When I first saw a promo for this show over the summer, I was thrilled. Toni Collette and Dylan McDermott! I was in. Then I watched the pilot. This show is terrible, Muriel.

Dylan McDermott is 50 years old. But he still drops panties. Toni Collette has never looked better. So Toni is Elln Sanders, a doctor in DC who has been selected to perform an operation on the President. Dylan is Duncan Carlisle, an FBI agent, who along with Billy from Entourage, decides they are going to take this bitch hostage and coerce her into killing the President during surgery, which is scheduled for the next day. Does that plot sound like it can be sustained over 15 episodes? Hold that thought.

So while they are casing her suburban mansion, one of Dylan’s goons breaks in to the house to install cameras. He does this undisturbed and undetected in broad fucking daylight with a teenage girl and a dog in the house. Really (in Alison Berry’s voice)?! So eventually, the rest of the family comes home. Oh, by the way, Toni’s husband, Brian Sanders, is Jimmy Cooper from The OC. and he is up to no good. The evil doers (its stays) have some shit on Brian, so he tries to convince Ellen that she should do what they want. Which of course is a total 180 from their first conversation about this.

They have two kids, the aforementioned daughter and a son. They are about as exciting as diarrhea. The daughter has some pick-up truck possibly wron side of the tracks boyfriend that she leaves the house to see. One of Duncan’s people follows her to the football field at the high school where she meets pick-up truck. They have a boring conversation, then she gets upset, and gets out of the truck. Meanwhile, walking toward them under the bleachers is lady assassin with a gun in hand and no one sees her. I was ready for her to shoot the boyfriend, as was Duncan, but she didn’t. The son is dealing drugs, and he got busted by the coach with a ton of cash that was supposed to be for booze and fake ID’s. Money gets taken. Drug boss is owed the money, but of course he doesn’t have it and can’t get it to him because he is a hostage. Yawn.

The unsustainable aspect of the premise is this: the day of the President’s surgery, she manages to slip the President blood thinners which make him unfit for surgery so it has to be postponed for two weeks. Is that gonna be her thing? What medical trickery can she pull to keep pushing the surgery back? For 15 episodes? Eventually the hospital would declare her a fucking quack, and she’d be fired. Plus Duncan would have no choice but to start murdering family members to motivate her ass. The worst is at the very end of the episode, when she is doing press to discuss the postponement of the surgery. A reporter asks her something, I can’t even remember what, and Ellen says, “I don’t give up easily.” Then she shoots a look directly into the camera. Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of course Duncan is watching the news conference, and does a “This bitch” face and knows this exercise is going to take a minute. You know that night on CNN, Jane Velez Mitchell and Nancy Grace had a panel of experts wildly speculating about the look she threw into the camera. Any criminal psychologist worth their salt would know some shit is up with Ellen. What isn’t up is the ratings, down 20% in the 18-49 demo in week 3. ‘Murica has spoken. D.

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