WHO’S IN IT?

Fuckin’ NOBODY

THE PREMISE

A based-on-true-events story about legendary traitor Aldrich Ames

WHAT WORKS

WHAT DOESN’T

First of all, the first character we see is Aldrich Ames walking into a restaurant. He looks like the love child of Michael Keaton and Richard Harrow (the man with half a face on Boardwalk Empire), which is NOT the look. He orders a martini straight-up, yet when it arrives, there is an olive in it. That is not straight-up. Then we get to meet the “star” of this show, a CIA employee named Sandy Grimes. Let’s get into Sandy for a moment. She went to the same acting school as Agent Keen from The Blacklist, and she failed all of her classes too. She is fucking terrible. She has a husband and two kids, a teenager and another one. At one point, the teenager comes downstairs in something whorish and both parents object and make her change. When she goes upstairs, Sandy thanks her husband for “having her back.” Did I mention this takes place in 1985? I am pretty sure that was not a saying in 1985. By the way, Sandy looks like a super brokedown Jan to Betty Draper’s Marsha. Bitch is busted.

This show is a fucking turd. The acting, casting, writing, production values, etc. are all bottom-notch. Who wanted this story to be told? Who the fuck paid for this to be told? Timothy Hutton already did a TV movie about this guy in 1998 called Aldrich Ames: The Traitor Within. That was 16 years ago?! Not only is this not timely, it is horrible. The two most eye-rolling scenes, among many, involve our Sandy (you know she auditioned for TNT’s The Looker). After some shit goes down at work, she is at home going through it. And by “going through it” I mean she is standing in front of an open fridge staring into the abyss. Teenager comes downstairs and tells Sandy that she needs some T to the 4th power Y because she wants to go to some party. Without warning, Sandy blurts out “NOT NOW” in a shrill, poorly executed, bark. Teenager walks away, then Sandy looks back into the abyss and says in a near whisper, “That was bad.” Just like this show, bitch.

In an earlier scene, she is at a bar after work (in Panama) blowing off steam… which is a politically correct way of saying bitch is in the sauce. Sandy is sitting at the bar, and a guy (an asset that dies later in the episode that she mourns by staring into the abyss) comes and sits by her and starts chatting her up. I blacked out due to boredom for a second, and when I came to, she was flashing her wedding ring trying to shoo him away. Nobody is clawing to get into this catbox. If they hadn’t already established at the beginning of the episode that she was married, I would have pegged that ring as a decoy to keep unwanted advances away. But look at her! The only thing “advancing” on her is the monster from the Zicam commercials, and he only wants to give her ass a cold.

THE GRADE: F.

UPDATE: This bargain basement shit show was cancelled after two episodes.

The new fall shows are all garbage. Gar. Bage. Even worse, some of these shit ass shows are wasting talent. Here are said shows in no particular order:

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: I understand that Andy Samberg needed a post-SNL vehicle that is more substantial than a two and a half minute obscenity-laden parody song (I’m ready for Shy Ronnie 3, by the way). This shite is fine for him, but not for Andre Braugher. He needs to get the fuck away from this. The premise is fine enough. The casting is mediocre at best. We know what Andy Samberg is capable of, so there are no surprises from him. Terry Crews? No comment. Chelsea Peretti is a horse-faced nightmare with no comic timing. EW dubbed her a breakout. Wrong. The softer looking Michelle Rodriguez girl can’t act for shit. The harder Latina cop that isn’t interested in the naked author from Wanderlust is trying to serve April Ludgate realness. It is nearly spot-on, Shane doesn’t see it, but there is only one April Ludgate. I digress. Andre landed this shite after his ABC show, Last Resort, was cancelled. I actually liked that show. There where some meanwhile’s on that show. Men of A Certain Age was ok, and he was nominated for an Emmy for that. I didn’t watch Homicide: Life on the Street, but I know his performance was dope. I loved Andre in Primal Fear. He is a stellar actor and deserves better than this police captain dealing with Andy Samberg’s antics. Oh yeah, he’s gay too which seems like an after thought. This show is tired. D+.

Mom: I’m sorry, but The House Bunny should not be breathing the same rarefied air as C.J. Cregg. Am I clear? F.

Trophy Wife: I am struggling with this show. I am still watching it, but I am not sure why. The pilot showed potential. So Juna meets then marries Josh Lyman, who was previously married to Dr. Rosen and Ken Marino’s margarita loving wife in Wanderlust (this movie could be my new Flatliners when playing The Kevin Bacon Game!). The adopted Asian kid was bringing the LOL’s, so I was counting on him to do so moving forward. I was mistaken. He isn’t like the becoming-sassier-every-episode-Lily from Modern Family. Malin Akerman is doing an ok job, her BFF is usless, the daughter is already being portrayed by actress #2 (paging Becky Connor), and the son is HIDEOUS. Is that shallow? Maybe, but I feel if I am going to watch a minor, who makes more in a week than I do in a year, they should be good-looking. Anyway, the major wasted talent here is Academy Award winner Marcia Gay Harden. Why is she here? Is her Pollock money gone? She is playing an ultra-bitch, which I am living for, but that bitch would be better utilized somewhere else. Like on The Good Wife. Granted, I loved her $1500/hour lawyer on The Newsroom, but that season is over. Next week should be the last time I watch this show. Also, am I the only one who heard over the summer that Malin had been cast as Pizza Face’s character in a TV version of Bad Teacher? What the fuck happened to that? Even the fat, gross doormat woman from that movie turned up in this show as a teacher during a parent teacher conference. Coindidence? As far as my grade for this show, they have until Wednesday to turn in extra credit, or it fails. PENDING.

The Crazy Ones: I don’t give a shit about this. Mork, Buffy, Bob Benson, and Matthew Campbell? No.

Dads: I don’t really have to comment on what is being wasted here, right? One hint: he’s not on camera.

Super Fun Night: This show is God awful. Rebel Wilson is a movie star here in ‘Murica. She should never have gone to television. She cannot quite drop her accent completely, which I am sure is confusing, off-putting, and infuriating the middle of the country (in that order). Her supporting cast might as well have their faces blurred, because I don’t know who the fuck they are. Except for the Asian girl. She was the Asian crazy down the hall from …Apartment 23. I miss that show. Rebel needs to focus on Pitch Perfect 2: The Quickening. F.

I’ll get to Scandal in a minute.

I wanted to like this show, and I had the highest hopes for it. I loved The Avengers, even though we knew none of stars of it would be on this show. Samuel “I won’t turn down a role” L. Jackson did make a cameo last week. But whatever, I didn’t finish that episode because I quit the show earlier in the viewing. I am also somewhat of a Joss Whedon fan, although I didn’t watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Firefly and I didn’t care for that Dr. Horrible Sing Song thing that NPH did. I suppose with all that being said, I guess I am not really a Joss Whedon fan. Plus, his name is Joss. There is only one Joss, and she fucks for tracks.

Here is my issue with AoS: just about everything. The acting, the writing, cinematography, and even the sound are terrible. The only thing worse than those four is the casting. Clark Gregg’s casting only makes sense. Everyone else? JEE-sus Christ. Cobie Smulders made a cameo in the pilot reprising her character from The Avengers. I don’t watch HIMYM, so I have no fucks to give about her. In every scene, Ming-Na looks like she would rather be anywhere else. I get that her character is reluctant to be back in the field or whatever, but bitch looks BORED. Everyone else in the show seems to have been cast because they have a particular look. The two tech nerds on the show, Frick & Frack (I couldn’t be bothered to retain, much less look up their names), look just like that. Nerds. They are both typically quirky and blah blah blah. Of course there was the requisite scene where the badass/young stud/I work alone-type asked the nerds a question, and they reply in techno-babble to which he responds with, “In English!” I. Fucking. Hate. That. Even worse, the boy nerd says something like, “Do you mean it’s nuclear?” To which Clark Gregg says, “No. [dramatic pause] He means it’s something worse.” Really? Get the fuck out of here. “Take your NADS.” The idea of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: B+. The execution: F.

UPDATE: It turns out ABC is into bestiality scat play, because this horseshit just got a full season pick-up. Do you know who is absolutely thrilled by this news? This bitch: