Month: February 2015

2014 Wrap-up

The-Flash-The-CW-OctoberMarry-Me

The Flash is a pleasant diversion, but not pleasant enough for me to keep watching it. Flash himself, Barry Allen, is played by Grant Gustin. He is real cute. He was the guy from Dalton (Sebastian Smythe) that was trying to steal Blaine away from Curt on Glee. In the best scene, Blaine’s all “I have a boyfriend” and Sebastian fired back “I don’t care if you don’t care” while giving come hither eyes. He’s so cute. But this show is mediocre at best. I am wondering why Tom Cavanaugh is here. He looks fantastic. Ed hasn’t aged a day. Jesse L. Martin, on the other hand, looks bored as fuck. He left all that good Dick Wolf Law & Order money to land on The CW to do what? To play a fucking cop.

John Wesley Shipp, who was Barry Allen on the 1990 series of the same name, shows up at Barry’s dad. Shipp is also looks pretty good. I was in 9th grade in 1990 and my dad I loved Shipp’s Flash. That show was a fun romp. Why Amazon thinks the only season of it should be more than $40 is beyond me.

The Arrow shows up for a hot minute, and what a hot minute it was. Both of the Amell boys? Meow. But Jesse Martin’s daughter on the show is a mystery. I can’t figure out if she is in high school or college. She was writing a dissertation on something, but then basically asked her dad for permission to go to the mall or some shit with Barry. I don’t get it. Pretty quickly we find out that she is fucking her dad’s partner, so I going with she is in high school. Right?!

THE GRADE: C

Marry Me stars Casey Wilson (Penny of Happy Endings fame) and Ken Marino (of anything his friends put him in fame), and I love them. I thought they could do no wrong. Until this. It’s not their fault though, you can only do so much with a script. Anyway, the show started out promising. In the pilot, Casey’s Annie and Ken’s Jake have just returned home to Chicago after a vacation some place beachy. The conversation quickly turns to how Jake missed probably the best opportunity to propose to her. What started as a breezy, just back from vacay conversation, devolved into a fucking tirade on Annie’s part to beat the band. She started going OFF. She was throwing everybody under the bus: Jake, their friends (Dennah, Gil, Kay), she called Jake’s mom a bitch, and then she just went on and on. Oh by the way, she does all this ranting in the kitchen, with her back to Jake the entire time. Meanwhile, Jake is on one knee with the ring ready. All his attempts to get her to shut her fucking mouth were futile, she just kept spewing. When she finally turns around, there’s Jake still in position, then out from random places in their apartment come Dennah, Gil, Myrna (Jake’s mom, a still looking amazing Jo Beth Williams), and Annie’s dads Kevin (Tim Meadows & Dan Bucatinsky). You don’t know right away that Kay is in the apartment too, but I won’t ruin that for you.

Then episode, after episode, it turned into a cloying, sap fest that turned my stomach and rolled my eye. I have since stopped watching the show, but the last episode I watched had Natasha Leggero guest starring as Dennah’s new cop boyfriend’s (Rob Riggle) partner, Laguna Mattata. I am not kidding. Gil, the loveable fat guy, was like “You’re name is Laguna Mattata?!” to which she says something like “yeah, gotta problem with that civilian?!” Gil then says, “No, its cute in a female authority figure with a gun kind of way” and she responds with “You’re cute too, in an adorable human shield kind of way.” That… cracked me up. But the show is garbage. Don’t. Bother.

THE GRADE: D

Stalker starred Nikita (Maggie Q) and Shelby’s husband Jackson (Dylan McDermott) as some kind of cops. I can’t even be bothered to look it up. We watched one episode I think, maybe 2. In an early scene, there is a male assailant coming for this bitch in an M-class Mercedes SUV. I am pretty sure he had been stalking her and it was about to come to its tragic end. That’s all fine. What I can’t get past is this: if someone pours gasoline on the hood/front end of your SUV and ignites it, your fuel tank AT THE REAR OF THE VEHICLE, is not going to explode. Ever. Hers did, so I quit. This shit was cancelled anyway.

THE GRADE: F

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THE CAST

Viola Davis is Annalise Keating, a ball-busting power attorney and law school professor serving serious “That is a wig, bitch” eleganza, who really needs to bring everything down a notch.

Billy Brown is local cop Nate Lahey.

Katie Findlay is Gibbins’ across the hall neighbor Rebecca Sutter. She was Rosie Larsen on The Killing. She gives me Blair Waldorf all day long.

Charlie Weber is Annalise’s investigator Frank Delfino. He’s beardy sexy.

Liza Weil also works for Annalise. She’s Bonnie Winterbottom. She. Is. A. BITCH.

Tom Verica is Annalise’s wandering husband Sam.

THE LAW STUDENTS:

Alfred Enoch is wait-listed Wes Gibbins. Alfred has 16 acting credits. Half of them are the Harry Potter films.

Jack Falahee is Connor Walsh, and he can get it. He’s the man-whore of the group.

Aja Naomi King is Michaela Pratt. Michaela is annoying as all get out.

Matt McGorry is Asher Millstone. You’ll know him better as John Bennett, the cute prison guard on Orange Is the New Black.

Karla Souza is Laurel Castillo. She’s the whore of the group.

THE PREMISE

A “suspense-driven” legal thriller about a group of law students and their mysterious criminal defense professor.

LET’S CUT THE SHIT

This show is beyond ludicrous.

Annalise Keating is another strong black woman from Shondaland, and it shows. Annalise is very testosterone-driven and aggressive. Imagine Olivia Pope after a couple cycles of T. She’s hulkish and needs to dial it back a bit. Don’t get me wrong, I love Viola Davis. I am just questioning some of her acting choices here. I agree with Brandy Howard (The People’s Couch) that Viola should be saving that one-tear snot crying for the movies. That is a $10 million cry.

Annalise’s students assist her with cases she is working on. That’s all fine and dandy, but she does not care that they have other classes they should be attending. In fact, we don’t see them in any other classes, and they always complain about the classes they are allegedly missing. The truth of the matter is, none of them will become lawyers. They will all fail out because they are skipping other classes. What they do for Annalise, and what she demands of them, is basically a full-time job. Isn’t it customary at all law schools that students are forbidden from working during their first year? Why wouldn’t Annalise have third-year students working for her? The first-year student with a bachelor’s degree in fashion merchandising from CULA that was a Zeta Lambda Nu sweetheart, president of her sorority, Delta Nu, and last year’s homecoming queen is not going to be providing the quality of assistance that a third-year would. Am I wrong?

Annalise and her husband are both cheating on each other. We find out immediately that she is sleeping with Nate because Mr. Gibbins walks in on Nate feasting on Annalise’s down low parts in her office. Annalise seems like the kind of chick that would slash your tires, baseball bat your windshield and black your eye if you got one text message that you couldn’t explain, yet she is cheating also. In her defense though, Nate could get it.

The only character I care about is Connor. Connor is an unapologetic man-whore who fucks dudes to get what we wants. No shame in her game. Plus he is evil-hot, and I live for that. He should have his own spin-off show called How To Get It In.

I don’t enough about this show to continue though. I had high hopes, then it just got more and more ridiculous. If you are still tolerating it, then good for you. But I am not the one.

THE GRADE: B+ (the pilot); F (every episode since)