WHO’S IN IT

King Henry VIII from The Tudors, Sir Anthony Strallan from Downton Abbey, Prince William from Will & Kate: Before Happily Ever After, Sir Timothy Midwinter from Lark Rise to Caudleford, and Constable Edie McElroy from Underbelly.

THE PREMISE

Someone pours blood into the mouth of a skeleton in Romania. It comes to life and apparently moves to London and pretends to be an American industrialist named Alexander Grayson.

WHAT WORKS

Changing the fucking channel.

WHAT DOESN’T

Everything. This show is fucking terrible. So terrible, I chose to fall unconscious rather than watch what was happening. Legendary drunkie Jonathan Rhys Meyers plays Alexander Grayson, who is apparently tired of living in the Hamptons with his children, Conrad and Victoria. Oh wait, that’s a different show. So Drac arrives in London and immediately throws a high society party. Xaro Xhoan Daxos from Game of Thrones (or Tank from RockNRolla, whichever you prefer) is his man-servant. Once they started introducing other characters, I thought of a certain movie right away. There were snotty British bitches galore. One was giving me Keira Knightley-lite, another, in the green, was serving cougar cunt realness. There was a hottie, with a tired ass ho. He was Jonathan Harker and she was Mina whatever. Paging The League of Extraordinary Gentleman. “Don’t tell me this is Jonathan Harker’s wife with a sick note!” Turns out she was there in a busted blue monstrosity.

Who cares about the rest? I sure as hell don’t. Dracula airs on Fridays, which means NBC doesn’t give a shit either. A full season pick-up would surprise me, and a season 2 renewal would shock the shit out of me. You have better things to do on a Friday night than to watch this flop sweat. Like switch from wine to tequila like Mama Blanda, then black the fuck out.

THE GRADE: D-