Jules is one of those women that becomes the man she is dating. She takes on their lifestyles, habits, food preferences, etc. as her own. In one episode, they all get pizza but Jules & Lowell have some soy bullshit pizza. When Lowell goes to get plates or some shit, Jules leans over to Bobby and says “Let me smell your meat.” That is not the same as “Let Me Smell Yo’ Dick” as she was referring to his pepperoni pizza. Was it funny? No. Everyone has a pretty much cheerful disposition, except for the Andi who is going through the typical sitcom pregnancy issues. She can smell everything! She wants to eat weird shit! She wants to be penetrated until Bobby can’t ejaculate anymore! They are not breaking new ground here.

However, the spinster of the group is where its at. Her name is Kate (Lister). Kate is serving Whitney Cummings realness… except she’s pretty. Lister was even on an episode of Whitney! She is the dark cloud to all of their sunshine. EW slammed the show because they felt that Lister’s tone was so disparate from the rest of the cast that she sticks out like a sore thumb and ruins the dynamic. I completely disagree. Van Der Beek and Donald are eye candy only as far as I am concerned. Bobby and Andi could fucking disappear for all I care. They are useless. Kate rains on every parade, and not in a Debbie Downer kind of way but in an awesome bitch kind of way. If you haven’t noticed, I love bitches. So naturally I think that Kate should have a talk show, that airs right after Pam (yes, Pam from True Blood needs a talk show and everyone wants the post-Pam time slot). Kate is deadpan, and bitchy and I am living for her. “So I said to my assistant, ‘If you’re going to have a c-section, have it on the weekend.'”

I am sorry, but I have to digress for a moment. While writing this review, a commercial came on for those Magnum chocolate ice cream bars. First of all, that is a horrible name for ice cream. Magnum? Am I the only one that thinks that it is frozen semen wrapped in chocolate? What bothers me the most is the fact that Rachel Bilson is the face of this mess. Why is Summer Roberts hawking ice cream? Has she blown through all of her Jumper money? Furthermore, why in the fuck did Karl Lagerfeld shoot the print campaign for this? Karl hates fat people, so why would he be involved with an ice cream campaign? Plus Summer doesn’t like look the type of girl who would hop out of her car and run to the truck in the middle of traffic to have an ice cream. The DirecTV marionette girlfriend with the lemonade is more believable.

Ok, back on track. Kate is the shit, so get the fuck into it.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

As I said before, Bobby and Andi are useless. The problem is Will is living with them, so most of the show takes place in their house. They really have nothing to offer. I liked E on Entourage, until that show became so fucking boring that I quit it years before it ended. Unfortunately, E brought that boredom with him.

THE GRADE: B

#Mixology

mixology

THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: MATTHEW FOX

Craig Frank was on Weeds with Marcus Toji, who was on Party of Five with Matthew Fox.

Ginger Gonzaga was on Legit with DJ Qualls, who was on Lost with Matthew Fox.

Blake Lee was on Parks & Recreation with Jim O’Heir, who was on Party of Five with Matthew Fox.

Kate Simses was on Wedding Band with Harold Perrineau, who was on Lost with Matthew Fox.

Vanessa Lengies was on Ratz with Dolores Drake, who was on Party of Five with Matthew Fox.

Adam Campbell was on Touch with Said Taghmaoui, who was on Lost with Matthew Fox.

Alexis Carra was on Bones with TJ Thyne, who was on Party of Five with Matthew Fox.

Adan Canto was on The Following with Maggie Grace, who was on Lost with Matthew Fox.

Andrew Santino was on The Office with Josh Groban, who was on The 32nd Annual American Music Awards with Matthew Fox.

Frances Shaw was on CSI: NY with Eddie Cahill, who was on Haunted with Matthew Fox.

THE PREMISE

It takes place on one night in a bar where 10 singles are getting sloppy and looking for love.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Maya.

Let’s break down the singles, shall we?

First up is Cal (Frank). Cal’s name might as well be Token as far as I am concerned. He’s cute enough, but Jesus he is boring. He really brings nothing to the table, so we’ll move on. Cal is at the bar with two of his buddies, Tom & Bruce. Tom (Lee) is a boy-next door type who is giving Colin-Hanks-meets-a-lamppost realness. He is a romantic in a very naive, aw shucks kind of way. Bruce (Santino), on the other hand, is a pussy hound who just wants to get it in. I also think I am detecting a slight personality disorder from him. But he’s fun. Up next is Kacey (Lengies), who is a cocktail server at the bar. You’ll know this girl the moment you see her. She uttered one of the most immortal lines in cinema history… from Stick It: “It’s not called ‘gym-nice-tics.'” Yes, that bitch. Kacey is from the same small fictitious town in Ohio as Cal. She’s a box of fucking rocks. Her and Cal try to get something going (which is unprofessional girl because she is at work), but she can’t stop fucking on the bartender, Dominic.

Take one look at Dominic (Canto), and you’ll be on board. You’d let him put it anywhere. He was Paul (of Paul & Jacob) on The Following, and they were a hot ass couple. The fact that Paul was killed (and that bitch Emma is still alive) is why I quit that show. Dominic is a typical hot bartender. The bridge-and-tunnel cougars are all sniffing around him, the guys are asking him for dating advice, etc. Speaking of bridge-and-tunnel, that brings me to Jessica (Carra) and Fab (Shaw). Jessica is a hot single mom from NJ, in the city to get laid. If she wants that to happen, she needs to straighten her fucking hair. She has a date which goes awry (Kacey: “I hate it when they puke in your stuff.”),and she bumps into Fab. Jess and Fab went to high school together, Fab left, reinvented herself, then returned. Fab is not her name. Fab is a bitch. An in-your-face kind of bitch, who is living for herself.

Ron (Campbell) is the British guy who is like a tech-millionaire who lost it all for whatever reason (don’t remember). He was in Date Movie with Alyson Hannigan (who was in Buffy the Vampire Slayer with Steven M. Porter, who was in Party of Five with Matthew Fox). Ron actually had a date with Jessica, but he threw up in her purse (which she is still carrying several episodes later). But then sparks fly between Ron and Liv (Simses). Liv is a basket case. She is engaged to a piece of steamed broccoli (Jim) that she is apparently marrying because she had nothing better to do. She has one of those baby voices like Macy Gray, so naturally I am waiting for her to start finger banging her own mouth. She is really pretty and also very naive, but she just wants to find love. Most importantly about Liv is that she comes to the bar with Maya.

Maya (Gonzaga) is my girl. First of all, she is a fucking stunner. So beautiful. She is also a bitch, a super fun bitch. She is an attorney and works with Liv. She is cynical. She has a connection with Tom. Their best interaction so far is when Tom’s ex, Laura (Sarah Wright was on Men at Work with James Lesure, who was on Lost with Matthew Fox) turns up at the bar with her new boyfriend. Cal and Bruce start to lose their minds, and try to figure out a way to get Tom out of the bar without running into her. Cal and Bruce are going on and on about how the first post-break up run-in with an ex is so traumatic and how great she looks and how Tom can’t win. Then Maya blurts out, “Please! Chicks are all smoke and mirrors. That’s probably not even her real boyfriend. Look, that’s definitely not her real hair. Trust me, Tom, with a little bit of work we can ruin this chick, and it’ll be great.” My reaction to that would have been, “Make it so.” Tom had no reaction, but Cal & Bruce were on board. Bruce said that before the three of them decide what Tom is going to do, they need to do some recon. Maya takes Tom back to a table and says, “I’m going to teach you how to completely destroy your ex. Ok, first you need to start with a backhanded compliment like, ‘Oh, I’m so glad your eating again.'” YES, bitch! Yes! I want to go out with her and ruin chicks I don’t know! Wouldn’t you?

Mixology was pitched as Lost in a bar. Everyone in the bar seems young, so there aren’t any polar bears. If Sauron’s favorite channel didn’t already have Michael Emerson wrapped up in Person of Interest, I would love to see Benjamin Linus roll into this bar and really jerk some people around.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

It is a very real possibility that this will be cancelled. Mixology premiered in February to 5.2 million viewers, 1.8 share, and a 5 rating. Last week’s episode had 3.6 million viewers, 1.3 share and a 4 rating. Not good. If it does get cancelled, these 13 episodes will be a fun diversion on a rainy day when they come to either Blu-ray, Netflix, or Hulu.

THE GRADE: B+

#ChrisleyKnowsBest

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THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: OZZY OSBOURNE

Todd Chrisley would not allow the family to play

THE PREMISE

Reality show starring a rich, Southern real estate mogul who grew up in South Carolina, while his kids grow up weak in Georgia.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

The shit that comes out of Todd Chrisley’s mouth.

Before we get into it, let’s breakdown the family. Todd & Julie Chrisley live in Atlanta, GA, in a 30,000 sq. ft. home near Usher and other celebs. Todd has made most of their money in real estate. Julie has made none of their money, because you know that bitch doesn’t work. They have 5 children: Lindsie, Kyle, Chase, Savannah, and Grayson. Lindsie is blond, pretty from certain angles, but is kinda horsey in general. Kyle is blond, built like a football player, and has a beautiful mixed race baby girl. Chase is a level 5 creeper dying to get laid while serving preppy Boyd Crowder realness . Savannah is also blond, about to turn 16, and has terrible taste in high school boys. Grayson, who is maybe 6, is a little hellion in the making. He doesn’t listen for shit.

Todd is super controlling of his family. They spend $300,000/year on clothes, but he approves every item. He really controls the kids. He has GPS trackers in all of their vehicles (Chase has a white, panty-dropping Ranger Rover, Savannah gets a white Mercedes-Benz E350 drop-top for her 16th birthday), and monitors all of their internet traffic. When he discovered Chase had been looking at porn, he immediately rolled upstairs, found his laptop (under the bathroom sink!), and promptly threw it in the pool. Kyle was caught having an affair with a married woman. Todd sent private security to snatch Kyle up, put his ass on a private plane, and sent him to Samoa for 9 months to do Red Cross relief work. Todd is no fucking joke.

I could go on and on about how great this is, but I will leave you with some choice one-liners from Todd:

“Chase would screw a snake if somebody’d hold it’s head!”

While Chase is looking through Todd’s enormous closet: “Chase, what are you doin’? First of all, this is not retail space for you.”

“You tell bouffant Betty I don’t want her comin’ outta there lookin’ like she’s 25!”

OH, I almost forgot. Todd is gay as all get out. I cannot believe this man has 5 children. I am convinced that Julie suffers from fruit blindness. Todd is launching a department store, Chrisley & Co., because he wants a career in fashion. He went through all this just to become a retail queen!? A faggot will pull a stunt.

THE GRADE: A

#RichKids of Beverly Hills

Rich Kids of Beverly Hills

WHO’S IN IT

A group of rich 20-something’s that I thought were going to be huge pieces of shit.

THE PREMISE

A complex riveting dissertation on the current Middle Eastern political climate and the economic ramifications on emerging markets on the Indian subcontinent. Get a grip. It’s about rich kids.

WHAT WORKS

The group of rich 20-somethings I thought were going to be huge pieces of shit.

This show is my guiltiest pleasure right now. Who gives a fuck about a hundred day long summer in Chicago or bloody, sweaty heels? Nobody, Bravo. These kids are what’s up. Let me break it down. First up is Dorothy, who kind of talks like she is chewing her face, but the sooner you get over that, the better. Her dad has $3 billion. Which is a good thing, because ol’ girl loves an Hermes Birkin bag. She has lost count of how many she has… they start at $13,000. To her credit though, she knows they aren’t going to hug her back. Next up, Dorothy’s best friend Morgan. Morgan is my girl. She is gorgeous and batshit crazy (by her own admission). Her obsession is Christian Louboutin shoes. She has more than 250 pairs… average cost: $1500. She calls her mom Susan. Not mom, Susan. Morgan also has a blog called Boobs N Loubs. Morgan’s boyfriend, Brendan (giving Chris Martin realness), is a real estate broker. He sold his first home at 18, and that house was $15 million. He’s about as exciting as cauliflower. There is a gay, Jonny, who is not very cute. He is a producer or something. He drives a Benz and loves drama. He threw a tantrum because Dorothy was having a blood drive to benefit the Red Cross and he refused to participate because gay men can’t donate blood and he felt she wasn’t supporting him. Get off the cross, Mary. I’m not a fan. Lastly, there is Roxy, the Persian princess. Not to be confused with any of the Shahs over on Sunset. This girl can shop like I have never seen before. In the first episode’s montage of spending, she was at an unnamed store and the salesperson tells her the total. It was almost $489,000. She was spending for your nerves, honey! But her parents just cut her off, so I am ready for the spiral.

Imagine you want to go out with your friends, but the club scene is tired. Instead of hitting the bars, you hit a hotel. You hop on the elevator, take it to the penthouse, where a tight guest list of your friends (no bottom feeding “groupers” like Scott Disick) are going OFF on magnums of Cristal and Dom. Glug, glug, glug. Then the bartender working your party hands you the check, and the bill is over $30,000. What would you do? I would shit on myself, then pretend to be unconscious until it went away. If you’re Dorothy, you hand him the Centurion card, drop a $10,000 tip on that bitch and peace the fuck out.

WHAT DOESN’T

There is not enough EJ Johnson!!

EJ is Magic Johnson’s son, and she is pumping LOOKS honey! Chanel bags, Prada sunglasses, luxury moo-moos! EJ isn’t a regular on the show and is currently (I mean while they were shooting this) going to school in NY. Hopefully school lets out soon, because EJ is a hoot and I want to get into the summer looks.

THE GRADE: B+

Eric Jonrosh’s The Spoils of Babylon

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THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF LEVAR BURTON

Tobey Maguire was in Spider-Man 3 with James Cromwell who was in Star Trek: First Contact with LeVar Burton.

Kristen Wiig was on The Cleveland Show with Ed Asner who was on Captain Planet and the Planeteers with LeVar Burton.

Will Farrell was on Cow and Chicken with Michael Dorn who was on Star Trek: The Next Generation with LeVar Burton.

Tim Robbins was on The Love Boat with George Kennedy who was on The Jesse Owens Story with LeVar Burton.

Jessica Alba was on Dark Angel with Rob LaBelle who was on Perception with LeVar Burton.

Haley Joel Osment was on Murphy Brown with Charles Kimbrough who was on Reading Rainbow with LeVar Burton.

Val Kilmer was on Knight Rider with Christopher Michael who was on Star Trek: The Next Generation with LeVar Burton.

Carey Mulligan was at the 2010 Brittania Awards with Robert Knepper who was on Star Trek: The Next Generation with LeVar Burton.

Molly Shannon was on American Dad with Patrick Stewart who was on Star Trek: The Next Generation with LeVar Burton.

Michael Sheen was on The Variety Club Showbiz Awards 2009 with Patrick Stewart who was on Star Trek: The Next Generation with LeVar Burton.

David Spade was on Saturday Night Live with Patrick Stewart who was on Star Trek: The Next Generation with LeVar Burton.

THE PREMISE

The show is a spoof of epic miniseries from the 1980’s.

WHAT WORKS

This show is a dream come true. Everything works so far. From Will Ferrell’s over-the-top performance as Eric Jonrosh, to the blatant miniatures that serve as the exteriors, to Lady Anne York herself.

“At a certain point in my career as an artist, I made a necessary decision to discontinue suffering fools” are the first words uttered by Eric Jonrosh as he drinks wine in an empty restaurant. Jonrosh wrote the best-selling novel on which this miniseries of the same name is based. Jonrosh is a whale of a man with a very large beard. He is a multi-hyphenate, and they change every episode. So far, Jonrosh is an Author-Producer-Writer-Director-Raconteur-Bon Vivant-Legend-Fabulist-Auteur-Storyteller-Novelist-Birdwatcher-Yachtsman-Journalist-Short Story-ist-Journeyman-Financier-Creative Consultant-Fisherman-Zeitgeistio-Traveler-Dreamer-Anecdotalist. “I began principal photography on The Spoils of Babylon at some juncture in 1976, and ended production abruptly in January of ’79 for reasons I refuse to make clear. Shooting on Premium Nitrate Non-safety 93mm Triax Reversal Stock and Heinrich Zylist 3X Breath-Take-O-Scope Anamorphic Prime Lenses. The original running time of The Spoils of Babylon was 22 hours and was considered too long for network television.” Jonrosh is too fucking much. I could quote him in this entire post, but I do not want to spoil any of it.

The show centers around the Morehouse family, and specifically, Devon & Cynthia Morehouse. They are the children of Jonas Morehouse, a man who struck oil and became very wealthy. Devon was adopted by Morehouse after he and Cynthia happened upon him on a country road. He pulled over, asked him some questions, renamed him, took him home and raised him as his own. Um, that is kidnapping. Cynthia is in love with Devon, and this serves as the centerpiece of the show. Devon comes home from war with a new wife (York), and Cynthia is not having it. You will be LIVING for the breakfast scene in the second episode where Cynthia confronts York. I have watched it like 15 times. “I am a real woman. And if you ever want to find out you, can come down and watch your brother delighting in it!” Who has died and gone to heaven? Me.

WHAT DOESN’T

There isn’t enough of Eric Jonrosh. He opens and closes every episode, but that isn’t enough. I could listen to him talk for hours.

THE GRADE: A-

Getting On

Getting On

WHO’S IN IT

Leslie Glass from Desperately Seeking Susan, Lipsyncher from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, and Woman at Diner from Boys On the Side.

THE PREMISE

The trials and tribulations of 2 nurses and a doctor in a geriatric extended care wing of a down-but-not-out hospital in Southern California.

SHOULD YOU BE WATCHING IT?

My gut reaction is yes, but I honestly can’t say. Two episodes have aired so far, and this show is kinda fucked up. It is billed as a dark comedy, but you wouldn’t know that from watching the pilot. That shit was bleak. The lighting is so harsh. Fluorescents all the way, but I get it. They are in a hospital, so you shouldn’t expect the $50,000 lighting the used to light Sarah Jessica Parker’s mole in Sex and the City. This is not glamorous at all. My guess is the make up budget is $0.

Jackie Harris plays Dr. Jenna James, former Director of Geriatrics in the main building of the hospital, now banished to this extended care wing as Director of Medicine. She can’t believe she is being forced to work here, and she feels that she is above it as evidenced when the parking people call her to tell her that she is parking in the wrong place or whatever and she tells them, “I have a job that’s infinitely more important than yours.” Then she hangs up the phone. She is also conducting a fecal study and is constantly looking for her stool samples. Haggard doesn’t begin to describe her as Dr. James.

Ms. Swan plays Dawn Forchette, seemingly one of only two nurses on the floor. Her look gives me Snow White… 70 pounds after the fairy tale. But she likes to pump a work-inappropriate knee-high pair of fuck me boots. Any nurse will immediately call bullshit on that. You can’t nurse in that! Dawn is desperately single. We find out in the second episode (the best one of the two, which I will get to in a minute) that her husband “brought her some papers to sign” which turned to be for a $25,000 loan which he used to buy a Mercedes, then proceeded to bounce with said Mercedes. That is why her wages are being garnished. You know else is being garnished? All the fucking food this bitch is eating on the job. A patient dies in the pilot, on their birthday, and this bitch swooped in and snatched the cake on the sly the proceeded to eat the entire thing “secretly.” She’s a fucking mess.

Deputy Raineesha Williams is DiDi Ortley, the other nurse on the floor. At first I didn’t get why Dawn always bosses her around (other than the obvious), but when I re-watched the second episode this morning, I noticed something I hadn’t before. Dawn is an RN. DiDi is an LPN. So Dawn is kinda the HBIC until the new supervising nurse, Patsy De La Serda shows up. Patsy is a man (short for Patrizio), but he’s one of the gurls. Ya feel me? Anyway, DiDi is the most put-upon, hardest working person in this ward. She does all the shit jobs and cleans up all the shit. A very unglamorous role for an actress for sure. However, much to my surprise, Raineesha is the best part of the show so far. In just two episodes, Niecy Nash’s performance thus far mesmerizing. I was completely surprised by this caliber of a dramatic performance from her. I would love to see some Emmy love for her next year. She isn’t playing the “sassy black friend” for once, and it is a dream.

WHY I WILL KEEP WATCHING

Niecy Nash.

Ok, so. The second episode. Antoine, a black orderly, wheels in this old, white bitch (you know how hospitals are, she can walk). Her name is Varla Pounder. Varla arrives with an incomplete chart, so Dawn has no idea what her issue is. Antoine is like, “this is all they gave me. GOOD LUCK”, and walks away. Dawn leans over to her and says, “Hello, Varla” who doesn’t miss a beat and responds with: “Is that coon gone?!” Who’s died and gone to heaven? Me. You KNOW this bitch is going to be a handful, and she fucking was. So that comment was made within earshot of DiDi, who, of course, Dawn pawns off on her. Varla starts ranting about how she isn’t doing shit and wants no part of whatever they want to do, and she is NOT getting her blood pressure taken because “they did it 600 fucking times in that other building.” Then she says to DiDi, “You think you have the upper hand because you heard me say a bad word. WELL YOU DON’T!!” I don’t want to ruin the Varla Experience for you, but it should be a ride somewhere. “Half the whores on this floor weren’t even born in this country! I was born in Bakersfield! I want a cigarette!” Sorry, I can’t help myself. DiDi is my girl, and I am totes along for the ride no matter how fucked up it could get.

GRADE: B+

NIECY NASH: A-

The People’s Couch

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WHO’S IN IT

Actress Brandy Howard. Actor Julie Goldman

PREMISE

A reality show where “real people” are filmed reacting to various TV shows that they are watching.

WHY I LOVE IT

It is fucking hysterical. Bravo only aired 3 episodes, which is a damn shame. I missed the first episode, but the other two are on my DVR permanently. So the people watching TV are supposed to be real people. I guess actors are real people too, but by “real” you assume they aren’t in the business. The second episode bounces around through 8 sets of people: the 3 queens (one of which was a child actor that was on Star Search, Full House, etc.), sisters Amanda & Kenya, of course Julie & Brandy, the Blanda family (the mom is drinking and she gets INTO it), the Bradley-Redd family (the mom and the sister are the ones bringing the LOL’s; the mom was one of Barker’s Beauties), sisters Cathy & Destiney, Tina, Tarz, & Baby Tarzie (they are gross, and have the world’s widest bed), and the Egber family (it’s a mom & dad and two of their sons all in bed together. The sons have to be gay, one of them was uncredited in The Bling Ring and has like 5 credits on IMDb).

BEST MOMENTS

In the episode, The People watch Catfish: The TV Show, The Voice, I Dream of NeNe, American Horror Story: Coven, Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, and Beyond Scared Straight. While watching NeNe, Barker’s Beauty’s daughter says, so matter-of-factly about NeNe, “You can’t tell me she don’t look like a chocolate Big Bird.” Hilarious. NeNe hired a busted ass wedding planner. Brandy: “That’s it, you’re fired fucking Tiffany. Take your gold leaflet blouse and kick rocks, bitch!” Gold. While watching Catfish, mama Blanda was like, “I need a margarita!” Meanwhile, she has a giant glass of chardonnay on the table in front of her. With ice cubes in it! But after the commercial break, bitch has a big ass margarita. I like a woman who can change lanes and hit the gas like that just watching a bullshit show on MTV. By the time they got to Beyond Scared Straight, mama was a fucking mess. She went THROUGH it. My favorite is Kenya. She is too many things. I wish I knew how to post video clips. When they are watching AHS: Coven, her reaction to Precious being on the show is priceless. Kenya is on the right in the picture below.

Amanda & Kenya

WORST MOMENT

The end credits.

I wish this show was like Dateline in the 90’s. An hour-long and on 4 nights a week! I never want it to end. But the interwebs tell me that the show was cancelled, which gives me the sads. If you ever come across them, record them and never let them go.

THE GRADE: A

Scandal

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OK. Let’s talk about Scandal. Initially I resisted the show, but not for any particular reason. Everyone who knows us knows that we watch a shitload of television. A quick check of the Series Manager on our DVR lists 66 shows. The premise of the show was not that interesting to me, and at that time I think we were trying to cut down on shows. When the water cooler talk had become deafening, and after Entertainment Weekly did a cover story about, I decided to take a peek.  Season 2 was in the middle of airing when we jumped onto to Netflix and streamed Season 1. We sped through those 7 episodes, then got a week long free trial of Hulu Plus and watched the 16 episodes that had aired and finished the remainder of Season 2 on DVR. Scandal is a guilty pleasure, however…

I have issues with this show.

First, you can tell that this is a show created and written by a black woman for a black woman. Gladiator in a suit?! I know you don’t think a white bitch made that shit up. There is a lot of blacting. A lot. All courtesy of Kerry Washington and Columbus Short. Columbus lays it on thick, especially with that “gladiator in a suit” bullshit. Kerry only has few tools in her bag of tricks, and they have worn out their fucking welcome. She wants to be looked at. Whenever Huck goes off the rails (which is often), she always grabs him with both hands, does a half-cry/half crazy eyes face and says, “Huck, look at me.” Olivia, your face doesn’t calm nerves, it frays them. Whenever she is alone with the President, all she can say is, “Don’t do this”, “We can’t do this”, and “Stop.” Olivia is a cock tease and if I were Fitz I would have told that bitch to kick rocks years ago.

Speaking of the President, can she please stop fucking saying it? “I am not having an affair with THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.” “He’s THE PRESIDENT.” “You are THE PRESIDENT.” Bitch, he knows that. But not to be outdone, everyone around and including the President has a fondness for calling him “The Leader of the Free World.” “I’m the leader of the free world and I can’t get a cheeseburger?” “Sir, you are the leader of the free world, you can’t be having an affair.” It goes on and fucking on.

What’s with all the shots being filmed through beveled glass? I don’t need double vision. It adds nothing to the show whatsoever. What it does is disorient me when I watch the show wasted. Fun it is not.

Why does it sound like paparazzi cameras during scene transitions and fades in and out of commercial? That would make more sense for Dirt than this.

Scandal has moved quickly through almost every storyline except for one, Quinn. Why did they drag on the “who is she really?” for so damn long? She wasn’t even that interesting to begin with. The only Quinn I care about looks like her guardian angel didn’t stop her from destroying that… item.

The gay couple are caricatures. They are completely unbelievable. Cyrus, THE PRESIDENT’S Chief of Staff, is as abrasive as he is grotesque. His journalist husband, James (Dan Bucatinsky, who just won a Guest Actor in a Drama Series Emmy last month), is a fucking push-over. Cyrus jerks him around and emotionally manipulates him like there is no tomorrow. Manipulation is a scalpel, not a club. Yet Cyrus wields like a kid who’s just found his dad’s gun. Besides, James is way too hot for Cyrus. They would never be a couple in real life. James is an aging twink, and Cyrus is a troll.

I’m not all piss and vinegar when it comes to Scandal. There are some things in the plus column. Let’s start with Abby, the ginger-ess that works for Olivia. I am living for her. Season 1 was all about her attitude and smart ass remarks. Season 2 she was all about getting serviced by David Rosen. Now, in Season 3, it seems someone sent her to the L’Oreal Paris make-up room and the Garnier hair salon, because her new hair and makeup situation is on point.

Can we get into the First Lady for the moment? Until now, she has always been Ellen Darling to me. I didn’t care for Mellie at first, but then she brought out that inner cunt, and she is SERVING it. I love a good bitch, and she is delivering like Domino’s. She will stop at nothing to keep Fitz in the White House and it is very entertaining to watch. If they would just restyle her slightly, she would be everything.

Speaking of everything, in episode 2, Olivia is carrying a fierce ass black Prada bag (from 2005). I would try to shove my laptop into it just so I could carry it. “Is that a woman’s purse you’re carrying?” No, it’s Prada. B-

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UPDATE: I neglected to mention this season’s new phrase of hyperbole, that I am sure will be said in every episode:  “The Most Infamous Woman in the World.” Puh-lease.

American Horror Story: Coven

AHS has returned, and I couldn’t be happier. Those who “couldn’t make it through” the first season need to get their shit together (you know who you are). The first season was stellar. The second season took a left, but Jessica Lange’s performance was outstanding. Her sing-song episode was a dream. Bitch turned it. But let’s get into Coven.

Kathy Bates showed up for this, bathing in blood as if she was cleansing away Harry’s Law. That’s all well and good. She mentioned something about her waddle, and I immediately thought of Richard Fish, then felt bad that he was probably cheating on Whipper. Then, Kathy rolls upstairs to her zoo of black men. Somewhere in Savannah, Paula Deen whispered, “I want that, y’all,” But then Misery threw a minotaur’s head on dude, which was giving me Marianne realness from True Blood. But no one’s eyes went black as they started fucking the closest person to them, so I guess crisis averted.

So Jessica Lange, turning it cunt yet again, is “Supreme” witch bitch Fiona running Robichaux’s Academy for Girls in N’Awlins. Is it just me, or this the Belfort Mansion from The Real World? When PPD was in New Orleans years ago for a wedding, she told me she passed by that house and said it was dilapidated. Anyway, Fiona is competing against Mags Bennett for Mother of the Year, because she is horrible to her daughter (played by #1 lez Sarah Paulson, looking stunning). There is a squadron of young witches at the academy. Emma Roberts (playing the same entitled bitch she plays in everything, *cough* NO RANGE!), Taissa Farmiga (who was in season 1, and looks odd in the face since I saw her in The Bling Ring) who is milquetoast, the girl from every season that has more than just a touch of Down’s, and Precious. Precious is bigger than ever, and she plays a human voodoo doll. So, she does the opposite of secret cutting, yet those around her suffer. Does that seem fair? Ask Mo’Nique.

This season promises to be great. Fiona will be chewing scenery like none other. My favorite scene in the premiere has Fiona visiting a doctor who is going drug research on her dime. He is regaling her the the success of R&D on some youth-enhancing drug and he says, “We should be ready for human trials in 2 years time.” To which she responds, “No, this afternoon. Preferably in the next half hour, I’ve got a dinner engagement.” This bitch better werk. That is FIERCE. She eventually did some blow and killed that guy. Can you imagine?! Being coked up WITH SUPER POWERS?! I would be in heaven, but.

Emma Roberts gets raped, works her powers, turns it for a second, then flips a bus full of frat dick. Good for her. We get to see what Taissa can do, and that turns out to be fucking Ebola into people because she starts to turn a fool out and he starts bleeding out of every orifice. Good for her. I am looking forward to coming episodes… if only for a frozen in time Angela Bassett looking for a BMW to burn some trash in. If the season goes to shit, I will let you know, but in the meantime, I am living. A-.

OH MY GOD! I almost forgot to comment on Ruth Fisher in this piece. What exactly is wrong with her? I am saying that Halle Berry’s Catwoman is to blame. Ruth had normal stereoscopic vision all through Six Feet Under, but then when she had to utter the line, “You’re a cat woman,” she became a wall-eyed monster. Where did her crazy eye come from? And why is she giving Vivienne Westwood realness?

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