Get Into It

@CW_CrazyXGF

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) Poster

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (Mon, 8/7c, CW) opens at a summer camp in 2005 where we meet Rebecca, who gets dumped by Josh at the end of camp. Fast forward 10 years, and Rebecca is on the verge of making partner at a law firm. But she freaks out, and goes down to the street to take some prescription meds when she sees Josh across the street. After a brief conversation, Josh tells her that he is moving back to West Covina, CA, so she goes back upstairs and declines her promotion to Junior Partner and moved to CA. The unfortunate part about this, is she tells us that she is moving to CA via song. I hate it when people bust into song. She not only busts into song, it explodes into a full-on production number. Frowny face.

Naturally, after making such an enormous life change, what is the first thing she does? Dumps out all of her medication, which I am sure were the meds keeping a lid on the crazy until now. She takes a job at a West Covina law firm, and immediately arouses the suspicion of the head paralegal, Paula, who I am sure, is going to be the fat, sassy source of comedic relief. The firm’s communications director, who sits in a cube next to fat & sassy, is older and spicy. She hasn’t said much yet, so I am not sure what her function is going to be. The boss, who claims to be 1/8th Chippewa, seems like a complete idiot. He wants Rebecca to represent him in his divorce since “his wife’s Jew” went to CSU – Long Beach, whereas “his Jew” went to Harvard & Yale. So he is not only an idiot, he is also racist. I am sure there is a lot of comedy to be mined there!

She goes to a bar, meets a cute-ish bartender who happens to know Josh, and invites Rebecca to a party that he knows Josh will be at. This puts her in a good mood at work the next day, which the paralegal is all over. She lets Rebecca know that she is not buying her big bag of bullshit, which was kind of funny. Next thing you know, a montage of her getting ready for this party ensues and she busts into song again. Singing “Sexy Getting Ready Song” which actually wasn’t that bad, but still.

Then the pilot turned a corner. Paula figures out why Rebecca is here, and is fully on-board to help her try to get Josh back. They become instant friends, THEN THEY START FUCKING SINGING ANOTHER GOD DAMN SONG. At the end of the number, Paula says, “Do you want to go drive by his house? Oh, this is going to be so much fun!!” Judging by the preview of episodes to come, this show may be so much fun also.

Grade: B-

@Grandfathered

Grandfathered (2015) Poster

Grandfathered (Tues., 8/7c, FOX) is not breaking any new ground here with its flimsy premise.

GHB enthusiast John Stamos plays a restaurant owner/toxic bachelor who finds out that he has a son and a grandchild all at once. The comedy that will ensure pretty much writes itself, so I am sure you can brace yourself for: diaper shenanigans, vomit play, dating mishaps, using the baby to score single-mom pussy, etc. Are you as bored as I am? I’ll get to the The Grinder in a minute. I will say that I watched Grandfathered and The Grinder on the same night (yes, they air on the same night, DVR), and I was actually more amused by Grandfathered. Or maybe I was just tickled with the line where John is correcting one of his servers and says, “It’s pronounced beef ‘carpaccio’ not beef ‘crapaccino’.” What can I say, sometimes I am easily amused! Tune in once at the very least to see how John is aging like a fine wine.

I’ll watch a couple more of these, but I am pretty sure this will fall squarely into the #onelessshow pile. Especially since there was already some serious stunt casting in the pilot as Deion Sanders, Bob Saget, Lil’ Wayne, and Don fucking Rickles all show up. C’mon now, the creators of stunt casting (Will & Grace) didn’t start doing that until 3 or 4 seasons in. This does not bode well.

Grade: C-

 

 

@TheGrinderFOX

The Grinder (Tues, 8:30/7:30c, FOX) joins the other greats like The Closer, The Knick, and TNT’s The Looker as one of the great television… I’m just kidding, this is isn’t like any of those.

Ageless vampire Rob Lowe is Dean Sanderson, an actor who played a lawyer on a long-running TV drama called The Grinder. It ended it’s run and for whatever reason, he moves back home to Idaho to get perspective. Hollywood money, but let’s move home. Sure. Fred Savage is his younger brother, Stewart, who is an actual lawyer. Can you smell the workplace hijinks from where you are? Stewart is married to the Waitress from Sunny, and they have two kids. Their son Ethan is played by Connor Kalopsis, and every time I see his name in the credits, I think it says Connor Koslopis and I chuckle (shout out Handler!).

Dean thinks that, because he played a lawyer on TV, he can be a lawyer in real life. Stewart is not into this, but the town is. Every judge is mesmerized by having “The Grinder” in their courtroom. I am pretty sure that all these judges would be disbarred for allowing this actor to practice law. What imbecile would let potentially their freedom rest in the hands of an actor?! No, no, and no.

I will say that the show does have its moments, and by the way, Fred Savage is as adorable as ever. I know he has been behind the scenes directing for the last several years, but it is great to see Kevin back in front of the camera.

Grade: C+

@AHSFX

American Horror Story (2011) Poster

American Horror Story (Weds, 9/8c, FX) is back. Let’s get in.

Let me start by saying that I did not finish Freak Show. Dandy was a very grating, annoying character, and I couldn’t take it. Plus I just lost interest. Coven is still my favorite, followed by Murder House, then Asylum. My dissatisfaction with last season, coupled with the news that Caitlyn Jenner’s face icon, Jessica Lange, was leaving the show pretty much moved AHS to the #onelessshow bin UNTIL I read that an obscure singer was joining the cast. Lady GUH-GA. I feel like that phone call went something like this:

Ryan Murphy’s Assistant: “Please hold for Ryan Murphy!”

Lady Gaga’s Assistant: “Nope.”

<CLICK>

<RING RING>

Ryan Murphy: “Hello, Stephanie! It’s Ryan. How are you?!”

Lady Gaga: “Call me Gaga.”

Ryan Murphy: “Caitlyn Jenner’s face icon, Jessica Lange, has left my show. Do you want to step in for your monsters?”

Lady Gaga: “What would my character be?”

Ryan Murphy: “A vampire called The Countess. Don’t worry, she’s nothing like the Discountess on Bravo.”

Lady Gaga: “‘Money can’t buy you class! Elegance is learned.’ Gurl, you shady! What would my character do?”

Ryan Murphy: “PUMP LOOKS, HONEY!”

Lady Gaga: “WERRRRRRRRRK!”

In the premiere, she pumps cunt look after cunt look. It is amazing. Her and ol’ Matt Boner (serving bronzed, guyliner deliciousness) roll to a screening at a Hollywood cemetery, and bitch is in elaborate encrusted silver gloves, a huge diamond necklace, and gorgeous red gown/cape combo. It’s stunning. And by the way, Matt Bomer + guyliner + multiple shots of his bare ass = EVERYTHING. But let me back up. This season is called Hotel, and takes place in the Hotel Cortez in Los Angeles. As the premiere opens, these super annoying Swedish girls are arriving in America for vacay and are staying at the hotel. From the outside, it looks run the fuck down. You get inside, and the lobby is an art-deco dream. But these bitches aren’t having it. You know who else isn’t having it? Kathy Bates as the NOT THE ONE front desk clerk Ethel Darling. Hospitality goes out the fucking window with this bitch… she could totally work at the Saks at Polaris. Needless to say, shit goes south for those two hoes.

The majority of Murphy’s AHS crew is in attendance. In addition to Kathy Bates, we have seen Sarah Paulson as Bette Tattler, giving me Jane from Daria as a blond extra from Existenz with her crimped hair (where’s her future purse?!); Denis O’Hare, who is giving you white Kevin Aviance realness as Liz Taylor. You can expect Evan Peters, Emma Roberts, Angela Bassett, that fucker Dandy (Finn Wittrock), etc to show up. Wes Bentley is also back, this time as a police detective. Schmidt from New Girl, checks in giving you gay hustler drug trash.

Enough about the cast, can we get into what Tobias Funke’s business card really meant by Analrapist? Holy. Shitballs you guys. So Schmidt is in his room at the Cortez slamming heroin. He starts hallucinating, then Rubber Man’s white cousin, Addiction Demon, appears and he is ready to get. it. ON. *YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET A STUNNING* Addiction Demon, flips Schmidt over, pulls his ass out, dons a strap on that looks like a fucking horse dick-sized drill bit and proceeds to get in that ass. It is mesmerizing… mostly because I couldn’t believe this made it to air. It’s not a quick scene either, you get to see it from all kinds of angles. Fast forward to the cemetery screening, Gaga & Boner pick up a hot couple (a sexy ginger and an Asian chick), take them back to the hotel, start getting their groove on and right when it is time for Boner to get on that ginger,  it turns into True Blood. “Oh yes, there will be blood.”

Grade: A-.

 

#Benched

Benched

THE CAST

Eliza Coupe, who will always be Jane Kerkovich-Williams to me, plays Nina Whitley, a corporate lawyer turned public defender.

Carter McIntyre is Trent Barber, a defense attorney and Nina’s ex-boyfriend.

Jay Harrington is Nina’s coworker, Phil Quinlan. I really wish he would go back to Veridian Dynamics.

Peter Spruyt is Boring Larry. He’s very that.

Oscar Nunez is Carlos, another public defender.

Jolene Purdy is Micah, and she is basically Nina’s assistant.

Fred Melamed is Judge Don Nelson. He also played Judge Alan Karpman on The Good Wife, and Judge Bertram Hill on Law & Order.

THE PREMISE

Nina’s ex-boyfriend get engaged and she loses her job on the same day, and is forced to work as a public defender.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Eliza Coupe.

She is hilarious as Nina. When the show opens, we’re at Nina’s big fancy corporate firm. She is on the phone with Trent being told that he has a new fiance while an office party is about to get underway to announce the newest partner. As if she wasn’t fragile enough already, she gets passed over and Maureen Ponderosa (Catherine Reitman) makes partner. Nina’s shell-shock quickly turns into outrage and she experiences meltdown. She pretty much busts up the place and burns every bridge. The best part is when she mentions that Trent has gotten engaged, and the camera is on just Maureen who says, “Trent’s engaged! How…” and out of nowhere a huge container of candy comes flying towards her and smashes against the wall. It is hilarious.

Nina is completely inept in the courtroom, yet maintains her feelings of superiority over her coworkers. Just imagine all the workplace hijinks that are going to ensue! I also predict a romantic entanglement between Nina and Phil, and rightfully so. Phil is fine. All in all, it’s a cute show. Get into it!

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

It is not Happy Endings or Better Off Ted.

THE GRADE: B+

#Blackish

Blackish-logo

THE CAST

Anthony Anderson is Andre “Dre” Johnson, advertising executive, husband, and father of 4. Whenever I think about Anthony, one of the first things that springs to mind is the scene in Transformers where he says something like, “Nah, man. Freddie’s got 5 blades! That’s some Wolverine shit!”

Tracee Ellis Ross is Dre’s wife, Rainbow. Yes, I know. She is a doctor who needs to get her hair under control. I don’t know her from anything, so I had to look her up. Turns out she was on Girlfriends, in Hanging Up with Lisa Kudrow , and sadly, played Kristin in Lohan overturned vehicle Labor Pains.

Yara Shahidi plays oldest daughter Zoey. Her first acting credit is an episode of Entourage. I don’t remember her in that. I also do not remember her being in Salt, and I sure as shit never watched a single minute of Alex Cross. I do, however, remember that she was in the pilot of Bad Teacher, and she was also “Young Olivia” on Scandal.

Marcus Scribner plays Andre, Jr. He only has 5 credits to his name, and this is his first series. His first role was on Castle in 2010. He was born in 2000, by the way. What did you do when you were 10?

Miles Brown and Marsai Martin play the youngest Johnson children. They are twins. For whatever reason, it took me several episodes to realize that their names are Jack & Diane.

Laurence Fishburne wanders in and out of scenes like he’s in a fugue state as Pops, Dre’s father. He is serving Furious Styles-in-retirement realness.

THE PREMISE

A man struggles to gain a sense of cultural identity while raising his children in a mostly white, upper-middle class neighborhood.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T BE WATCHING

It’s boring.

The acting is fine, and even the premise is quasi-interesting. A rich black family living in a white neighborhood want to hang on to their “blackness” but still be able to use their “white voice.” I get it. My only question is where are the jokes? IMDb describes the pilot like this: Like any parents, Andre “Dre” and Rainbow Johnson want to give their children the best. But their offspring’s childhood is turning out to be much different from theirs. They now realize at least two things: there is a price to pay for giving their children more than what they ever had, and these loving parents are totally unprepared for the fallout. So basically their kids are spoiled, and they cannot handle the demands of such children? Paging The OC, Gossip Girl, 90210, etc. After the pilot aired, we had a conversation with Anthony Anderson on Twitter about the show, and even though we were not giving it any love, he couldn’t have been nicer. He even wished us well in our search for something more to our liking.

The premise of the second episode doesn’t break any new ground either. Rainbow, thinking that Dre is too much of a prude to do so, has “the talk” with Junior much to Dre’s dismay. Not to be outdone, Dre decides to give Junior his version of the talk and shit goes south real quick. Not because Dre’s talk was a disaster, but because it piques Junior’s interest so he begins to bombard Dre with non-stop sex questions. Those questions are where the new ground is broken, however, it wasn’t really enough to hold my interest. That was until I gorged myself on the next 4 episodes in one sitting.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

The LOL’s have arrived.

The quality of the show increases exponentially in the next four episodes. In “The Nod,” Dre tries to explain to Junior why all black men do “the nod” to each other in public, and why he should use it to expand his social circle. Meanwhile, Rainbow wants Diane to be a doctor when she grows up. Diane is not having it, especially since her mom wears the same thing to work everyday. But then Rainbow takes her to work with her one afternoon and Diane witnesses an emergency trauma patient come in bloody as all hell. Lil’ girl is MESMERIZED by all the blood. Paging Dexter Morgan.

“Crazy Mom” is probably my favorite episode so far. Dre agrees to take on Bow’s mom duties for the week, and the overwhelming praise he receives from everyone at the kid’s school goes to his head. His need to outdo everyone quickly escalates to great comedic effect. It is a great episode.”Crime and Punishment” is a should we or should we not spank our children. It is starts when Jack deliberately hides in a clothing rack at a department store and it sends Bow into a frenzy. Jack, by the way, for lack of a better term, is the idiot child. (Zoey is a typical teenage girl, Junior is the kinda naive overachiever, Diane is NOT THE ONE, and then there’s poor Jack). This episode is fine, but then the show brings back the funny with “The Prank King.” The Johnson family have a tradition of pranking each other on Halloween, but that tradition is in jeopardy when the older children balk at pulling pranks. Dre fears it will ruin his holiday fun, so he kicks it into high gear. Probably my second favorite so far.

It is this very reason why I prefer to give a show that has potential three episodes before I review it. I apologize to Anthony Anderson for our initial snap judgment on Black-ish. It’s turning into a very smart, hilarious comedy. Selfie didn’t get three episodes because that was shite from the beginning and even an act of God would not have made that obtuse piece of flotsam any better.

THE GRADE: B+.

 

 

#BadJudge

Bad Judge

THE CAST

Kate Walsh, having finally escaped her Shondaland shackles, tries her hand at comedy as Van Nuys county judge Rebecca Wright.

Tone Bell, who despite his name was not a member of Toni! Tone! Tony! or Bell Biv Devoe, plays Rebecca’s bailiff, Tedward Mulray. Yes, I said Tedward.

John Ducey is a common fixture in Rebecca’s courtroom, as he is prosecutor (I think!) Tom Barlow.

Miguel Sandoval is Rebecca’s boss who is also a judge.

Ryan Hansen is the oft-testifying expert witness/psychologist/Rebecca’s side-piece Gary Boyd. Even though he is only 33, Dick Casablancas is aging like a fine wine. He is hotter than ever.

Horatio Sanz pops his head in for a hot second, as does Dr. Spaceman, Captain Awesome, and the worst character on Enlisted Sgt. Jill Perez. Only here, she is “Jill Sanchez.” Racism or type-casting? You be the bad judge!

THE PREMISE

A hard-living, slutty sexually unapologetic chick that is a hot mess by night and a criminal court judge by day.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Kate Walsh.

When the pilot opens, this bitch is in her bed, face down ass up in a Kelly layering cami and a pair of sparkle panties. My first thought was “who just turned this trick OUT?!” She needs to get to work. She runs to the bathroom, fills her mouth with mouthwash, then heads for the kitchen. She spits the mouthwash out in a dirty coffee mug on her kitchen table. Classy! She then proceeds to climb into the van equivalent of the “Three Wolves One Moon” t-shirt and heads to work. She takes the bench, everybody rises, she sits and says (in sunglasses mind you), “Everyone have a seat. Please do it quietly. Can someone get me a Gatorade?” Later, she goes to a parent-teacher conference (on behalf of some kid who came through her court, this ho has no children), and rips a serious belch in front of the teacher (Sanz). She immediately apologizes by saying, “I’m sorry. I had wine and cake for breakfast.” YAS!!

Boyd testifies in the first case we see her handle, and she fucks him shortly thereafter in her chambers. Her bailiff, Tedward, is really sassy and is kind of the glue that holds her messy ass together. Of course, her boss, Judge Hernandez, is disapproving of her and constantly either scolding her and reining her in. Expect typical workplace hijinks I guess, involving a woman who is sexually unapologetic.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

I can’t really come up with a good reason as to why you shouldn’t, other than the scenarios the occur here are ludicrous. If she was a real judge, she would be, at the very least, dragged in front of a disciplinary board of some type, and at the most, dis-barred. As a sitting judge, you don’t show up to work in your 3 Wolves van in just a bra and skirt. You certainly don’t grab an ax off of a fire truck, then plunge it into some asshole’s car that is behind you… then proceed to hit on the fireman (Cpt. Awesome) that comes to reclaim their property! Finally, you don’t flip off the paparazzi (they were there because a Spears/Bynes-style celebutard was on trial) while wearing the aforementioned bra/skirt set. Because, when you do, your picture gets splashed across the tabloids along with your new nickname… Muffin-Top Judge.

THE GRADE: C+