WHO HAS DIED AND GONE TO HEAVEN??!!
Me.
Get Into It
About A Boy
THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: HUGH GRANT
David Walton was in Break Point with J.K. Simmons, who was in The Reluctant Professor with Hugh Grant.
Minnie Driver was in Phantom of the Opera with Paul Brooke, who was in The Lair of the White Worm with Hugh Grant.
Benjamin Stockham was in Quarantine with Bernard White, who was in American Dreamz with Hugh Grant.
Al Madrigal was in Lies & Illusions with Christian Slater, who was in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves with Alan Rickman, who was in Sense & Sensibility with Hugh Grant.
Annie Mumolo was in Bewitched with Heather Burns, who was in Two Weeks Notice with Hugh Grant.
THE PREMISE
Based on the movie of the same name, the show centers on the relationship between a single bachelor and the single-mom and her 11-year old son living next door.
WHAT WORKS
The chemistry between Will (Walton) and Marcus (Stockham). Their relationship had to be believeable and relatable, otherwise this show would just be called Sandusky’s Place. Do you know what I’m saying?
We first meet Will trying to get on Leslie Bibb (who was Confessions of a Shopaholic with Ashley Klein, who was in Did You Hear About the Morgans? with Hugh Grant) after meeting her on the street trying to get her cello (yeah, right) out of her car. Will was on the trolley with his BFF (Madrigal, giving Josh Flagg realness), and he jumps off when sees Bibb. Will greets her by saying, “Cello” instead of “Hello” which is GROSS. Then she throws herself at him after he spoonfed her a bowl of bullshit (about having a son named Jonah who went to Africa to cure his leukemia) in a group meeting for single parents (I think?!). She gets a phone call in the middle of sexy time, and bounces. He runs out in an open button-down and tighty-whiteys. Meow. Meanwhile, Fiona (Driver) and Marcus are moving in. At first sight, Marcus is giving serious androg-o-fem and I wasn’t on board. Fast-forward to Marcus being introduced to Bibb as Jonah. While Will is hugging “Jonah”, Marcus whispers in his ear, “I own you.” Completely on board.
The show is really cute, not in a manipulative way, and I am loving it so far. It kinda want to watch the movie again to compare. Will is so adorable, Marcus is awesome, and it keeps getting better. Lil’ Jon showed up in episode 2! YEAH!! I did have one complaint (besides “Cello”)…
WHAT DOESN’T
Minnie Driver needs to bring it down a notch.
Her performance in the pilot is almost too shrill to be believed. My guess is someone at the network agreed, but she gets better each week. Don’t get me wrong, I love Minnie Driver. I wish The Riches was still on. Actually, I take that back. There is no way those gypsy grifters would still be getting away with being the Riches 6 years later. They would be out of storylines and it probably would have turned into Moonraker or some shit. Besides, if it were still on, Cael wouldn’t be over on Shameless being America’s Next Top Bottom for Ian!
THE GRADE: A-
Looking
THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF NATHAN LANE
Jonathan Groff was in The Conspirator with Robin Wright who was in I’m Still Here with Nathan Lane.
Frankie J. Alvarez was on Smash with Christian Brole who was on The Good Wife with Nathan Lane.
Murray Bartlett was in Girl Most Likely with Andrea Martin who was in Becoming Fosse with Nathan Lane.
THE PREMISE
The show follows the lives of three gay men living in San Francisco.
WHAT WORKS
Just about everything so far. I like this show alot. I think it is a realistic portrayal of gay life. It’s not glittery and sugary like Will & Grace, nor is it booze and drug fueled like Queer As Folk. But that is not to say that the show isn’t racy. In the episode “Looking for Uncut,” Patrick (giving Jesse St. James realness) picks up a hot Latino at a bar, takes him home and is audibly disappointed to discover that he is not uncut. Scandalous! Or when Agustin loses his art job, and randomly meets a hot blond piece who identifies himself as a sex worker, and decides maybe he can sell some man ass. This week’s episode is called “Looking for $220 an Hour” and I can’t wait. As for Dom, he hasn’t done anything beyond the realm. So far he’s fucked a Grindr twink and caused a scene in a hotel when an old flame comes to town for closure and doesn’t reimburse Dom for the 8 G’s worth of rehab he paid for.
I am totes (yeah, I said it) along for the ride. I like these boys and am looking forward to seeing what they get into. What I am really want is for Patrick to get on his new boss, Kevin (Russell Tovey, who was in The History Boys with Frances De La Tour who was in The Nutcracker in 3D with Nathan Lane). Despite those ears, Kevin is hot. This show isn’t Girls for guys, it’s guys for gurls.
WHAT DOESN’T
The Bunny doesn’t believe that these three would be friends in real life. Patrick is a video-game developer, Agustin is an artist, and Dom is a career server at a restaurant. I think they would, but I can see why he would feel that way. Just based on their jobs, they would all run in completely different circles. Patrick would be out with nerd hipster types at bars like 16-Bit. Agustin would be with art people (no fucking thanks), and Dom would be at the bars every night getting twisted and chasing dick with the service industry crowd.
THE GRADE: A-
#RichKids of Beverly Hills
WHO’S IN IT
A group of rich 20-something’s that I thought were going to be huge pieces of shit.
THE PREMISE
A complex riveting dissertation on the current Middle Eastern political climate and the economic ramifications on emerging markets on the Indian subcontinent. Get a grip. It’s about rich kids.
WHAT WORKS
The group of rich 20-somethings I thought were going to be huge pieces of shit.
This show is my guiltiest pleasure right now. Who gives a fuck about a hundred day long summer in Chicago or bloody, sweaty heels? Nobody, Bravo. These kids are what’s up. Let me break it down. First up is Dorothy, who kind of talks like she is chewing her face, but the sooner you get over that, the better. Her dad has $3 billion. Which is a good thing, because ol’ girl loves an Hermes Birkin bag. She has lost count of how many she has… they start at $13,000. To her credit though, she knows they aren’t going to hug her back. Next up, Dorothy’s best friend Morgan. Morgan is my girl. She is gorgeous and batshit crazy (by her own admission). Her obsession is Christian Louboutin shoes. She has more than 250 pairs… average cost: $1500. She calls her mom Susan. Not mom, Susan. Morgan also has a blog called Boobs N Loubs. Morgan’s boyfriend, Brendan (giving Chris Martin realness), is a real estate broker. He sold his first home at 18, and that house was $15 million. He’s about as exciting as cauliflower. There is a gay, Jonny, who is not very cute. He is a producer or something. He drives a Benz and loves drama. He threw a tantrum because Dorothy was having a blood drive to benefit the Red Cross and he refused to participate because gay men can’t donate blood and he felt she wasn’t supporting him. Get off the cross, Mary. I’m not a fan. Lastly, there is Roxy, the Persian princess. Not to be confused with any of the Shahs over on Sunset. This girl can shop like I have never seen before. In the first episode’s montage of spending, she was at an unnamed store and the salesperson tells her the total. It was almost $489,000. She was spending for your nerves, honey! But her parents just cut her off, so I am ready for the spiral.
Imagine you want to go out with your friends, but the club scene is tired. Instead of hitting the bars, you hit a hotel. You hop on the elevator, take it to the penthouse, where a tight guest list of your friends (no bottom feeding “groupers” like Scott Disick) are going OFF on magnums of Cristal and Dom. Glug, glug, glug. Then the bartender working your party hands you the check, and the bill is over $30,000. What would you do? I would shit on myself, then pretend to be unconscious until it went away. If you’re Dorothy, you hand him the Centurion card, drop a $10,000 tip on that bitch and peace the fuck out.
WHAT DOESN’T
There is not enough EJ Johnson!!
EJ is Magic Johnson’s son, and she is pumping LOOKS honey! Chanel bags, Prada sunglasses, luxury moo-moos! EJ isn’t a regular on the show and is currently (I mean while they were shooting this) going to school in NY. Hopefully school lets out soon, because EJ is a hoot and I want to get into the summer looks.
THE GRADE: B+
True Detective
THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF JERRY ORBACH
Matthew McConaughey was in Killer Joe with Gina Gershon who was in Out for Justice with Jerry Orbach.
Woody Harrelson was in Indecent Proposal with Seymour Cassel who was in Manna from Heaven with Jerry Orbach.
Michael Potts was in Diggers with Maura Tierney who was in Dead Women in Lingerie with Jerry Orbach.
Tory Kittles was in Phone Booth with Svetlana Efremova who was in Prince of Central Park with Jerry Orbach.
Michelle Monaghan was in Mr. & Mrs. Smith with Angela Bassett who was in F/X with Jerry Orbach.
THE PREMISE
Two Louisiana detectives hunt for a serial killer.
WHAT WORKS
The performances of the Lincoln Lawyer (as Detective Rust Cohle) and Haymitch (as Detective Martin Hart) are compelling, and they have incredible chemistry. If the opening credits of True Blood and Six Feet Under made a baby, it would look just like the opening credits of this show. The show takes place in 1995, and is told in flashback. I don’t know what technology was like in Louisiana in 1995, but at one point Mickey Knox pulls out a walkie-talkie that would make Zach Morris’s cell phone blush with inadequacy. It was the size of a toddler.
This show could also be called Demons, because everyone’s got them. The killer they are hunting for clearly has an issue of some sort, because the first victim we see is a naked girl tied to a tree with antlers. The fuck? Cohle seems batshit crazy, and Hart is cheating on his wife (sexual demons!). HBO doesn’t fuck around when it comes to good drama, however…
WHAT DOESN’T
This show moves at a glacial pace. I thought The Wire was slow, but that show moves at a breakneck pace compared to True Detective. I fell asleep a little more than halfway through the second episode and I wasn’t the slightest bit tired when I started it! This is not made for binge-watching, an hour a week is more than enough. Other than pacing, I only have two complaints about the show. 1. The way Cohle smokes. With every drag he takes, you would think he was about to go under water. He takes the loudest and deepest breath, and it drives me up the wall. 2. The way Hart talks. I didn’t notice it so much in the first episode (guess I couldn’t hear it over Rust’s smoking), but it is rampant in the second. He sounds like he has marbles in his mouth, or a big wad of chew or something. It also drives me crazy, because he sort of picks and chooses how “chewy” he’s going to sound at any minute. They both need to get their shit together.
THE GRADE: B
Enlisted
THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF DAMON WAYANS
Geoff Stults was on October Road with Bill Cobbs who was on My Wife and Kids with Damon Wayans.
Chris Lowell was on Private Practice with Gina Rivera who was on In Living Color with Damon Wayans.
Parker Young was on Suburgatory with Tom Yi who was on Damon with Damon Wayans.
Keith David was on Rhythm & Jam with Carrie Ann Inaba who was on In Living Color with Damon Wayans.
Angelique Cabral was on Happy Endings with Damon Wayans Jr. who was on My Wife and Kids with Damon Wayans.
THE PREMISE
Three brothers are stationed at the same Army base in Florida. Hilarity ensues.
WHAT WORKS
At first, nothing. But then something happened between the first and second episode, and the quality jumped 100%. If you only watched the first episode, you probably bolted. The first episode is terrible. I stuck around because Entertainment Weekly said it was funny, then it was #7 on The Must List. It is quite a charming little show. It is unfortunate that FOX put it on Friday nights at 9:30. Last night, Enlisted had 3.2 million viewers (making it the #11 show of the night… out of 15) and 1.0 18-49 rating (meaning 1% of viewers ages 18-49 watched), which was an increase of 66.67% from the week before. That’s not good.
What is really working so far is the chemistry between the brothers. The brothers are all hot, by the way. Hot. The oldest brother (Pete, who kinda looks like Nathan Petrelli from Heroes) was stationed in Afghanistan, and he fucked up and got sent to Florida to join his brothers in a rear detachment unit (they wash tanks and shit). The two younger brothers are what the fuck is up. The youngest (Randy, giving Peter Facinelli realness) is Ryan Shay from Suburgatory, and apparently that is the only character he can play: hot & dumb. I’ll watch that all day. He thinks the Pixar lamp doesn’t have a family, and he’s quite passionate in that conviction. The middle brother (Derrick, serving me boner headaches) is that drunk asshole guy that Skeeter dated in The Help. To me, he is next-level sexy and he could put it anywhere. They are part of a squadron of typical misfits: the nerd, the fat guy, a sassy black girl, a crazy Asian girl, etc. There is another unit on the base led by Sgt. Perez, which brings me to…
WHAT DOESN’T
Sgt. Perez.
I don’t know this bitch from a hole in the ground. When I looked her up on IMDb, it turns out she has guested in several things I’ve seen (Friends With Benefits, Happy Endings, Don’t Trust the B– in Apartment 23) but I don’t remember her basic ass. She’s the love interest for Pete, and I couldn’t care less about her. In the first episode, she worked my last nerve by doing her best impression of Big Red from Bring It On. In subsequent episodes, my patience is tested the moment she appears on-screen. Don’t invest, she has nothing to offer.
THE GRADE: B
Eric Jonrosh’s The Spoils of Babylon
THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF LEVAR BURTON
Tobey Maguire was in Spider-Man 3 with James Cromwell who was in Star Trek: First Contact with LeVar Burton.
Kristen Wiig was on The Cleveland Show with Ed Asner who was on Captain Planet and the Planeteers with LeVar Burton.
Will Farrell was on Cow and Chicken with Michael Dorn who was on Star Trek: The Next Generation with LeVar Burton.
Tim Robbins was on The Love Boat with George Kennedy who was on The Jesse Owens Story with LeVar Burton.
Jessica Alba was on Dark Angel with Rob LaBelle who was on Perception with LeVar Burton.
Haley Joel Osment was on Murphy Brown with Charles Kimbrough who was on Reading Rainbow with LeVar Burton.
Val Kilmer was on Knight Rider with Christopher Michael who was on Star Trek: The Next Generation with LeVar Burton.
Carey Mulligan was at the 2010 Brittania Awards with Robert Knepper who was on Star Trek: The Next Generation with LeVar Burton.
Molly Shannon was on American Dad with Patrick Stewart who was on Star Trek: The Next Generation with LeVar Burton.
Michael Sheen was on The Variety Club Showbiz Awards 2009 with Patrick Stewart who was on Star Trek: The Next Generation with LeVar Burton.
David Spade was on Saturday Night Live with Patrick Stewart who was on Star Trek: The Next Generation with LeVar Burton.
THE PREMISE
The show is a spoof of epic miniseries from the 1980’s.
WHAT WORKS
This show is a dream come true. Everything works so far. From Will Ferrell’s over-the-top performance as Eric Jonrosh, to the blatant miniatures that serve as the exteriors, to Lady Anne York herself.
“At a certain point in my career as an artist, I made a necessary decision to discontinue suffering fools” are the first words uttered by Eric Jonrosh as he drinks wine in an empty restaurant. Jonrosh wrote the best-selling novel on which this miniseries of the same name is based. Jonrosh is a whale of a man with a very large beard. He is a multi-hyphenate, and they change every episode. So far, Jonrosh is an Author-Producer-Writer-Director-Raconteur-Bon Vivant-Legend-Fabulist-Auteur-Storyteller-Novelist-Birdwatcher-Yachtsman-Journalist-Short Story-ist-Journeyman-Financier-Creative Consultant-Fisherman-Zeitgeistio-Traveler-Dreamer-Anecdotalist. “I began principal photography on The Spoils of Babylon at some juncture in 1976, and ended production abruptly in January of ’79 for reasons I refuse to make clear. Shooting on Premium Nitrate Non-safety 93mm Triax Reversal Stock and Heinrich Zylist 3X Breath-Take-O-Scope Anamorphic Prime Lenses. The original running time of The Spoils of Babylon was 22 hours and was considered too long for network television.” Jonrosh is too fucking much. I could quote him in this entire post, but I do not want to spoil any of it.
The show centers around the Morehouse family, and specifically, Devon & Cynthia Morehouse. They are the children of Jonas Morehouse, a man who struck oil and became very wealthy. Devon was adopted by Morehouse after he and Cynthia happened upon him on a country road. He pulled over, asked him some questions, renamed him, took him home and raised him as his own. Um, that is kidnapping. Cynthia is in love with Devon, and this serves as the centerpiece of the show. Devon comes home from war with a new wife (York), and Cynthia is not having it. You will be LIVING for the breakfast scene in the second episode where Cynthia confronts York. I have watched it like 15 times. “I am a real woman. And if you ever want to find out you, can come down and watch your brother delighting in it!” Who has died and gone to heaven? Me.
WHAT DOESN’T
There isn’t enough of Eric Jonrosh. He opens and closes every episode, but that isn’t enough. I could listen to him talk for hours.
THE GRADE: A-
Getting On
WHO’S IN IT
Leslie Glass from Desperately Seeking Susan, Lipsyncher from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, and Woman at Diner from Boys On the Side.
THE PREMISE
The trials and tribulations of 2 nurses and a doctor in a geriatric extended care wing of a down-but-not-out hospital in Southern California.
SHOULD YOU BE WATCHING IT?
My gut reaction is yes, but I honestly can’t say. Two episodes have aired so far, and this show is kinda fucked up. It is billed as a dark comedy, but you wouldn’t know that from watching the pilot. That shit was bleak. The lighting is so harsh. Fluorescents all the way, but I get it. They are in a hospital, so you shouldn’t expect the $50,000 lighting the used to light Sarah Jessica Parker’s mole in Sex and the City. This is not glamorous at all. My guess is the make up budget is $0.
Jackie Harris plays Dr. Jenna James, former Director of Geriatrics in the main building of the hospital, now banished to this extended care wing as Director of Medicine. She can’t believe she is being forced to work here, and she feels that she is above it as evidenced when the parking people call her to tell her that she is parking in the wrong place or whatever and she tells them, “I have a job that’s infinitely more important than yours.” Then she hangs up the phone. She is also conducting a fecal study and is constantly looking for her stool samples. Haggard doesn’t begin to describe her as Dr. James.
Ms. Swan plays Dawn Forchette, seemingly one of only two nurses on the floor. Her look gives me Snow White… 70 pounds after the fairy tale. But she likes to pump a work-inappropriate knee-high pair of fuck me boots. Any nurse will immediately call bullshit on that. You can’t nurse in that! Dawn is desperately single. We find out in the second episode (the best one of the two, which I will get to in a minute) that her husband “brought her some papers to sign” which turned to be for a $25,000 loan which he used to buy a Mercedes, then proceeded to bounce with said Mercedes. That is why her wages are being garnished. You know else is being garnished? All the fucking food this bitch is eating on the job. A patient dies in the pilot, on their birthday, and this bitch swooped in and snatched the cake on the sly the proceeded to eat the entire thing “secretly.” She’s a fucking mess.
Deputy Raineesha Williams is DiDi Ortley, the other nurse on the floor. At first I didn’t get why Dawn always bosses her around (other than the obvious), but when I re-watched the second episode this morning, I noticed something I hadn’t before. Dawn is an RN. DiDi is an LPN. So Dawn is kinda the HBIC until the new supervising nurse, Patsy De La Serda shows up. Patsy is a man (short for Patrizio), but he’s one of the gurls. Ya feel me? Anyway, DiDi is the most put-upon, hardest working person in this ward. She does all the shit jobs and cleans up all the shit. A very unglamorous role for an actress for sure. However, much to my surprise, Raineesha is the best part of the show so far. In just two episodes, Niecy Nash’s performance thus far mesmerizing. I was completely surprised by this caliber of a dramatic performance from her. I would love to see some Emmy love for her next year. She isn’t playing the “sassy black friend” for once, and it is a dream.
WHY I WILL KEEP WATCHING
Niecy Nash.
Ok, so. The second episode. Antoine, a black orderly, wheels in this old, white bitch (you know how hospitals are, she can walk). Her name is Varla Pounder. Varla arrives with an incomplete chart, so Dawn has no idea what her issue is. Antoine is like, “this is all they gave me. GOOD LUCK”, and walks away. Dawn leans over to her and says, “Hello, Varla” who doesn’t miss a beat and responds with: “Is that coon gone?!” Who’s died and gone to heaven? Me. You KNOW this bitch is going to be a handful, and she fucking was. So that comment was made within earshot of DiDi, who, of course, Dawn pawns off on her. Varla starts ranting about how she isn’t doing shit and wants no part of whatever they want to do, and she is NOT getting her blood pressure taken because “they did it 600 fucking times in that other building.” Then she says to DiDi, “You think you have the upper hand because you heard me say a bad word. WELL YOU DON’T!!” I don’t want to ruin the Varla Experience for you, but it should be a ride somewhere. “Half the whores on this floor weren’t even born in this country! I was born in Bakersfield! I want a cigarette!” Sorry, I can’t help myself. DiDi is my girl, and I am totes along for the ride no matter how fucked up it could get.
GRADE: B+
NIECY NASH: A-
Almost Human
WHO’S IN IT
Rohann Murdoch from Shark in the Park, Calvin McDade from Metropolis, Waitress from Crime Story, and Girl from Turbo Charged Prelude to 2 Fast 2 Furious
THE PREMISE
This is a cop show. It’s 2048. All cops have an android partner. There are robot hos. Technology is super advanced, but everyone drives a Ford.
WHAT WORKS
Bones from Star Trek is Detective John Kennex. John Kennex is fine.
John Kennex loses his partner in an explosion. An android cop wasn’t able to save them both (because he disobeyed one of the 3 Laws of Robotics, not mentioned at all). John can’t remember some stuff. I wonder if he remembers killing Lola (who was technically but not physically running) on a bridge in India? Jason Bourne does. The explosion left John with a synthetic leg.
As cops do, John gets a new partner. An android named Dorian. Dorian is fine.
Dorian has feelings, but not in a Commander Data emotion chip kind of way. Dorian is also a dick.
The chemistry between the two is engaging. They have, or will have, good banter as the show finds its footing. As long as Karl Urban’s performance as Bones doesn’t bleed into his portrayal of Kennex, he’ll be good to go. Not that he has a history of that. There are mysterious flashbacks that involve something called Myklon Red. Is that anything like Ketrocel White? I am totally down if Weyoun shows up in this piece. Or even Third T’Lak T’Lan, after telling Major Kira’s bitch ass that the colonists on New Bajor “fought well for a spiritual people.” Sorry, I’m off track. The premise of the show has a familiarity. It really gives me Robocop meets Alien Nation. If you don’t know what Alien Nation is, that is too bad. For you.
WHAT DOESN’T
Minka Kelly.
Work it, you boring bitch. I didn’t watch Friday Night Lights, and the only thing I knew her from was The Roommate. The Roommate is actually not that bad. You haven’t lived until you see Blair Waldorf doing “gimme hands” at the gun during the final showdown between the two. It is fantastic. When Best Buy will lower the price on the Blu-ray to less than $9.99, that film is mine. But I digress. Minka is the kinda like the computer nerd in the office. Think Topher from Dollhouse, only boring as fuck. Turns out her mom was an whore exotic dancer and her dad is former Aerosmith guitarist Rick Dufay. Yeah, I wasn’t excited by that either. She doesn’t really have much to do so far on the show, but only 2 episodes have aired so we’ll see.
Lily Taylor plays Captain Sandra Maldonado. Also, she doesn’t have much to do yet either. But her plastic surgeon did something. He gave her “The Angry Executive.” Watch an episode, you’ll see. Plastic surgery doesn’t seem like something Lisa Kimmel would do, so it kinda makes me sad.
The show is a little heavy on showcasing the technology. Which I suppose is fine for a sci-fi cop show establishing its mythology. But, Dorian shows a group of kids visiting the station how he has blue lights that glow on the side of his face. Not to be outdone, John shows the kids how he can drive a knife into his (synthetic) leg. They scream and leave. The kids really should have left when they realized that Dorian’s blue lights are just like the blue circle in Windows 7 on a PC. He showed them that he can think, and had lights to prove it. Not so fucking special.
THE GRADE: B-
Project Runway: All Stars
WHO’S IN IT
A bunch of cast-offs and previous winners of Project Runway seasons past. Seth Aaron, Jeffrey Sebelia, Mychael Knight, Crazy Russian Prostitute, Korto Momolu, Christopher Palu, Victor, Irina, and whoever the fuck else.
THE PREMISE
Lifetime’s money-grab attempt to extend the brand after the failure of Models of the Runway. No one gave a shit about those bitches.
WHAT WORKS
It’s Project Runway, so the formula is tried and true. I will watch any incarnation of Project Runway. What I would really like to see is a Top Chef: Masters-style Project Runway with famous designers competing. My dream cast of, say 10 designers? Vera Wang, Donna Karan, Karl Lagerfeld, Betsey Johnson’s crazy ass, John Varvatos, Nicholas Ghesquiere, Marc Jacobs, Christian Siriano, Vivienne Westwood, and Donatella “I was crazy before the drugs” Versace. Wouldn’t that be a dream come fucking true? Watching Karl Lagerfeld, with fan in hand, talk about how fat he thinks Donna Karan is while Christian Siriano and Marc Jacobs kiki in the sewing room?! I would be in heaven.
WHAT DOESN’T
Victor’s fan.
Mychael’s faux-empire waist type button-ups. The fuck?
Alyssa Milano as the host. When I think of fashion, I don’t think of Samantha Micelli. At all. I think of Lily Leonetti, the ho she played in Poison Ivy II after Drew Barrymore knew she was too good for that shit. Who is in charge of Micelli’s wardrobe? You know Tim Gunn is not on set, because he would never let Alyssa come out in the shit she’s been we wearing. Tim always says it all about fit and proportion. Neither of these things is happening on Alyssa. They are putting her in things that make her look like a Donkey Kong barrel. Plus, everything has been hideous. She is too short for the shit she wears. It’s almost as if season 1 host Angela Lindvall and season 2 host Carolyn Murphy left all their wardrobe behind… then someone did the ultimate unconventional challenge and turned all of it into slouchy knits. TERRIBLE.
Can we talk about Irina Shabayeva’s face work, or rather, what’s not working on her face? Something’s not right. I told The Bunny that I feel like she went into a fix-a-flat style back alley plastic surgeon’s office with a picture of Kim Kardashian and said, “I want this… but with a touch of Down’s.” Well that fucker succeeded, because that is exactly what she looks like. I’d rather watch Khloe feed on any number of small woodland creatures in her den up in the hills than look at Irina’s face. Don’t get me started on Elena and all of her clown make-up. Russia is a fucked up place if your father’s favorite band or whatever is Blondie. I’m not hating on Blondie, but question mark.
I am rooting for Christopher because he is super cute. But he can shut it the fuck down with this “I was bullied” dress. What a crock of shit. They asked him something that had nothing to do with that, but he steered it there anyway and my eyes were ROLLING! Fashion doesn’t need to have a message, and neither does this Simplicity pattern horseshit. But I won’t stop watching it. See ya for the finale.
THE GRADE: B-
The Letter Grade 