WHO’S IN IT

Good Looking Guy from Angel, Sherry Woods from Vampire High, Liam from Medium, Dr. Laura Baker from Species 2, Mike Spencer from True Blood, Soldier On Manhattan Bridge from Godzilla, and the cameraman that tried to kill Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard.

THE PREMISE

Sawyer is ex-Delta Force and has a computer chip in his head, so he can surf the internet and shit.

WHAT WORKS

Sawyer’s sweater in the opening scene. It looks really nice. My first thought was J. Crew, then I remembered this is a Hollywood production, so it is probably Armani and costs like 1500 bones. Speaking of sweaters, there was a gorgeous cashmere fair isle sweater at Banana Republic this season that I totally let slip through my fingers! I should have just ordered that fucker. It’s not available anymore. OH, wait! I’m supposed to be talking about Intelligence.

WHAT DOES NOT

An awful lot I’m afraid. First of all, the premise is beyond ludicrous. A man with a microchip in his head that can shop online with his mind? Outrageous. But I guess the chip is really in there so he can fight crime. Fine. It can’t be taken seriously. When they offered this to Sawyer, he should have shaken his head and said, “I haven’t gone through all of my Lost money yet. Pass.” There is a Secret Service bitch involved, and I can’t be bothered to summon up her name. I will refer to her as “SS Bitch” moving forward. She is terrible in every way, and clearly failed all her classes at the Lizzy Keen School of Acting. Second thing working against this show? The writing. In one scene, MARG and Sawyer are talking about some bomber at the Super Bowl. Sawyer commented that he thought CIA was responsible, then MARG has to balls to say “You weren’t cleared to think anything different, until now.” I beg your pardon, bitch? I think you just uttered some piss-poor dialogue. Am I cleared for that? By the way, MARG and Sawyer’s on-screen chemistry, like Halle Berry’s half of the dinner, is ZERO. In another scene, Sawyer and SS Bitch are watching some video footage and some Chinese is spoken. Since Sawyer can access Google Translate with his mind, he was able to translate what was said. SS Bitch is all “you can speak Chinese now?” and Sawyer goes, “I have an app for that.” Did that roll your eye? The dialogue gets so bad, that at one point SS Bitch says “What’s the real on Gabriel’s wife?” The real? Get me the fuck out of here.

I have only seen the pilot, and I have the second episode sitting on the DVR. I am going to watch it, and if there is not marked improvement, I will wipe my ass with this shit show.

THE GRADE: D+ (The + is because Sawyer still looks good)