True Blood

True Detective

True Detective

THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF JERRY ORBACH

Matthew McConaughey was in Killer Joe with Gina Gershon who was in Out for Justice with Jerry Orbach.

Woody Harrelson was in Indecent Proposal with Seymour Cassel who was in Manna from Heaven with Jerry Orbach.

Michael Potts was in Diggers with Maura Tierney who was in Dead Women in Lingerie with Jerry Orbach.

Tory Kittles was in Phone Booth with Svetlana Efremova who was in Prince of Central Park with Jerry Orbach.

Michelle Monaghan was in Mr. & Mrs. Smith with Angela Bassett who was in F/X with Jerry Orbach.

THE PREMISE

Two Louisiana detectives hunt for a serial killer.

WHAT WORKS

The performances of the Lincoln Lawyer (as Detective Rust Cohle) and Haymitch (as Detective Martin Hart) are compelling, and they have incredible chemistry. If the opening credits of True Blood and Six Feet Under made a baby, it would look just like the opening credits of this show. The show takes place in 1995, and is told in flashback. I don’t know what technology was like in Louisiana in 1995, but at one point Mickey Knox pulls out a walkie-talkie that would make Zach Morris’s cell phone blush with inadequacy. It was the size of a toddler.

This show could also be called Demons, because everyone’s got them. The killer they are hunting for clearly has an issue of some sort, because the first victim we see is a naked girl tied to a tree with antlers. The fuck? Cohle seems batshit crazy, and Hart is cheating on his wife (sexual demons!). HBO doesn’t fuck around when it comes to good drama, however…

WHAT DOESN’T

This show moves at a glacial pace. I thought The Wire was slow, but that show moves at a breakneck pace compared to True Detective. I fell asleep a little more than halfway through the second episode and I wasn’t the slightest bit tired when I started it! This is not made for binge-watching, an hour a week is more than enough. Other than pacing, I only have two complaints about the show. 1. The way Cohle smokes. With every drag he takes, you would think he was about to go under water. He takes the loudest and deepest breath, and it drives me up the wall. 2. The way Hart talks. I didn’t notice it so much in the first episode (guess I couldn’t hear it over Rust’s smoking), but it is rampant in the second. He sounds like he has marbles in his mouth, or a big wad of chew or something. It also drives me crazy, because he sort of picks and chooses how “chewy” he’s going to sound at any minute. They both need to get their shit together.

THE GRADE: B

Intelligence

Intelligence

WHO’S IN IT

Good Looking Guy from Angel, Sherry Woods from Vampire High, Liam from Medium, Dr. Laura Baker from Species 2, Mike Spencer from True Blood, Soldier On Manhattan Bridge from Godzilla, and the cameraman that tried to kill Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard.

THE PREMISE

Sawyer is ex-Delta Force and has a computer chip in his head, so he can surf the internet and shit.

WHAT WORKS

Sawyer’s sweater in the opening scene. It looks really nice. My first thought was J. Crew, then I remembered this is a Hollywood production, so it is probably Armani and costs like 1500 bones. Speaking of sweaters, there was a gorgeous cashmere fair isle sweater at Banana Republic this season that I totally let slip through my fingers! I should have just ordered that fucker. It’s not available anymore. OH, wait! I’m supposed to be talking about Intelligence.

WHAT DOES NOT

An awful lot I’m afraid. First of all, the premise is beyond ludicrous. A man with a microchip in his head that can shop online with his mind? Outrageous. But I guess the chip is really in there so he can fight crime. Fine. It can’t be taken seriously. When they offered this to Sawyer, he should have shaken his head and said, “I haven’t gone through all of my Lost money yet. Pass.” There is a Secret Service bitch involved, and I can’t be bothered to summon up her name. I will refer to her as “SS Bitch” moving forward. She is terrible in every way, and clearly failed all her classes at the Lizzy Keen School of Acting. Second thing working against this show? The writing. In one scene, MARG and Sawyer are talking about some bomber at the Super Bowl. Sawyer commented that he thought CIA was responsible, then MARG has to balls to say “You weren’t cleared to think anything different, until now.” I beg your pardon, bitch? I think you just uttered some piss-poor dialogue. Am I cleared for that? By the way, MARG and Sawyer’s on-screen chemistry, like Halle Berry’s half of the dinner, is ZERO. In another scene, Sawyer and SS Bitch are watching some video footage and some Chinese is spoken. Since Sawyer can access Google Translate with his mind, he was able to translate what was said. SS Bitch is all “you can speak Chinese now?” and Sawyer goes, “I have an app for that.” Did that roll your eye? The dialogue gets so bad, that at one point SS Bitch says “What’s the real on Gabriel’s wife?” The real? Get me the fuck out of here.

I have only seen the pilot, and I have the second episode sitting on the DVR. I am going to watch it, and if there is not marked improvement, I will wipe my ass with this shit show.

THE GRADE: D+ (The + is because Sawyer still looks good)