FINISH HER!

#Gotham

4GothamCity-610x343

THE CAST

Ben McKenzie is Gotham Police Detective James Gordon, who sounds alot like Ryan Atwood doing his best Christian Bale impression.

Donal Logue is Jim’s partner, Harvey Bullock, and he needs to turn it down a notch.

David Mazouz is young Bruce Wayne.

Sean Pertwee is the Wayne’s butler, Alfred. Forget about the Alfred’s you know (Michael Gough, Michael Caine). This guy is a dick.

Robin Lord Taylor is freak show Oswald Cobblepot.

Erin Richards is Jim’s girlfriend Barbara Keane. She has nothing to offer other than her vagina… to other women.

Camren Bicondova is Selina Kyle (who will ransack her own place at the mere mention of new Gotham Lady perfume), and she is serving Emily Rosshirt realness!

Cory Michael Smith is Edward Nygma, and it seems he will not be bringing Jim Carrey-style buffoonery to the role.

Jada Pinkett Smith plays (created just for this) nightclub owner/gangstress Fish Mooney. As Linda James would say, she has really “grown into her features.”

THE PREMISE

Gotham is the story of Commissioner Gordon’s rise to power in the years before Batman comes on the scene. Fox seems to think that we care about a Gotham City with no Batman. What’s next? The story of Lois Lane getting her journalism degree on Metropolis?

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Jada Pinkett Smith.

For two reasons. One, to see what she has done to her face, and two, to see her occasional zingers and other outrageous behavior. In one episode, she is auditioning women to become her secret weapon, and she narrows it down to two. At night, she takes them down to the docks (or some shady dock-like area) and tells them that she likes them both but can’t decide. She starts to walk away, when the chick on the left figures it out and asks Fish, “You want us to fight for it?!” Fish grins, turns around, and just shrugs as if to say, “I don’t care” or “If you say so.” Then left-side chick lunges at the other and the next thing you know, she is slamming the other girl’s head repeatedly against the ground. She stands up bloody mouthed, wipes some away and says, “When do I start?” YAS!

But then fast forward to left-side chick sitting at the bar at Fish’s place lamenting about how bored she is. She just wants some excitement, so Fish slaps her across the face and says something like, “Was that exciting?” Fish is probably going to end up being the villain to reckon with on Gotham. But…

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

Gotham needs work. Alot of it.

The acting on the show is fine. The writing, however, is not. It is atrocious. Bullock seems to be a kind of dirty cop. He is lazy as fuck and would rather be drinking than doing his job (wouldn’t you?). Gordon gives in to bouts of deep Christian Bale-style growling. I know at some point, he is going to yell at Bullock about how he just shit in the cop car. Alfred, the Wayne’s beloved butler, is the opposite of that here. He is an asshole. He treats Bruce like that kid isn’t his boss. He yells and rants. The kid just lost his parents! And now has more money than he knows what to do with! Cut him slack and find him a cave to play in.

There is also a timeline issue. Bruce Wayne’s parents have just been murdered, making him very young. Selina Kyle is a street urchin, but also around the same age… somewhere between 9 & 12. But Edward Nygma and Oswald Cobblepot (who is giving me Stefon’s older brother about 4 years into a meth addiction) are both grown-ass men. By the time Batman hits the scene, they’ll both be card-carrying members of AARP. How is that going to work out? I get that this can’t be like Muppet Babies with all the Batman villains existing as children too. I mean, seeing Joker as a kid could be fun, and it certainly couldn’t hurt the show. But you know when they finally cast the Joker, they’re going straight to Bethenny Frankel.

THE GRADE: C-

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#Scorpion

Scorpion_(TV_Series)

THE CAST

There are only 3 people in the cast that I have seen in something else. Robert Patrick (Alcide’s dad, T-1000), Eddie Kaye Thomas (the guy who fucked Stifler’s mom), and Katherine McPhee (American Idol, Smash). As for the rest of the cast, apparently “nothing” cancelled.

THE PREMISE

A group of geniuses is assembled to thwart the threat of the week.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Don’t. Even. Fucking. Bother.

AND HERE’S WHY

Scorpion should be a brand of toilet paper, because all I want to do is wipe my ass with this show.

Before I rip this shit to pieces, I’ll give you some background. So, back in the day (I mean, the ’90’s), a little kid wanted space shuttle blueprints to decorate his bedroom wall, so he hacked into NASA to get them. The FBI frowns on that kind of shit, so they over-converged on his house with multiple vehicles and 3 Blackhawk helicopters and snatched his little ass up. He was forced to help the government with something, and they used his genius for not what they said they were going to do, so he presumably threw a tantrum (based on his ideology of course) and deuced out. Fast-forward to now. Walter (Elyes Gabel) is an eccentric genius with issues.

Eventually he reunites with his previous government handler, Homeland Security Agent Cabe Gallo (Patrick, who needs to put down the issue of People he is reading, and slowly back out of his plastic surgeon’s office) and a bunch of “I don’t wanna, you betrayed me” type conversations ensue. Oh, and let me just say this. First of all, the dialogue is terrible. But something was said a couple times in the first seven minutes of the pilot that was giving me Gladiator-in-a-suit-style night terrors. The phrase reeking havoc on my psyche is “a million miles from normal.” They’re all geniuses and weird, and a million miles from normal. My eyes just rolled right out of my fucking head.

I keep referring to geniuses but have only mentioned the one. So, you already know circumstances require the assembly of a team, and Walker is the HGIC. Toby Curtis (Thomas) is an expert behaviorist who can read anyone. He is also a gambling addict. Happy Quinn (Jadyn Wong) is a mechanical expert. She is also Asian, which is fine, but when she speaks, a very unexpected accent comes out. I can’t place it, and I hate it. Sylvester Dodd (Ari Stidham) is a human calculator… and a big fat pussy. More on that in a minute. In the pilot, they all have to deal with a system outage at LAX but they are dealing with it from a diner in like Long Beach or Burbank. There is a waitress at the diner, Paige (McPhee), who has a genius son who doesn’t speak but sets up elaborate chess moves using salt & pepper shakers. Because she isn’t an awkward, socially inept genius (BURN!), she “translates” everyday shit for the nerds and they help her understand her brilliant son (who, of course, is a million miles from normal). Are your eyes still in your head?

Here is the type of shit you have to endure in the first three episodes. Remember the issue at LAX? To finally resolve that issue, they have to take a laptop to the tarmac, plug into a Cat5 cable (because Wi-Fi won’t cut it) that is dangling from an actively landing (but can’t actually land) 747 and upload something before the plane hits the ground. They achieve this with a Ferrari. The laws of physics go out the fucking window, and apparently that runway was 5,000 miles long. In the second episode, the daughter of the Governor of CA has been “bio-hacked” with a designer virus specific to her DNA and it’s poised to finish her ass. The investigation leads them to a pharmaceutical company’s research facility. Chubbs Sylvester is selected as the only one who can go in there and retrieve whatever files they need to save the daughter and other victims. Chubbs is scared of germs and things, so he has no interest in potentially being near deadly viruses right? But he goes in, gets to the file room. Now security is on the way, and their approach is blocking his egress from the file room. But, there is one other way out! You guessed it… through the BioHazard lab! Please show me any place where the FILE ROOM is directly adjacent to the fucking BIOHAZARD LAB. You know there isn’t a decontamination airlock between the two. Unprofessional girl.

Everything about this show is terrible. If you are enjoying this show, or any of the two scenarios I just described above, then I don’t know how you got this far in LIFE. This shit is GARBAGE. This is also allegedly based on a true story, and if so, I want to meet all of the people involved. They can’t be enjoying this betrayal portrayal. OH, I almost forgot to mention what sent me over the edge! The last straw came in the third episode. I don’t remember what the fuck was going on, but the team needed a piece of hardware that wasn’t immediately available. They find it overseas (where all the crucial shit is), and someone informs the group that “it is being overnighted from Berlin” to which Paige’s simple diner ass has the gall to ask, “Can we get it sooner?” THE SHIT IS BEING OVERNIGHTED FROM BERLIN. Bye, Felicia.

THE GRADE: F.

#selfieABC

selfie

THE CAST

Karen Gillan, an actress I don’t know from a hole in the ground, sometimes looks like she is trying to serve Christina Hendricks realness while sounding like a foreigner doing an American accent with a dick in her mouth.

John Cho, who has clearly blown through all his Star Trek money, probably should have signed on for Harold & Kumar 4 rather than this.

David Harewood shows us all how it’s done career-wise by transitioning from a sharply written and acted breakout hit on premium cable (Homeland) to poorly conceived and hideously executed flop sweat on the #whatever broadcast network.

Natasha Henstridge making a bold career choice that’s right up there with her previous roles in top-notch fare like She Spies, Species I-III, Homeboys in Outer Space, and Chilly Dogs.

Da’Vine Joy Randolph, who plays a character named Charmonique. So you know what her role is in this.

THE PREMISE

20-something nightmare Eliza Dooley is embarrassed by a viral video of herself, so she enlists the help of the top marketing person at work to help rehabilitate her image.

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US?

This is the worst piece of shit show that I have seen in recent memory. It premiered this week on ABC, but I actually watched it last week using the Watch ABC app on my iPad. I was so traumatized by what I saw, that I retreated to a safe place and screamed for an adult. It has no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

Eliza is vapid, self-centered, and everything you would expect her to be. Henry (Cho) is stern, doesn’t get her generation, yakkety schmakkety. They both work at Kinder Kare Pharmaceuticals (so cute in its irony!). Henry is the marketing whiz that was able to rebrand some drug they make that causes… Wait. You know what? I can’t with this show. It is so fucking terrible, I can’t even continue. I queued the episode up on my iPad so I could figure out what the drug caused. After sitting through 7 advertisements, I became enraged. Fuck this show, and if you like it, fuck you too.

THE GRADE: F

 

 

 

#TheStrain

The Strain

THE CAST

Corey Stoll definitely looks better bald (House of Cards), but I still would.

Mia Maestro is a name that I feel like I should know, but I don’t. Even though I have seen four of her movies.

Sean Astin serving Samwise Gamgee realness.

David Bradley doesn’t have a cat, but he is NOT THE ONE as a pawn shop owner/dude that knows what the fuck is going on.

THE PREMISE

FX says “A thriller that tells the story of Dr. Ephraim Goodweather, the head of the Center for Disease Control Canary Team in New York City. He and his team are called upon to investigate a mysterious viral outbreak with hallmarks of an ancient and evil strain of vampirism. As the strain spreads, Eph, his team, and an assembly of everyday New Yorkers, wage war for the fate of humanity itself. ”

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Guillermo del Toro is behind this, so I was on board from the get go.

This show is gruesome in the most awesome way. Other than that, I don’t really have much to say. I am watching to see where the show is going. It kind of has a vibe that makes me feel like at some point, Victor from Underworld is going to show up.

I’VE CHANGED MY MIND

The previous section was written on Aug 2, after having watched only an episode or two. It is now Sep 30 (sorry for the long hiatus, I have a day job bro), and the season is nearly over. That being said, The Strain is ludicrous in almost every way. It is gruesome, which did start out cool, but devolved into a silly plot device so that Guillermo could gorge himself on second-tier television special effects. The vampires on this show fire a giant sucker appendage out of their mouths (that kind of unfurls like the opening of a nasty flower) to suck blood from people. They are full of disgusting worms that actually carry the “virus”. They are Walking Dead slow when they walk, and can’t seem to aim their people sucker very well. Like it’s spring-loaded and the can’t control its trajectory. Fucking dumb. They put Peter Russo in one of John Travolta’s old lace fronts and it looks terrible. Mr. Filch looks older than ever, but like Russell Crowe’s son, he’s not the one. He carries a serious sword, he survived the Holocaust, and he knows one of the vampire higher-ups.

The HVIC is called The Master, not to be confused with the Scientology movie of the same name. The Master is BUSTED. I can’t wait to see his episode of Botched, because someone fucked his shit all up. The master gives me the lovechild of The Viceroy from Star Trek: Nemesis and Jocelyn Wildenstein. Sounds hot right? Nope. You kill The Master, you kill them all. At this point in the show, they think they know where The Master is. I could care less at this point, but I will finish the show. A second season seems impossible to sustain story-wise, and I don’t remember if FX hit the renewal button on this and I can’t be bothered to look it up.

When some crazy shit like that is going down, why do people always think they can save their loved ones? You can’t. In fact, once you turn into one of these creatures, the first thing you do is go after your loved ones. ‘They kill the ones they love most first.” If you didn’t roll your eyes after that, then there’s no helping you.

The Strain could have been so much better.

THE GRADE: C-

#LadiesofLondon

Ladies of London

THESE HOS

Caroline Stanbury is the richest one, and she looks like a monster. Have you ever seen Krull? She looks like the Beast.

Annabelle Nielson was the muse of Alexander McQueen. She is bringing narcoleptic Emily Mortimer realness to the table.

Juliet Angus, much to my chagrin, is not an heiress to a beef fortune. She’s an American and kinda reminds me of Meg Tilly (remember her?!). She has partied with Lohan, so you know she is a fan of Lohan powder.

Noelle Reno, also an American, is at the nadir of her gold digging game and looks like a broke down Lindsay Bluth.

Marissa Hermer, also from the US, gives me Amber Tamblyn all day long.

Caprice is also from America, but has lived in London for 20 years or some shit. She is known by just her first name ( in a very Jordan kind of way).

THE PREMISE

A reality show that follows some American and British bitches navigating the British social scene.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Bravo’s mind control is strong. You can easily get sucked into a marathon of this, because watching these British bitches look down their noses and the American girls is super entertaining. It is all done so politely. It’s great. You’ll be on the edge of your seat waiting to see when Caprice’s face is going to collapse, if Annabelle is going to be thrown off a horse, and how wide Caroline can open her mouth when she unhinges her jaw to eat an assistant.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

You won’t give two shits about any of these people.

THE GRADE: any day of the week: D; hungover on a Sunday: B