WHO’S IN IT
You know these hos.
THE PREMISE
Rich bitches playing high school while cameras follow
WHAT IS WORKING SO FAR
The new bitches. Domestic abuse goddess Taylor Armstrong is out, as are Paul Nassif and Mufasa Maloof. In are Carlton Gebbia and Joyce Giraud de Ohoven. Carlton is British, married to some dude and they have 3 kids: Destiny, Mysteri, and Cross. She gets real defensive when it comes to her kid’s names, and I think that’s because she’s knows she fucked up. Mysteri? Unless the mysteri is who her father is, that is bullshit. Carlton’s a straight-shooter though, and she cusses a lot. I like it. Joyce is a former Miss Puerto Rico whose hair icon has to be Crystal Gayle, because that shit is LONG. She is married to a producer who was nominated for an Academy Award for Capote. So we meet the new women when Kyle throws a party after being asked to join the Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce. Wouldn’t you? Carlton and Lisa sniff each other for a minute, then part ways. Joyce I think got a little tipsy, because she and her husband were telling wildly inappropriate stories about themselves. They were talking about sometime when they were shooting something somewhere, and they were there without the kids. The husband was saying nice it was to walk around naked, since the kids weren’t there. I don’t know what Joyce thought was going on, but she basically just kept saying how that was her dick. But she used the word “pee pee.” So, you know… they’re gross. Joyce is really pretty, but she is also giving me LaToya Jackson realness in the face. So picture LaToya Jackson, with Crystal Gayle’s hair, lunging for cock… but classy. Right?!
WHAT’S NOT
The new bitches. Here’s the thing. I am not superficial, but this show is and should be judged as such. As sassy as Carlton is, sometimes she is lit beautifully, and she is kinda pretty. But when she is doing her confessionals, watch the fuck out. Bitch is looking for her Precious because she is serving Gollum realness. She’s just bones and cheek implants it would seem. Also… in one scene this week she was at Kyle’s for lunch with LaToya Gayle and some heifer friend of Kyle’s. A bee lands on the table near Kyle, she has a meltdown, and heifer kills the bee. Carlton was BESIDE herself that she would “do something so horrible.” So, she’s one of those and it is going to be problematic. Carlton is already annoyed with Kyle because at the Chamber party, Carlton was talking about something so boring, that Kyle walked away. In confessional, Carlton was all, “I don’t care if you were bored to death, you don’t walk away. It’s fucking rude.” Now that I think of it, she’s gonna ruffle some feathers and I am into it.
Now let’s talk about Yolanda Foster. Yolanda has Lyme disease all the sudden, and apparently it ruins your hair. She looks like shit. She goes in for some surgery for whatever, and I don’t care about that. What I do care about is why she constantly says, “My disease.” Bitch, you aren’t Lou Gehrig. It’s not your disease. I understand that she probably wants to raise awareness for “her” disease, but Irene from The Real World: Seattle took care of that in 1998.
I almost forgot! At the Chamber party, a tall drunk bitch was in the kitchen with Kim “I’m sober and even more boring than ever” Richards talking about how LaToya’s husband spilled a drink on her dress. This was, of course, my favorite shit stirrer Brandi Glanville. But not to be kicked while she’s down, Scheana walked in and Brandi immediately threw shade at her, which brings me to…
Vanderpump Rules
Which could also be called Listen to Stassi Bitch
WHO’S IN IT
An all-white version of The Help
THE PREMISE
Bravo mind-control
WHAT WORKS
ALL OF IT. Have you seen the show?! It is HIGH drama… all of which is generated by the most self-absorbed, depraved, psychotic cunt I have ever seen on TV. Stassi. She is a complete nightmare, but it is strangely compelling to see what her friends will endure. I could never be her friend. But if I had to be, I would drink almost non-stop to cope. I will hand this to her though, she is a master puppeteer. Jim Henson wishes. Not only do the puppets dance for her, but they service her. She cries at the drop of a hat. Poor Jax has been jerked the fuck around be her. I feel bad for him. Someone, other than a quasi-psychotic meth addict (who quit SUR because she booked We’re the Millers), should tell Jax that he is super hot and could have any number of women and stop dealing with this nightmare. I would rather see Jax get on one of the Tom’s, but that’s just me.
The rest of the cast is just as depraved. Katie, who is doing her best Kate Beckinsale, is a worthless piece of shit. She was fine in season one, but now her hair color can’t be explained and she just sucks. Kristen inexplicably keeps challenging Lisa, perhaps because she has realized that at 30, you might want to get your shit together and not be a whore-y server at a WeHo restaurant who occasionally does photo shoots in the boss’s pool. Kristen is the horse-faced Skeletor who is dating dark-haired Tom who spends more time on his hair than she does. They have been fighting non-stop. Turns out he fucked some VIP hostess in Vegas, and she won’t let him forget it. Um, hello? Tom & Kristen live in a SHITHOLE in West Hollywood, and good VIP hostesses in Vegas make like $200,000/yr. I say get it in, Tom. I just wish it was in Jax. Katie “I should be in Underworld 5” is dating the other Tom. He’s just a nice guy and he is real cute. He is way too hot for Katie.
WHAT DOESN’T
Scheana. She is a “pop star” and a tattle-tale. She is one of those people who, on her birthday, thinks that she controls the entire group in a social setting. If you watched the ensuing blow up between Claire Dane’s cellmate in Thailand, Stassi, and Scheana then you know what I mean. Brandi blew her shit up at the Chamber party because apparently girl fell and knocked out her two-front teeth. Brandi & Scheana are civil, but when Brandi’s drunk ass saw her fucked up tooth, she was like, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOUR TOOTH?!?” all loud and drunk. Luckily, the only person who was in the room, other than 4-yr old Portia, was Kim “I’m white knuckling it” Richards. Then Scheana went outside to ask Lisa about her tooth. “Is my tooth ok?” Lisa, who is a real backhanded compliment style bitch, was like, “It’s fine. What’s wrong? Well, we know it’s not perfect. Brandy is just taking a dig at you.” Um, so are you Lisa. Who was so apparently in it to win it, that she pulled a Marie Osmond-style fainting maneuver while rehearsing with that HOT PIECE on Dancing With the Stars. Have you seen him? Yes, please.
RHoBH: B
Vanderpump: B-
The Letter Grade 