Month: May 2014

TV News

In preparation for the upfronts in NYC that start this week, the networks have been busy making room for the all the new bullshit they bought during pilot season. Here’s what’s been going on.

NBC

The Peacock renewed Hannibal and About a Boy, and cancelled Community, Revolution, Growing Up Fisher, Believe, and Crisis.

 

ABC Logo

Cancelled Trophy Wife and Mixology (NO!!!), and renewed all of this horse shit: Revenge, Grey’s Anatomy, Scandal, Once Upon A Time, The Goldbergs, Castle, The Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Nashville, and Resurrection.

 

Eye - Lord of the Rings

The bloodletting really got underway this morning at the #1 network in Mordor. Intelligence, Hostages, The Crazy Ones, Friends With Better Lives, and Bad Teacher were cancelled. But your parents will be thrilled to know they will get a 7th season of The Mentalist. How is that shit still on?

 

TBSlogo

IS IT?

Over on basic cable, all you winos will be glad to know that Cougar Town was renewed for a sixth and final season.

#BadTeacher

bad teacher

THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: CAMERON DIAZ

Ari Graynor was in What’s Your Number? with Robert Masiello, who was in Knight and Day with Cameron Diaz.

Sara Gilbert was in Poison Ivy with Drew Barrymore, who was in Charlie’s Angels with Cameron Diaz.

Kristin Davis was in The Shaggy Dog with Philip Pavel, who was in The Sweetest Thing with Cameron Diaz.

David Alan Grier was in The Player with Gina Gershon, who was in Slackers with Cameron Diaz.

Ryan Hansen was in Last Call with Tom Arnold, who was in Welcome to Hollywood with Cameron Diaz.

THE PREMISE

Same as the film… bitch gets dumped, gets nothing and tries digging for gold as a teacher at a public school.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Ari Graynor.

Ari was the blond girl in Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist who got wasted and came to when she heard the boys talking about going “balls deep.” Fast forward to her roaming the Port Authority and telling the ticketing agent, “They said they were going to go balls deep! Does that sound like fun? Not always!” She also started a sex line in For A Good Time, Call…” She was great in both of those, and she is just as stellar in this. She claims she has never seen the film, so as not to color her performance.  Graynor plays Meredith, a recent divorcee who married for money and left with nothing. She moves in with her friend Brie, who immediately send Meredith to pick up her step-daughter Lily from school. Not sure how she got the school since she has no car, but when she does, she finds Lily (thanks to a photo in hand) and has this exchange:

Meredith: “Hi! Your step-mom sent me to get you.”

Lily: “That’s what child molesters say.”

Meredith: “Don’t flatter yourself.”

I was fucking in at this point. Carl (Grier) is the principal of Richard Nixon High School. He is mentally unstable having just gone through a divorce himself. He is clearly taking it hard since he was bamboozled into hiring a gold digger to teach children. Charlotte York is Ginny (subbing as Lucy Punch’s character)… the stickler who is sure that Meredith is a fraud. She’s fine. Joel (Hansen) is the Jason Segal character… the coach that went to high school with Meredith. If Party Down has as big a dick as HIMYM, then he is hotter than ever. Despite all of Meredith’s gold digging, she always ends up doing right by the kids. It is heartwarming in that way, as she tends to admit her faults yet still tries to empower the misfit girls she is dealing with. At the same time, if Elizabeth Halsey actually showed up at this school, Meredith would read her for filth and I would enjoy every minute of it.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

Sara Gilbert.

I don’t know what has happened to her. Is Linda Perry trying to drain the last bits of youth from her or what? My guess is she is fulfilling the role of that fat mousey bitch from the film, although she is not fat. But what she is is ghoulish. Darlene looks like a troll that lives under a bridge who will eat your fucking baby the moment you look away. Her hair is a rat’s nest. Wardrobe is horrendous. Her character is so desperate to be accepted and liked that I can’t even stand it. If those are her real teeth, then she needs to hit a dentist. She is serving borderline Billy-Bob teeth realness, and quite frankly it is hard to watch. I feel like Rosanne & Dan Connor would have cut her off long ago (remember they won the lottery in the last season).

Hopefully, Darlene’s terrible characterization will not lead to the show’s demise. It premiered to 7.87 million viewers (2.1 rating/6 share). The following week it dipped slightly to 6.52 million viewers (1.5 rating/4 share). We’ll see I guess.

THE GRADE: B+

#FWBL

fwbl

THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: DEIDRE HALL

James Van Der Beek was on Law & Order: Criminal Intent with Billy Wirth, who was on Wiseguys with Deidre Hall.

Majandra Delfino was on Help Me Help You with Steve Bannos, who was on Days of Our Lives with Deidre Hall.

Zoe Lister Jones was on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit with Rhea Perlman, who was on NBC 75th Anniversary Special with Deidre Hall.

Brooklyn Decker was on The League with Alina Foley, who was on Days of Our Lives with Deidre Hall.

Kevin Connolly was on ER with Noah Wyle, who was on NBC 75th Anniversary Special with Deidre Hall.

Rick Donald was on Home and Away with David Jones-Roberts, who was on Days of Our Lives with Deidre Hall.

THE PREMISE

The show follows two couples (one married with kids, the other recently engaged), a guy divorcing, and a single woman who are all friends.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Zoe Lister Jones.

Will (Van Der Beek) and Bobby (Connolly) are both doctors. Bobby is married to Andi (Delfino) who is pregnant with child #2. Will’s wife just left him, apparently took everything, so he is living with Bobby & Andi. Jules (Decker) and Lowell (Donald) have just gotten engaged. Lowell is an Aussie who is giving the poor man’s Curtis Stone realness. Jules is one of those women that becomes the man she is dating. She takes on their lifestyles, habits, food preferences, etc. as her own. In one episode, they all get pizza but Jules & Lowell have some soy bullshit pizza. When Lowell goes to get plates or some shit, Jules leans over to Bobby and says “Let me smell your meat.” That is not the same as “Let Me Smell Yo’ Dick” as she was referring to his pepperoni pizza. Was it funny? No. Everyone has a pretty much cheerful disposition, except for the Andi who is going through the typical sitcom pregnancy issues. She can smell everything! She wants to eat weird shit! She wants to be penetrated until Bobby can’t ejaculate anymore! They are not breaking new ground here.

However, the spinster of the group is where its at. Her name is Kate (Lister). Kate is serving Whitney Cummings realness… except she’s pretty. Lister was even on an episode of Whitney! She is the dark cloud to all of their sunshine. EW slammed the show because they felt that Lister’s tone was so disparate from the rest of the cast that she sticks out like a sore thumb and ruins the dynamic. I completely disagree. Van Der Beek and Donald are eye candy only as far as I am concerned. Bobby and Andi could fucking disappear for all I care. They are useless. Kate rains on every parade, and not in a Debbie Downer kind of way but in an awesome bitch kind of way. If you haven’t noticed, I love bitches. So naturally I think that Kate should have a talk show, that airs right after Pam (yes, Pam from True Blood needs a talk show and everyone wants the post-Pam time slot). Kate is deadpan, and bitchy and I am living for her. “So I said to my assistant, ‘If you’re going to have a c-section, have it on the weekend.'”

I am sorry, but I have to digress for a moment. While writing this review, a commercial came on for those Magnum chocolate ice cream bars. First of all, that is a horrible name for ice cream. Magnum? Am I the only one that thinks that it is frozen semen wrapped in chocolate? What bothers me the most is the fact that Rachel Bilson is the face of this mess. Why is Summer Roberts hawking ice cream? Has she blown through all of her Jumper money? Furthermore, why in the fuck did Karl Lagerfeld shoot the print campaign for this? Karl hates fat people, so why would he be involved with an ice cream campaign? Plus Summer doesn’t like look the type of girl who would hop out of her car and run to the truck in the middle of traffic to have an ice cream. The DirecTV marionette girlfriend with the lemonade is more believable.

Ok, back on track. Kate is the shit, so get the fuck into it.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

As I said before, Bobby and Andi are useless. The problem is Will is living with them, so most of the show takes place in their house. They really have nothing to offer. I liked E on Entourage, until that show became so fucking boring that I quit it years before it ended. Unfortunately, E brought that boredom with him.

THE GRADE: B

#Mixology

mixology

THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: MATTHEW FOX

Craig Frank was on Weeds with Marcus Toji, who was on Party of Five with Matthew Fox.

Ginger Gonzaga was on Legit with DJ Qualls, who was on Lost with Matthew Fox.

Blake Lee was on Parks & Recreation with Jim O’Heir, who was on Party of Five with Matthew Fox.

Kate Simses was on Wedding Band with Harold Perrineau, who was on Lost with Matthew Fox.

Vanessa Lengies was on Ratz with Dolores Drake, who was on Party of Five with Matthew Fox.

Adam Campbell was on Touch with Said Taghmaoui, who was on Lost with Matthew Fox.

Alexis Carra was on Bones with TJ Thyne, who was on Party of Five with Matthew Fox.

Adan Canto was on The Following with Maggie Grace, who was on Lost with Matthew Fox.

Andrew Santino was on The Office with Josh Groban, who was on The 32nd Annual American Music Awards with Matthew Fox.

Frances Shaw was on CSI: NY with Eddie Cahill, who was on Haunted with Matthew Fox.

THE PREMISE

It takes place on one night in a bar where 10 singles are getting sloppy and looking for love.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Maya.

Let’s break down the singles, shall we?

First up is Cal (Frank). Cal’s name might as well be Token as far as I am concerned. He’s cute enough, but Jesus he is boring. He really brings nothing to the table, so we’ll move on. Cal is at the bar with two of his buddies, Tom & Bruce. Tom (Lee) is a boy-next door type who is giving Colin-Hanks-meets-a-lamppost realness. He is a romantic in a very naive, aw shucks kind of way. Bruce (Santino), on the other hand, is a pussy hound who just wants to get it in. I also think I am detecting a slight personality disorder from him. But he’s fun. Up next is Kacey (Lengies), who is a cocktail server at the bar. You’ll know this girl the moment you see her. She uttered one of the most immortal lines in cinema history… from Stick It: “It’s not called ‘gym-nice-tics.'” Yes, that bitch. Kacey is from the same small fictitious town in Ohio as Cal. She’s a box of fucking rocks. Her and Cal try to get something going (which is unprofessional girl because she is at work), but she can’t stop fucking on the bartender, Dominic.

Take one look at Dominic (Canto), and you’ll be on board. You’d let him put it anywhere. He was Paul (of Paul & Jacob) on The Following, and they were a hot ass couple. The fact that Paul was killed (and that bitch Emma is still alive) is why I quit that show. Dominic is a typical hot bartender. The bridge-and-tunnel cougars are all sniffing around him, the guys are asking him for dating advice, etc. Speaking of bridge-and-tunnel, that brings me to Jessica (Carra) and Fab (Shaw). Jessica is a hot single mom from NJ, in the city to get laid. If she wants that to happen, she needs to straighten her fucking hair. She has a date which goes awry (Kacey: “I hate it when they puke in your stuff.”),and she bumps into Fab. Jess and Fab went to high school together, Fab left, reinvented herself, then returned. Fab is not her name. Fab is a bitch. An in-your-face kind of bitch, who is living for herself.

Ron (Campbell) is the British guy who is like a tech-millionaire who lost it all for whatever reason (don’t remember). He was in Date Movie with Alyson Hannigan (who was in Buffy the Vampire Slayer with Steven M. Porter, who was in Party of Five with Matthew Fox). Ron actually had a date with Jessica, but he threw up in her purse (which she is still carrying several episodes later). But then sparks fly between Ron and Liv (Simses). Liv is a basket case. She is engaged to a piece of steamed broccoli (Jim) that she is apparently marrying because she had nothing better to do. She has one of those baby voices like Macy Gray, so naturally I am waiting for her to start finger banging her own mouth. She is really pretty and also very naive, but she just wants to find love. Most importantly about Liv is that she comes to the bar with Maya.

Maya (Gonzaga) is my girl. First of all, she is a fucking stunner. So beautiful. She is also a bitch, a super fun bitch. She is an attorney and works with Liv. She is cynical. She has a connection with Tom. Their best interaction so far is when Tom’s ex, Laura (Sarah Wright was on Men at Work with James Lesure, who was on Lost with Matthew Fox) turns up at the bar with her new boyfriend. Cal and Bruce start to lose their minds, and try to figure out a way to get Tom out of the bar without running into her. Cal and Bruce are going on and on about how the first post-break up run-in with an ex is so traumatic and how great she looks and how Tom can’t win. Then Maya blurts out, “Please! Chicks are all smoke and mirrors. That’s probably not even her real boyfriend. Look, that’s definitely not her real hair. Trust me, Tom, with a little bit of work we can ruin this chick, and it’ll be great.” My reaction to that would have been, “Make it so.” Tom had no reaction, but Cal & Bruce were on board. Bruce said that before the three of them decide what Tom is going to do, they need to do some recon. Maya takes Tom back to a table and says, “I’m going to teach you how to completely destroy your ex. Ok, first you need to start with a backhanded compliment like, ‘Oh, I’m so glad your eating again.'” YES, bitch! Yes! I want to go out with her and ruin chicks I don’t know! Wouldn’t you?

Mixology was pitched as Lost in a bar. Everyone in the bar seems young, so there aren’t any polar bears. If Sauron’s favorite channel didn’t already have Michael Emerson wrapped up in Person of Interest, I would love to see Benjamin Linus roll into this bar and really jerk some people around.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

It is a very real possibility that this will be cancelled. Mixology premiered in February to 5.2 million viewers, 1.8 share, and a 5 rating. Last week’s episode had 3.6 million viewers, 1.3 share and a 4 rating. Not good. If it does get cancelled, these 13 episodes will be a fun diversion on a rainy day when they come to either Blu-ray, Netflix, or Hulu.

THE GRADE: B+

#Resurrection / #Believe

Resurrection_2013_logobelieve-nbc-tv-show-600x330

WHY I CAN’T BE BOTHERED

Neither show had a very interesting premise. Resurrection is manipulative, and Believe feels like pandering. One is dead people coming back to life out of nowhere, and the other is Jean Grey: The Formative Years. Do either sound interesting? No. If you want dead people to come back, and be interesting, you bury them in Pet Semetary. Who doesn’t want Gage to slice their Achilles tendon with an Exacto knife? Jean Grey is the weakest X-Men character (second only to Storm as played by Halle Berry), so who wants to watch her Wonder Years? Not this bitch.

Resurrection stars Ruth Dewitt Bukater (yes, mother of Rose Dewitt Bukater), Juliet Darling (or Anna Stern depending on your preference), Red Forman, and per The Chew, screen “legend” Omar Epps. That’s a joke, right? Believe stars Special Agent Dale Cooper (aka Trey McDougal, aka Orson Hodge), Ed “Braz” Brazzleton (aka Latimer King, aka Det. Roland Castlebach), and that Asian bitch from The Real World: Seattle. How fucking weird is all of that?

Are you as bored as I am with these two? Thank goodness.

THE GRADES: F.