Month: January 2014

True Detective

True Detective

THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF JERRY ORBACH

Matthew McConaughey was in Killer Joe with Gina Gershon who was in Out for Justice with Jerry Orbach.

Woody Harrelson was in Indecent Proposal with Seymour Cassel who was in Manna from Heaven with Jerry Orbach.

Michael Potts was in Diggers with Maura Tierney who was in Dead Women in Lingerie with Jerry Orbach.

Tory Kittles was in Phone Booth with Svetlana Efremova who was in Prince of Central Park with Jerry Orbach.

Michelle Monaghan was in Mr. & Mrs. Smith with Angela Bassett who was in F/X with Jerry Orbach.

THE PREMISE

Two Louisiana detectives hunt for a serial killer.

WHAT WORKS

The performances of the Lincoln Lawyer (as Detective Rust Cohle) and Haymitch (as Detective Martin Hart) are compelling, and they have incredible chemistry. If the opening credits of True Blood and Six Feet Under made a baby, it would look just like the opening credits of this show. The show takes place in 1995, and is told in flashback. I don’t know what technology was like in Louisiana in 1995, but at one point Mickey Knox pulls out a walkie-talkie that would make Zach Morris’s cell phone blush with inadequacy. It was the size of a toddler.

This show could also be called Demons, because everyone’s got them. The killer they are hunting for clearly has an issue of some sort, because the first victim we see is a naked girl tied to a tree with antlers. The fuck? Cohle seems batshit crazy, and Hart is cheating on his wife (sexual demons!). HBO doesn’t fuck around when it comes to good drama, however…

WHAT DOESN’T

This show moves at a glacial pace. I thought The Wire was slow, but that show moves at a breakneck pace compared to True Detective. I fell asleep a little more than halfway through the second episode and I wasn’t the slightest bit tired when I started it! This is not made for binge-watching, an hour a week is more than enough. Other than pacing, I only have two complaints about the show. 1. The way Cohle smokes. With every drag he takes, you would think he was about to go under water. He takes the loudest and deepest breath, and it drives me up the wall. 2. The way Hart talks. I didn’t notice it so much in the first episode (guess I couldn’t hear it over Rust’s smoking), but it is rampant in the second. He sounds like he has marbles in his mouth, or a big wad of chew or something. It also drives me crazy, because he sort of picks and chooses how “chewy” he’s going to sound at any minute. They both need to get their shit together.

THE GRADE: B

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Enlisted

Enlisted

THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF DAMON WAYANS

Geoff Stults was on October Road with Bill Cobbs who was on My Wife and Kids with Damon Wayans.

Chris Lowell was on Private Practice with Gina Rivera who was on In Living Color with Damon Wayans.

Parker Young was on Suburgatory with Tom Yi who was on Damon with Damon Wayans.

Keith David was on Rhythm & Jam with Carrie Ann Inaba who was on In Living Color with Damon Wayans.

Angelique Cabral was on Happy Endings with Damon Wayans Jr. who was on My Wife and Kids with Damon Wayans.

THE PREMISE

Three brothers are stationed at the same Army base in Florida. Hilarity ensues.

WHAT WORKS

At first, nothing. But then something happened between the first and second episode, and the quality jumped 100%. If you only watched the first episode, you probably bolted. The first episode is terrible. I stuck around because Entertainment Weekly said it was funny, then it was #7 on The Must List. It is quite a charming little show. It is unfortunate that FOX put it on Friday nights at 9:30. Last night, Enlisted had 3.2 million viewers (making it the #11 show of the night… out of 15) and 1.0 18-49 rating (meaning 1% of viewers ages 18-49 watched), which was an increase of 66.67% from the week before. That’s not good.

What is really working so far is the chemistry between the brothers. The brothers are all hot, by the way. Hot. The oldest brother (Pete, who kinda looks like Nathan Petrelli from Heroes) was stationed in Afghanistan, and he fucked up and got sent to Florida to join his brothers in a rear detachment unit (they wash tanks and shit). The two younger brothers are what the fuck is up. The youngest (Randy, giving Peter Facinelli realness) is Ryan Shay from Suburgatory, and apparently that is the only character he can play: hot & dumb. I’ll watch that all day. He thinks the Pixar lamp doesn’t have a family, and he’s quite passionate in that conviction. The middle brother (Derrick, serving me boner headaches) is that drunk asshole guy that Skeeter dated in The Help. To me, he is next-level sexy and he could put it anywhere. They are part of a squadron of typical misfits: the nerd, the fat guy, a sassy black girl, a crazy Asian girl, etc. There is another unit on the base led by Sgt. Perez, which brings me to…

WHAT DOESN’T

Sgt. Perez.

I don’t know this bitch from a hole in the ground. When I looked her up on IMDb, it turns out she has guested in several things I’ve seen (Friends With Benefits, Happy Endings, Don’t Trust the B– in Apartment 23) but I don’t remember her basic ass. She’s the love interest for Pete, and I couldn’t care less about her. In the first episode, she worked my last nerve by doing her best impression of Big Red from Bring It On. In subsequent episodes, my patience is tested the moment she appears on-screen. Don’t invest, she has nothing to offer.

THE GRADE: B

Eric Jonrosh’s The Spoils of Babylon

spoils-of-babylon

THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF LEVAR BURTON

Tobey Maguire was in Spider-Man 3 with James Cromwell who was in Star Trek: First Contact with LeVar Burton.

Kristen Wiig was on The Cleveland Show with Ed Asner who was on Captain Planet and the Planeteers with LeVar Burton.

Will Farrell was on Cow and Chicken with Michael Dorn who was on Star Trek: The Next Generation with LeVar Burton.

Tim Robbins was on The Love Boat with George Kennedy who was on The Jesse Owens Story with LeVar Burton.

Jessica Alba was on Dark Angel with Rob LaBelle who was on Perception with LeVar Burton.

Haley Joel Osment was on Murphy Brown with Charles Kimbrough who was on Reading Rainbow with LeVar Burton.

Val Kilmer was on Knight Rider with Christopher Michael who was on Star Trek: The Next Generation with LeVar Burton.

Carey Mulligan was at the 2010 Brittania Awards with Robert Knepper who was on Star Trek: The Next Generation with LeVar Burton.

Molly Shannon was on American Dad with Patrick Stewart who was on Star Trek: The Next Generation with LeVar Burton.

Michael Sheen was on The Variety Club Showbiz Awards 2009 with Patrick Stewart who was on Star Trek: The Next Generation with LeVar Burton.

David Spade was on Saturday Night Live with Patrick Stewart who was on Star Trek: The Next Generation with LeVar Burton.

THE PREMISE

The show is a spoof of epic miniseries from the 1980’s.

WHAT WORKS

This show is a dream come true. Everything works so far. From Will Ferrell’s over-the-top performance as Eric Jonrosh, to the blatant miniatures that serve as the exteriors, to Lady Anne York herself.

“At a certain point in my career as an artist, I made a necessary decision to discontinue suffering fools” are the first words uttered by Eric Jonrosh as he drinks wine in an empty restaurant. Jonrosh wrote the best-selling novel on which this miniseries of the same name is based. Jonrosh is a whale of a man with a very large beard. He is a multi-hyphenate, and they change every episode. So far, Jonrosh is an Author-Producer-Writer-Director-Raconteur-Bon Vivant-Legend-Fabulist-Auteur-Storyteller-Novelist-Birdwatcher-Yachtsman-Journalist-Short Story-ist-Journeyman-Financier-Creative Consultant-Fisherman-Zeitgeistio-Traveler-Dreamer-Anecdotalist. “I began principal photography on The Spoils of Babylon at some juncture in 1976, and ended production abruptly in January of ’79 for reasons I refuse to make clear. Shooting on Premium Nitrate Non-safety 93mm Triax Reversal Stock and Heinrich Zylist 3X Breath-Take-O-Scope Anamorphic Prime Lenses. The original running time of The Spoils of Babylon was 22 hours and was considered too long for network television.” Jonrosh is too fucking much. I could quote him in this entire post, but I do not want to spoil any of it.

The show centers around the Morehouse family, and specifically, Devon & Cynthia Morehouse. They are the children of Jonas Morehouse, a man who struck oil and became very wealthy. Devon was adopted by Morehouse after he and Cynthia happened upon him on a country road. He pulled over, asked him some questions, renamed him, took him home and raised him as his own. Um, that is kidnapping. Cynthia is in love with Devon, and this serves as the centerpiece of the show. Devon comes home from war with a new wife (York), and Cynthia is not having it. You will be LIVING for the breakfast scene in the second episode where Cynthia confronts York. I have watched it like 15 times. “I am a real woman. And if you ever want to find out you, can come down and watch your brother delighting in it!” Who has died and gone to heaven? Me.

WHAT DOESN’T

There isn’t enough of Eric Jonrosh. He opens and closes every episode, but that isn’t enough. I could listen to him talk for hours.

THE GRADE: A-

Killer Women

Killer Women

THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF BRANDY

Tricia Helfer was on Dark Blue with LaMonica Garrett who was on The Game with Brandy.

Marc Blucas was on Necessary Roughness with Carissa Capobianco who was on The Game with Brandy.

Michael Trucco was on The Parkers with Yvette Wilson who was on Moesha with Brandy.

THE PREMISE

Caprica 6 is Parker, Texas Ranger.

WHAT WORKS

Nothing. This shit is terrible. ABC knows it too. They just announced that they have shortened the length of the show’s season, because they are moving up the premiere of Mind Games from March 11 to February 25. Cancellation is imminent. The premiere scored a craptastic 0.86 rating in the 18-49 demo, and fell to 0.7 in week 2. To give you some perspective, Moonshiners, on at the same time over on the Discovery channel, beat this show with a .99 (NCIS on CBS won the night with a 2.93). I don’t think even executive producer Sofia Vergara’s big ass titties can save this show. Who told her she should produce a TV show anyway? You know it was Salma Hayek! You know it!!

WHAT DOES NOT

I don’t even know where to begin.

Let me just say this. So, in the opening sequence, Rodney Ruxin’s wife is vogue-charging into a church during a wedding in a whore-red dress. Not a single person sitting in the church noticed. Not one. But they sure as shit noticed when she walked up to the bride and straight-up blasted her in the head with a .38! Then she just bounced out. Church full of fucking people, and girl just dips. Later in the episode, Parker Texas Ranger is interrogating Mrs. Ruxin and she utters this gem: “My training and my instincts tell me you are lying.” Then 6 gets a DEA agent she is fucking to use his connections to go down to Mexico to save Lady Ruxin’s grandmother and daughter.¬† At first he was thought she was crazy, then says “if we go, we go it alone!” What the fuck for?! It is so fucking stupid. The kicker comes immediately after he agrees to this fool’s errand and he says to her, “There’s an excellent chance we’re going to die in Mexico tonight.” Really, fool? You went to Mexico with the fucking star of the show, so we know you aren’t going to die. This show is dead on arrival, but I’ll watch the second episode because I want to know what one step below rock bottom looks like.

THE GRADE: F

Intelligence

Intelligence

WHO’S IN IT

Good Looking Guy from Angel, Sherry Woods from Vampire High, Liam from Medium, Dr. Laura Baker from Species 2, Mike Spencer from True Blood, Soldier On Manhattan Bridge from Godzilla, and the cameraman that tried to kill Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard.

THE PREMISE

Sawyer is ex-Delta Force and has a computer chip in his head, so he can surf the internet and shit.

WHAT WORKS

Sawyer’s sweater in the opening scene. It looks really nice. My first thought was J. Crew, then I remembered this is a Hollywood production, so it is probably Armani and costs like 1500 bones. Speaking of sweaters, there was a gorgeous cashmere fair isle sweater at Banana Republic this season that I totally let slip through my fingers! I should have just ordered that fucker. It’s not available anymore. OH, wait! I’m supposed to be talking about Intelligence.

WHAT DOES NOT

An awful lot I’m afraid. First of all, the premise is beyond ludicrous. A man with a microchip in his head that can shop online with his mind? Outrageous. But I guess the chip is really in there so he can fight crime. Fine. It can’t be taken seriously. When they offered this to Sawyer, he should have shaken his head and said, “I haven’t gone through all of my Lost money yet. Pass.” There is a Secret Service bitch involved, and I can’t be bothered to summon up her name. I will refer to her as “SS Bitch” moving forward. She is terrible in every way, and clearly failed all her classes at the Lizzy Keen School of Acting. Second thing working against this show? The writing. In one scene, MARG and Sawyer are talking about some bomber at the Super Bowl. Sawyer commented that he thought CIA was responsible, then MARG has to balls to say “You weren’t cleared to think anything different, until now.” I beg your pardon, bitch? I think you just uttered some piss-poor dialogue. Am I cleared for that? By the way, MARG and Sawyer’s on-screen chemistry, like Halle Berry’s half of the dinner, is ZERO. In another scene, Sawyer and SS Bitch are watching some video footage and some Chinese is spoken. Since Sawyer can access Google Translate with his mind, he was able to translate what was said. SS Bitch is all “you can speak Chinese now?” and Sawyer goes, “I have an app for that.” Did that roll your eye? The dialogue gets so bad, that at one point SS Bitch says “What’s the real on Gabriel’s wife?” The real? Get me the fuck out of here.

I have only seen the pilot, and I have the second episode sitting on the DVR. I am going to watch it, and if there is not marked improvement, I will wipe my ass with this shit show.

THE GRADE: D+ (The + is because Sawyer still looks good)

 

The Assets

the assets

WHO’S IN IT?

Fuckin’ NOBODY

THE PREMISE

A based-on-true-events story about legendary traitor Aldrich Ames

WHAT WORKS

WHAT DOESN’T

First of all, the first character we see is Aldrich Ames walking into a restaurant. He looks like the love child of Michael Keaton and Richard Harrow (the man with half a face on Boardwalk Empire), which is NOT the look. He orders a martini straight-up, yet when it arrives, there is an olive in it. That is not straight-up. Then we get to meet the “star” of this show, a CIA employee named Sandy Grimes. Let’s get into Sandy for a moment. She went to the same acting school as Agent Keen from The Blacklist, and she failed all of her classes too. She is fucking terrible. She has a husband and two kids, a teenager and another one. At one point, the teenager comes downstairs in something whorish and both parents object and make her change. When she goes upstairs, Sandy thanks her husband for “having her back.” Did I mention this takes place in 1985? I am pretty sure that was not a saying in 1985. By the way, Sandy looks like a super brokedown Jan to Betty Draper’s Marsha. Bitch is busted.

This show is a fucking turd. The acting, casting, writing, production values, etc. are all bottom-notch. Who wanted this story to be told? Who the fuck paid for this to be told? Timothy Hutton already did a TV movie about this guy in 1998 called Aldrich Ames: The Traitor Within. That was 16 years ago?! Not only is this not timely, it is horrible. The two most eye-rolling scenes, among many, involve our Sandy (you know she auditioned for TNT’s The Looker). After some shit goes down at work, she is at home going through it. And by “going through it” I mean she is standing in front of an open fridge staring into the abyss. Teenager comes downstairs and tells Sandy that she needs some T to the 4th power Y because she wants to go to some party. Without warning, Sandy blurts out “NOT NOW” in a shrill, poorly executed, bark. Teenager walks away, then Sandy looks back into the abyss and says in a near whisper, “That was bad.” Just like this show, bitch.

In an earlier scene, she is at a bar after work (in Panama) blowing off steam… which is a politically correct way of saying bitch is in the sauce. Sandy is sitting at the bar, and a guy (an asset that dies later in the episode that she mourns by staring into the abyss) comes and sits by her and starts chatting her up. I blacked out due to boredom for a second, and when I came to, she was flashing her wedding ring trying to shoo him away. Nobody is clawing to get into this catbox. If they hadn’t already established at the beginning of the episode that she was married, I would have pegged that ring as a decoy to keep unwanted advances away. But look at her! The only thing “advancing” on her is the monster from the Zicam commercials, and he only wants to give her ass a cold.

THE GRADE: F.

UPDATE: This bargain basement shit show was cancelled after two episodes.