AHS has returned, and I couldn’t be happier. Those who “couldn’t make it through” the first season need to get their shit together (you know who you are). The first season was stellar. The second season took a left, but Jessica Lange’s performance was outstanding. Her sing-song episode was a dream. Bitch turned it. But let’s get into Coven.

Kathy Bates showed up for this, bathing in blood as if she was cleansing away Harry’s Law. That’s all well and good. She mentioned something about her waddle, and I immediately thought of Richard Fish, then felt bad that he was probably cheating on Whipper. Then, Kathy rolls upstairs to her zoo of black men. Somewhere in Savannah, Paula Deen whispered, “I want that, y’all,” But then Misery threw a minotaur’s head on dude, which was giving me Marianne realness from True Blood. But no one’s eyes went black as they started fucking the closest person to them, so I guess crisis averted.

So Jessica Lange, turning it cunt yet again, is “Supreme” witch bitch Fiona running Robichaux’s Academy for Girls in N’Awlins. Is it just me, or this the Belfort Mansion from The Real World? When PPD was in New Orleans years ago for a wedding, she told me she passed by that house and said it was dilapidated. Anyway, Fiona is competing against Mags Bennett for Mother of the Year, because she is horrible to her daughter (played by #1 lez Sarah Paulson, looking stunning). There is a squadron of young witches at the academy. Emma Roberts (playing the same entitled bitch she plays in everything, *cough* NO RANGE!), Taissa Farmiga (who was in season 1, and looks odd in the face since I saw her in The Bling Ring) who is milquetoast, the girl from every season that has more than just a touch of Down’s, and Precious. Precious is bigger than ever, and she plays a human voodoo doll. So, she does the opposite of secret cutting, yet those around her suffer. Does that seem fair? Ask Mo’Nique.

This season promises to be great. Fiona will be chewing scenery like none other. My favorite scene in the premiere has Fiona visiting a doctor who is going drug research on her dime. He is regaling her the the success of R&D on some youth-enhancing drug and he says, “We should be ready for human trials in 2 years time.” To which she responds, “No, this afternoon. Preferably in the next half hour, I’ve got a dinner engagement.” This bitch better werk. That is FIERCE. She eventually did some blow and killed that guy. Can you imagine?! Being coked up WITH SUPER POWERS?! I would be in heaven, but.

Emma Roberts gets raped, works her powers, turns it for a second, then flips a bus full of frat dick. Good for her. We get to see what Taissa can do, and that turns out to be fucking Ebola into people because she starts to turn a fool out and he starts bleeding out of every orifice. Good for her. I am looking forward to coming episodes… if only for a frozen in time Angela Bassett looking for a BMW to burn some trash in. If the season goes to shit, I will let you know, but in the meantime, I am living. A-.

OH MY GOD! I almost forgot to comment on Ruth Fisher in this piece. What exactly is wrong with her? I am saying that Halle Berry’s Catwoman is to blame. Ruth had normal stereoscopic vision all through Six Feet Under, but then when she had to utter the line, “You’re a cat woman,” she became a wall-eyed monster. Where did her crazy eye come from? And why is she giving Vivienne Westwood realness?