#TheOA: Are we supposed to care about this chick?

Image result for The OA

Because I don’t.

The OA starts out interestingly enough. A blond chick in some cell phone footage jumps off a bridge then wakes up in a hospital. The nurse is like, hey sweetie, you seem real messy. What’s your name and stuff? Ol’ girl is all, “where am I? How long was I out? Did I flatline? No touching, I’m The OA.” I’m like, excuse me, the what? Strike one.

Her parents, the Borg Queen and Hershel from The Walking Dead, come to collect her from hospital. The social worker/hospital official (it’s unclear who she is) is telling them that she is not responding to the name they provided, she is in a fractured mental state, she has very unusual scarring on her back, she refuses to talk about what happened to her to the police or anyone else, and she keeps trying to get to the computers in the ICU. That seems like a weird detail to include with the others, don’t you think? Anyway, the parents don’t care, they’re just like can we see her or what?! They get to her room, and OA is like, “who are they?” BQ rolls up to her bed, sits down, grabs her hands and lets her feel the opposite of the latest in cheek implants when OA suddenly goes, “Mom!”. The nurse is tells Hershel that she doesn’t understand, so Hershel tells her, “She’s our daughter, Prairie (gross). She’s never seen us before. When she disappeared 7 years ago, she was blind.” At this point, I am thinking, since she has never seen her mom before, she must be have been shocked when she didn’t see this:

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Anyway, against the advice of everyone at hospital, they take Prairie home to their half-finished subdivision where she falls in with a group of neighborhood high school kids (and a teacher). I won’t tell you how that happens, I’ll let you enjoy that plot development on your own. Needless to say, they all start hanging out in an empty house for story time where Prairie is spinning a yarn about a little Russian girl. Wait, before I continue, if you have not seen all 8 episodes then you should stop reading and skip to the last paragraph, because I am going to spoil the shit out of this. So this little Russian girl, Nina, is the daughter of a rich oligarch, who lives in a neighborhood for rich oligarchs. She is on the bus one day heading to school when the bus goes off a bridge and plunges into the river below. She gets out, but before she reaches the surface, she is taken somewhere and meets up with a gross lady who takes her sight and sends her back to this mortal coil. She washes ashore and is sent to live with gross, whorish relatives who are baby factories. An American couple come to assimilate adopt a baby boy and end up taking the young  blind girl instead. They rename her Prairie.

Fast forward a little bit and she runs into Draco Malfoy’s father is very interested in NDE’s (near-death experiences), especially hers. They go to like a diner, and he pulls out some device that looks like it has a pocket pussy on one end but it’s really a fancy stethoscope that allows them to hear heartbeats at a distance. Blah blah, basically, Prairie who knows she is blind, becomes too trusting of this stranger who has mesmerized her with this super-hearing pocket pussy, allows herself to be kidnapped. So everything that happens to her from here, she brought on herself. Stranger danger, bitch, ever heard of it? Strike two.

Malfoy locks her dumbass up in a glass chamber in his basement with 4 other folks: Homer, Scott, Rachel, and eventually Renata. They also have had near-death experiences. There is also a little river than runs through all of their cells that they use for drinking water, and bathing. Occasionally, Malfoy (whose name in this is Dr. Hunter Hap) pumps a mysterious gas into their cells, after which they remember nothing. He eventually trusts Prairie enough to give her field trips upstairs so she can do chores for him! Yay for her! She makes a break for it at one point and almost finds out the hard way that this property sits on a prime strip mine front lot and she almost tumbles in, but in the process he hits in her the back of the head with such force that she regains her sight. We eventually find out what the purpose of the gas is. Turns out, Hap is playing a combination of Flatliners and Cosby games with these folks. The gas makes them obey all his commands and he takes them to another location (Cosby), puts them in a contraption that isolates their heads from the rest of their bodies and he fills that chamber with water and drowns them while recording their deaths (Flatliners). Except he is recording the sound of them dying. The he revives them, and takes them back to their cells and they don’t remember shit (back to Cosby!).

Remember, Prairie is still telling all of this to the a group of people in the empty house. Back to the basement, where Scooby and the gang are trying to figure out “movements” to help themselves escape. Apparently there are 5 movements and they have figured out 4 of them. Prairie and Homer can heal people with two of them. In order to not forget, they are scratching and branding symbols of the movements into their persons (hence the unusual scarring on her back). The local sheriff, who had been to Hap’s shanty before, now has creeped in unbeknownst to Hap while he is watching his prisoners on a monitor (I have skipped over alot) with headphones on. Sheriff has his gun drawn and you are ready for this fool to be fucking busted. His gun touches Hap’s head, and boom, that is the end of episode 7. Great cliffhanger.

Episode 8 begins with Hap trying to weasel his way out by telling the sheriff that he can heal his wife, who is suffering from ALS. They go downstairs, and the hostages think they are about to be freed. Nope. They grab Prairie and Homer, and take them upstairs to a bedroom where sheriff’s wife is laying on a bed. Hap is like, cure this woman, and he and the sheriff leave and are watching from the monitors. Cut back to the bedroom, where Homer and Prairie start this performance art piece that is so jarring and unnecessary that the old woman has this look on her face that seemed to say, “I’ll stick with Lou. Knock off this bullshit.” After an excruciating amount of time, some light starts happening to where you can only see them in silhouette, and she starts moving around and it turns out she has the 5th movement that they have been waiting for. By the way, the 5th movement is supposed to be the thing that Prairie needs to basically leave this plane of existence or go to another dimension, or something to that effect, but whatever it is, it can just take you “like an invisible current.” Turns out the elusive 5th movement came straight out of Janet Jackson’s “Rhythm Nation” video.

While all of this storytelling is going on, the high school kids she is telling this story to are also living their lives when not in the house. I can’t remember the impetus, but one of them goes into her house and starts looking around one night and finds a box of books under her bed. Books on the great Russian oligarchs, near-death experiences, Homer’s The Iliad, and stuff like that which gets the kids to thinking that maybe this bitch is Keyser Soze. They are all at school shortly thereafter at lunch, and someone rolls onto the campus ready to Columbine. OA rushes there, and all of the kids are in the cafeteria when the gunkid gets in there. They are all on the ground looking at each other, and they all know the movements. The teacher rushes to the cafeteria as well and they all decide that they are going to save the day by doing the performance art installation 5 movements. They stand up and start turning it, the gunkid is like THE FUCK? and is ready to mow them down, when someone from the kitchen tackles him right as he pulls the trigger. A stray bullet goes out the window and hits a voyeur square in the chest. It’s Prairie.

Prairie says that OA stands for “original angel”. When she told her mom that, BQ slapped her right across the face. I don’t think Prairie is the original angel. I think she is an emotional grifter with a blindness fetish and penchant for hot-bodied butter-faced gingers, androgynous teens, spicy Applebee’s employees, stoners, cat-ladies, school violence, and martyrdom. Like I said, this show started great, then it quickly took a dive. I also am unnerved by the fact that Prairie’s speaking voice never really goes much above a whisper. She stays pretty much at an even keel the entire show. She sounds like a simpleton on helium microdoses explaining how Jesus is right around the corner getting cigarettes and will be back any minute. I can’t imagine what a season 2 would even be about, unless Prairie moves to another town and does this to another group of kids. But to what end? She’s a fucking monster. Oh, and that “invisible current” that takes you away? It’s called an ambulance.

Grade: F

#Sense8: I don’t h8 it, but it’s not gr8.

Sense8 Poster

Sense8 has been available on Netflix for more than a year. Since everyone is cord-cutting, I thought I would focus on streaming shows. Since House of Cards and Orange is the New Black have been around for years, I thought I would start with this. Let’s start with this, shall we?

Sense8 opens in a dark church, where we discover that Madison Bauer’s life has taken a turn. Long gone are the days of all she could eat fish and shrieking her name and busting out TV screens for kicks. She goes by Angelica now, and she has descended into the hell of drug addiction. Then, Sayid from Lost appears out of nowhere, presumably looking for Locke, Kate, Jack, or Sawyer. Then suddenly, she takes her tired dingy nightie on a world tour. Girl is looking rough, whilst appearing like a vision to a bunch of different people. A bespectacled silver fox appears on the other side of Annelle and he and Sayid really start jerking her around emotionally. You know when a woman gets emotional, she is going to want to eat something. This bitch reached for her piece, then she ate a bullet. Very good Annelle. Spoken like a true smar… later.

This mess is about a group of people who are telepathically linked, and how they cope with it pretty much. They come from all walks of life. The first member of the group we meet is Will Gorski, a hot as fuck cop from Chicago. Then, Riley Blue, a DJ in London whose hair is a fucking mess. Followed by Mexican movie star Lito Rodriguez, who sort of pick and chooses how much he’ll sound like Demian Bichir at any minute. But let me tell you, Lito’s body is TUH-GEH-THUH! So spicy. After Lito, we dip to South Korea to met Sun, a wannabe ballbuster who works for daddy yet is still a victim of that Asian patriarchal society. What can you do? I don’t know. Then we fly over to India and to meet Kala Dandekar, who we immediately find out is about to be married. But before we give two shits about that, we bounce over to Germany to behold Wolfgang, a crazy hot German piece that I know has a huge dick from a movie I saw him in called FreeFall. He plays a low-level thief in this. Whatever, as long as he gets naked (spolier alert, he does), that is all that matters. What doesn’t matter is this next character, in Nairobi, Capheus. He drives a bus based on Jean-Claude Van Damme, and all he wants to do is get HIV medication for his mom. Yawn. Next up, we go to San Francisco to meet Nomi Malone. Her last name isn’t Malone, but she is written just as bad so it might as well be. Nomi is a transgendered lady, with an annoying black girlfriend who has some of the worst lines in this shit show second only to Nomi Malone herself. We’ll get to that in a minute. Actually, I think that was everybody.

As everyone gets used to being in everyone’s head, they being to pair off, and start using each other strength’s to their advantages. Sun with is a bare knuckle street fighter, as is Wolfgang, which comes in handy when Capheus and Lito get in over their heads. Will and Riley start to get the feels for each other. As do Kala and Wolfie. Nomi Malone, when she is isn’t stripping and mispronouncing Versace, used to be a hacker when she was a man. When the powers that be that are trying to stop their little band of misfit toys from becoming Voltron, she decides she needs to do a little spying on them. So she reaches out to some hacker friends from her past. While doing that we find out that when she was a little boy, he was busted hacking into the Pentagon, but because he had rich parents and was a minor, all he got was community service. Um, no honey. That is not how that works. Oh, speaking of is parents, Nomi is hospitalized against her will pretty early on and it plays out in the most stereotypical way you can imagine. Nomi’s mom is there, in her Chanel-esque, probably St. John suits, looking all rich bitch, refusing to call her Nomi, only calling her Michael; the doctor ignoring everything she says; the nurse saying over and over that “this is for your own good.” It is all so trite.

When Nomi’s hacker friend shows up, he hands her something that looks like an old cable splitter that had been painted white, and she looks at it and goes, “Wow, that’s NSA-grade.” Really, girl? Then they guy says something about having a boner for the equipment, and she goes, “I know what you mean.” Groan. This whole show, especially Nomi’s storyline, feels like a student art film that was written because someone had the new-found freedom to write such material. The transgender storyline is fine, but “I’m not crying because of what she said, I am crying because no one has ever defended me before.” Give me a fucking break. But I get, it is The Wachowski’s exploring their new lives, I get it. And since they created The Matrix, there has to be some sci-fi thrown in there as well. But let me ask you this, have you seen The Matrix in a minute? Guess what? It doesn’t hold up.

The Christmas Special/Season 2 Epsiode 1 is now available on Netflix, and the rest of Season 2 will be available in May. Will I watch the Christmas thing? Yes. Will I watch the rest of Season 2? I answer a cautious yes. I am curious to where they will take the show. I will say this though. If the Wachowskis want to keep my attention, make this an erotic thriller about the telepathic adventures of a Chicago cop, a Mexican movie star, and a German thug and call it Penetr8, and I’ll be on board.

Grade: C-

 

No, No, & No: @CodeBlackCBS

Code Black (2015) Poster

Code Black (Weds, 10p/9c, CBS) refers to “an influx of patients so great, there aren’t enough resources to treat them. The average ER is in code black five times per year. Angels Memorial Hospital in LA is in code black 300 times per year.” Well of course it fucking is, who wants to watch a hospital that goes code black like once a season?! Come on. But regardless, this premise is already rolling my eye.

In one promo that I saw, Marcia Gay Harden (who I have loved since The First Wives Club and she KILLED on The Newsroom) says something to the effect of “your instincts have to be sharper than your scalpels.” Strike one. That is some lazy fucking writing. In the first presumably tense scene of life-saving, Marcia and co. are working on a gun-shot victim (black guy, surprise!) who sustained a single gun shot wound to the neck. Guess what kind of car they pulled him out of?! An Escalade! After some medical whatever, Marcia tells her underlings that she wants some cold saline and asks her charges if they know what she is doing. Blondie (Bonnie Somerville) chimes in with some gibberish about replacing his blood with the saline, “cold infusion” and more or less putting the guy in stasis while they repair the artery. Then, Marcia says this: “We are going to kill him to save him.” Who’s eyes just rolled down the fucking street? Mine. Mind you, I am one commercial break into this mess. Strike two.

From what I can tell, Dr. Leanne Rorish (Harden) is a hard ass and the hospital brass like her because she makes good doctors out of her residents. She uses unorthodox procedures and plays by her own rules. A female character that plays by her own rules?! No, surely not! Her biggest opponent is Dr. Neal Hudson (Raza Jaffrey, that hot as fuck Pakistani intelligence officer that was working with Carrie). He’s hot in a military outfit, and he’s even hotter in scrubs.

But unfortunately, some trite story lines ensue: one resident second guessed his abilities, another was bitter that she couldn’t demonstrate her abilities, Blondie was forced to deliver a baby in an ambulance while getting instructions over the phone from Leanne & Neal performing all manner of procedures back in the ER, and lastly, a little girl (young Amanda from Revenge) loses her father, who was an organ donor, ends her guess stint listening to her father’s heart beating in another little’s girl’s chest. I half expected Frank Gallagher to stumble in saying that he had some of her father’s organs and he needed money. Regardless of that side fantasy, strike three. As far as I am concerned, Code Black is a code blue with a signed DNR.

Grade: D.

@CW_CrazyXGF

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) Poster

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (Mon, 8/7c, CW) opens at a summer camp in 2005 where we meet Rebecca, who gets dumped by Josh at the end of camp. Fast forward 10 years, and Rebecca is on the verge of making partner at a law firm. But she freaks out, and goes down to the street to take some prescription meds when she sees Josh across the street. After a brief conversation, Josh tells her that he is moving back to West Covina, CA, so she goes back upstairs and declines her promotion to Junior Partner and moved to CA. The unfortunate part about this, is she tells us that she is moving to CA via song. I hate it when people bust into song. She not only busts into song, it explodes into a full-on production number. Frowny face.

Naturally, after making such an enormous life change, what is the first thing she does? Dumps out all of her medication, which I am sure were the meds keeping a lid on the crazy until now. She takes a job at a West Covina law firm, and immediately arouses the suspicion of the head paralegal, Paula, who I am sure, is going to be the fat, sassy source of comedic relief. The firm’s communications director, who sits in a cube next to fat & sassy, is older and spicy. She hasn’t said much yet, so I am not sure what her function is going to be. The boss, who claims to be 1/8th Chippewa, seems like a complete idiot. He wants Rebecca to represent him in his divorce since “his wife’s Jew” went to CSU – Long Beach, whereas “his Jew” went to Harvard & Yale. So he is not only an idiot, he is also racist. I am sure there is a lot of comedy to be mined there!

She goes to a bar, meets a cute-ish bartender who happens to know Josh, and invites Rebecca to a party that he knows Josh will be at. This puts her in a good mood at work the next day, which the paralegal is all over. She lets Rebecca know that she is not buying her big bag of bullshit, which was kind of funny. Next thing you know, a montage of her getting ready for this party ensues and she busts into song again. Singing “Sexy Getting Ready Song” which actually wasn’t that bad, but still.

Then the pilot turned a corner. Paula figures out why Rebecca is here, and is fully on-board to help her try to get Josh back. They become instant friends, THEN THEY START FUCKING SINGING ANOTHER GOD DAMN SONG. At the end of the number, Paula says, “Do you want to go drive by his house? Oh, this is going to be so much fun!!” Judging by the preview of episodes to come, this show may be so much fun also.

Grade: B-

@Grandfathered

Grandfathered (2015) Poster

Grandfathered (Tues., 8/7c, FOX) is not breaking any new ground here with its flimsy premise.

GHB enthusiast John Stamos plays a restaurant owner/toxic bachelor who finds out that he has a son and a grandchild all at once. The comedy that will ensure pretty much writes itself, so I am sure you can brace yourself for: diaper shenanigans, vomit play, dating mishaps, using the baby to score single-mom pussy, etc. Are you as bored as I am? I’ll get to the The Grinder in a minute. I will say that I watched Grandfathered and The Grinder on the same night (yes, they air on the same night, DVR), and I was actually more amused by Grandfathered. Or maybe I was just tickled with the line where John is correcting one of his servers and says, “It’s pronounced beef ‘carpaccio’ not beef ‘crapaccino’.” What can I say, sometimes I am easily amused! Tune in once at the very least to see how John is aging like a fine wine.

I’ll watch a couple more of these, but I am pretty sure this will fall squarely into the #onelessshow pile. Especially since there was already some serious stunt casting in the pilot as Deion Sanders, Bob Saget, Lil’ Wayne, and Don fucking Rickles all show up. C’mon now, the creators of stunt casting (Will & Grace) didn’t start doing that until 3 or 4 seasons in. This does not bode well.

Grade: C-

 

 

@TheGrinderFOX

The Grinder (Tues, 8:30/7:30c, FOX) joins the other greats like The Closer, The Knick, and TNT’s The Looker as one of the great television… I’m just kidding, this is isn’t like any of those.

Ageless vampire Rob Lowe is Dean Sanderson, an actor who played a lawyer on a long-running TV drama called The Grinder. It ended it’s run and for whatever reason, he moves back home to Idaho to get perspective. Hollywood money, but let’s move home. Sure. Fred Savage is his younger brother, Stewart, who is an actual lawyer. Can you smell the workplace hijinks from where you are? Stewart is married to the Waitress from Sunny, and they have two kids. Their son Ethan is played by Connor Kalopsis, and every time I see his name in the credits, I think it says Connor Koslopis and I chuckle (shout out Handler!).

Dean thinks that, because he played a lawyer on TV, he can be a lawyer in real life. Stewart is not into this, but the town is. Every judge is mesmerized by having “The Grinder” in their courtroom. I am pretty sure that all these judges would be disbarred for allowing this actor to practice law. What imbecile would let potentially their freedom rest in the hands of an actor?! No, no, and no.

I will say that the show does have its moments, and by the way, Fred Savage is as adorable as ever. I know he has been behind the scenes directing for the last several years, but it is great to see Kevin back in front of the camera.

Grade: C+

@AHSFX

American Horror Story (2011) Poster

American Horror Story (Weds, 9/8c, FX) is back. Let’s get in.

Let me start by saying that I did not finish Freak Show. Dandy was a very grating, annoying character, and I couldn’t take it. Plus I just lost interest. Coven is still my favorite, followed by Murder House, then Asylum. My dissatisfaction with last season, coupled with the news that Caitlyn Jenner’s face icon, Jessica Lange, was leaving the show pretty much moved AHS to the #onelessshow bin UNTIL I read that an obscure singer was joining the cast. Lady GUH-GA. I feel like that phone call went something like this:

Ryan Murphy’s Assistant: “Please hold for Ryan Murphy!”

Lady Gaga’s Assistant: “Nope.”

<CLICK>

<RING RING>

Ryan Murphy: “Hello, Stephanie! It’s Ryan. How are you?!”

Lady Gaga: “Call me Gaga.”

Ryan Murphy: “Caitlyn Jenner’s face icon, Jessica Lange, has left my show. Do you want to step in for your monsters?”

Lady Gaga: “What would my character be?”

Ryan Murphy: “A vampire called The Countess. Don’t worry, she’s nothing like the Discountess on Bravo.”

Lady Gaga: “‘Money can’t buy you class! Elegance is learned.’ Gurl, you shady! What would my character do?”

Ryan Murphy: “PUMP LOOKS, HONEY!”

Lady Gaga: “WERRRRRRRRRK!”

In the premiere, she pumps cunt look after cunt look. It is amazing. Her and ol’ Matt Boner (serving bronzed, guyliner deliciousness) roll to a screening at a Hollywood cemetery, and bitch is in elaborate encrusted silver gloves, a huge diamond necklace, and gorgeous red gown/cape combo. It’s stunning. And by the way, Matt Bomer + guyliner + multiple shots of his bare ass = EVERYTHING. But let me back up. This season is called Hotel, and takes place in the Hotel Cortez in Los Angeles. As the premiere opens, these super annoying Swedish girls are arriving in America for vacay and are staying at the hotel. From the outside, it looks run the fuck down. You get inside, and the lobby is an art-deco dream. But these bitches aren’t having it. You know who else isn’t having it? Kathy Bates as the NOT THE ONE front desk clerk Ethel Darling. Hospitality goes out the fucking window with this bitch… she could totally work at the Saks at Polaris. Needless to say, shit goes south for those two hoes.

The majority of Murphy’s AHS crew is in attendance. In addition to Kathy Bates, we have seen Sarah Paulson as Bette Tattler, giving me Jane from Daria as a blond extra from Existenz with her crimped hair (where’s her future purse?!); Denis O’Hare, who is giving you white Kevin Aviance realness as Liz Taylor. You can expect Evan Peters, Emma Roberts, Angela Bassett, that fucker Dandy (Finn Wittrock), etc to show up. Wes Bentley is also back, this time as a police detective. Schmidt from New Girl, checks in giving you gay hustler drug trash.

Enough about the cast, can we get into what Tobias Funke’s business card really meant by Analrapist? Holy. Shitballs you guys. So Schmidt is in his room at the Cortez slamming heroin. He starts hallucinating, then Rubber Man’s white cousin, Addiction Demon, appears and he is ready to get. it. ON. *YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET A STUNNING* Addiction Demon, flips Schmidt over, pulls his ass out, dons a strap on that looks like a fucking horse dick-sized drill bit and proceeds to get in that ass. It is mesmerizing… mostly because I couldn’t believe this made it to air. It’s not a quick scene either, you get to see it from all kinds of angles. Fast forward to the cemetery screening, Gaga & Boner pick up a hot couple (a sexy ginger and an Asian chick), take them back to the hotel, start getting their groove on and right when it is time for Boner to get on that ginger,  it turns into True Blood. “Oh yes, there will be blood.”

Grade: A-.