Get Into It

#Extant

Extant

THE CAST

Halle Berry decides to take television by storm… with the help of Steven “How Much Money Do I Need” Spielberg.

Goran Visnjic isn’t as hot as we was when was on ER, and certainly isn’t as hot as we was in that Madonna video.

Hiroyuki Sanada knows Revenge is a dish best served cold, so he bounced off that shit show.

Pierce Gagnon is that little kid who screamed his way through his performance in Looper while destroying people at the sub-atomic level.

Grace Gummer is Meryl Streep’s daughter, who looks exactly like her sister Mamie Gummer (who kills it whenever she is on The Good Wife).

Camryn Manheim looking the bomb. I miss The Practice.

Brad Beyer was the straight roommate in Trick.

THE PREMISE

Halle Berry is an astronaut who recently returned from a 13-month solo mission in space and finds out she is pregnant.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

It’s Halle Berry! You know, the Academy Award-winning actress from such high brow titles as Movie 43, Catwoman, and B.A.P.S. No, she’s not the reason.

But here’s the thing. We need to discuss Movie 43 for a minute. First of all, I can’t believe she even did it. Have you seen it? There’s a TON of people in it (Dennis Quaid, Elizabeth Banks, Kate Winslet, Hugh Jackman, Seth MacFarlane, Common, Greg Kinnear, Naomi Watts, Liev Shrieber, Anna Faris, Chris Pratt, Kieran Culkin, Emma Stone, Richard Gere, Jack McBrayer, Justin Long, Jason Sudeikis, Uma Thurman, Bobby Cannavale, Kristen Bell, Leslie Bibb, Gerard Butler, Jonny Knoxville, Sean William Scott, Snooki, etc.). It is all a series of vignette’s, and Halle’s vignette is her and Steven Merchant locked in an escalating game of Truth or Dare (like GOB and Bride of GOB) that ends in plastic surgery. That is all that I will say, but the end result is fucking gold. Sorry for that… back to EXTANT.

The premise of the show is somewhat interesting. So THE PREMISE happened to Molly (Berry) . Her husband, John, is a robotics genius that has invented robot children called Humanics. Their son, Ethan (Gagnon), is a Humanic, because Molly is barren. While she’s on the space station, her only company is the talking computer HAL, MUTH-UR, Dreadnaught, BEN. At some point, the lights go out and [scary space stuff] then Molly’s ex appears. It wasn’t Gabriel Aubry, we could never get that lucky. Long story short, bitch is knocked up inexplicably (Molly’s ex hasn’t touched her from what we have seen). Basically, this is A.I.: Artificial Intelligence meets Weird Science via Sanctum. Here is the problem though…

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

Halle Berry has no chemistry with her co-stars. NONE. The director asked her to bring her half of the chemistry, and she was like, “My half is ZERO.” She’s still not Dutch.

I feel like Halle shoots all of her scenes alone on green screen, while everyone else shoots on set then get added in post-production. I have never seen anything like it. It certainly brings a weird energy (or lack thereof) to almost every scene. It is almost distracting. Spielberg needs to explain to her that special effects cannot create on-screen chemistry. Just ask Jar-Jar. Hopefully, she is forced to come on set with everyone else. I mean, how long would you want to have a conversation with a tennis ball (or whatever is acting as her stand-in)? Halle, you didn’t get Gravity. Time to move the fuck on… to the set.

THE GRADE: B

#TyrantFX

tyrant

FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF THE CAST

Adam Rayner is serving up sexy daddy realness. Those blue eyes are so dreamy.

Jennifer Finnigan looks like the poor man’s Jane Krakowski. She is the worst.

Ashraf Barhom looks like he could be the older, angrier brother of The Professional.

Noah Silver is ruhl cute.

Alice Krige will always be the Borg queen to me.

and Justin Kirk will always be Andy Botwin.

THE PREMISE

Barry Al Fayeed (Rayner) takes his family back to his home country to go to a wedding, his father dies, and he reluctantly stays in the country. His father is a dictator and his brother is basically Qusay & Uday Hussein rolled into one.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Tyrant is very well acted (except for the wife), and very well written (except for the wife).

Here’s the thing. If my father ruled another country, you better believe I would be fucking be there abusing all of my privileges. ALL OF THEM. Dictator money spends like regular money. I would be buying blood diamonds all the time. I wouldn’t care how many people were dying behind the scenes, as long as the Prada, Gucci, and Ferragamo kept rolling in. Kill 10 citizens, then go get a new Benz? Done.

Barry Al Fayeed does not agree with me in any way whatsoever. He’s a pediatrician in Los Angeles. His wife is fucking terrible, and they have two kids, Sammy (who I am living for because he speaks fluent fag) and Emma (who is about as exciting as steamed cauliflower). The Borg queen is his mother, and Andy Botwin in a slimy guy from the US embassy. In any good drama, or comedy for that matter, there has to be a bitch. If there’s no bitch, I am not satisfied. The bitch on this show is Barry’s sister-in-law. Jamal’s (Barhom) wife, Leila, is a BITCH. Plus, she is stunning. I am pretty sure she would be best frenemies with Claire Underwood, and any friend of Claire’s is a friend of mine.

What will be interesting is watching Barry navigate all of the gray areas going on in his country. Jamal is ruthless, and has people killed at will. There is a resistance of sorts in the country trying to unseat the Al Fayeed’s. If you like watching internal struggles, then this is the show for you.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

There is no reason, really. The ratings pretty solid for a basic cable network. The pilot reeled in 3.1 million viewers, of which 1.2 million were in the 18-49 demo. That is impressive. Do I expect Emmy love? No. Golden Globe love? Yes, Uncle Morty will be into it.

THE GRADE: B+

 

 

#AlmostRoyal

Almost Royal

THE CAST

Amy Hoggart is a fucking dream come true.

Ed Gamble gives me blond, Russell Brand realness.

THE PREMISE

Ed & Amy play Georgie & Poppy Carlton, Nth and Nth in line for the British throne, who are on a royal tour of America. Americans are dumb.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

“Texas” is really the only episode you should watch. The other places they visit (LA, NYC, Boston, Detroit, Nashville, DC) are not as amusing as Texas. Poppy has a rapier sharp wit and her delivery is spot on. I could take or leave Georgie, Poppy is the one. When they visit the two hotties working at the taxidermy place, Poppy really shines. I hope my DVR never breaks, because the Texas episode is permanently saved. Poppy has some great one-liners, and I will leave them for you to discover. Just know that cowboys don’t become cowboys because of Toy Story’s 2 & 3. Also, don’t ask a hipster/hippie barista in Brooklyn if she is good enough to work at Starbucks.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

It is kind of Borat in its execution in a very harmless way. And as I mentioned, Texas is the one. The others are throwaways.

THE GRADE: Texas: A-; the rest: C+

 

#LadiesofLondon

Ladies of London

THESE HOS

Caroline Stanbury is the richest one, and she looks like a monster. Have you ever seen Krull? She looks like the Beast.

Annabelle Nielson was the muse of Alexander McQueen. She is bringing narcoleptic Emily Mortimer realness to the table.

Juliet Angus, much to my chagrin, is not an heiress to a beef fortune. She’s an American and kinda reminds me of Meg Tilly (remember her?!). She has partied with Lohan, so you know she is a fan of Lohan powder.

Noelle Reno, also an American, is at the nadir of her gold digging game and looks like a broke down Lindsay Bluth.

Marissa Hermer, also from the US, gives me Amber Tamblyn all day long.

Caprice is also from America, but has lived in London for 20 years or some shit. She is known by just her first name ( in a very Jordan kind of way).

THE PREMISE

A reality show that follows some American and British bitches navigating the British social scene.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Bravo’s mind control is strong. You can easily get sucked into a marathon of this, because watching these British bitches look down their noses and the American girls is super entertaining. It is all done so politely. It’s great. You’ll be on the edge of your seat waiting to see when Caprice’s face is going to collapse, if Annabelle is going to be thrown off a horse, and how wide Caroline can open her mouth when she unhinges her jaw to eat an assistant.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

You won’t give two shits about any of these people.

THE GRADE: any day of the week: D; hungover on a Sunday: B

#BadTeacher

bad teacher

THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: CAMERON DIAZ

Ari Graynor was in What’s Your Number? with Robert Masiello, who was in Knight and Day with Cameron Diaz.

Sara Gilbert was in Poison Ivy with Drew Barrymore, who was in Charlie’s Angels with Cameron Diaz.

Kristin Davis was in The Shaggy Dog with Philip Pavel, who was in The Sweetest Thing with Cameron Diaz.

David Alan Grier was in The Player with Gina Gershon, who was in Slackers with Cameron Diaz.

Ryan Hansen was in Last Call with Tom Arnold, who was in Welcome to Hollywood with Cameron Diaz.

THE PREMISE

Same as the film… bitch gets dumped, gets nothing and tries digging for gold as a teacher at a public school.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Ari Graynor.

Ari was the blond girl in Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist who got wasted and came to when she heard the boys talking about going “balls deep.” Fast forward to her roaming the Port Authority and telling the ticketing agent, “They said they were going to go balls deep! Does that sound like fun? Not always!” She also started a sex line in For A Good Time, Call…” She was great in both of those, and she is just as stellar in this. She claims she has never seen the film, so as not to color her performance.  Graynor plays Meredith, a recent divorcee who married for money and left with nothing. She moves in with her friend Brie, who immediately send Meredith to pick up her step-daughter Lily from school. Not sure how she got the school since she has no car, but when she does, she finds Lily (thanks to a photo in hand) and has this exchange:

Meredith: “Hi! Your step-mom sent me to get you.”

Lily: “That’s what child molesters say.”

Meredith: “Don’t flatter yourself.”

I was fucking in at this point. Carl (Grier) is the principal of Richard Nixon High School. He is mentally unstable having just gone through a divorce himself. He is clearly taking it hard since he was bamboozled into hiring a gold digger to teach children. Charlotte York is Ginny (subbing as Lucy Punch’s character)… the stickler who is sure that Meredith is a fraud. She’s fine. Joel (Hansen) is the Jason Segal character… the coach that went to high school with Meredith. If Party Down has as big a dick as HIMYM, then he is hotter than ever. Despite all of Meredith’s gold digging, she always ends up doing right by the kids. It is heartwarming in that way, as she tends to admit her faults yet still tries to empower the misfit girls she is dealing with. At the same time, if Elizabeth Halsey actually showed up at this school, Meredith would read her for filth and I would enjoy every minute of it.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

Sara Gilbert.

I don’t know what has happened to her. Is Linda Perry trying to drain the last bits of youth from her or what? My guess is she is fulfilling the role of that fat mousey bitch from the film, although she is not fat. But what she is is ghoulish. Darlene looks like a troll that lives under a bridge who will eat your fucking baby the moment you look away. Her hair is a rat’s nest. Wardrobe is horrendous. Her character is so desperate to be accepted and liked that I can’t even stand it. If those are her real teeth, then she needs to hit a dentist. She is serving borderline Billy-Bob teeth realness, and quite frankly it is hard to watch. I feel like Rosanne & Dan Connor would have cut her off long ago (remember they won the lottery in the last season).

Hopefully, Darlene’s terrible characterization will not lead to the show’s demise. It premiered to 7.87 million viewers (2.1 rating/6 share). The following week it dipped slightly to 6.52 million viewers (1.5 rating/4 share). We’ll see I guess.

THE GRADE: B+

#FWBL

fwbl

THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: DEIDRE HALL

James Van Der Beek was on Law & Order: Criminal Intent with Billy Wirth, who was on Wiseguys with Deidre Hall.

Majandra Delfino was on Help Me Help You with Steve Bannos, who was on Days of Our Lives with Deidre Hall.

Zoe Lister Jones was on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit with Rhea Perlman, who was on NBC 75th Anniversary Special with Deidre Hall.

Brooklyn Decker was on The League with Alina Foley, who was on Days of Our Lives with Deidre Hall.

Kevin Connolly was on ER with Noah Wyle, who was on NBC 75th Anniversary Special with Deidre Hall.

Rick Donald was on Home and Away with David Jones-Roberts, who was on Days of Our Lives with Deidre Hall.

THE PREMISE

The show follows two couples (one married with kids, the other recently engaged), a guy divorcing, and a single woman who are all friends.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Zoe Lister Jones.

Will (Van Der Beek) and Bobby (Connolly) are both doctors. Bobby is married to Andi (Delfino) who is pregnant with child #2. Will’s wife just left him, apparently took everything, so he is living with Bobby & Andi. Jules (Decker) and Lowell (Donald) have just gotten engaged. Lowell is an Aussie who is giving the poor man’s Curtis Stone realness. Jules is one of those women that becomes the man she is dating. She takes on their lifestyles, habits, food preferences, etc. as her own. In one episode, they all get pizza but Jules & Lowell have some soy bullshit pizza. When Lowell goes to get plates or some shit, Jules leans over to Bobby and says “Let me smell your meat.” That is not the same as “Let Me Smell Yo’ Dick” as she was referring to his pepperoni pizza. Was it funny? No. Everyone has a pretty much cheerful disposition, except for the Andi who is going through the typical sitcom pregnancy issues. She can smell everything! She wants to eat weird shit! She wants to be penetrated until Bobby can’t ejaculate anymore! They are not breaking new ground here.

However, the spinster of the group is where its at. Her name is Kate (Lister). Kate is serving Whitney Cummings realness… except she’s pretty. Lister was even on an episode of Whitney! She is the dark cloud to all of their sunshine. EW slammed the show because they felt that Lister’s tone was so disparate from the rest of the cast that she sticks out like a sore thumb and ruins the dynamic. I completely disagree. Van Der Beek and Donald are eye candy only as far as I am concerned. Bobby and Andi could fucking disappear for all I care. They are useless. Kate rains on every parade, and not in a Debbie Downer kind of way but in an awesome bitch kind of way. If you haven’t noticed, I love bitches. So naturally I think that Kate should have a talk show, that airs right after Pam (yes, Pam from True Blood needs a talk show and everyone wants the post-Pam time slot). Kate is deadpan, and bitchy and I am living for her. “So I said to my assistant, ‘If you’re going to have a c-section, have it on the weekend.'”

I am sorry, but I have to digress for a moment. While writing this review, a commercial came on for those Magnum chocolate ice cream bars. First of all, that is a horrible name for ice cream. Magnum? Am I the only one that thinks that it is frozen semen wrapped in chocolate? What bothers me the most is the fact that Rachel Bilson is the face of this mess. Why is Summer Roberts hawking ice cream? Has she blown through all of her Jumper money? Furthermore, why in the fuck did Karl Lagerfeld shoot the print campaign for this? Karl hates fat people, so why would he be involved with an ice cream campaign? Plus Summer doesn’t like look the type of girl who would hop out of her car and run to the truck in the middle of traffic to have an ice cream. The DirecTV marionette girlfriend with the lemonade is more believable.

Ok, back on track. Kate is the shit, so get the fuck into it.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

As I said before, Bobby and Andi are useless. The problem is Will is living with them, so most of the show takes place in their house. They really have nothing to offer. I liked E on Entourage, until that show became so fucking boring that I quit it years before it ended. Unfortunately, E brought that boredom with him.

THE GRADE: B

#Mixology

mixology

THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: MATTHEW FOX

Craig Frank was on Weeds with Marcus Toji, who was on Party of Five with Matthew Fox.

Ginger Gonzaga was on Legit with DJ Qualls, who was on Lost with Matthew Fox.

Blake Lee was on Parks & Recreation with Jim O’Heir, who was on Party of Five with Matthew Fox.

Kate Simses was on Wedding Band with Harold Perrineau, who was on Lost with Matthew Fox.

Vanessa Lengies was on Ratz with Dolores Drake, who was on Party of Five with Matthew Fox.

Adam Campbell was on Touch with Said Taghmaoui, who was on Lost with Matthew Fox.

Alexis Carra was on Bones with TJ Thyne, who was on Party of Five with Matthew Fox.

Adan Canto was on The Following with Maggie Grace, who was on Lost with Matthew Fox.

Andrew Santino was on The Office with Josh Groban, who was on The 32nd Annual American Music Awards with Matthew Fox.

Frances Shaw was on CSI: NY with Eddie Cahill, who was on Haunted with Matthew Fox.

THE PREMISE

It takes place on one night in a bar where 10 singles are getting sloppy and looking for love.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Maya.

Let’s break down the singles, shall we?

First up is Cal (Frank). Cal’s name might as well be Token as far as I am concerned. He’s cute enough, but Jesus he is boring. He really brings nothing to the table, so we’ll move on. Cal is at the bar with two of his buddies, Tom & Bruce. Tom (Lee) is a boy-next door type who is giving Colin-Hanks-meets-a-lamppost realness. He is a romantic in a very naive, aw shucks kind of way. Bruce (Santino), on the other hand, is a pussy hound who just wants to get it in. I also think I am detecting a slight personality disorder from him. But he’s fun. Up next is Kacey (Lengies), who is a cocktail server at the bar. You’ll know this girl the moment you see her. She uttered one of the most immortal lines in cinema history… from Stick It: “It’s not called ‘gym-nice-tics.'” Yes, that bitch. Kacey is from the same small fictitious town in Ohio as Cal. She’s a box of fucking rocks. Her and Cal try to get something going (which is unprofessional girl because she is at work), but she can’t stop fucking on the bartender, Dominic.

Take one look at Dominic (Canto), and you’ll be on board. You’d let him put it anywhere. He was Paul (of Paul & Jacob) on The Following, and they were a hot ass couple. The fact that Paul was killed (and that bitch Emma is still alive) is why I quit that show. Dominic is a typical hot bartender. The bridge-and-tunnel cougars are all sniffing around him, the guys are asking him for dating advice, etc. Speaking of bridge-and-tunnel, that brings me to Jessica (Carra) and Fab (Shaw). Jessica is a hot single mom from NJ, in the city to get laid. If she wants that to happen, she needs to straighten her fucking hair. She has a date which goes awry (Kacey: “I hate it when they puke in your stuff.”),and she bumps into Fab. Jess and Fab went to high school together, Fab left, reinvented herself, then returned. Fab is not her name. Fab is a bitch. An in-your-face kind of bitch, who is living for herself.

Ron (Campbell) is the British guy who is like a tech-millionaire who lost it all for whatever reason (don’t remember). He was in Date Movie with Alyson Hannigan (who was in Buffy the Vampire Slayer with Steven M. Porter, who was in Party of Five with Matthew Fox). Ron actually had a date with Jessica, but he threw up in her purse (which she is still carrying several episodes later). But then sparks fly between Ron and Liv (Simses). Liv is a basket case. She is engaged to a piece of steamed broccoli (Jim) that she is apparently marrying because she had nothing better to do. She has one of those baby voices like Macy Gray, so naturally I am waiting for her to start finger banging her own mouth. She is really pretty and also very naive, but she just wants to find love. Most importantly about Liv is that she comes to the bar with Maya.

Maya (Gonzaga) is my girl. First of all, she is a fucking stunner. So beautiful. She is also a bitch, a super fun bitch. She is an attorney and works with Liv. She is cynical. She has a connection with Tom. Their best interaction so far is when Tom’s ex, Laura (Sarah Wright was on Men at Work with James Lesure, who was on Lost with Matthew Fox) turns up at the bar with her new boyfriend. Cal and Bruce start to lose their minds, and try to figure out a way to get Tom out of the bar without running into her. Cal and Bruce are going on and on about how the first post-break up run-in with an ex is so traumatic and how great she looks and how Tom can’t win. Then Maya blurts out, “Please! Chicks are all smoke and mirrors. That’s probably not even her real boyfriend. Look, that’s definitely not her real hair. Trust me, Tom, with a little bit of work we can ruin this chick, and it’ll be great.” My reaction to that would have been, “Make it so.” Tom had no reaction, but Cal & Bruce were on board. Bruce said that before the three of them decide what Tom is going to do, they need to do some recon. Maya takes Tom back to a table and says, “I’m going to teach you how to completely destroy your ex. Ok, first you need to start with a backhanded compliment like, ‘Oh, I’m so glad your eating again.'” YES, bitch! Yes! I want to go out with her and ruin chicks I don’t know! Wouldn’t you?

Mixology was pitched as Lost in a bar. Everyone in the bar seems young, so there aren’t any polar bears. If Sauron’s favorite channel didn’t already have Michael Emerson wrapped up in Person of Interest, I would love to see Benjamin Linus roll into this bar and really jerk some people around.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

It is a very real possibility that this will be cancelled. Mixology premiered in February to 5.2 million viewers, 1.8 share, and a 5 rating. Last week’s episode had 3.6 million viewers, 1.3 share and a 4 rating. Not good. If it does get cancelled, these 13 episodes will be a fun diversion on a rainy day when they come to either Blu-ray, Netflix, or Hulu.

THE GRADE: B+

#SirensUSA

Sirens

THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: EDDIE CIBRIAN

Michael Mosley was in The Proposal with Ylian Alfaro Snyder, who was in Good Deeds with Eddie Cibrian.

Kevin Daniels was in Kate & Leopold with Natasha Lyonne, who was in But I’m A Cheerleader with Eddie Cibrian.

Kevin Bigley was in The Dilemma with Queen Latifah, who was in Living Out Loud with Eddie Cibrian.

Jessica McNamee was in The Vow with Wendy Crewson, who was in What Lies Beneath with Katharine Towne, who was in But I’m A Cheerleader with Eddie Cibrian.

Kelly O’Sullivan was in In Memoriam with Sadie Rogers, who was in Medal of Victory with Richard Riehle, who was in Say It Isn’t So with Eddie Cibrian.

THE PREMISE

A comedy about three Chicago EMT’s who get into all kinds of shenanigans while saving lives.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

IT’S SO CUTE!

These three paramedics are outrageous. First, there is Johnny (Mosley), who is usually the driver. He is kinda hot, and gives me Nick from New Girl. But hotter. He is kinda all-American is his views and demeanor, and interestingly, he is straight but not narrow. His partner, Hank (Daniels), is the black guy. He is a big ol’ queen, and from the stories he tells, he is out trollin’ for dick when he’s not at work. I could have sworn he played a Star Trek before, but I checked, and he hasn’t. And no, I’m not racist. I know not all Star Trek aliens look alike. In the first episode, they get a third guy in the rig, Brian. Brian is a box of fucking rocks, but he’s real cute. When Johnny & Hank are first told about getting a new guy, they were told that he was ex-Navy SEAL. They were like, “Oh, God!”, with the eye-rolling. Then they ask Brian about it, and he’s like, “No, Easter Seals. I volunteer.” Maybe I didn’t do that any justice, but I chuckled.

While Brian is trying to kill himself through his own incompetence, and Hank is dick-hunting, Johnny is pining for his girlfriend, Theresa. She is CPD, and looks like the love child of Jennifer Garner and Kate Beckinsale, with Garner providing all the dominant genes. Her partner is the Old Spice Guy (Isaiah Mustafa was in The Three Stooges with Jackie Flynn, who was in Say It Isn’t So with Eddie Cibrian). Hank is living for Old Spice, but as far as I can tell, he is not a series regular so Hank can keep that horse cock in his pants.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

There are only three reasons. Sirens airs Thursday nights at 10p. You’re either an OU student (so you’re at the bars), a girl (so you’re bawling watching Grey’s Anatomy), or you’re old (Wheel has gone off, so you’re asleep in bed with your teeth out). That is why DVR was invented, so set it up.

THE GRADE: B

#ChrisleyKnowsBest

NUP_158507_0263.jpg

THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: OZZY OSBOURNE

Todd Chrisley would not allow the family to play

THE PREMISE

Reality show starring a rich, Southern real estate mogul who grew up in South Carolina, while his kids grow up weak in Georgia.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

The shit that comes out of Todd Chrisley’s mouth.

Before we get into it, let’s breakdown the family. Todd & Julie Chrisley live in Atlanta, GA, in a 30,000 sq. ft. home near Usher and other celebs. Todd has made most of their money in real estate. Julie has made none of their money, because you know that bitch doesn’t work. They have 5 children: Lindsie, Kyle, Chase, Savannah, and Grayson. Lindsie is blond, pretty from certain angles, but is kinda horsey in general. Kyle is blond, built like a football player, and has a beautiful mixed race baby girl. Chase is a level 5 creeper dying to get laid while serving preppy Boyd Crowder realness . Savannah is also blond, about to turn 16, and has terrible taste in high school boys. Grayson, who is maybe 6, is a little hellion in the making. He doesn’t listen for shit.

Todd is super controlling of his family. They spend $300,000/year on clothes, but he approves every item. He really controls the kids. He has GPS trackers in all of their vehicles (Chase has a white, panty-dropping Ranger Rover, Savannah gets a white Mercedes-Benz E350 drop-top for her 16th birthday), and monitors all of their internet traffic. When he discovered Chase had been looking at porn, he immediately rolled upstairs, found his laptop (under the bathroom sink!), and promptly threw it in the pool. Kyle was caught having an affair with a married woman. Todd sent private security to snatch Kyle up, put his ass on a private plane, and sent him to Samoa for 9 months to do Red Cross relief work. Todd is no fucking joke.

I could go on and on about how great this is, but I will leave you with some choice one-liners from Todd:

“Chase would screw a snake if somebody’d hold it’s head!”

While Chase is looking through Todd’s enormous closet: “Chase, what are you doin’? First of all, this is not retail space for you.”

“You tell bouffant Betty I don’t want her comin’ outta there lookin’ like she’s 25!”

OH, I almost forgot. Todd is gay as all get out. I cannot believe this man has 5 children. I am convinced that Julie suffers from fruit blindness. Todd is launching a department store, Chrisley & Co., because he wants a career in fashion. He went through all this just to become a retail queen!? A faggot will pull a stunt.

THE GRADE: A

#LindsayonOWN

lindsay-logo-own

THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: ANNA NICOLE SMITH

Lindsay Lohan was in Scary Movie 5 with David Zucker, who was in Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult with Anna Nicole Smith.

THE PREMISE

A reality show docu-series that is basically Britney & Kevin: Chaotic but starring Lindsay Lohan.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Why wouldn’t you be?! It is a boring/fascinating look into the staged daily life of LiLo. Two episodes in, not a whole lot has happened. Lindsay is living in a hotel… for 40+ days, while shady landlords give her the run around. She is looking for an apartment, and complains about how living in a hotel brings back a lot of bad memories. No shit, bitch. That’s what happens when you live in a drug den at Chateau Marmont for a year and a half, and have the experience capped off with staff sliding an express checkout bill under the door totaling nearly a million dollars. Do you know how many Marriott points that would have gotten her?! Wasteful. How is she even paying for this hotel, first of all? Secondly, why isn’t she just living with Dina on Long Island while she apartment hunts? Oh, that’s right. Her mom is toxic. Instead, she empties out her storage unit and moves all her shit in with her mom. That is hilarious to me. Oh yeah, by the way, when I say “storage unit” I am really talking about a warehouse full of crates stacked to the ceiling. If Dina has furniture, you can’t see it under all of Lindsay’s shit.

Lindsay finds an apartment, but it takes her like 3 weeks to get keys, and she had to write 5 checks. 5 checks? Do you want to watch me sign lease on TV? You don’t want to watch Lindsay do it either. Her assistant, Matt, looks like he is wearing a rug and is on the verge of suicide. I could not imagine being Lindsay’s assistant. How is she paying him? Trident Layers? Lindsay has a sober coach with her also, and at one point the production asks him if Lindsay is sober, and he doesn’t know. That’s a problem. Of course, the production is put in jeopardy due to Linsday’s unreliability, which forces Oprah to come down from the palace. When Oprah comes to you to check your ass, it’s serious. That’s why I’m watching.

But let’s be honest. This show is about 7 years too late. Like Oprah, I want Lindsay to win. But that is not what I want to watch. Do you remember the picture that went around the world of Lindsay passed out drunk in the front seat of Samantha Ronson’s car? THAT is the Lindsay reality show I want to watch. Irrational drunk screaming at Samantha, shoplifting, car chases, clubs, and cocaine. YAS! But instead, we get to watch her go from fucking D-listed gig to D-Listed gig throwing tantrums, chain smoking cigarettes, and hopping in and out of black SUVs. Oprah’s coming for you, girl.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

Do you want Oprah to come for you, too?

OWN is channel 1170 on U-Verse, 1152 on Time Warner, 279 on DirecTV, and 189 on Dish.

THE GRADE: C+