TV NEWS: @Extant_CBS, @BobsBurgersFOX

Extant

The #1 network among Orcs ages 18-49 just threw Extant in the trash after two very low rated seasons. I never finished season 1 because I hated it. I heard they retooled the show for season 2, but as Danimal says, “If it involved retooling, it was garbage to begin with.” Meanwhile, Fox renewed Bob’s Burgers for 2 more seasons. Do you think Halle is at In-N-Out right now eating her feelings, or taking Gabriel Aubry to court for something she thinks he did?

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2014 Wrap-up

The-Flash-The-CW-OctoberMarry-Me

The Flash is a pleasant diversion, but not pleasant enough for me to keep watching it. Flash himself, Barry Allen, is played by Grant Gustin. He is real cute. He was the guy from Dalton (Sebastian Smythe) that was trying to steal Blaine away from Curt on Glee. In the best scene, Blaine’s all “I have a boyfriend” and Sebastian fired back “I don’t care if you don’t care” while giving come hither eyes. He’s so cute. But this show is mediocre at best. I am wondering why Tom Cavanaugh is here. He looks fantastic. Ed hasn’t aged a day. Jesse L. Martin, on the other hand, looks bored as fuck. He left all that good Dick Wolf Law & Order money to land on The CW to do what? To play a fucking cop.

John Wesley Shipp, who was Barry Allen on the 1990 series of the same name, shows up at Barry’s dad. Shipp is also looks pretty good. I was in 9th grade in 1990 and my dad I loved Shipp’s Flash. That show was a fun romp. Why Amazon thinks the only season of it should be more than $40 is beyond me.

The Arrow shows up for a hot minute, and what a hot minute it was. Both of the Amell boys? Meow. But Jesse Martin’s daughter on the show is a mystery. I can’t figure out if she is in high school or college. She was writing a dissertation on something, but then basically asked her dad for permission to go to the mall or some shit with Barry. I don’t get it. Pretty quickly we find out that she is fucking her dad’s partner, so I going with she is in high school. Right?!

THE GRADE: C

Marry Me stars Casey Wilson (Penny of Happy Endings fame) and Ken Marino (of anything his friends put him in fame), and I love them. I thought they could do no wrong. Until this. It’s not their fault though, you can only do so much with a script. Anyway, the show started out promising. In the pilot, Casey’s Annie and Ken’s Jake have just returned home to Chicago after a vacation some place beachy. The conversation quickly turns to how Jake missed probably the best opportunity to propose to her. What started as a breezy, just back from vacay conversation, devolved into a fucking tirade on Annie’s part to beat the band. She started going OFF. She was throwing everybody under the bus: Jake, their friends (Dennah, Gil, Kay), she called Jake’s mom a bitch, and then she just went on and on. Oh by the way, she does all this ranting in the kitchen, with her back to Jake the entire time. Meanwhile, Jake is on one knee with the ring ready. All his attempts to get her to shut her fucking mouth were futile, she just kept spewing. When she finally turns around, there’s Jake still in position, then out from random places in their apartment come Dennah, Gil, Myrna (Jake’s mom, a still looking amazing Jo Beth Williams), and Annie’s dads Kevin (Tim Meadows & Dan Bucatinsky). You don’t know right away that Kay is in the apartment too, but I won’t ruin that for you.

Then episode, after episode, it turned into a cloying, sap fest that turned my stomach and rolled my eye. I have since stopped watching the show, but the last episode I watched had Natasha Leggero guest starring as Dennah’s new cop boyfriend’s (Rob Riggle) partner, Laguna Mattata. I am not kidding. Gil, the loveable fat guy, was like “You’re name is Laguna Mattata?!” to which she says something like “yeah, gotta problem with that civilian?!” Gil then says, “No, its cute in a female authority figure with a gun kind of way” and she responds with “You’re cute too, in an adorable human shield kind of way.” That… cracked me up. But the show is garbage. Don’t. Bother.

THE GRADE: D

Stalker starred Nikita (Maggie Q) and Shelby’s husband Jackson (Dylan McDermott) as some kind of cops. I can’t even be bothered to look it up. We watched one episode I think, maybe 2. In an early scene, there is a male assailant coming for this bitch in an M-class Mercedes SUV. I am pretty sure he had been stalking her and it was about to come to its tragic end. That’s all fine. What I can’t get past is this: if someone pours gasoline on the hood/front end of your SUV and ignites it, your fuel tank AT THE REAR OF THE VEHICLE, is not going to explode. Ever. Hers did, so I quit. This shit was cancelled anyway.

THE GRADE: F

#HowToGetAwayWithMurder

ABC-How-To-Get-Away-With-Murder

THE CAST

Viola Davis is Annalise Keating, a ball-busting power attorney and law school professor serving serious “That is a wig, bitch” eleganza, who really needs to bring everything down a notch.

Billy Brown is local cop Nate Lahey.

Katie Findlay is Gibbins’ across the hall neighbor Rebecca Sutter. She was Rosie Larsen on The Killing. She gives me Blair Waldorf all day long.

Charlie Weber is Annalise’s investigator Frank Delfino. He’s beardy sexy.

Liza Weil also works for Annalise. She’s Bonnie Winterbottom. She. Is. A. BITCH.

Tom Verica is Annalise’s wandering husband Sam.

THE LAW STUDENTS:

Alfred Enoch is wait-listed Wes Gibbins. Alfred has 16 acting credits. Half of them are the Harry Potter films.

Jack Falahee is Connor Walsh, and he can get it. He’s the man-whore of the group.

Aja Naomi King is Michaela Pratt. Michaela is annoying as all get out.

Matt McGorry is Asher Millstone. You’ll know him better as John Bennett, the cute prison guard on Orange Is the New Black.

Karla Souza is Laurel Castillo. She’s the whore of the group.

THE PREMISE

A “suspense-driven” legal thriller about a group of law students and their mysterious criminal defense professor.

LET’S CUT THE SHIT

This show is beyond ludicrous.

Annalise Keating is another strong black woman from Shondaland, and it shows. Annalise is very testosterone-driven and aggressive. Imagine Olivia Pope after a couple cycles of T. She’s hulkish and needs to dial it back a bit. Don’t get me wrong, I love Viola Davis. I am just questioning some of her acting choices here. I agree with Brandy Howard (The People’s Couch) that Viola should be saving that one-tear snot crying for the movies. That is a $10 million cry.

Annalise’s students assist her with cases she is working on. That’s all fine and dandy, but she does not care that they have other classes they should be attending. In fact, we don’t see them in any other classes, and they always complain about the classes they are allegedly missing. The truth of the matter is, none of them will become lawyers. They will all fail out because they are skipping other classes. What they do for Annalise, and what she demands of them, is basically a full-time job. Isn’t it customary at all law schools that students are forbidden from working during their first year? Why wouldn’t Annalise have third-year students working for her? The first-year student with a bachelor’s degree in fashion merchandising from CULA that was a Zeta Lambda Nu sweetheart, president of her sorority, Delta Nu, and last year’s homecoming queen is not going to be providing the quality of assistance that a third-year would. Am I wrong?

Annalise and her husband are both cheating on each other. We find out immediately that she is sleeping with Nate because Mr. Gibbins walks in on Nate feasting on Annalise’s down low parts in her office. Annalise seems like the kind of chick that would slash your tires, baseball bat your windshield and black your eye if you got one text message that you couldn’t explain, yet she is cheating also. In her defense though, Nate could get it.

The only character I care about is Connor. Connor is an unapologetic man-whore who fucks dudes to get what we wants. No shame in her game. Plus he is evil-hot, and I live for that. He should have his own spin-off show called How To Get It In.

I don’t enough about this show to continue though. I had high hopes, then it just got more and more ridiculous. If you are still tolerating it, then good for you. But I am not the one.

THE GRADE: B+ (the pilot); F (every episode since)

 

 

 

#Benched

Benched

THE CAST

Eliza Coupe, who will always be Jane Kerkovich-Williams to me, plays Nina Whitley, a corporate lawyer turned public defender.

Carter McIntyre is Trent Barber, a defense attorney and Nina’s ex-boyfriend.

Jay Harrington is Nina’s coworker, Phil Quinlan. I really wish he would go back to Veridian Dynamics.

Peter Spruyt is Boring Larry. He’s very that.

Oscar Nunez is Carlos, another public defender.

Jolene Purdy is Micah, and she is basically Nina’s assistant.

Fred Melamed is Judge Don Nelson. He also played Judge Alan Karpman on The Good Wife, and Judge Bertram Hill on Law & Order.

THE PREMISE

Nina’s ex-boyfriend get engaged and she loses her job on the same day, and is forced to work as a public defender.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Eliza Coupe.

She is hilarious as Nina. When the show opens, we’re at Nina’s big fancy corporate firm. She is on the phone with Trent being told that he has a new fiance while an office party is about to get underway to announce the newest partner. As if she wasn’t fragile enough already, she gets passed over and Maureen Ponderosa (Catherine Reitman) makes partner. Nina’s shell-shock quickly turns into outrage and she experiences meltdown. She pretty much busts up the place and burns every bridge. The best part is when she mentions that Trent has gotten engaged, and the camera is on just Maureen who says, “Trent’s engaged! How…” and out of nowhere a huge container of candy comes flying towards her and smashes against the wall. It is hilarious.

Nina is completely inept in the courtroom, yet maintains her feelings of superiority over her coworkers. Just imagine all the workplace hijinks that are going to ensue! I also predict a romantic entanglement between Nina and Phil, and rightfully so. Phil is fine. All in all, it’s a cute show. Get into it!

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

It is not Happy Endings or Better Off Ted.

THE GRADE: B+

#Blackish

Blackish-logo

THE CAST

Anthony Anderson is Andre “Dre” Johnson, advertising executive, husband, and father of 4. Whenever I think about Anthony, one of the first things that springs to mind is the scene in Transformers where he says something like, “Nah, man. Freddie’s got 5 blades! That’s some Wolverine shit!”

Tracee Ellis Ross is Dre’s wife, Rainbow. Yes, I know. She is a doctor who needs to get her hair under control. I don’t know her from anything, so I had to look her up. Turns out she was on Girlfriends, in Hanging Up with Lisa Kudrow , and sadly, played Kristin in Lohan overturned vehicle Labor Pains.

Yara Shahidi plays oldest daughter Zoey. Her first acting credit is an episode of Entourage. I don’t remember her in that. I also do not remember her being in Salt, and I sure as shit never watched a single minute of Alex Cross. I do, however, remember that she was in the pilot of Bad Teacher, and she was also “Young Olivia” on Scandal.

Marcus Scribner plays Andre, Jr. He only has 5 credits to his name, and this is his first series. His first role was on Castle in 2010. He was born in 2000, by the way. What did you do when you were 10?

Miles Brown and Marsai Martin play the youngest Johnson children. They are twins. For whatever reason, it took me several episodes to realize that their names are Jack & Diane.

Laurence Fishburne wanders in and out of scenes like he’s in a fugue state as Pops, Dre’s father. He is serving Furious Styles-in-retirement realness.

THE PREMISE

A man struggles to gain a sense of cultural identity while raising his children in a mostly white, upper-middle class neighborhood.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T BE WATCHING

It’s boring.

The acting is fine, and even the premise is quasi-interesting. A rich black family living in a white neighborhood want to hang on to their “blackness” but still be able to use their “white voice.” I get it. My only question is where are the jokes? IMDb describes the pilot like this: Like any parents, Andre “Dre” and Rainbow Johnson want to give their children the best. But their offspring’s childhood is turning out to be much different from theirs. They now realize at least two things: there is a price to pay for giving their children more than what they ever had, and these loving parents are totally unprepared for the fallout. So basically their kids are spoiled, and they cannot handle the demands of such children? Paging The OC, Gossip Girl, 90210, etc. After the pilot aired, we had a conversation with Anthony Anderson on Twitter about the show, and even though we were not giving it any love, he couldn’t have been nicer. He even wished us well in our search for something more to our liking.

The premise of the second episode doesn’t break any new ground either. Rainbow, thinking that Dre is too much of a prude to do so, has “the talk” with Junior much to Dre’s dismay. Not to be outdone, Dre decides to give Junior his version of the talk and shit goes south real quick. Not because Dre’s talk was a disaster, but because it piques Junior’s interest so he begins to bombard Dre with non-stop sex questions. Those questions are where the new ground is broken, however, it wasn’t really enough to hold my interest. That was until I gorged myself on the next 4 episodes in one sitting.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

The LOL’s have arrived.

The quality of the show increases exponentially in the next four episodes. In “The Nod,” Dre tries to explain to Junior why all black men do “the nod” to each other in public, and why he should use it to expand his social circle. Meanwhile, Rainbow wants Diane to be a doctor when she grows up. Diane is not having it, especially since her mom wears the same thing to work everyday. But then Rainbow takes her to work with her one afternoon and Diane witnesses an emergency trauma patient come in bloody as all hell. Lil’ girl is MESMERIZED by all the blood. Paging Dexter Morgan.

“Crazy Mom” is probably my favorite episode so far. Dre agrees to take on Bow’s mom duties for the week, and the overwhelming praise he receives from everyone at the kid’s school goes to his head. His need to outdo everyone quickly escalates to great comedic effect. It is a great episode.”Crime and Punishment” is a should we or should we not spank our children. It is starts when Jack deliberately hides in a clothing rack at a department store and it sends Bow into a frenzy. Jack, by the way, for lack of a better term, is the idiot child. (Zoey is a typical teenage girl, Junior is the kinda naive overachiever, Diane is NOT THE ONE, and then there’s poor Jack). This episode is fine, but then the show brings back the funny with “The Prank King.” The Johnson family have a tradition of pranking each other on Halloween, but that tradition is in jeopardy when the older children balk at pulling pranks. Dre fears it will ruin his holiday fun, so he kicks it into high gear. Probably my second favorite so far.

It is this very reason why I prefer to give a show that has potential three episodes before I review it. I apologize to Anthony Anderson for our initial snap judgment on Black-ish. It’s turning into a very smart, hilarious comedy. Selfie didn’t get three episodes because that was shite from the beginning and even an act of God would not have made that obtuse piece of flotsam any better.

THE GRADE: B+.