FINISH HER!

#TheOA: Are we supposed to care about this chick?

Image result for The OA

Because I don’t.

The OA starts out interestingly enough. A blond chick in some cell phone footage jumps off a bridge then wakes up in a hospital. The nurse is like, hey sweetie, you seem real messy. What’s your name and stuff? Ol’ girl is all, “where am I? How long was I out? Did I flatline? No touching, I’m The OA.” I’m like, excuse me, the what? Strike one.

Her parents, the Borg Queen and Hershel from The Walking Dead, come to collect her from hospital. The social worker/hospital official (it’s unclear who she is) is telling them that she is not responding to the name they provided, she is in a fractured mental state, she has very unusual scarring on her back, she refuses to talk about what happened to her to the police or anyone else, and she keeps trying to get to the computers in the ICU. That seems like a weird detail to include with the others, don’t you think? Anyway, the parents don’t care, they’re just like can we see her or what?! They get to her room, and OA is like, “who are they?” BQ rolls up to her bed, sits down, grabs her hands and lets her feel the opposite of the latest in cheek implants when OA suddenly goes, “Mom!”. The nurse is tells Hershel that she doesn’t understand, so Hershel tells her, “She’s our daughter, Prairie (gross). She’s never seen us before. When she disappeared 7 years ago, she was blind.” At this point, I am thinking, since she has never seen her mom before, she must be have been shocked when she didn’t see this:

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Anyway, against the advice of everyone at hospital, they take Prairie home to their half-finished subdivision where she falls in with a group of neighborhood high school kids (and a teacher). I won’t tell you how that happens, I’ll let you enjoy that plot development on your own. Needless to say, they all start hanging out in an empty house for story time where Prairie is spinning a yarn about a little Russian girl. Wait, before I continue, if you have not seen all 8 episodes then you should stop reading and skip to the last paragraph, because I am going to spoil the shit out of this. So this little Russian girl, Nina, is the daughter of a rich oligarch, who lives in a neighborhood for rich oligarchs. She is on the bus one day heading to school when the bus goes off a bridge and plunges into the river below. She gets out, but before she reaches the surface, she is taken somewhere and meets up with a gross lady who takes her sight and sends her back to this mortal coil. She washes ashore and is sent to live with gross, whorish relatives who are baby factories. An American couple come to assimilate adopt a baby boy and end up taking the young  blind girl instead. They rename her Prairie.

Fast forward a little bit and she runs into Draco Malfoy’s father is very interested in NDE’s (near-death experiences), especially hers. They go to like a diner, and he pulls out some device that looks like it has a pocket pussy on one end but it’s really a fancy stethoscope that allows them to hear heartbeats at a distance. Blah blah, basically, Prairie who knows she is blind, becomes too trusting of this stranger who has mesmerized her with this super-hearing pocket pussy, allows herself to be kidnapped. So everything that happens to her from here, she brought on herself. Stranger danger, bitch, ever heard of it? Strike two.

Malfoy locks her dumbass up in a glass chamber in his basement with 4 other folks: Homer, Scott, Rachel, and eventually Renata. They also have had near-death experiences. There is also a little river than runs through all of their cells that they use for drinking water, and bathing. Occasionally, Malfoy (whose name in this is Dr. Hunter Hap) pumps a mysterious gas into their cells, after which they remember nothing. He eventually trusts Prairie enough to give her field trips upstairs so she can do chores for him! Yay for her! She makes a break for it at one point and almost finds out the hard way that this property sits on a prime strip mine front lot and she almost tumbles in, but in the process he hits in her the back of the head with such force that she regains her sight. We eventually find out what the purpose of the gas is. Turns out, Hap is playing a combination of Flatliners and Cosby games with these folks. The gas makes them obey all his commands and he takes them to another location (Cosby), puts them in a contraption that isolates their heads from the rest of their bodies and he fills that chamber with water and drowns them while recording their deaths (Flatliners). Except he is recording the sound of them dying. The he revives them, and takes them back to their cells and they don’t remember shit (back to Cosby!).

Remember, Prairie is still telling all of this to the a group of people in the empty house. Back to the basement, where Scooby and the gang are trying to figure out “movements” to help themselves escape. Apparently there are 5 movements and they have figured out 4 of them. Prairie and Homer can heal people with two of them. In order to not forget, they are scratching and branding symbols of the movements into their persons (hence the unusual scarring on her back). The local sheriff, who had been to Hap’s shanty before, now has creeped in unbeknownst to Hap while he is watching his prisoners on a monitor (I have skipped over alot) with headphones on. Sheriff has his gun drawn and you are ready for this fool to be fucking busted. His gun touches Hap’s head, and boom, that is the end of episode 7. Great cliffhanger.

Episode 8 begins with Hap trying to weasel his way out by telling the sheriff that he can heal his wife, who is suffering from ALS. They go downstairs, and the hostages think they are about to be freed. Nope. They grab Prairie and Homer, and take them upstairs to a bedroom where sheriff’s wife is laying on a bed. Hap is like, cure this woman, and he and the sheriff leave and are watching from the monitors. Cut back to the bedroom, where Homer and Prairie start this performance art piece that is so jarring and unnecessary that the old woman has this look on her face that seemed to say, “I’ll stick with Lou. Knock off this bullshit.” After an excruciating amount of time, some light starts happening to where you can only see them in silhouette, and she starts moving around and it turns out she has the 5th movement that they have been waiting for. By the way, the 5th movement is supposed to be the thing that Prairie needs to basically leave this plane of existence or go to another dimension, or something to that effect, but whatever it is, it can just take you “like an invisible current.” Turns out the elusive 5th movement came straight out of Janet Jackson’s “Rhythm Nation” video.

While all of this storytelling is going on, the high school kids she is telling this story to are also living their lives when not in the house. I can’t remember the impetus, but one of them goes into her house and starts looking around one night and finds a box of books under her bed. Books on the great Russian oligarchs, near-death experiences, Homer’s The Iliad, and stuff like that which gets the kids to thinking that maybe this bitch is Keyser Soze. They are all at school shortly thereafter at lunch, and someone rolls onto the campus ready to Columbine. OA rushes there, and all of the kids are in the cafeteria when the gunkid gets in there. They are all on the ground looking at each other, and they all know the movements. The teacher rushes to the cafeteria as well and they all decide that they are going to save the day by doing the performance art installation 5 movements. They stand up and start turning it, the gunkid is like THE FUCK? and is ready to mow them down, when someone from the kitchen tackles him right as he pulls the trigger. A stray bullet goes out the window and hits a voyeur square in the chest. It’s Prairie.

Prairie says that OA stands for “original angel”. When she told her mom that, BQ slapped her right across the face. I don’t think Prairie is the original angel. I think she is an emotional grifter with a blindness fetish and penchant for hot-bodied butter-faced gingers, androgynous teens, spicy Applebee’s employees, stoners, cat-ladies, school violence, and martyrdom. Like I said, this show started great, then it quickly took a dive. I also am unnerved by the fact that Prairie’s speaking voice never really goes much above a whisper. She stays pretty much at an even keel the entire show. She sounds like a simpleton on helium microdoses explaining how Jesus is right around the corner getting cigarettes and will be back any minute. I can’t imagine what a season 2 would even be about, unless Prairie moves to another town and does this to another group of kids. But to what end? She’s a fucking monster. Oh, and that “invisible current” that takes you away? It’s called an ambulance.

Grade: F

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No, No, & No: @CodeBlackCBS

Code Black (2015) Poster

Code Black (Weds, 10p/9c, CBS) refers to “an influx of patients so great, there aren’t enough resources to treat them. The average ER is in code black five times per year. Angels Memorial Hospital in LA is in code black 300 times per year.” Well of course it fucking is, who wants to watch a hospital that goes code black like once a season?! Come on. But regardless, this premise is already rolling my eye.

In one promo that I saw, Marcia Gay Harden (who I have loved since The First Wives Club and she KILLED on The Newsroom) says something to the effect of “your instincts have to be sharper than your scalpels.” Strike one. That is some lazy fucking writing. In the first presumably tense scene of life-saving, Marcia and co. are working on a gun-shot victim (black guy, surprise!) who sustained a single gun shot wound to the neck. Guess what kind of car they pulled him out of?! An Escalade! After some medical whatever, Marcia tells her underlings that she wants some cold saline and asks her charges if they know what she is doing. Blondie (Bonnie Somerville) chimes in with some gibberish about replacing his blood with the saline, “cold infusion” and more or less putting the guy in stasis while they repair the artery. Then, Marcia says this: “We are going to kill him to save him.” Who’s eyes just rolled down the fucking street? Mine. Mind you, I am one commercial break into this mess. Strike two.

From what I can tell, Dr. Leanne Rorish (Harden) is a hard ass and the hospital brass like her because she makes good doctors out of her residents. She uses unorthodox procedures and plays by her own rules. A female character that plays by her own rules?! No, surely not! Her biggest opponent is Dr. Neal Hudson (Raza Jaffrey, that hot as fuck Pakistani intelligence officer that was working with Carrie). He’s hot in a military outfit, and he’s even hotter in scrubs.

But unfortunately, some trite story lines ensue: one resident second guessed his abilities, another was bitter that she couldn’t demonstrate her abilities, Blondie was forced to deliver a baby in an ambulance while getting instructions over the phone from Leanne & Neal performing all manner of procedures back in the ER, and lastly, a little girl (young Amanda from Revenge) loses her father, who was an organ donor, ends her guess stint listening to her father’s heart beating in another little’s girl’s chest. I half expected Frank Gallagher to stumble in saying that he had some of her father’s organs and he needed money. Regardless of that side fantasy, strike three. As far as I am concerned, Code Black is a code blue with a signed DNR.

Grade: D.

@Grandfathered

Grandfathered (2015) Poster

Grandfathered (Tues., 8/7c, FOX) is not breaking any new ground here with its flimsy premise.

GHB enthusiast John Stamos plays a restaurant owner/toxic bachelor who finds out that he has a son and a grandchild all at once. The comedy that will ensure pretty much writes itself, so I am sure you can brace yourself for: diaper shenanigans, vomit play, dating mishaps, using the baby to score single-mom pussy, etc. Are you as bored as I am? I’ll get to the The Grinder in a minute. I will say that I watched Grandfathered and The Grinder on the same night (yes, they air on the same night, DVR), and I was actually more amused by Grandfathered. Or maybe I was just tickled with the line where John is correcting one of his servers and says, “It’s pronounced beef ‘carpaccio’ not beef ‘crapaccino’.” What can I say, sometimes I am easily amused! Tune in once at the very least to see how John is aging like a fine wine.

I’ll watch a couple more of these, but I am pretty sure this will fall squarely into the #onelessshow pile. Especially since there was already some serious stunt casting in the pilot as Deion Sanders, Bob Saget, Lil’ Wayne, and Don fucking Rickles all show up. C’mon now, the creators of stunt casting (Will & Grace) didn’t start doing that until 3 or 4 seasons in. This does not bode well.

Grade: C-

 

 

TV NEWS: @Extant_CBS, @BobsBurgersFOX

Extant

The #1 network among Orcs ages 18-49 just threw Extant in the trash after two very low rated seasons. I never finished season 1 because I hated it. I heard they retooled the show for season 2, but as Danimal says, “If it involved retooling, it was garbage to begin with.” Meanwhile, Fox renewed Bob’s Burgers for 2 more seasons. Do you think Halle is at In-N-Out right now eating her feelings, or taking Gabriel Aubry to court for something she thinks he did?

2014 Wrap-up

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The Flash is a pleasant diversion, but not pleasant enough for me to keep watching it. Flash himself, Barry Allen, is played by Grant Gustin. He is real cute. He was the guy from Dalton (Sebastian Smythe) that was trying to steal Blaine away from Curt on Glee. In the best scene, Blaine’s all “I have a boyfriend” and Sebastian fired back “I don’t care if you don’t care” while giving come hither eyes. He’s so cute. But this show is mediocre at best. I am wondering why Tom Cavanaugh is here. He looks fantastic. Ed hasn’t aged a day. Jesse L. Martin, on the other hand, looks bored as fuck. He left all that good Dick Wolf Law & Order money to land on The CW to do what? To play a fucking cop.

John Wesley Shipp, who was Barry Allen on the 1990 series of the same name, shows up at Barry’s dad. Shipp is also looks pretty good. I was in 9th grade in 1990 and my dad I loved Shipp’s Flash. That show was a fun romp. Why Amazon thinks the only season of it should be more than $40 is beyond me.

The Arrow shows up for a hot minute, and what a hot minute it was. Both of the Amell boys? Meow. But Jesse Martin’s daughter on the show is a mystery. I can’t figure out if she is in high school or college. She was writing a dissertation on something, but then basically asked her dad for permission to go to the mall or some shit with Barry. I don’t get it. Pretty quickly we find out that she is fucking her dad’s partner, so I going with she is in high school. Right?!

THE GRADE: C

Marry Me stars Casey Wilson (Penny of Happy Endings fame) and Ken Marino (of anything his friends put him in fame), and I love them. I thought they could do no wrong. Until this. It’s not their fault though, you can only do so much with a script. Anyway, the show started out promising. In the pilot, Casey’s Annie and Ken’s Jake have just returned home to Chicago after a vacation some place beachy. The conversation quickly turns to how Jake missed probably the best opportunity to propose to her. What started as a breezy, just back from vacay conversation, devolved into a fucking tirade on Annie’s part to beat the band. She started going OFF. She was throwing everybody under the bus: Jake, their friends (Dennah, Gil, Kay), she called Jake’s mom a bitch, and then she just went on and on. Oh by the way, she does all this ranting in the kitchen, with her back to Jake the entire time. Meanwhile, Jake is on one knee with the ring ready. All his attempts to get her to shut her fucking mouth were futile, she just kept spewing. When she finally turns around, there’s Jake still in position, then out from random places in their apartment come Dennah, Gil, Myrna (Jake’s mom, a still looking amazing Jo Beth Williams), and Annie’s dads Kevin (Tim Meadows & Dan Bucatinsky). You don’t know right away that Kay is in the apartment too, but I won’t ruin that for you.

Then episode, after episode, it turned into a cloying, sap fest that turned my stomach and rolled my eye. I have since stopped watching the show, but the last episode I watched had Natasha Leggero guest starring as Dennah’s new cop boyfriend’s (Rob Riggle) partner, Laguna Mattata. I am not kidding. Gil, the loveable fat guy, was like “You’re name is Laguna Mattata?!” to which she says something like “yeah, gotta problem with that civilian?!” Gil then says, “No, its cute in a female authority figure with a gun kind of way” and she responds with “You’re cute too, in an adorable human shield kind of way.” That… cracked me up. But the show is garbage. Don’t. Bother.

THE GRADE: D

Stalker starred Nikita (Maggie Q) and Shelby’s husband Jackson (Dylan McDermott) as some kind of cops. I can’t even be bothered to look it up. We watched one episode I think, maybe 2. In an early scene, there is a male assailant coming for this bitch in an M-class Mercedes SUV. I am pretty sure he had been stalking her and it was about to come to its tragic end. That’s all fine. What I can’t get past is this: if someone pours gasoline on the hood/front end of your SUV and ignites it, your fuel tank AT THE REAR OF THE VEHICLE, is not going to explode. Ever. Hers did, so I quit. This shit was cancelled anyway.

THE GRADE: F

#HowToGetAwayWithMurder

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THE CAST

Viola Davis is Annalise Keating, a ball-busting power attorney and law school professor serving serious “That is a wig, bitch” eleganza, who really needs to bring everything down a notch.

Billy Brown is local cop Nate Lahey.

Katie Findlay is Gibbins’ across the hall neighbor Rebecca Sutter. She was Rosie Larsen on The Killing. She gives me Blair Waldorf all day long.

Charlie Weber is Annalise’s investigator Frank Delfino. He’s beardy sexy.

Liza Weil also works for Annalise. She’s Bonnie Winterbottom. She. Is. A. BITCH.

Tom Verica is Annalise’s wandering husband Sam.

THE LAW STUDENTS:

Alfred Enoch is wait-listed Wes Gibbins. Alfred has 16 acting credits. Half of them are the Harry Potter films.

Jack Falahee is Connor Walsh, and he can get it. He’s the man-whore of the group.

Aja Naomi King is Michaela Pratt. Michaela is annoying as all get out.

Matt McGorry is Asher Millstone. You’ll know him better as John Bennett, the cute prison guard on Orange Is the New Black.

Karla Souza is Laurel Castillo. She’s the whore of the group.

THE PREMISE

A “suspense-driven” legal thriller about a group of law students and their mysterious criminal defense professor.

LET’S CUT THE SHIT

This show is beyond ludicrous.

Annalise Keating is another strong black woman from Shondaland, and it shows. Annalise is very testosterone-driven and aggressive. Imagine Olivia Pope after a couple cycles of T. She’s hulkish and needs to dial it back a bit. Don’t get me wrong, I love Viola Davis. I am just questioning some of her acting choices here. I agree with Brandy Howard (The People’s Couch) that Viola should be saving that one-tear snot crying for the movies. That is a $10 million cry.

Annalise’s students assist her with cases she is working on. That’s all fine and dandy, but she does not care that they have other classes they should be attending. In fact, we don’t see them in any other classes, and they always complain about the classes they are allegedly missing. The truth of the matter is, none of them will become lawyers. They will all fail out because they are skipping other classes. What they do for Annalise, and what she demands of them, is basically a full-time job. Isn’t it customary at all law schools that students are forbidden from working during their first year? Why wouldn’t Annalise have third-year students working for her? The first-year student with a bachelor’s degree in fashion merchandising from CULA that was a Zeta Lambda Nu sweetheart, president of her sorority, Delta Nu, and last year’s homecoming queen is not going to be providing the quality of assistance that a third-year would. Am I wrong?

Annalise and her husband are both cheating on each other. We find out immediately that she is sleeping with Nate because Mr. Gibbins walks in on Nate feasting on Annalise’s down low parts in her office. Annalise seems like the kind of chick that would slash your tires, baseball bat your windshield and black your eye if you got one text message that you couldn’t explain, yet she is cheating also. In her defense though, Nate could get it.

The only character I care about is Connor. Connor is an unapologetic man-whore who fucks dudes to get what we wants. No shame in her game. Plus he is evil-hot, and I live for that. He should have his own spin-off show called How To Get It In.

I don’t enough about this show to continue though. I had high hopes, then it just got more and more ridiculous. If you are still tolerating it, then good for you. But I am not the one.

THE GRADE: B+ (the pilot); F (every episode since)

 

 

 

#RedBandSociety

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THE CAST

Octavia Spencer plays Nurse Jackson, a sassy mother hen who is presumably not shitting in pies she’s feeding to the kids.

Dave Annable is Dr. Jack McAndrew. Justin Walker is looking good… a little older, but still looking good.

Astro plays Dash. He has cystic fibrosis. We can thank The X-Factor for bringing us someone named “Astro.” When I saw his name on-screen the first time, I immediately thought of the Family Guy episode where a grown and very drunk Elroy Jetson is sitting at a bar demanding, “TAKE ME TO ASTRO’S GRAVE!”

Ciara Bravo is Emma. She is anorexic (so she doesn’t want any “Goodies”), and serving white Zendaya realness.

Griffin Gluck is the comatose narrator of the show, Charlie.

Zoe Levin is out-of-this-world bitchy cheerleader Kara. She has something wrong with her heart.

Rebecca Rittenhouse is ray of sunshine Nurse Dobler.

Charlie Rowe is Leo, who had a promising soccer career on the horizon until cancer took one of his legs.

Nolan Sotillo is the spicy Jordi, who also has cancer and might possibly lose a leg.

Wilson Cruz is sassy gay man-nurse Kenji. I assume he is the counterpoint to Nurse Jackson’s sassiness.

Catalina Sandino Moreno is still full of grace as Jordi’s deadbeat mom, Eva.

Thomas Ian Nicholas brings his current crunchy granola mug as Charlie’s father, Nick.

Griffin Dunne is here, loud and clear, as wealthy patient Ruben Garcia.

THE PREMISE

The story of a group of kids that live in a hospital… a hospital that is supposed to be in Los Angeles, but in one episode, the kids are on the roof and that is clearly Atlanta in the background.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Octavia Spencer.

In the pilot, she is walking into work having just come from her local Starbucks. The name written on her cup is “Scary Bitch.” She screams at a taxi driver that nearly hits here as she crosses the street. She walks into the lobby and gets on the elevator. She is the only person on it, and there is a guy racing to get to the elevator. He calls out to her, “Hold the elevator! I’m late!” To which she responds, “Doesn’t mean I should be too.” and the elevator doors close. Yes, honey! We were living for Ms. Jackson!! But then we watched a few more episodes and…

YOU SHOULDN’T BE WATCHING BECAUSE

Octavia’s sassy Nurse Jackson is being watered down.

Also, the premise is wearing thin. Sick kids are not very interesting to watch on TV. Leo likes Emma. Kara mocks Emma because she doesn’t eat. Emma likes Jordi. Jordi hates his mom. Jordi thought Jack was going to take his leg. Kara wants to go to prom. Kara has power lesbian moms. Leo is jealous of Jordi stealing his thunder. Charlie talks to all the kids when they are under anesthesia (that’s right, there’s a fucking H in anesTHesia). Dash smokes pot all the time. Nurse Jackson is all tough love. Charlie’s father comes in and plays the guitar to him, much to Kara’s dismay. Everything by the way is much to Kara’s dismay. She is a fucking bitch. Does any of that sound exciting or even palatable? It shouldn’t because it isn’t.

I can’t find any solid information on its ratings, so I have no idea how the show is doing. I did see that when taking into account live + same day viewers, the pilot was seen by 9.9 million viewers. That’s not too shabby, I suppose. The World Series has kept it off the air for a minute. I may watch one more, but doubtful. Most likely this will be #onelessshow.

THE GRADE: the pilot: B+; every episode since: C-.