So last night, Lifetime aired their newest Liz & Dick called House of Versace. The movie spans ten years, between 1994 & 2004. Has Gina Gershon spent all of her Bound money? Why is she in this? Why? I have to say it was not as bad as I thought it was going to be, but it’s pretty bad. Let’s begin, shall we?

I don’t know if it was just me getting used to the picture on the new LED TV that I just bought or what, because when the movie starts, I thought I was watching an episode of Absolutely Fabulous. It just kinda looked like that. Backstage at a fashion show, I was waiting for Eddie to stumble through the frame wearing some Lacroix nightmare. Dare to dream. I will say that Gina Gershon was probably a good choice to play Donatella, because she already had practice playing Fabia, a Donatella-like fashion designer, in three episodes of Ugly Betty. But the problem I noticed right away, was the accent. Gina seemed to pick and choose how Italian she was going to be at any minute. And when she wasn’t Italian, she either sounded like a Russian madam… or Eartha Kitt. It was so bizarre. Also bizarre, Gina’s mouth. It was beyond joker mouth. She looked like Ida Lowry in Brazil.

Some choice entries in the soundtrack had me flashing back to high school (Snap’s “I’ve Got the Power” and Dee-Lite’s “Groove Is In The Heart”), but it really took a left turn in one particular scene. Gianni (Enrico Colantoni, looking like Gianni in the throes of boredom) is working alone late at night. Up above him, Donatella is lurking. But the music they set this scene to makes it seem like the world’s darkest Chef Boyardee commercial. Whatever, I guess! Otherwise, the movie is about what you expect. There is a great moment when Donatella is told about Gianni’s death and she faints. But she faints in slow-motion, and the only thing I could think of was the cheerleaders lunging for the Spirit Stick that Kirsten Dunst drops at cheer camp. The scene was a dream. The funeral was also a dream because they tried to Forrest Gump-style insert the actors into the actual funeral footage. It was terrible. But then the best thing ever happens to this movie: ENTER RAQUEL WELCH.

I saw paparazzi photos of Raquel last week at the party for this or something, and she looked amazing. Frozen in time in a leopard print disaster. But in this? She looked like lightning had struck her wax figure at Madame Tussaud’s. She was giving total wax monster. I don’t know why Raquel is here either. She just floats in and out of scenes like a phantasm. After Donatella presents her first collection, that ends complete with Donatella’s awkward walk down the catwalk, she goes backstage and then, for no reason, the second best thing ever happens: ENTER ANIMATED BUTTERFLY. Somewhere, Mariah Carey just wet herself. An animated butterfly appears and flies around backstage. As if that isn’t weird enough, not only can Donatella see it, but everyone else backstage can see it too. It makes no fucking sense.

You shouldn’t care about anyone else in this shite. The son gets hot later in the movie, and there is a great scene where Allegra Versace (who should have been played by a Libman Wonder Mop) has her Sue Ellen Ewing moment which was a treat. Bottomline, this movie is straight up fucking garbage. For a Lifetime movie though, B-. A movie anywhere else, D-.