American Horror Story (Weds, 9/8c, FX) is back. Let’s get in.
Let me start by saying that I did not finish Freak Show. Dandy was a very grating, annoying character, and I couldn’t take it. Plus I just lost interest. Coven is still my favorite, followed by Murder House, then Asylum. My dissatisfaction with last season, coupled with the news that Caitlyn Jenner’s face icon, Jessica Lange, was leaving the show pretty much moved AHS to the #onelessshow bin UNTIL I read that an obscure singer was joining the cast. Lady GUH-ga. I feel like that phone call went something like this:
Ryan Murphy’s Assistant: “Please hold for Ryan Murphy!”
Lady Gaga’s Assistant: “Nope.”
Ryan Murphy: “Hello, Stephanie! It’s Ryan. How are you?!”
Lady Gaga: “Call me Gaga.”
Ryan Murphy: “Caitlyn Jenner’s face icon, Jessica Lange, has left my show. Do you want to step in for your monsters?”
Lady Gaga: “What would my character be?”
Ryan Murphy: “A vampire called The Countess. Don’t worry, she’s nothing like the Discountess on Bravo.”
Lady Gaga: “‘Money can’t buy you class! Elegance is learned.’ Gurl, you shady! What would my character do?”
Ryan Murphy: “PUMP LOOKS, HONEY!”
Lady Gaga: “WERRRRRRRRRK!”
In the premiere, she pumps cunt look after cunt look. It is amazing. Her and ol’ Matt Boner (serving bronzed, guyliner deliciousness) roll to a screening at a Hollywood cemetery, and bitch is in elaborate encrusted silver gloves, a huge diamond necklace, and gorgeous red gown/cape combo. It’s stunning. And by the way, Matt Bomer + guyliner + multiple shots of his bare ass = EVERYTHING. But let me back up. This season is called Hotel, and takes place in the Hotel Cortez in Los Angeles. As the premiere opens, these super annoying Swedish girls are arriving in America for vacay and are staying at the hotel. From the outside, it looks run the fuck down. You get inside, and the lobby is an art-deco dream. But these bitches aren’t having it. You know who else isn’t having it? Kathy Bates as the NOT THE ONE front desk clerk Ethel Darling. Hospitality goes out the fucking window with this bitch… she could totally work at the Saks at Polaris. Needless to say, shit goes south for those two hoes.
The majority of Murphy’s AHS crew is in attendance. In addition to Kathy Bates, we have seen Sarah Paulson as Bette Tattler, giving me Jane from Daria as a blond extra from Existenz with her crimped hair (where’s her future purse?!) and Denis O’Hare, who is giving you white Kevin Aviance realness as Liz Taylor. You can expect Evan Peters, Emma Roberts, Angela Bassett, that fucker Dandy (Finn Wittrock), etc to show up. Wes Bentley is also back, this time as a police detective. Schmidt from New Girl, checks in giving you gay hustler drug trash.
Enough about the cast, can we get into what Tobias Funke’s business card really meant by Analrapist? Holy. Shitballs you guys. So Schmidt is in his room at the Cortez slamming heroin. He starts hallucinating, then Rubber Man’s white cousin, Addiction Demon, appears and he is ready to get. it. ON. *YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET A STUNNING* Addiction Demon, flips Schmidt over, pulls his ass out, dons a strap on that looks like a fucking horse dick-sized drill bit and proceeds to get in that ass. It is mesmerizing… mostly because I couldn’t believe this made it to air. It’s not a quick scene either, you get to see it from all kinds of angles. Fast forward to the cemetery screening, Gaga & Boner pick up a hot couple (a sexy ginger and an Asian chick), take them back to the hotel, start getting their groove on and right when it is time for Boner to get on that ginger, it turns into True Blood. “Oh yes, there will be blood.”