Month: February 2014

Black Sails

Black Sails

THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF JOHNNY DEPP

Toby Stephens was in The Announcement with Tom Hollander who was in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End with Johnny Depp.

Hannah New will be in Maleficent with Liam McKenna who was in The Libertine with Johnny Depp.

Luke Arnold was in Broken Hill with Timothy Hutton who was in Secret Window with Johnny Depp.

Zach McGowan was in Terminator Salvation with Christian Bale who was in Public Enemies with Johnny Depp.

Tom Hopper was in Saxon with Sue Maund who was in Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street with Johnny Depp.

THE PREMISE

A pirate show that takes place 20 years before Treasure Island, while trying real hard to not be Pirates of the Caribbean.

WHAT WORKS

Tom Hopper is really hot. But as far as the show is concerned, I couldn’t tell you. I barely made it through the first episode.

WHAT DOESN’T

The show takes place is 1715… and they use dollars. There were no dollars in 1715.

It feels like Michael Bay (who is a producer of this show) and Jerry Bruckheimer (who produced Pirates) both pitched their ideas to Disney at the same time, Jerry won, so Michael just ripped his shit off and took it to Starz. I am sure there is nothing really wrong with this show… other than it is not compelling. Nothing other than Tom Hopper was interesting to me. I didn’t even wait for Zach McGowan (who has a hot body and a big dick… you saw him serving on Shameless!) to show up before I stopped watching. It’s too bad Spartacus is over because Starz has really been struggling to replace it. Attempt # 1 was DaVinci’s Demons, which is terrible. Black Sails is not much better. I love a good period piece, but this is more like period pussy and I don’t want clown mouth.

THE GRADE: D (only because I am disinterested)

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Rake

Rake

THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF JOEL McHALE

Greg Kinnear was in Ghost Town with Ricky Gervais who was in Spy Kids: All the Time in the World in 4D with Joel McHale.

Necar Zadegan was in Unthinkable with Carrie-Ann Moss who was in Mini’s First Time with Joel McHale.

Tara Summers was in Alfie with Sondra James who was in What’s Your Number? with Joel McHale.

Omar J. Dorsey was in School for Scoundrels with Aziz Ansari who was in What’s Your Number? with Joel McHale.

John Ortiz was in Fast & Furious 6 with Shea Whigham who was in Lords of Dogtown with Joel McHale.

Miranda Otto was in Flight of the Phoenix with Giovanni Ribisi who was in Ted with Joel McHale.

THE PREMISE

Keegan Deane is a defense attorney, and a huge fucking mess.

WHAT WORKS

Keegan’s depravity. This man is a straight up alcoholic, compulsive gambler, and womanizer. Immediately we find out he is in to his bookie for like $60G’s, he hasn’t paid his assistant in weeks, and he crashes at his friend’s place (Ben) who has a wife (Scarlet) and two kids! He is a defense attorney in Los Angeles… don’t they have money?? Oh wait, how can you have any money when you gamble it all away every week, then spend whatever money you have left kickin’ it with a $500/hr prostitute?! That is Keegan Deane. If he could get his shit together, he would be an excellent attorney. But who wants to watch a show about that?

My favorite thing so far is Keegan comes into possession of an enormous bluefin tuna, and his assistant says that she knows a restaurant that would pay like $25,000 for it. Since his bookie’s enforcer keeps coming around looking for money, he needs to sell this fish. But he is working on a case, so he has his assistant dragging this fish, in a giant cooler, all over town. I thought it was funny, because by the end, that shit would have rancid as all get out. So he couldn’t sell it, so he grilled that bitch. Enforcer comes by (mind you, at his buddies house with his family) and has some tuna instead of beating the shit out of Keegan. Doesn’t that sound fun? In one scene, Keegan is talking to an ex-Amish girl (who was living with 3 Amish men on trial for attempted murder) who was pretty hot. Keegan tell her that she should think about modeling, then tells her, “Your parents must have been beavers, because DAMN.” That was fun.

WHAT DOESN’T

If you owed someone $60,000, a piece of fish is not going to stop them from getting in that ass until they get paid. You know what I mean? It’s a tad unrealistic, and they haven’t really reinvented with wheel with Keegan’s character flaws. What has bugged me the most so far is the wife of the friend. She is a prosecutor, and sometimes goes up against Kee in court. That’s fine. But in episode 3 (I think), not only does she let Kee take her kids to school in her car (he gets pulled over, the kids don’t make it to school), she reveals a ludicrous secret that comes right out of left field. Ben & Scarlet decide to renew their vows or some horseshit, and Kee and Scarlet are outside the house talking about it, and suddenly, she can’t go through with it because Keegan used to penetrate her back in the day, and now she wants some more. This from the woman who in the first episode was pissed that Keegan crashed in their kitchen, AND had brought some bar trash back to their house for fucky fucky times in the kid’s bedroom!! He’s lying through his teeth about it while Scarlet watches the ho climbing over the fence out back. That is not someone that you go back to, am I right?

THE GRADE: C+

Looking

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THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF NATHAN LANE

Jonathan Groff was in The Conspirator with Robin Wright who was in I’m Still Here with Nathan Lane.

Frankie J. Alvarez was on Smash with Christian Brole who was on The Good Wife with Nathan Lane.

Murray Bartlett was in Girl Most Likely with Andrea Martin who was in Becoming Fosse with Nathan Lane.

THE PREMISE

The show follows the lives of three gay men living in San Francisco.

WHAT WORKS

Just about everything so far. I like this show alot. I think it is a realistic portrayal of gay life. It’s not glittery and sugary like Will & Grace, nor is it booze and drug fueled like Queer As Folk. But that is not to say that the show isn’t racy. In the episode “Looking for Uncut,” Patrick (giving Jesse St. James realness) picks up a hot Latino at a bar, takes him home and is audibly disappointed to discover that he is not uncut. Scandalous! Or when Agustin loses his art job, and randomly meets a hot blond piece who identifies himself as a sex worker, and decides maybe he can sell some man ass. This week’s episode is called “Looking for $220 an Hour” and I can’t wait. As for Dom, he hasn’t done anything beyond the realm. So far he’s fucked a Grindr twink and caused a scene in a hotel when an old flame comes to town for closure and doesn’t reimburse Dom for the 8 G’s worth of rehab he paid for.

I am totes (yeah, I said it) along for the ride. I like these boys and am looking forward to seeing what they get into. What I am really want is for Patrick to get on his new boss, Kevin (Russell Tovey, who was in The History Boys with Frances De La Tour who was in The Nutcracker in 3D with Nathan Lane). Despite those ears, Kevin is hot. This show isn’t Girls for guys, it’s guys for gurls.

WHAT DOESN’T

The Bunny doesn’t believe that these three would be friends in real life. Patrick is a video-game developer, Agustin is an artist, and Dom is a career server at a restaurant. I think they would, but I can see why he would feel that way. Just based on their jobs, they would all run in completely different circles. Patrick would be out with nerd hipster types at bars like 16-Bit. Agustin would be with art people (no fucking thanks), and Dom would be at the bars every night getting twisted and chasing dick with the service industry crowd.

THE GRADE: A-

Under the Gunn

Under the Gunn

WHO’S IN IT

Wannabe designers that are being mentored by Nick, Anya, & Mondo all under the watchful eye of Tim Gunn.

THE PREMISE

A blatant copy of Project Runway. So much so, that by the second episode the show had been retitled as Project Runway: Under the Gunn.

WHAT WORKS

It’s Project Runway, so it all kinda works. I am rooting for Sam because he is adorable.

WHAT DOESN’T

This show irks me. Lifetime’s newest money grab (have they blown through all of their Liz & Dick money?) has mentors just like NBC’s Fashion Star. The show started with 15 contestants that were whittled down to 12 in the most heinous way. They were split into two groups, with each group creating a look that defines them as a designer. Each mentor gets to select 4 designers to work with. For the choosing of the designers, this shit turned into The Voice and the mentors fought over the contestants. Each mentor blows as much smoke as they can up the ass of the contestants they want to work with, then the contestant chooses their mentor. It’s heinous, especially for Nick Verreos because everyone wants to work with Mondo and Anya… in that order. Nick really ramps up the smoke blowing to try to coerce people onto his team. It’s quite sad. Then Nick takes a turn after their teams are selected. It seems to me like he really wanted to be on Project Runway All-Stars, but was never asked so he settled for this, but he really wants to compete. He pretty much takes over as he “mentors” because he is sketching and pinning and draping and sewing, and Tim Gunn isn’t having it. He snatches Nick up and tells him he needs to cut that shit out, and when the camera cuts to Nick, I swear to you, his eyes are like pinwheels. I don’t know what the fuck is going on. Desperation is not a good look for her.

THE GRADE: D

#RichKids of Beverly Hills

Rich Kids of Beverly Hills

WHO’S IN IT

A group of rich 20-something’s that I thought were going to be huge pieces of shit.

THE PREMISE

A complex riveting dissertation on the current Middle Eastern political climate and the economic ramifications on emerging markets on the Indian subcontinent. Get a grip. It’s about rich kids.

WHAT WORKS

The group of rich 20-somethings I thought were going to be huge pieces of shit.

This show is my guiltiest pleasure right now. Who gives a fuck about a hundred day long summer in Chicago or bloody, sweaty heels? Nobody, Bravo. These kids are what’s up. Let me break it down. First up is Dorothy, who kind of talks like she is chewing her face, but the sooner you get over that, the better. Her dad has $3 billion. Which is a good thing, because ol’ girl loves an Hermes Birkin bag. She has lost count of how many she has… they start at $13,000. To her credit though, she knows they aren’t going to hug her back. Next up, Dorothy’s best friend Morgan. Morgan is my girl. She is gorgeous and batshit crazy (by her own admission). Her obsession is Christian Louboutin shoes. She has more than 250 pairs… average cost: $1500. She calls her mom Susan. Not mom, Susan. Morgan also has a blog called Boobs N Loubs. Morgan’s boyfriend, Brendan (giving Chris Martin realness), is a real estate broker. He sold his first home at 18, and that house was $15 million. He’s about as exciting as cauliflower. There is a gay, Jonny, who is not very cute. He is a producer or something. He drives a Benz and loves drama. He threw a tantrum because Dorothy was having a blood drive to benefit the Red Cross and he refused to participate because gay men can’t donate blood and he felt she wasn’t supporting him. Get off the cross, Mary. I’m not a fan. Lastly, there is Roxy, the Persian princess. Not to be confused with any of the Shahs over on Sunset. This girl can shop like I have never seen before. In the first episode’s montage of spending, she was at an unnamed store and the salesperson tells her the total. It was almost $489,000. She was spending for your nerves, honey! But her parents just cut her off, so I am ready for the spiral.

Imagine you want to go out with your friends, but the club scene is tired. Instead of hitting the bars, you hit a hotel. You hop on the elevator, take it to the penthouse, where a tight guest list of your friends (no bottom feeding “groupers” like Scott Disick) are going OFF on magnums of Cristal and Dom. Glug, glug, glug. Then the bartender working your party hands you the check, and the bill is over $30,000. What would you do? I would shit on myself, then pretend to be unconscious until it went away. If you’re Dorothy, you hand him the Centurion card, drop a $10,000 tip on that bitch and peace the fuck out.

WHAT DOESN’T

There is not enough EJ Johnson!!

EJ is Magic Johnson’s son, and she is pumping LOOKS honey! Chanel bags, Prada sunglasses, luxury moo-moos! EJ isn’t a regular on the show and is currently (I mean while they were shooting this) going to school in NY. Hopefully school lets out soon, because EJ is a hoot and I want to get into the summer looks.

THE GRADE: B+