Christian Bale

#Gotham

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THE CAST

Ben McKenzie is Gotham Police Detective James Gordon, who sounds alot like Ryan Atwood doing his best Christian Bale impression.

Donal Logue is Jim’s partner, Harvey Bullock, and he needs to turn it down a notch.

David Mazouz is young Bruce Wayne.

Sean Pertwee is the Wayne’s butler, Alfred. Forget about the Alfred’s you know (Michael Gough, Michael Caine). This guy is a dick.

Robin Lord Taylor is freak show Oswald Cobblepot.

Erin Richards is Jim’s girlfriend Barbara Keane. She has nothing to offer other than her vagina… to other women.

Camren Bicondova is Selina Kyle (who will ransack her own place at the mere mention of new Gotham Lady perfume), and she is serving Emily Rosshirt realness!

Cory Michael Smith is Edward Nygma, and it seems he will not be bringing Jim Carrey-style buffoonery to the role.

Jada Pinkett Smith plays (created just for this) nightclub owner/gangstress Fish Mooney. As Linda James would say, she has really “grown into her features.”

THE PREMISE

Gotham is the story of Commissioner Gordon’s rise to power in the years before Batman comes on the scene. Fox seems to think that we care about a Gotham City with no Batman. What’s next? The story of Lois Lane getting her journalism degree on Metropolis?

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Jada Pinkett Smith.

For two reasons. One, to see what she has done to her face, and two, to see her occasional zingers and other outrageous behavior. In one episode, she is auditioning women to become her secret weapon, and she narrows it down to two. At night, she takes them down to the docks (or some shady dock-like area) and tells them that she likes them both but can’t decide. She starts to walk away, when the chick on the left figures it out and asks Fish, “You want us to fight for it?!” Fish grins, turns around, and just shrugs as if to say, “I don’t care” or “If you say so.” Then left-side chick lunges at the other and the next thing you know, she is slamming the other girl’s head repeatedly against the ground. She stands up bloody mouthed, wipes some away and says, “When do I start?” YAS!

But then fast forward to left-side chick sitting at the bar at Fish’s place lamenting about how bored she is. She just wants some excitement, so Fish slaps her across the face and says something like, “Was that exciting?” Fish is probably going to end up being the villain to reckon with on Gotham. But…

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

Gotham needs work. Alot of it.

The acting on the show is fine. The writing, however, is not. It is atrocious. Bullock seems to be a kind of dirty cop. He is lazy as fuck and would rather be drinking than doing his job (wouldn’t you?). Gordon gives in to bouts of deep Christian Bale-style growling. I know at some point, he is going to yell at Bullock about how he just shit in the cop car. Alfred, the Wayne’s beloved butler, is the opposite of that here. He is an asshole. He treats Bruce like that kid isn’t his boss. He yells and rants. The kid just lost his parents! And now has more money than he knows what to do with! Cut him slack and find him a cave to play in.

There is also a timeline issue. Bruce Wayne’s parents have just been murdered, making him very young. Selina Kyle is a street urchin, but also around the same age… somewhere between 9 & 12. But Edward Nygma and Oswald Cobblepot (who is giving me Stefon’s older brother about 4 years into a meth addiction) are both grown-ass men. By the time Batman hits the scene, they’ll both be card-carrying members of AARP. How is that going to work out? I get that this can’t be like Muppet Babies with all the Batman villains existing as children too. I mean, seeing Joker as a kid could be fun, and it certainly couldn’t hurt the show. But you know when they finally cast the Joker, they’re going straight to Bethenny Frankel.

THE GRADE: C-

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Black Sails

Black Sails

THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF JOHNNY DEPP

Toby Stephens was in The Announcement with Tom Hollander who was in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End with Johnny Depp.

Hannah New will be in Maleficent with Liam McKenna who was in The Libertine with Johnny Depp.

Luke Arnold was in Broken Hill with Timothy Hutton who was in Secret Window with Johnny Depp.

Zach McGowan was in Terminator Salvation with Christian Bale who was in Public Enemies with Johnny Depp.

Tom Hopper was in Saxon with Sue Maund who was in Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street with Johnny Depp.

THE PREMISE

A pirate show that takes place 20 years before Treasure Island, while trying real hard to not be Pirates of the Caribbean.

WHAT WORKS

Tom Hopper is really hot. But as far as the show is concerned, I couldn’t tell you. I barely made it through the first episode.

WHAT DOESN’T

The show takes place is 1715… and they use dollars. There were no dollars in 1715.

It feels like Michael Bay (who is a producer of this show) and Jerry Bruckheimer (who produced Pirates) both pitched their ideas to Disney at the same time, Jerry won, so Michael just ripped his shit off and took it to Starz. I am sure there is nothing really wrong with this show… other than it is not compelling. Nothing other than Tom Hopper was interesting to me. I didn’t even wait for Zach McGowan (who has a hot body and a big dick… you saw him serving on Shameless!) to show up before I stopped watching. It’s too bad Spartacus is over because Starz has really been struggling to replace it. Attempt # 1 was DaVinci’s Demons, which is terrible. Black Sails is not much better. I love a good period piece, but this is more like period pussy and I don’t want clown mouth.

THE GRADE: D (only because I am disinterested)