Really?

#RedBandSociety

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THE CAST

Octavia Spencer plays Nurse Jackson, a sassy mother hen who is presumably not shitting in pies she’s feeding to the kids.

Dave Annable is Dr. Jack McAndrew. Justin Walker is looking good… a little older, but still looking good.

Astro plays Dash. He has cystic fibrosis. We can thank The X-Factor for bringing us someone named “Astro.” When I saw his name on-screen the first time, I immediately thought of the Family Guy episode where a grown and very drunk Elroy Jetson is sitting at a bar demanding, “TAKE ME TO ASTRO’S GRAVE!”

Ciara Bravo is Emma. She is anorexic (so she doesn’t want any “Goodies”), and serving white Zendaya realness.

Griffin Gluck is the comatose narrator of the show, Charlie.

Zoe Levin is out-of-this-world bitchy cheerleader Kara. She has something wrong with her heart.

Rebecca Rittenhouse is ray of sunshine Nurse Dobler.

Charlie Rowe is Leo, who had a promising soccer career on the horizon until cancer took one of his legs.

Nolan Sotillo is the spicy Jordi, who also has cancer and might possibly lose a leg.

Wilson Cruz is sassy gay man-nurse Kenji. I assume he is the counterpoint to Nurse Jackson’s sassiness.

Catalina Sandino Moreno is still full of grace as Jordi’s deadbeat mom, Eva.

Thomas Ian Nicholas brings his current crunchy granola mug as Charlie’s father, Nick.

Griffin Dunne is here, loud and clear, as wealthy patient Ruben Garcia.

THE PREMISE

The story of a group of kids that live in a hospital… a hospital that is supposed to be in Los Angeles, but in one episode, the kids are on the roof and that is clearly Atlanta in the background.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Octavia Spencer.

In the pilot, she is walking into work having just come from her local Starbucks. The name written on her cup is “Scary Bitch.” She screams at a taxi driver that nearly hits here as she crosses the street. She walks into the lobby and gets on the elevator. She is the only person on it, and there is a guy racing to get to the elevator. He calls out to her, “Hold the elevator! I’m late!” To which she responds, “Doesn’t mean I should be too.” and the elevator doors close. Yes, honey! We were living for Ms. Jackson!! But then we watched a few more episodes and…

YOU SHOULDN’T BE WATCHING BECAUSE

Octavia’s sassy Nurse Jackson is being watered down.

Also, the premise is wearing thin. Sick kids are not very interesting to watch on TV. Leo likes Emma. Kara mocks Emma because she doesn’t eat. Emma likes Jordi. Jordi hates his mom. Jordi thought Jack was going to take his leg. Kara wants to go to prom. Kara has power lesbian moms. Leo is jealous of Jordi stealing his thunder. Charlie talks to all the kids when they are under anesthesia (that’s right, there’s a fucking H in anesTHesia). Dash smokes pot all the time. Nurse Jackson is all tough love. Charlie’s father comes in and plays the guitar to him, much to Kara’s dismay. Everything by the way is much to Kara’s dismay. She is a fucking bitch. Does any of that sound exciting or even palatable? It shouldn’t because it isn’t.

I can’t find any solid information on its ratings, so I have no idea how the show is doing. I did see that when taking into account live + same day viewers, the pilot was seen by 9.9 million viewers. That’s not too shabby, I suppose. The World Series has kept it off the air for a minute. I may watch one more, but doubtful. Most likely this will be #onelessshow.

THE GRADE: the pilot: B+; every episode since: C-.

 

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#Scorpion

Scorpion_(TV_Series)

THE CAST

There are only 3 people in the cast that I have seen in something else. Robert Patrick (Alcide’s dad, T-1000), Eddie Kaye Thomas (the guy who fucked Stifler’s mom), and Katherine McPhee (American Idol, Smash). As for the rest of the cast, apparently “nothing” cancelled.

THE PREMISE

A group of geniuses is assembled to thwart the threat of the week.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Don’t. Even. Fucking. Bother.

AND HERE’S WHY

Scorpion should be a brand of toilet paper, because all I want to do is wipe my ass with this show.

Before I rip this shit to pieces, I’ll give you some background. So, back in the day (I mean, the ’90’s), a little kid wanted space shuttle blueprints to decorate his bedroom wall, so he hacked into NASA to get them. The FBI frowns on that kind of shit, so they over-converged on his house with multiple vehicles and 3 Blackhawk helicopters and snatched his little ass up. He was forced to help the government with something, and they used his genius for not what they said they were going to do, so he presumably threw a tantrum (based on his ideology of course) and deuced out. Fast-forward to now. Walter (Elyes Gabel) is an eccentric genius with issues.

Eventually he reunites with his previous government handler, Homeland Security Agent Cabe Gallo (Patrick, who needs to put down the issue of People he is reading, and slowly back out of his plastic surgeon’s office) and a bunch of “I don’t wanna, you betrayed me” type conversations ensue. Oh, and let me just say this. First of all, the dialogue is terrible. But something was said a couple times in the first seven minutes of the pilot that was giving me Gladiator-in-a-suit-style night terrors. The phrase reeking havoc on my psyche is “a million miles from normal.” They’re all geniuses and weird, and a million miles from normal. My eyes just rolled right out of my fucking head.

I keep referring to geniuses but have only mentioned the one. So, you already know circumstances require the assembly of a team, and Walker is the HGIC. Toby Curtis (Thomas) is an expert behaviorist who can read anyone. He is also a gambling addict. Happy Quinn (Jadyn Wong) is a mechanical expert. She is also Asian, which is fine, but when she speaks, a very unexpected accent comes out. I can’t place it, and I hate it. Sylvester Dodd (Ari Stidham) is a human calculator… and a big fat pussy. More on that in a minute. In the pilot, they all have to deal with a system outage at LAX but they are dealing with it from a diner in like Long Beach or Burbank. There is a waitress at the diner, Paige (McPhee), who has a genius son who doesn’t speak but sets up elaborate chess moves using salt & pepper shakers. Because she isn’t an awkward, socially inept genius (BURN!), she “translates” everyday shit for the nerds and they help her understand her brilliant son (who, of course, is a million miles from normal). Are your eyes still in your head?

Here is the type of shit you have to endure in the first three episodes. Remember the issue at LAX? To finally resolve that issue, they have to take a laptop to the tarmac, plug into a Cat5 cable (because Wi-Fi won’t cut it) that is dangling from an actively landing (but can’t actually land) 747 and upload something before the plane hits the ground. They achieve this with a Ferrari. The laws of physics go out the fucking window, and apparently that runway was 5,000 miles long. In the second episode, the daughter of the Governor of CA has been “bio-hacked” with a designer virus specific to her DNA and it’s poised to finish her ass. The investigation leads them to a pharmaceutical company’s research facility. Chubbs Sylvester is selected as the only one who can go in there and retrieve whatever files they need to save the daughter and other victims. Chubbs is scared of germs and things, so he has no interest in potentially being near deadly viruses right? But he goes in, gets to the file room. Now security is on the way, and their approach is blocking his egress from the file room. But, there is one other way out! You guessed it… through the BioHazard lab! Please show me any place where the FILE ROOM is directly adjacent to the fucking BIOHAZARD LAB. You know there isn’t a decontamination airlock between the two. Unprofessional girl.

Everything about this show is terrible. If you are enjoying this show, or any of the two scenarios I just described above, then I don’t know how you got this far in LIFE. This shit is GARBAGE. This is also allegedly based on a true story, and if so, I want to meet all of the people involved. They can’t be enjoying this betrayal portrayal. OH, I almost forgot to mention what sent me over the edge! The last straw came in the third episode. I don’t remember what the fuck was going on, but the team needed a piece of hardware that wasn’t immediately available. They find it overseas (where all the crucial shit is), and someone informs the group that “it is being overnighted from Berlin” to which Paige’s simple diner ass has the gall to ask, “Can we get it sooner?” THE SHIT IS BEING OVERNIGHTED FROM BERLIN. Bye, Felicia.

THE GRADE: F.

#MysteriesofLaura

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THE CAST

Debra Messing is playing Stacey, Grace, and Laura. Ol’ girl has no range, but I love her. Plus every time I see her, I think of the story she told on Ellen about seeing Barbra Streisand in concert. “DEBRA??! DEBRA MESSING ARE YOU HERE????”

Josh Lucas is here inexplicably. Are Stealth 2, Sweet Home Alabama 2, and Poseidon 2 not happening?

Max Jenkins I do not recall seeing in anything. Turns out he has 11 credits, one of which is (sassy gay I am sure) Receptionist on 30 Rock.

Laz Alonso has 55 credits. I couldn’t name one, but I’d guess one of the Fast and Furious movies.

Enrico Colantoni, fresh off his turn as Gianni Versace in the Lifetime masterpiece House of Versace, plays the Captain.

THE PREMISE

A lady cop juggles her job and her two hellions.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Because it’s watchable.

Grace is pretending to be Laura Diamond, who despite her name is not a stripper. She is a NYC homicide detective with two rambunctious twin boys, and an ex-husband (Lucas) who won’t sign the divorce papers. The ex-husband is also a cop, and very quickly becomes Laura’s boss. Laura is a fucking slob. Her Volvo wagon is full of trash. Her kids are hellions, but they bring a few LOLs. At one point, Grace is standing in a room on the phone wearing a bra and some Spanx, and one son says, “Mommy, are you Batman or Superman?” Trust, it’s funny. In the second episode, a little Asian kid tells her what the fuck is up. She is in a park eating a pretzel, she drops it, picks it back up and continues to eat it. The little Asian kid yells “GROSS!” and she’s all, “5 second rule.” That is fucking gross.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

Because it’s just watchable.

If Grace had ever pulled a gun on Will (or Karen), wouldn’t you have just rolled your eyes and changed the channel? Exactly. In the pilot, Laura is chasing some suspect, and she pulls her gun and shoots the guy. First of all, she is pointing the gun at the same angle as Audrina’s eyes when she’s looking at the ceiling. She isn’t hitting shit at that angle. Secondly, why is it cop shows always have the one cop that can get away with all kinds of shit? Do you think that Melissa McCarthy’s character in The Heat would be able to keep her job considering the way she treats her damn boss? Hell no. Laura is one of those. But like I said, the shit is surprisingly watchable. I may not finish the whole season, but I am watching. While I watch, I will be daydreaming about a new vehicle for Megan Mullally. How about a talk show called Karen?! It can come on right after Pam.

THE GRADE: C+

 

 

#WelcomeToSweden

Welcome to Sweden

THE CAST

Greg Poehler is serving Greg Kinnear realness! It is uncanny. Sometimes he makes a “Poehler face”, but then it’s right back to Kinnears-ville.

Josephine Bornebusch looks like the love child of Heather Graham and Elisabeth Shue.

Lena Olin plays Josephine’s mother, and when she first came on-screen I thought, “God, she looks like the shell of Lena Olin!” Turns out it is Lena Olin. She didn’t even know!

Claes Mansson plays the father. I don’t know who he is, and I don’t care to find out.

Christopher Wagelin plays the schlubby brother, and I am guessing he is Sweden’s equivalent of Tyler Labine.

THE PREMISE

NYC accountant Bruce (Poehler) moves to Sweden for a woman.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

You shouldn’t be, because this shit is terrible.

WHY ITS SO TERRIBLE

There are no jokes.

It isn’t funny.

It is 50% subtitled. Subtitles are fine (Run Lola Run), but not for an American sitcom. Do you really think the middle of the country is going to tolerate having to read the comedy? The answer is no. To me, Greg Poehler, came out of nepotism nowhere. He ropes his sister into the show, and she is mildly amusing playing herself as one of Bruce’s clients who can’t even be bothered to look away from her phone as he tells her he is moving to Sweden. By the end, she says, “Good luck in Norway” and walks out. That is the only bit of funny. Even the appearance of Will Ferrell didn’t bring the LOLs. The “fish out of water” premise will wear thin very quickly. Who wants to watch someone acclimate to a new city/country under the guise of comedy? I sure as fuck don’t. People move everyday. There shouldn’t be a TV about the aftermath of a move. I have moved 10 times in the last 12 years, all in the same city. Do you want to me watch me unpack boxes and get so drunk I can’t stand? Wait, that could be interesting. Especially when I had to deal with AT&T customer service at 4am. Perhaps not. But just in case, patent pending.

But as far as Welcome to Sweden goes, I would wipe my ass with this show if I could.

THE GRADE: F.

#SiliconValleyHBO

Silicon Valley

THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: ASHTON KUTCHER

Thomas Middleditch was on Mash Up with John Stamos, who was on Two and a Half Men with Ashton Kutcher.

T.J. Miller was on Dragons: Riders of the Berk with Stephen Root, who was on Two and a Half Men with Ashton Kutcher.

Kumail Nanjiani is on Franklin & Bash with Breckin Meyer, who was on Robot Chicken with Ashton Kutcher.

Zach Woods was in Damsels in Distress with Aubrey Plaza, who was on A Night of 140 Tweets: A Celebrity Tweet-a-Thon for Haiti with Ashton Kutcher.

THE PREMISE

Silicon Valley tech nerds try to code their way to millions.

WHY I CAN’T BE BOTHERED

This show is not funny at all. If you’re into awkward energy, uncomfortable exchanges, poop jokes, and marijuana, then this is the show for you.

The pilot opens with Kid Rock performing in the backyard of a fancy glass house. At the end of his song, he yells “Make some noise!!” The only things making any noise are crickets. None of these Silicon Valley-types (or the ladies digging for their gold ) give a shit about Kid Rock. The host of the party, a man of most likely Indian descent, gets on stage and screams this the microphone: “HELLO! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAH! I’ve got seven words for you. I. Love. Goolybib’s. Integrated. Multi-platform. Functionality. YEAH!!!!!” Is this a party you would stay at? I didn’t think so.

THE GRADE: F.

 

#Cosmos

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THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: MIKE TYSON

Neil deGrasse Tyson was on Good Morning Today with Fred Willard, who was on D.C. Follies with Mike Tyson

THE PREMISE

Science is cool.

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH

If you watch The Science Channel or Nat Geo, hungover on a Sunday, for hours on end then you know most of this already. If not, tune in.

WHY I’M NOT WATCHING IT

I have watched The Science Channel AND Nat Geo for hours at a stretch. I know this shit already.

Cosmos is as informative as it is ludicrous. Seth MacFarlane is a producer of this (which shocked the shit out of me). Why? Has he blown through all his Ted money? He must still be trying to live out his childhood Star Wars fantasies, because when Tyson first takes off in his “Ship of the Imagination,” I thought, “Boba Fett is gonna be pissed!” Then we get a different angle, and the ship is a chrome sliver of a thing that looks like the love child of Queen Amidala’s personal shuttle and a cyclops. The ship seems like a very expensive and unnecessary effect. And I don’t know whose imagination this ship sprang from, but they are about as imaginative as a piece of toast. The ship of my imagination would have warp capabilities, be heavily armed, and generally be badass like Admiral Janeway’s shuttle in the finale of Star Trek: Voyager. This ship just wills itself through space, into various atmospheres, and to all kinds of ocean depths with no change in configuration. Tyson is in a furniture-less room, alone, with a panoramic window. Speaking of Voyager, I still maintain that the first hour of Cosmos is just an in-depth look at Voyager’s opening credits. I know I am focusing too much on the “technology” in the show. Build a bridge. Don’t sci-fi me with some shit, then make it completely absurd. The cosmic radiation alone would have killed Tyson before he ever reached Mars. Guess they didn’t want to show a dead body touring the solar system… right, George Clooney?

THE GRADE: B-