Month: November 2013

Almost Human

Almost-Human_logo

WHO’S IN IT

Rohann Murdoch from Shark in the Park, Calvin McDade from Metropolis, Waitress from Crime Story, and Girl from Turbo Charged Prelude to 2 Fast 2 Furious

THE PREMISE

This is a cop show. It’s 2048. All cops have an android partner. There are robot hos. Technology is super advanced, but everyone drives a Ford.

WHAT WORKS

Bones from Star Trek is Detective John Kennex. John Kennex is fine.

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John Kennex loses his partner in an explosion. An android cop wasn’t able to save them both (because he disobeyed one of the 3 Laws of Robotics, not mentioned at all). John can’t remember some stuff. I wonder if he remembers killing Lola (who was technically but not physically running) on a bridge in India? Jason Bourne does. The explosion left John with a synthetic leg.

As cops do, John gets a new partner. An android named Dorian. Dorian is fine.

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Dorian has feelings, but not in a Commander Data emotion chip kind of way. Dorian is also a dick.

The chemistry between the two is engaging. They have, or will have, good banter as the show finds its footing. As long as Karl Urban’s performance as Bones doesn’t bleed into his portrayal of Kennex, he’ll be good to go. Not that he has a history of that. There are mysterious flashbacks that involve something called Myklon Red. Is that anything like Ketrocel White? I am totally down if Weyoun shows up in this piece. Or even Third T’Lak T’Lan, after telling Major Kira’s bitch ass that the colonists on New Bajor “fought well for a spiritual people.” Sorry, I’m off track. The premise of the show has a familiarity. It really gives me Robocop meets Alien Nation. If you don’t know what Alien Nation is, that is too bad. For you.

WHAT DOESN’T

Minka Kelly.

Work it, you boring bitch. I didn’t watch Friday Night Lights, and the only thing I knew her from was The Roommate. The Roommate is actually not that bad. You haven’t lived until you see Blair Waldorf doing “gimme hands” at the gun during the final showdown between the two. It is fantastic. When Best Buy will lower the price on the Blu-ray to less than $9.99, that film is mine. But I digress. Minka is the kinda like the computer nerd in the office. Think Topher from Dollhouse, only boring as fuck. Turns out her mom was an whore exotic dancer and her dad is former Aerosmith guitarist Rick Dufay. Yeah, I wasn’t excited by that either. She doesn’t really have much to do so far on the show, but only 2 episodes have aired so we’ll see.

Lily Taylor plays Captain Sandra Maldonado. Also, she doesn’t have much to do yet either. But her plastic surgeon did something. He gave her “The Angry Executive.” Watch an episode, you’ll see. Plastic surgery doesn’t seem like something Lisa Kimmel would do, so it kinda makes me sad.

The show is a little heavy on showcasing the technology. Which I suppose is fine for a sci-fi cop show establishing its mythology. But, Dorian shows a group of kids visiting the station how he has blue lights that glow on the side of his face. Not to be outdone, John shows the kids how he can drive a knife into his (synthetic) leg. They scream and leave. The kids really should have left when they realized that Dorian’s blue lights are just like the blue circle in Windows 7 on a PC. He showed them that he can think, and had lights to prove it. Not so fucking special.

THE GRADE: B-

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The Walking Dead

I AM DONE WITH THIS

All of my hatred will be focused on the episode “Indifference” would couldn’t be more appropriate.

WHY I USED TO LIKE IT

This show used to be great. There was nothing like it on TV when it started. Zombies?! C’mon! It was fresh, new, and exciting. Rick was hot, Shane was hot, and I have always had a soft spot for Daryl (ever since Gossip; I’ve only seen The Boondock Saints once and it was years ago). Then they introduced Michonne, and I love a bad ass black bitch.

WHY I HATE IT

Carol. My guess is before she got this role, she was a stand-in for Jamie Lee Curtis. She is giving Activia realness, and every episode I waited with bated breath for her to shit her pants. She never did. What she did do was get on my last nerve. It all started with her abusive husband, then her fucking daughter, and after Sophia died I hoped they would kill her. They didn’t. Instead, this season, she is a school marm teaching a group of little girls self-defense under the guise of storytime. More like she was grooming those girls for a molesting, so of course she didn’t want Rick to know. Carl ratted her out. Eventually, a flu or something breaks out in the prison they are living in, and while in search of a cold yogurt, Carol kills two people. Rick wasn’t up for that at all, and after a trip into town to get whatever, he eventually (SPOILER ALERT) puts her on the curb and goes back to the prison without her.

Speaking of that trip into town, how do they still have gasoline? When Rick & Activia jumped in Shane’s Tuscon, they had the windows up. Isn’t it summer? That means the A/C was on. A tank of gas won’t last me a week if I am running the air everyday, and from my point of view, they have endured 5 summers of zombies (I know it’s not true). There shouldn’t be anymore gas. Or food and medicine. And how many towns and houses are they going to raid for supplies? Wouldn’t everything be completely picked over by now? Did everyone just leave Georgia except them, and now they just have the run of the place? Bullshit.

I am just plain tired of Hershel. His accent, his new Uncle Jessie-style (not Full House Uncle Jessie) look he’s rocking, his one leg, his daughters. He should be dead.

Carl. He’s becoming a sociopath, right? He has a dark passenger for sure. He could be cute when he get’s older, but I don’t care to wait around to see.

Michonne. Why has she been watered down so? She has smiled more this season than ever. At certain points, I wouldn’t have been surprised if she turned into anime, had pinwheels for eyes, and a techicolor patterned background. What a fucking joke. At the beginning of the season, she was telling Dexter Carl that she would bring him back some candy or some shit?! What? The scene that really turned my stomach and concretized (if Tim Gunn can say it, so can I) my decision to abandon the show goes as follows:

Michonne, Daryl, Cutty, and Avon Barksdale’s little brother are walking down some path in the woods. Daryl stops and squats down to pick up a rock and looks at it for a second. Michonne says to him, “Is that jasper?” He says, “Yeah.” To which she responds with, “Good color. Brings out your eyes.” Hang on just a minute, because I am about to have a fucking stroke. “It brings out your eyes?!?!” First of all, he wasn’t even looking at her. Secondly, this from the bitch who carries a Hattori Hanso sword (that she probably stole, is that racist?!) and used to have two armless, jawless, Walkers on leashes! I just don’t buy it.

Lastly, the story has just gotten stale. Oh no, inner conflict in the prison. Oh no, let’s venture out on a fool’s errand. Oh no, Walkers at the fence. Walkers in the woods. Walkers in the prison. Walkers, Walkers, Walkers. Fucking boring. It makes me yearn for the wine soaked hijinks of Nora, Sarah, Kitty, Kevin, & Justin Walker, and I quit that show before it ended too. For those of you still watching this snoozefest, I suppose it could be worse for you. Lori and Andrea could still be alive.

THE GRADE: F

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

WHO’S IN IT

You know these hos.

THE PREMISE

Rich bitches playing high school while cameras follow

WHAT IS WORKING SO FAR

The new bitches. Domestic abuse goddess Taylor Armstrong is out, as are Paul Nassif and Mufasa Maloof. In are Carlton Gebbia and Joyce Giraud de Ohoven. Carlton is British, married to some dude and they have 3 kids: Destiny, Mysteri, and Cross. She gets real defensive when it comes to her kid’s names, and I think that’s because she’s knows she fucked up. Mysteri? Unless the mysteri is who her father is, that is bullshit. Carlton’s a straight-shooter though, and she cusses a lot. I like it. Joyce is a former Miss Puerto Rico whose hair icon has to be Crystal Gayle, because that shit is LONG. She is married to a producer who was nominated for an Academy Award for Capote. So we meet the new women when Kyle throws a party after being asked to join the Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce. Wouldn’t you? Carlton and Lisa sniff each other for a minute, then part ways. Joyce I think got a little tipsy, because she and her husband were telling wildly inappropriate stories about themselves. They were talking about sometime when they were shooting something somewhere, and they were there without the kids. The husband was saying nice it was to walk around naked, since the kids weren’t there. I don’t know what Joyce thought was going on, but she basically just kept saying how that was her dick. But she used the word “pee pee.” So, you know… they’re gross. Joyce is really pretty, but she is also giving me LaToya Jackson realness in the face. So picture LaToya Jackson, with Crystal Gayle’s hair, lunging for cock… but classy. Right?!

WHAT’S NOT

The new bitches. Here’s the thing. I am not superficial, but this show is and should be judged as such. As sassy as Carlton is, sometimes she is lit beautifully, and she is kinda pretty. But when she is doing her confessionals, watch the fuck out. Bitch is looking for her Precious because she is serving Gollum realness. She’s just bones and cheek implants it would seem. Also… in one scene this week she was at Kyle’s for lunch with LaToya Gayle and some heifer friend of Kyle’s. A bee lands on the table near Kyle, she has a meltdown, and heifer kills the bee. Carlton was BESIDE herself that she would “do something so horrible.” So, she’s one of those and it is going to be problematic. Carlton is already annoyed with Kyle because at the Chamber party, Carlton was talking about something so boring, that Kyle walked away. In confessional, Carlton was all, “I don’t care if you were bored to death, you don’t walk away. It’s fucking rude.” Now that I think of it, she’s gonna ruffle some feathers and I am into it.

Now let’s talk about Yolanda Foster. Yolanda has Lyme disease all the sudden, and apparently it ruins your hair. She looks like shit. She goes in for some surgery for whatever, and I don’t care about that. What I do care about is why she constantly says, “My disease.” Bitch, you aren’t Lou Gehrig. It’s not your disease. I understand that she probably wants to raise awareness for “her” disease, but Irene from The Real World: Seattle took care of that in 1998.

I almost forgot! At the Chamber party, a tall drunk bitch was in the kitchen with Kim “I’m sober and even more boring than ever” Richards talking about how LaToya’s husband spilled a drink on her dress. This was, of course, my favorite shit stirrer Brandi Glanville. But not to be kicked while she’s down, Scheana walked in and Brandi immediately threw shade at her, which brings me to…

Vanderpump Rules

vanderpump-rules

Which could also be called Listen to Stassi Bitch

WHO’S IN IT

An all-white version of The Help

THE PREMISE

Bravo mind-control

WHAT WORKS

ALL OF IT. Have you seen the show?! It is HIGH drama… all of which is generated by the most self-absorbed, depraved, psychotic cunt I have ever seen on TV. Stassi. She is a complete nightmare, but it is strangely compelling to see what her friends will endure. I could never be her friend. But if I had to be, I would drink almost non-stop to cope. I will hand this to her though, she is a master puppeteer. Jim Henson wishes. Not only do the puppets dance for her, but they service her. She cries at the drop of a hat. Poor Jax has been jerked the fuck around be her. I feel bad for him. Someone, other than a quasi-psychotic meth addict (who quit SUR because she booked We’re the Millers), should tell Jax that he is super hot and could have any number of women and stop dealing with this nightmare. I would rather see Jax get on one of the Tom’s, but that’s just me.

The rest of the cast is just as depraved. Katie, who is doing her best Kate Beckinsale, is a worthless piece of shit. She was fine in season one, but now her hair color can’t be explained and she just sucks. Kristen inexplicably keeps challenging Lisa, perhaps because she has realized that at 30, you might want to get your shit together and not be a whore-y server at a WeHo restaurant who occasionally does photo shoots in the boss’s pool. Kristen is the horse-faced Skeletor who is dating dark-haired Tom who spends more time on his hair than she does. They have been fighting non-stop. Turns out he fucked some VIP hostess in Vegas, and she won’t let him forget it. Um, hello? Tom & Kristen live in a SHITHOLE in West Hollywood, and good VIP hostesses in Vegas make like $200,000/yr. I say get it in, Tom. I just wish it was in Jax. Katie “I should be in Underworld 5” is dating the other Tom. He’s just a nice guy and he is real cute. He is way too hot for Katie.

WHAT DOESN’T

Scheana. She is a “pop star” and a tattle-tale. She is one of those people who, on her birthday, thinks that she controls the entire group in a social setting. If you watched the ensuing blow up between Claire Dane’s cellmate in Thailand, Stassi, and Scheana then you know what I mean. Brandi blew her shit up at the Chamber party because apparently girl fell and knocked out her two-front teeth. Brandi & Scheana are civil, but when Brandi’s drunk ass saw her fucked up tooth, she was like, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOUR TOOTH?!?” all loud and drunk. Luckily, the only person who was in the room, other than 4-yr old Portia, was Kim “I’m white knuckling it” Richards. Then Scheana went outside to ask Lisa about her tooth. “Is my tooth ok?” Lisa, who is a real backhanded compliment style bitch, was like, “It’s fine. What’s wrong? Well, we know it’s not perfect. Brandy is just taking a dig at you.” Um, so are you Lisa. Who was so apparently in it to win it, that she pulled a Marie Osmond-style fainting maneuver while rehearsing with that HOT PIECE on Dancing With the Stars. Have you seen him? Yes, please.

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RHoBH: B

Vanderpump: B-

Project Runway: All Stars

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WHO’S IN IT

A bunch of cast-offs and previous winners of Project Runway seasons past. Seth Aaron, Jeffrey Sebelia, Mychael Knight, Crazy Russian Prostitute, Korto Momolu, Christopher Palu, Victor, Irina, and whoever the fuck else.

THE PREMISE

Lifetime’s money-grab attempt to extend the brand after the failure of Models of the Runway. No one gave a shit about those bitches.

WHAT WORKS

It’s Project Runway, so the formula is tried and true. I will watch any incarnation of Project Runway. What I would really like to see is a Top Chef: Masters-style Project Runway with famous designers competing. My dream cast of, say 10 designers? Vera Wang, Donna Karan, Karl Lagerfeld, Betsey Johnson’s crazy ass, John Varvatos, Nicholas Ghesquiere, Marc Jacobs, Christian Siriano, Vivienne Westwood, and Donatella “I was crazy before the drugs” Versace. Wouldn’t that be a dream come fucking true? Watching Karl Lagerfeld, with fan in hand, talk about how fat he thinks Donna Karan is while Christian Siriano and Marc Jacobs kiki in the sewing room?! I would be in heaven.

WHAT DOESN’T

Victor’s fan.

Mychael’s faux-empire waist type button-ups. The fuck?

Alyssa¬† Milano as the host. When I think of fashion, I don’t think of Samantha Micelli. At all. I think of Lily Leonetti, the ho she played in Poison Ivy II after Drew Barrymore knew she was too good for that shit. Who is in charge of Micelli’s wardrobe? You know Tim Gunn is not on set, because he would never let Alyssa come out in the shit she’s been we wearing. Tim always says it all about fit and proportion. Neither of these things is happening on Alyssa. They are putting her in things that make her look like a Donkey Kong barrel. Plus, everything has been hideous. She is too short for the shit she wears. It’s almost as if season 1 host Angela Lindvall and season 2 host Carolyn Murphy left all their wardrobe behind… then someone did the ultimate unconventional challenge and turned all of it into slouchy knits. TERRIBLE.

Can we talk about Irina Shabayeva’s face work, or rather, what’s not working on her face? Something’s not right. I told The Bunny that I feel like she went into a fix-a-flat style back alley plastic surgeon’s office with a picture of Kim Kardashian and said, “I want this… but with a touch of Down’s.” Well that fucker succeeded, because that is exactly what she looks like. I’d rather watch Khloe feed on any number of small woodland creatures in her den up in the hills than look at Irina’s face. Don’t get me started on Elena and all of her clown make-up. Russia is a fucked up place if your father’s favorite band or whatever is Blondie. I’m not hating on Blondie, but question mark.

I am rooting for Christopher because he is super cute. But he can shut it the fuck down with this “I was bullied” dress. What a crock of shit. They asked him something that had nothing to do with that, but he steered it there anyway and my eyes were ROLLING! Fashion doesn’t need to have a message, and neither does this Simplicity pattern horseshit. But I won’t stop watching it. See ya for the finale.

THE GRADE: B-

Dracula

Dracula

WHO’S IN IT

King Henry VIII from The Tudors, Sir Anthony Strallan from Downton Abbey, Prince William from Will & Kate: Before Happily Ever After, Sir Timothy Midwinter from Lark Rise to Caudleford, and Constable Edie McElroy from Underbelly.

THE PREMISE

Someone pours blood into the mouth of a skeleton in Romania. It comes to life and apparently moves to London and pretends to be an American industrialist named Alexander Grayson.

WHAT WORKS

Changing the fucking channel.

WHAT DOESN’T

Everything. This show is fucking terrible. So terrible, I chose to fall unconscious rather than watch what was happening. Legendary drunkie Jonathan Rhys Meyers plays Alexander Grayson, who is apparently tired of living in the Hamptons with his children, Conrad and Victoria. Oh wait, that’s a different show. So Drac arrives in London and immediately throws a high society party. Xaro Xhoan Daxos from Game of Thrones (or Tank from RockNRolla, whichever you prefer) is his man-servant. Once they started introducing other characters, I thought of a certain movie right away. There were snotty British bitches galore. One was giving me Keira Knightley-lite, another, in the green, was serving cougar cunt realness. There was a hottie, with a tired ass ho. He was Jonathan Harker and she was Mina whatever. Paging The League of Extraordinary Gentleman. “Don’t tell me this is Jonathan Harker’s wife with a sick note!” Turns out she was there in a busted blue monstrosity.

Dracula - Season 1

Who cares about the rest? I sure as hell don’t. Dracula airs on Fridays, which means NBC doesn’t give a shit either. A full season pick-up would surprise me, and a season 2 renewal would shock the shit out of me. You have better things to do on a Friday night than to watch this flop sweat. Like switch from wine to tequila like Mama Blanda, then black the fuck out.

THE GRADE: D-

Masters of Sex

MoS

WHO’S IN IT

Lucian from Underworld, Janice from Mean Girls, Epperly from Gossip Girl, Shaun from Fired Up!, Beau from The Red Pony.

THE PREMISE

Drama about the lives and relationships of William Masters and Virginia Johnson, pioneers of the science of human sexuality.

WHAT WORKS

Almost everything so far. The casting, the acting, and the writing are very good so far. I love Lizzy Caplan and will follow her anywhere. She’s Casey from Party Down for God’s sake! So Michael Sheen is Dr. William Masters, a stuffy, married, out of touch OB/GYN at a teaching hospital in St. Louis. Very accomplished. His wife, Libby, looks right out of Mad Men. If I had my way, she would be Betty Draper. Libby seems like she could take the Hammaconda in a way that January Jones couldn’t. All Libby wants is to have a baby. Women of the ’50’s and their stupid fucking dreams. Bill and Libby are trying to get pregnant but with no success. Separate twin beds might have something to do with it. Bill has Libby convinced that the difficulty with conception lies with her. He is a fucking monster in this regard, because he puts her through the medical ringer attempting to determine a solution for her infertility. He is the one shooting blanks. His younger colleague, Ethan, knows this and is caring for his wife, but does not tell her. Virginia, Bill’s assistant, is a single mom, who is light years ahead of her time. Ethan is hot. Virginia knows it, and she fucks the shit out of that fool. He’s smitten, and she just wanted service. They are friends in her eyes, he doesn’t get it. There is a lot of sex in this show. SHOCK! But it’s tasteful! Beau Bridges is the closet case provost that won’t allow Bill to do his sex study in the hospital. So initially he is forced to do it in a whorehouse. They aren’t in Texas, so Dolly isn’t there. Frowny face. But you know who is there? Maggie Sheffield from The Nanny, and she looks like what I imagine Kim Kardashian’s pussy looks like. Beat. The. Fuck. Up. See?

Maggie Sheffield

WHAT DOESN’T

The pacing. Sometimes this show moves so fucking slow, I’m so bored I could die (then Kristen Johnston falls out the window at Candy Bergen’s party, you know what I’m talking about). I don’t mind something that moves slow, as long as it is compelling. The Wire, anyone? They can’t seem to fill the entire 50-some odd minutes with interesting material. The sex scenes would be more compelling if I were straight. They did get some gays in the study for a hot minute, and it was a hot minute and I was wide awake for that. But remember the time period, so they were booted as deviants. Whatever! My hope is that the pacing improves or more interesting things start to happen. Otherwise, I’ll just watch Kinsey once a week. That movie was fucking good.

THE GRADE: B+

The People’s Couch

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WHO’S IN IT

Actress Brandy Howard. Actor Julie Goldman

PREMISE

A reality show where “real people” are filmed reacting to various TV shows that they are watching.

WHY I LOVE IT

It is fucking hysterical. Bravo only aired 3 episodes, which is a damn shame. I missed the first episode, but the other two are on my DVR permanently. So the people watching TV are supposed to be real people. I guess actors are real people too, but by “real” you assume they aren’t in the business. The second episode bounces around through 8 sets of people: the 3 queens (one of which was a child actor that was on Star Search, Full House, etc.), sisters Amanda & Kenya, of course Julie & Brandy, the Blanda family (the mom is drinking and she gets INTO it), the Bradley-Redd family (the mom and the sister are the ones bringing the LOL’s; the mom was one of Barker’s Beauties), sisters Cathy & Destiney, Tina, Tarz, & Baby Tarzie (they are gross, and have the world’s widest bed), and the Egber family (it’s a mom & dad and two of their sons all in bed together. The sons have to be gay, one of them was uncredited in The Bling Ring and has like 5 credits on IMDb).

BEST MOMENTS

In the episode, The People watch Catfish: The TV Show, The Voice, I Dream of NeNe, American Horror Story: Coven, Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, and Beyond Scared Straight. While watching NeNe, Barker’s Beauty’s daughter says, so matter-of-factly about NeNe, “You can’t tell me she don’t look like a chocolate Big Bird.” Hilarious. NeNe hired a busted ass wedding planner. Brandy: “That’s it, you’re fired fucking Tiffany. Take your gold leaflet blouse and kick rocks, bitch!” Gold. While watching Catfish, mama Blanda was like, “I need a margarita!” Meanwhile, she has a giant glass of chardonnay on the table in front of her. With ice cubes in it! But after the commercial break, bitch has a big ass margarita. I like a woman who can change lanes and hit the gas like that just watching a bullshit show on MTV. By the time they got to Beyond Scared Straight, mama was a fucking mess. She went THROUGH it. My favorite is Kenya. She is too many things. I wish I knew how to post video clips. When they are watching AHS: Coven, her reaction to Precious being on the show is priceless. Kenya is on the right in the picture below.

Amanda & Kenya

WORST MOMENT

The end credits.

I wish this show was like Dateline in the 90’s. An hour-long and on 4 nights a week! I never want it to end. But the interwebs tell me that the show was cancelled, which gives me the sads. If you ever come across them, record them and never let them go.

THE GRADE: A