Loves It

@Grandfathered

Grandfathered (2015) Poster

Grandfathered (Tues., 8/7c, FOX) is not breaking any new ground here with its flimsy premise.

GHB enthusiast John Stamos plays a restaurant owner/toxic bachelor who finds out that he has a son and a grandchild all at once. The comedy that will ensure pretty much writes itself, so I am sure you can brace yourself for: diaper shenanigans, vomit play, dating mishaps, using the baby to score single-mom pussy, etc. Are you as bored as I am? I’ll get to the The Grinder in a minute. I will say that I watched Grandfathered and The Grinder on the same night (yes, they air on the same night, DVR), and I was actually more amused by Grandfathered. Or maybe I was just tickled with the line where John is correcting one of his servers and says, “It’s pronounced beef ‘carpaccio’ not beef ‘crapaccino’.” What can I say, sometimes I am easily amused! Tune in once at the very least to see how John is aging like a fine wine.

I’ll watch a couple more of these, but I am pretty sure this will fall squarely into the #onelessshow pile. Especially since there was already some serious stunt casting in the pilot as Deion Sanders, Bob Saget, Lil’ Wayne, and Don fucking Rickles all show up. C’mon now, the creators of stunt casting (Will & Grace) didn’t start doing that until 3 or 4 seasons in. This does not bode well.

Grade: C-

 

 

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#AlmostRoyal

Almost Royal

THE CAST

Amy Hoggart is a fucking dream come true.

Ed Gamble gives me blond, Russell Brand realness.

THE PREMISE

Ed & Amy play Georgie & Poppy Carlton, Nth and Nth in line for the British throne, who are on a royal tour of America. Americans are dumb.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

“Texas” is really the only episode you should watch. The other places they visit (LA, NYC, Boston, Detroit, Nashville, DC) are not as amusing as Texas. Poppy has a rapier sharp wit and her delivery is spot on. I could take or leave Georgie, Poppy is the one. When they visit the two hotties working at the taxidermy place, Poppy really shines. I hope my DVR never breaks, because the Texas episode is permanently saved. Poppy has some great one-liners, and I will leave them for you to discover. Just know that cowboys don’t become cowboys because of Toy Story’s 2 & 3. Also, don’t ask a hipster/hippie barista in Brooklyn if she is good enough to work at Starbucks.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

It is kind of Borat in its execution in a very harmless way. And as I mentioned, Texas is the one. The others are throwaways.

THE GRADE: Texas: A-; the rest: C+

 

Project Runway Season Finale

Project Runway

WARNING: If you have not seen the finale, get your shit together because it was 3 days ago.

I love Project Runway. I am always excited to watch it, and I’m in the moment, but the show is a throwaway, because I don’t retain it. Every week I have to ask who had been eliminated the week before. Whoops! Anyway, so, the finale. The 4 designers that made it to the finale were Justin, Dom, Alexandria, and Bradon. Am I the only one that thinks Alexandria should have been sent upstairs to clean up her space weeks ago?! I thought her clothes were terrible every week, yet she was so confident that she had the winning design every time! That’s what I call a dumb bitch. The curve ball thrown at them this time was the Tide Washable Challenge. BORING. Justin used a 3D printer to make some accent pieces, and they all looked like plastic bullshit from Claire’s. Bradon’s collection was fine, but that one blue dress was giving me “figure skater” all day long. Dom did a cool metallic ombre dress that was stunning, but she had a purple get-up that was screaming Kimora Lee Simmons.

Speaking of Dom, for as many times as she was in the Garnier hair salon, why didn’t any of those queens in there snatch that bitch up, tell her that her mop was BUSTED then hook her ass up?!!? Her hair is awful. She is a beautiful girl, but that hair has got to go. You know what else has got to go? Billy B. from L’Oreal. He looks like he is about 5’3″, swollen, has a hatchet face, and cuts his nails with scissors. I feel like every morning, before he applies Smouldering Eyeliner Classic, Butterfly Mascara, Tru Match Foundation, and Visible Lift blush, he eats a baby. But I digress.

I scored their designs as they came down the runway (and averaged them together).

Justin: D+ D+ F C- B A- B+ F F B (1.725)

Dom: B+ B A- B+ C+ B- D B A- A- (2.975)

Alexandria: F D+ B+ B C+ C- C C+ C- D- (1.825)

Bradon: B B- B+ A- C- B+ C+ C+ B- B- (2.775)

I thought Dom and Bradon had the best collections (math doesn’t lie), and Dom had the advantage. Guess the fuck what? Dom did win! I’d never predicted the winner this way, and was thrilled to have been correct. We’ll see if it holds up for the Project Runway: All-Stars finale. A-.

Scandal

scandal-abc

OK. Let’s talk about Scandal. Initially I resisted the show, but not for any particular reason. Everyone who knows us knows that we watch a shitload of television. A quick check of the Series Manager on our DVR lists 66 shows. The premise of the show was not that interesting to me, and at that time I think we were trying to cut down on shows. When the water cooler talk had become deafening, and after Entertainment Weekly did a cover story about, I decided to take a peek.  Season 2 was in the middle of airing when we jumped onto to Netflix and streamed Season 1. We sped through those 7 episodes, then got a week long free trial of Hulu Plus and watched the 16 episodes that had aired and finished the remainder of Season 2 on DVR. Scandal is a guilty pleasure, however…

I have issues with this show.

First, you can tell that this is a show created and written by a black woman for a black woman. Gladiator in a suit?! I know you don’t think a white bitch made that shit up. There is a lot of blacting. A lot. All courtesy of Kerry Washington and Columbus Short. Columbus lays it on thick, especially with that “gladiator in a suit” bullshit. Kerry only has few tools in her bag of tricks, and they have worn out their fucking welcome. She wants to be looked at. Whenever Huck goes off the rails (which is often), she always grabs him with both hands, does a half-cry/half crazy eyes face and says, “Huck, look at me.” Olivia, your face doesn’t calm nerves, it frays them. Whenever she is alone with the President, all she can say is, “Don’t do this”, “We can’t do this”, and “Stop.” Olivia is a cock tease and if I were Fitz I would have told that bitch to kick rocks years ago.

Speaking of the President, can she please stop fucking saying it? “I am not having an affair with THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.” “He’s THE PRESIDENT.” “You are THE PRESIDENT.” Bitch, he knows that. But not to be outdone, everyone around and including the President has a fondness for calling him “The Leader of the Free World.” “I’m the leader of the free world and I can’t get a cheeseburger?” “Sir, you are the leader of the free world, you can’t be having an affair.” It goes on and fucking on.

What’s with all the shots being filmed through beveled glass? I don’t need double vision. It adds nothing to the show whatsoever. What it does is disorient me when I watch the show wasted. Fun it is not.

Why does it sound like paparazzi cameras during scene transitions and fades in and out of commercial? That would make more sense for Dirt than this.

Scandal has moved quickly through almost every storyline except for one, Quinn. Why did they drag on the “who is she really?” for so damn long? She wasn’t even that interesting to begin with. The only Quinn I care about looks like her guardian angel didn’t stop her from destroying that… item.

The gay couple are caricatures. They are completely unbelievable. Cyrus, THE PRESIDENT’S Chief of Staff, is as abrasive as he is grotesque. His journalist husband, James (Dan Bucatinsky, who just won a Guest Actor in a Drama Series Emmy last month), is a fucking push-over. Cyrus jerks him around and emotionally manipulates him like there is no tomorrow. Manipulation is a scalpel, not a club. Yet Cyrus wields like a kid who’s just found his dad’s gun. Besides, James is way too hot for Cyrus. They would never be a couple in real life. James is an aging twink, and Cyrus is a troll.

I’m not all piss and vinegar when it comes to Scandal. There are some things in the plus column. Let’s start with Abby, the ginger-ess that works for Olivia. I am living for her. Season 1 was all about her attitude and smart ass remarks. Season 2 she was all about getting serviced by David Rosen. Now, in Season 3, it seems someone sent her to the L’Oreal Paris make-up room and the Garnier hair salon, because her new hair and makeup situation is on point.

Can we get into the First Lady for the moment? Until now, she has always been Ellen Darling to me. I didn’t care for Mellie at first, but then she brought out that inner cunt, and she is SERVING it. I love a good bitch, and she is delivering like Domino’s. She will stop at nothing to keep Fitz in the White House and it is very entertaining to watch. If they would just restyle her slightly, she would be everything.

Speaking of everything, in episode 2, Olivia is carrying a fierce ass black Prada bag (from 2005). I would try to shove my laptop into it just so I could carry it. “Is that a woman’s purse you’re carrying?” No, it’s Prada. B-

Olivia-Pope-carries-Prada-Fall-2005-bag

UPDATE: I neglected to mention this season’s new phrase of hyperbole, that I am sure will be said in every episode:  “The Most Infamous Woman in the World.” Puh-lease.