Month: January 2017

#TheOA: Are we supposed to care about this chick?

Image result for The OA

Because I don’t.

The OA starts out interestingly enough. A blond chick in some cell phone footage jumps off a bridge then wakes up in a hospital. The nurse is like, hey sweetie, you seem real messy. What’s your name and stuff? Ol’ girl is all, “where am I? How long was I out? Did I flatline? No touching, I’m The OA.” I’m like, excuse me, the what? Strike one.

Her parents, the Borg Queen and Hershel from The Walking Dead, come to collect her from hospital. The social worker/hospital official (it’s unclear who she is) is telling them that she is not responding to the name they provided, she is in a fractured mental state, she has very unusual scarring on her back, she refuses to talk about what happened to her to the police or anyone else, and she keeps trying to get to the computers in the ICU. That seems like a weird detail to include with the others, don’t you think? Anyway, the parents don’t care, they’re just like can we see her or what?! They get to her room, and OA is like, “who are they?” BQ rolls up to her bed, sits down, grabs her hands and lets her feel the opposite of the latest in cheek implants when OA suddenly goes, “Mom!”. The nurse is tells Hershel that she doesn’t understand, so Hershel tells her, “She’s our daughter, Prairie (gross). She’s never seen us before. When she disappeared 7 years ago, she was blind.” At this point, I am thinking, since she has never seen her mom before, she must be have been shocked when she didn’t see this:

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Anyway, against the advice of everyone at hospital, they take Prairie home to their half-finished subdivision where she falls in with a group of neighborhood high school kids (and a teacher). I won’t tell you how that happens, I’ll let you enjoy that plot development on your own. Needless to say, they all start hanging out in an empty house for story time where Prairie is spinning a yarn about a little Russian girl. Wait, before I continue, if you have not seen all 8 episodes then you should stop reading and skip to the last paragraph, because I am going to spoil the shit out of this. So this little Russian girl, Nina, is the daughter of a rich oligarch, who lives in a neighborhood for rich oligarchs. She is on the bus one day heading to school when the bus goes off a bridge and plunges into the river below. She gets out, but before she reaches the surface, she is taken somewhere and meets up with a gross lady who takes her sight and sends her back to this mortal coil. She washes ashore and is sent to live with gross, whorish relatives who are baby factories. An American couple come to assimilate adopt a baby boy and end up taking the young  blind girl instead. They rename her Prairie.

Fast forward a little bit and she runs into Draco Malfoy’s father is very interested in NDE’s (near-death experiences), especially hers. They go to like a diner, and he pulls out some device that looks like it has a pocket pussy on one end but it’s really a fancy stethoscope that allows them to hear heartbeats at a distance. Blah blah, basically, Prairie who knows she is blind, becomes too trusting of this stranger who has mesmerized her with this super-hearing pocket pussy, allows herself to be kidnapped. So everything that happens to her from here, she brought on herself. Stranger danger, bitch, ever heard of it? Strike two.

Malfoy locks her dumbass up in a glass chamber in his basement with 4 other folks: Homer, Scott, Rachel, and eventually Renata. They also have had near-death experiences. There is also a little river than runs through all of their cells that they use for drinking water, and bathing. Occasionally, Malfoy (whose name in this is Dr. Hunter Hap) pumps a mysterious gas into their cells, after which they remember nothing. He eventually trusts Prairie enough to give her field trips upstairs so she can do chores for him! Yay for her! She makes a break for it at one point and almost finds out the hard way that this property sits on a prime strip mine front lot and she almost tumbles in, but in the process he hits in her the back of the head with such force that she regains her sight. We eventually find out what the purpose of the gas is. Turns out, Hap is playing a combination of Flatliners and Cosby games with these folks. The gas makes them obey all his commands and he takes them to another location (Cosby), puts them in a contraption that isolates their heads from the rest of their bodies and he fills that chamber with water and drowns them while recording their deaths (Flatliners). Except he is recording the sound of them dying. The he revives them, and takes them back to their cells and they don’t remember shit (back to Cosby!).

Remember, Prairie is still telling all of this to the a group of people in the empty house. Back to the basement, where Scooby and the gang are trying to figure out “movements” to help themselves escape. Apparently there are 5 movements and they have figured out 4 of them. Prairie and Homer can heal people with two of them. In order to not forget, they are scratching and branding symbols of the movements into their persons (hence the unusual scarring on her back). The local sheriff, who had been to Hap’s shanty before, now has creeped in unbeknownst to Hap while he is watching his prisoners on a monitor (I have skipped over alot) with headphones on. Sheriff has his gun drawn and you are ready for this fool to be fucking busted. His gun touches Hap’s head, and boom, that is the end of episode 7. Great cliffhanger.

Episode 8 begins with Hap trying to weasel his way out by telling the sheriff that he can heal his wife, who is suffering from ALS. They go downstairs, and the hostages think they are about to be freed. Nope. They grab Prairie and Homer, and take them upstairs to a bedroom where sheriff’s wife is laying on a bed. Hap is like, cure this woman, and he and the sheriff leave and are watching from the monitors. Cut back to the bedroom, where Homer and Prairie start this performance art piece that is so jarring and unnecessary that the old woman has this look on her face that seemed to say, “I’ll stick with Lou. Knock off this bullshit.” After an excruciating amount of time, some light starts happening to where you can only see them in silhouette, and she starts moving around and it turns out she has the 5th movement that they have been waiting for. By the way, the 5th movement is supposed to be the thing that Prairie needs to basically leave this plane of existence or go to another dimension, or something to that effect, but whatever it is, it can just take you “like an invisible current.” Turns out the elusive 5th movement came straight out of Janet Jackson’s “Rhythm Nation” video.

While all of this storytelling is going on, the high school kids she is telling this story to are also living their lives when not in the house. I can’t remember the impetus, but one of them goes into her house and starts looking around one night and finds a box of books under her bed. Books on the great Russian oligarchs, near-death experiences, Homer’s The Iliad, and stuff like that which gets the kids to thinking that maybe this bitch is Keyser Soze. They are all at school shortly thereafter at lunch, and someone rolls onto the campus ready to Columbine. OA rushes there, and all of the kids are in the cafeteria when the gunkid gets in there. They are all on the ground looking at each other, and they all know the movements. The teacher rushes to the cafeteria as well and they all decide that they are going to save the day by doing the performance art installation 5 movements. They stand up and start turning it, the gunkid is like THE FUCK? and is ready to mow them down, when someone from the kitchen tackles him right as he pulls the trigger. A stray bullet goes out the window and hits a voyeur square in the chest. It’s Prairie.

Prairie says that OA stands for “original angel”. When she told her mom that, BQ slapped her right across the face. I don’t think Prairie is the original angel. I think she is an emotional grifter with a blindness fetish and penchant for hot-bodied butter-faced gingers, androgynous teens, spicy Applebee’s employees, stoners, cat-ladies, school violence, and martyrdom. Like I said, this show started great, then it quickly took a dive. I also am unnerved by the fact that Prairie’s speaking voice never really goes much above a whisper. She stays pretty much at an even keel the entire show. She sounds like a simpleton on helium microdoses explaining how Jesus is right around the corner getting cigarettes and will be back any minute. I can’t imagine what a season 2 would even be about, unless Prairie moves to another town and does this to another group of kids. But to what end? She’s a fucking monster. Oh, and that “invisible current” that takes you away? It’s called an ambulance.

Grade: F

#Sense8: I don’t h8 it, but it’s not gr8.

Sense8 Poster

Sense8 has been available on Netflix for more than a year. Since everyone is cord-cutting, I thought I would focus on streaming shows. Since House of Cards and Orange is the New Black have been around for years, I thought I would start with this. Let’s start with this, shall we?

Sense8 opens in a dark church, where we discover that Madison Bauer’s life has taken a turn. Long gone are the days of all she could eat fish and shrieking her name and busting out TV screens for kicks. She goes by Angelica now, and she has descended into the hell of drug addiction. Then, Sayid from Lost appears out of nowhere, presumably looking for Locke, Kate, Jack, or Sawyer. Then suddenly, she takes her tired dingy nightie on a world tour. Girl is looking rough, whilst appearing like a vision to a bunch of different people. A bespectacled silver fox appears on the other side of Annelle and he and Sayid really start jerking her around emotionally. You know when a woman gets emotional, she is going to want to eat something. This bitch reached for her piece, then she ate a bullet. Very good Annelle. Spoken like a true smar… later.

This mess is about a group of people who are telepathically linked, and how they cope with it pretty much. They come from all walks of life. The first member of the group we meet is Will Gorski, a hot as fuck cop from Chicago. Then, Riley Blue, a DJ in London whose hair is a fucking mess. Followed by Mexican movie star Lito Rodriguez, who sort of pick and chooses how much he’ll sound like Demian Bichir at any minute. But let me tell you, Lito’s body is TUH-GEH-THUH! So spicy. After Lito, we dip to South Korea to met Sun, a wannabe ballbuster who works for daddy yet is still a victim of that Asian patriarchal society. What can you do? I don’t know. Then we fly over to India and to meet Kala Dandekar, who we immediately find out is about to be married. But before we give two shits about that, we bounce over to Germany to behold Wolfgang, a crazy hot German piece that I know has a huge dick from a movie I saw him in called FreeFall. He plays a low-level thief in this. Whatever, as long as he gets naked (spolier alert, he does), that is all that matters. What doesn’t matter is this next character, in Nairobi, Capheus. He drives a bus based on Jean-Claude Van Damme, and all he wants to do is get HIV medication for his mom. Yawn. Next up, we go to San Francisco to meet Nomi Malone. Her last name isn’t Malone, but she is written just as bad so it might as well be. Nomi is a transgendered lady, with an annoying black girlfriend who has some of the worst lines in this shit show second only to Nomi Malone herself. We’ll get to that in a minute. Actually, I think that was everybody.

As everyone gets used to being in everyone’s head, they begin to pair off, and start using each other strength’s to their advantages. Sun is a bare knuckle street fighter, as is Wolfgang, which comes in handy when Capheus and Lito get in over their heads. Will and Riley start to get the feels for each other. As do Kala and Wolfie. Nomi Malone, when she is isn’t stripping and mispronouncing Versace, used to be a hacker when she was a man. When the powers that be that are trying to stop their little band of misfit toys from becoming Voltron, she decides she needs to do a little spying on them. So she reaches out to some hacker friends from her past. While doing that we find out that when she was a little boy, he was busted hacking into the Pentagon, but because he had rich parents and was a minor, all he got was community service. Um, no honey. That is not how that works. Oh, speaking of his parents, Nomi is hospitalized against her will pretty early on and it plays out in the most stereotypical way you can imagine. Nomi’s mom is there, in her Chanel-esque, probably St. John suits, looking all rich bitch, refusing to call her Nomi, only calling her Michael; the doctor is ignoring everything she says; the nurse saying over and over that “this is for your own good.” It is all so trite.

When Nomi’s hacker friend shows up, he hands her something that looks like an old cable splitter that had been painted white, and she looks at it and goes, “Wow, that’s NSA-grade.” Really, girl? Then they guy says something about having a boner for the equipment, and she goes, “I know what you mean.” Groan. This whole show, especially Nomi’s storyline, feels like a student art film that was written because someone had the new-found freedom to write such material. The transgender storyline is fine, but “I’m not crying because of what she said, I am crying because no one has ever defended me before.” Give me a fucking break. But I get, it is The Wachowski’s exploring their new lives, I get it. And since they created The Matrix, there has to be some sci-fi thrown in there as well. But let me ask you this, have you seen The Matrix in a minute? Guess what? It doesn’t hold up.

The Christmas Special/Season 2 Epsiode 1 is now available on Netflix, and the rest of Season 2 will be available in May. Will I watch the Christmas thing? Yes. Will I watch the rest of Season 2? I answer a cautious yes. I am curious to where they will take the show. I will say this though. If the Wachowskis want to keep my attention, make this an erotic thriller about the telepathic adventures of a Chicago cop, a Mexican movie star, and a German thug and call it Penetr8, and I’ll be on board.

Grade: C-