Month: October 2014

TV NEWS

Since November sweeps is upon us! This is that magical time of year when the networks cancel the crap they rolled out in September to make room for new crap they are going to roll out in January. Here’s a sampling of what’s been shown the door so far this season.

ABC Logo

So far, ABC has only cancelled Manhattan Love Story.

Eye - Lord of the Rings

Entertainment news magazine Access: Mordor reported that Reckless and Unforgettable were flushed down the toilet.

fox

Over at FOX, Kitchen Nightmares, Gang Related, and The X-Factor were all cancelled this year. Red Band Society should be looking over it’s shoulder right about now.

#BadJudge

Bad Judge

THE CAST

Kate Walsh, having finally escaped her Shondaland shackles, tries her hand at comedy as Van Nuys county judge Rebecca Wright.

Tone Bell, who despite his name was not a member of Toni! Tone! Tony! or Bell Biv Devoe, plays Rebecca’s bailiff, Tedward Mulray. Yes, I said Tedward.

John Ducey is a common fixture in Rebecca’s courtroom, as he is prosecutor (I think!) Tom Barlow.

Miguel Sandoval is Rebecca’s boss who is also a judge.

Ryan Hansen is the oft-testifying expert witness/psychologist/Rebecca’s side-piece Gary Boyd. Even though he is only 33, Dick Casablancas is aging like a fine wine. He is hotter than ever.

Horatio Sanz pops his head in for a hot second, as does Dr. Spaceman, Captain Awesome, and the worst character on Enlisted Sgt. Jill Perez. Only here, she is “Jill Sanchez.” Racism or type-casting? You be the bad judge!

THE PREMISE

A hard-living, slutty sexually unapologetic chick that is a hot mess by night and a criminal court judge by day.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Kate Walsh.

When the pilot opens, this bitch is in her bed, face down ass up in a Kelly layering cami and a pair of sparkle panties. My first thought was “who just turned this trick OUT?!” She needs to get to work. She runs to the bathroom, fills her mouth with mouthwash, then heads for the kitchen. She spits the mouthwash out in a dirty coffee mug on her kitchen table. Classy! She then proceeds to climb into the van equivalent of the “Three Wolves One Moon” t-shirt and heads to work. She takes the bench, everybody rises, she sits and says (in sunglasses mind you), “Everyone have a seat. Please do it quietly. Can someone get me a Gatorade?” Later, she goes to a parent-teacher conference (on behalf of some kid who came through her court, this ho has no children), and rips a serious belch in front of the teacher (Sanz). She immediately apologizes by saying, “I’m sorry. I had wine and cake for breakfast.” YAS!!

Boyd testifies in the first case we see her handle, and she fucks him shortly thereafter in her chambers. Her bailiff, Tedward, is really sassy and is kind of the glue that holds her messy ass together. Of course, her boss, Judge Hernandez, is disapproving of her and constantly either scolding her and reining her in. Expect typical workplace hijinks I guess, involving a woman who is sexually unapologetic.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

I can’t really come up with a good reason as to why you shouldn’t, other than the scenarios the occur here are ludicrous. If she was a real judge, she would be, at the very least, dragged in front of a disciplinary board of some type, and at the most, dis-barred. As a sitting judge, you don’t show up to work in your 3 Wolves van in just a bra and skirt. You certainly don’t grab an ax off of a fire truck, then plunge it into some asshole’s car that is behind you… then proceed to hit on the fireman (Cpt. Awesome) that comes to reclaim their property! Finally, you don’t flip off the paparazzi (they were there because a Spears/Bynes-style celebutard was on trial) while wearing the aforementioned bra/skirt set. Because, when you do, your picture gets splashed across the tabloids along with your new nickname… Muffin-Top Judge.

THE GRADE: C+

 

#Gotham

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THE CAST

Ben McKenzie is Gotham Police Detective James Gordon, who sounds alot like Ryan Atwood doing his best Christian Bale impression.

Donal Logue is Jim’s partner, Harvey Bullock, and he needs to turn it down a notch.

David Mazouz is young Bruce Wayne.

Sean Pertwee is the Wayne’s butler, Alfred. Forget about the Alfred’s you know (Michael Gough, Michael Caine). This guy is a dick.

Robin Lord Taylor is freak show Oswald Cobblepot.

Erin Richards is Jim’s girlfriend Barbara Keane. She has nothing to offer other than her vagina… to other women.

Camren Bicondova is Selina Kyle (who will ransack her own place at the mere mention of new Gotham Lady perfume), and she is serving Emily Rosshirt realness!

Cory Michael Smith is Edward Nygma, and it seems he will not be bringing Jim Carrey-style buffoonery to the role.

Jada Pinkett Smith plays (created just for this) nightclub owner/gangstress Fish Mooney. As Linda James would say, she has really “grown into her features.”

THE PREMISE

Gotham is the story of Commissioner Gordon’s rise to power in the years before Batman comes on the scene. Fox seems to think that we care about a Gotham City with no Batman. What’s next? The story of Lois Lane getting her journalism degree on Metropolis?

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Jada Pinkett Smith.

For two reasons. One, to see what she has done to her face, and two, to see her occasional zingers and other outrageous behavior. In one episode, she is auditioning women to become her secret weapon, and she narrows it down to two. At night, she takes them down to the docks (or some shady dock-like area) and tells them that she likes them both but can’t decide. She starts to walk away, when the chick on the left figures it out and asks Fish, “You want us to fight for it?!” Fish grins, turns around, and just shrugs as if to say, “I don’t care” or “If you say so.” Then left-side chick lunges at the other and the next thing you know, she is slamming the other girl’s head repeatedly against the ground. She stands up bloody mouthed, wipes some away and says, “When do I start?” YAS!

But then fast forward to left-side chick sitting at the bar at Fish’s place lamenting about how bored she is. She just wants some excitement, so Fish slaps her across the face and says something like, “Was that exciting?” Fish is probably going to end up being the villain to reckon with on Gotham. But…

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

Gotham needs work. Alot of it.

The acting on the show is fine. The writing, however, is not. It is atrocious. Bullock seems to be a kind of dirty cop. He is lazy as fuck and would rather be drinking than doing his job (wouldn’t you?). Gordon gives in to bouts of deep Christian Bale-style growling. I know at some point, he is going to yell at Bullock about how he just shit in the cop car. Alfred, the Wayne’s beloved butler, is the opposite of that here. He is an asshole. He treats Bruce like that kid isn’t his boss. He yells and rants. The kid just lost his parents! And now has more money than he knows what to do with! Cut him slack and find him a cave to play in.

There is also a timeline issue. Bruce Wayne’s parents have just been murdered, making him very young. Selina Kyle is a street urchin, but also around the same age… somewhere between 9 & 12. But Edward Nygma and Oswald Cobblepot (who is giving me Stefon’s older brother about 4 years into a meth addiction) are both grown-ass men. By the time Batman hits the scene, they’ll both be card-carrying members of AARP. How is that going to work out? I get that this can’t be like Muppet Babies with all the Batman villains existing as children too. I mean, seeing Joker as a kid could be fun, and it certainly couldn’t hurt the show. But you know when they finally cast the Joker, they’re going straight to Bethenny Frankel.

THE GRADE: C-

#Scorpion

Scorpion_(TV_Series)

THE CAST

There are only 3 people in the cast that I have seen in something else. Robert Patrick (Alcide’s dad, T-1000), Eddie Kaye Thomas (the guy who fucked Stifler’s mom), and Katherine McPhee (American Idol, Smash). As for the rest of the cast, apparently “nothing” cancelled.

THE PREMISE

A group of geniuses is assembled to thwart the threat of the week.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Don’t. Even. Fucking. Bother.

AND HERE’S WHY

Scorpion should be a brand of toilet paper, because all I want to do is wipe my ass with this show.

Before I rip this shit to pieces, I’ll give you some background. So, back in the day (I mean, the ’90’s), a little kid wanted space shuttle blueprints to decorate his bedroom wall, so he hacked into NASA to get them. The FBI frowns on that kind of shit, so they over-converged on his house with multiple vehicles and 3 Blackhawk helicopters and snatched his little ass up. He was forced to help the government with something, and they used his genius for not what they said they were going to do, so he presumably threw a tantrum (based on his ideology of course) and deuced out. Fast-forward to now. Walter (Elyes Gabel) is an eccentric genius with issues.

Eventually he reunites with his previous government handler, Homeland Security Agent Cabe Gallo (Patrick, who needs to put down the issue of People he is reading, and slowly back out of his plastic surgeon’s office) and a bunch of “I don’t wanna, you betrayed me” type conversations ensue. Oh, and let me just say this. First of all, the dialogue is terrible. But something was said a couple times in the first seven minutes of the pilot that was giving me Gladiator-in-a-suit-style night terrors. The phrase reeking havoc on my psyche is “a million miles from normal.” They’re all geniuses and weird, and a million miles from normal. My eyes just rolled right out of my fucking head.

I keep referring to geniuses but have only mentioned the one. So, you already know circumstances require the assembly of a team, and Walker is the HGIC. Toby Curtis (Thomas) is an expert behaviorist who can read anyone. He is also a gambling addict. Happy Quinn (Jadyn Wong) is a mechanical expert. She is also Asian, which is fine, but when she speaks, a very unexpected accent comes out. I can’t place it, and I hate it. Sylvester Dodd (Ari Stidham) is a human calculator… and a big fat pussy. More on that in a minute. In the pilot, they all have to deal with a system outage at LAX but they are dealing with it from a diner in like Long Beach or Burbank. There is a waitress at the diner, Paige (McPhee), who has a genius son who doesn’t speak but sets up elaborate chess moves using salt & pepper shakers. Because she isn’t an awkward, socially inept genius (BURN!), she “translates” everyday shit for the nerds and they help her understand her brilliant son (who, of course, is a million miles from normal). Are your eyes still in your head?

Here is the type of shit you have to endure in the first three episodes. Remember the issue at LAX? To finally resolve that issue, they have to take a laptop to the tarmac, plug into a Cat5 cable (because Wi-Fi won’t cut it) that is dangling from an actively landing (but can’t actually land) 747 and upload something before the plane hits the ground. They achieve this with a Ferrari. The laws of physics go out the fucking window, and apparently that runway was 5,000 miles long. In the second episode, the daughter of the Governor of CA has been “bio-hacked” with a designer virus specific to her DNA and it’s poised to finish her ass. The investigation leads them to a pharmaceutical company’s research facility. Chubbs Sylvester is selected as the only one who can go in there and retrieve whatever files they need to save the daughter and other victims. Chubbs is scared of germs and things, so he has no interest in potentially being near deadly viruses right? But he goes in, gets to the file room. Now security is on the way, and their approach is blocking his egress from the file room. But, there is one other way out! You guessed it… through the BioHazard lab! Please show me any place where the FILE ROOM is directly adjacent to the fucking BIOHAZARD LAB. You know there isn’t a decontamination airlock between the two. Unprofessional girl.

Everything about this show is terrible. If you are enjoying this show, or any of the two scenarios I just described above, then I don’t know how you got this far in LIFE. This shit is GARBAGE. This is also allegedly based on a true story, and if so, I want to meet all of the people involved. They can’t be enjoying this betrayal portrayal. OH, I almost forgot to mention what sent me over the edge! The last straw came in the third episode. I don’t remember what the fuck was going on, but the team needed a piece of hardware that wasn’t immediately available. They find it overseas (where all the crucial shit is), and someone informs the group that “it is being overnighted from Berlin” to which Paige’s simple diner ass has the gall to ask, “Can we get it sooner?” THE SHIT IS BEING OVERNIGHTED FROM BERLIN. Bye, Felicia.

THE GRADE: F.

#MadamSecretary

Madam-Secretary

THE CAST

Tea Leoni plays a former CIA analyst who is tapped by the President to be the Secretary of State. She looks incredible, by the way.

Geoffrey Arend plays one of her underlings. You might recognize him from award season red carpet events. He always escorts a ginger goddess with giant, basketball-sized titties while playing Ann Veal to her George-Michael. I wish someone on the red carpet would dare to ask her where those chest balloons were back when she was on Firefly.

Tim Daly plays her husband, and much like his Wings co-star Steven Webber, Tim Daly is aging beautifully.

Zeljko Ivanek is here as the President’s Chief of Staff… playing a slimy, devious government official as usual.

Bebe Neuwirth, who must have blown through all of her Chicago money, is here as another underling of the Secretary. And of course, like Lillith Crane, she is all business.

Keith Carradine plays FBI Agent Frank Lundy President Conrad Dalton, and is doing so very dependably.

THE PREMISE

A extra-special glimpse into the life of a Secretary of State as she juggles… you guessed it, her job and her family! They’ve broken the mold! Anyone remember Commander-in-Chief?!

SHOULD YOU BE WATCHING?

I’m not sure. After watching the pilot, my first thought was this is the TV equivalent of vanilla ice cream on white fucking bread… and I mean bucket vanilla ice cream.

It’s a sterile, inoffensive, unexciting,  Ambien-like quasi-well acted yet quasi-poorly written hour-long drama on CBS. You know who loves this? Your grandmother, and probably your mom. My guess would be that the last one to two minutes of every episode have the highest ratings… because people have flipped on CBS to get ready for The Good Wife, which is a powerful, explosive, stimulating, thought-provoking, very well written, and exquisitely acted hour-long dream come fucking true on CBS.

I don’t hate Madam Secretary though. I am still watching, and by still watching, I mean I haven’t deleted the two episodes that are sitting on my DVR. I fully intend to watch them, but you know the finale of Project Runway is this week (followed by the Christian Siriano-hosted dilution of the brand spin-off Project Runway: Threads) so I am BOOKED! Madam Secretary is one of those shows that you can have on in the background while you are stalking someone browsing on Facebook, or rapid texting with a friend you have to talk off the ledge every night. Occasionally something interesting will happen that will make you look up from your phone, and you will enjoy what you are seeing, then go right back to your phone. It is too bad Nielsen can’t measure how many people are looking at their phone during a show. Nothing would make me happier than to read that the second episode (which is the last one I watched) was watched by 12.66 million viewers while another 27.4 million people stared at their phones while Madam Secretary was on.

THE GRADE: C.