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Black Sails

Black Sails


Toby Stephens was in The Announcement with Tom Hollander who was in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End with Johnny Depp.

Hannah New will be in Maleficent with Liam McKenna who was in The Libertine with Johnny Depp.

Luke Arnold was in Broken Hill with Timothy Hutton who was in Secret Window with Johnny Depp.

Zach McGowan was in Terminator Salvation with Christian Bale who was in Public Enemies with Johnny Depp.

Tom Hopper was in Saxon with Sue Maund who was in Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street with Johnny Depp.


A pirate show that takes place 20 years before Treasure Island, while trying real hard to not be Pirates of the Caribbean.


Tom Hopper is really hot. But as far as the show is concerned, I couldn’t tell you. I barely made it through the first episode.


The show takes place is 1715… and they use dollars. There were no dollars in 1715.

It feels like Michael Bay (who is a producer of this show) and Jerry Bruckheimer (who produced Pirates) both pitched their ideas to Disney at the same time, Jerry won, so Michael just ripped his shit off and took it to Starz. I am sure there is nothing really wrong with this show… other than it is not compelling. Nothing other than Tom Hopper was interesting to me. I didn’t even wait for Zach McGowan (who has a hot body and a big dick… you saw him serving on Shameless!) to show up before I stopped watching. It’s too bad Spartacus is over because Starz has really been struggling to replace it. Attempt # 1 was DaVinci’s Demons, which is terrible. Black Sails is not much better. I love a good period piece, but this is more like period pussy and I don’t want clown mouth.

THE GRADE: D (only because I am disinterested)

The Assets

the assets


Fuckin’ NOBODY


A based-on-true-events story about legendary traitor Aldrich Ames



First of all, the first character we see is Aldrich Ames walking into a restaurant. He looks like the love child of Michael Keaton and Richard Harrow (the man with half a face on Boardwalk Empire), which is NOT the look. He orders a martini straight-up, yet when it arrives, there is an olive in it. That is not straight-up. Then we get to meet the “star” of this show, a CIA employee named Sandy Grimes. Let’s get into Sandy for a moment. She went to the same acting school as Agent Keen from The Blacklist, and she failed all of her classes too. She is fucking terrible. She has a husband and two kids, a teenager and another one. At one point, the teenager comes downstairs in something whorish and both parents object and make her change. When she goes upstairs, Sandy thanks her husband for “having her back.” Did I mention this takes place in 1985? I am pretty sure that was not a saying in 1985. By the way, Sandy looks like a super brokedown Jan to Betty Draper’s Marsha. Bitch is busted.

This show is a fucking turd. The acting, casting, writing, production values, etc. are all bottom-notch. Who wanted this story to be told? Who the fuck paid for this to be told? Timothy Hutton already did a TV movie about this guy in 1998 called Aldrich Ames: The Traitor Within. That was 16 years ago?! Not only is this not timely, it is horrible. The two most eye-rolling scenes, among many, involve our Sandy (you know she auditioned for TNT’s The Looker). After some shit goes down at work, she is at home going through it. And by “going through it” I mean she is standing in front of an open fridge staring into the abyss. Teenager comes downstairs and tells Sandy that she needs some T to the 4th power Y because she wants to go to some party. Without warning, Sandy blurts out “NOT NOW” in a shrill, poorly executed, bark. Teenager walks away, then Sandy looks back into the abyss and says in a near whisper, “That was bad.” Just like this show, bitch.

In an earlier scene, she is at a bar after work (in Panama) blowing off steam… which is a politically correct way of saying bitch is in the sauce. Sandy is sitting at the bar, and a guy (an asset that dies later in the episode that she mourns by staring into the abyss) comes and sits by her and starts chatting her up. I blacked out due to boredom for a second, and when I came to, she was flashing her wedding ring trying to shoo him away. Nobody is clawing to get into this catbox. If they hadn’t already established at the beginning of the episode that she was married, I would have pegged that ring as a decoy to keep unwanted advances away. But look at her! The only thing “advancing” on her is the monster from the Zicam commercials, and he only wants to give her ass a cold.


UPDATE: This bargain basement shit show was cancelled after two episodes.

Sarah Silverman: We Are Miracles



Rain Robinson from Star Trek: Voyager.


Her first stand-up special for HBO.


Nothing. I laughed once in 50-some minutes.


The jokes.

I think she wanted this to be as funny as Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic. It is not. Jesus Is Magic is genius, and if you are offended by the comment that the best time to have a baby is when you are a black teenager, then it’s not for you. You need to get over yourself. I think all she wanted to do was shock people. I don’t mind being shocked, as long as it’s funny… or actually shocking. The opening bit has her bouncing a tennis ball of off the front of the Largo Theater where this was filmed (in a room that only seats 39). A Boyz N the Hood-style giant convertible full of Mexicans pulls up and talk to her. A joint gets lit, it gets passed to her, then she says, “What do you call a car full of Mexicans? Pains in my ass…. hole.” Red flag.

But I continued to watch. The first story about porn went nowhere, but served as set up for a segue about her mom being in the hospital which I feel was shock attempt #1. “Speaking of men cumming on lady’s faces, my mom’s been sick.” Really? Attempt #2 involved a fictitious University of North Carolina study that found the 9/11 widows gave great handjobs. Attempt #3 was that “rape victims are generally not complainers.” I have two more, but you get the idea. It reeked of desperation. The 39 people in the room were not really buying what she was selling, but it was being filmed, so. It culminated in a song where she sang the word “cunt” 31 times in a row. I was so shocked, my eyes almost rolled out of my face.

I did laugh out loud once, about 19 minutes in. She was talking about Mother Teresa being self-conscious about her thighs. She was turned to the side, presenting the side of her right ass cheek and thigh and Mother Teresa says, “Ok, this is fine. Ok. But then, it’s like, when I clench, it’s all oatmeal.” Other than that, nothing. Not even a grin. The miracle here was she did 55 minutes of stand-up without any jokes.


Total Divas

Total Divas


Big Tim Kingman from Manhunt and a menagerie of slutty “women.”


E! reality show about WWE Divas prepping for Wrestlemania.


Nothing. This is fucking trash.


When I first saw a promo for this over the summer, I remember posting of Facebook that “having not seen a single second of Total Divas, I am pretty sure this show could just be called “Whores.” Well, I have seen a second of the show, and I couldn’t have been more right. This show and these women are absolutely horrible. I couldn’t even make it all the way through the one episode I recorded. I made 4 attempts, and only got about 17 minutes in.

I guess they all work for John Cena, who apparently has gone through all of his The Marine money. Here are the kinds of women we are dealing with. One of the whores comes down to a hotel lobby, where another whore is waiting with her luggage. Approaching whore makes a comment about the red bottoms Louboutin’s lobby whore is wearing. Approaching says, “I want to make sure you don’t walk like a grandma and look stank in them.” Do you know what I’m saying? She did look stank though. Could not walk in them at all. TIRED!

OH WAIT! I do know some of their names! So Trinity (who I am pretty sure was Lobby whore) and Natalya (the Kim Zolciak of the group) had a “match.” Natalya had Trinity in some kind of bullshit hold from behind. But her grip on Trinity was so slight, that she had enough space to stop, bend down a little, twerk, then do a bootie bump into Natalya causing her to lose her grip. Absurd right? Hang on a second. When she did the bump into Natalya, apparently she had a bladder full of piss because she let some out. She was so embarrassed, that she left the ring and went to the bathroom. Trinity went to the bathroom and they proceeded to argue about it. The drama was so manufactured, I couldn’t believe it. They should work at SUR. Oh yeah, by the way, Natalya is built like a fucking dump truck so I don’t understand why she didn’t just rage out of her boots at Trinity. What the fuck ever.

One thing did make me laugh though. The Bella twins were talking shit at some bad red dye job whore that I am sure has a name. Red had a signing to get to, and one of the twins says, “Have fun at your signing! I hope people are there.” What a cunt.





King Henry VIII from The Tudors, Sir Anthony Strallan from Downton Abbey, Prince William from Will & Kate: Before Happily Ever After, Sir Timothy Midwinter from Lark Rise to Caudleford, and Constable Edie McElroy from Underbelly.


Someone pours blood into the mouth of a skeleton in Romania. It comes to life and apparently moves to London and pretends to be an American industrialist named Alexander Grayson.


Changing the fucking channel.


Everything. This show is fucking terrible. So terrible, I chose to fall unconscious rather than watch what was happening. Legendary drunkie Jonathan Rhys Meyers plays Alexander Grayson, who is apparently tired of living in the Hamptons with his children, Conrad and Victoria. Oh wait, that’s a different show. So Drac arrives in London and immediately throws a high society party. Xaro Xhoan Daxos from Game of Thrones (or Tank from RockNRolla, whichever you prefer) is his man-servant. Once they started introducing other characters, I thought of a certain movie right away. There were snotty British bitches galore. One was giving me Keira Knightley-lite, another, in the green, was serving cougar cunt realness. There was a hottie, with a tired ass ho. He was Jonathan Harker and she was Mina whatever. Paging The League of Extraordinary Gentleman. “Don’t tell me this is Jonathan Harker’s wife with a sick note!” Turns out she was there in a busted blue monstrosity.

Dracula - Season 1

Who cares about the rest? I sure as hell don’t. Dracula airs on Fridays, which means NBC doesn’t give a shit either. A full season pick-up would surprise me, and a season 2 renewal would shock the shit out of me. You have better things to do on a Friday night than to watch this flop sweat. Like switch from wine to tequila like Mama Blanda, then black the fuck out.


Wasted Talent in Primetime


The new fall shows are all garbage. Gar. Bage. Even worse, some of these shit ass shows are wasting talent. Here are said shows in no particular order:

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: I understand that Andy Samberg needed a post-SNL vehicle that is more substantial than a two and a half minute obscenity-laden parody song (I’m ready for Shy Ronnie 3, by the way). This shite is fine for him, but not for Andre Braugher. He needs to get the fuck away from this. The premise is fine enough. The casting is mediocre at best. We know what Andy Samberg is capable of, so there are no surprises from him. Terry Crews? No comment. Chelsea Peretti is a horse-faced nightmare with no comic timing. EW dubbed her a breakout. Wrong. The softer looking Michelle Rodriguez girl can’t act for shit. The harder Latina cop that isn’t interested in the naked author from Wanderlust is trying to serve April Ludgate realness. It is nearly spot-on, Shane doesn’t see it, but there is only one April Ludgate. I digress. Andre landed this shite after his ABC show, Last Resort, was cancelled. I actually liked that show. There where some meanwhile’s on that show. Men of A Certain Age was ok, and he was nominated for an Emmy for that. I didn’t watch Homicide: Life on the Street, but I know his performance was dope. I loved Andre in Primal Fear. He is a stellar actor and deserves better than this police captain dealing with Andy Samberg’s antics. Oh yeah, he’s gay too which seems like an after thought. This show is tired. D+.

Mom: I’m sorry, but The House Bunny should not be breathing the same rarefied air as C.J. Cregg. Am I clear? F.

Trophy Wife: I am struggling with this show. I am still watching it, but I am not sure why. The pilot showed potential. So Juna meets then marries Josh Lyman, who was previously married to Dr. Rosen and Ken Marino’s margarita loving wife in Wanderlust (this movie could be my new Flatliners when playing The Kevin Bacon Game!). The adopted Asian kid was bringing the LOL’s, so I was counting on him to do so moving forward. I was mistaken. He isn’t like the becoming-sassier-every-episode-Lily from Modern Family. Malin Akerman is doing an ok job, her BFF is usless, the daughter is already being portrayed by actress #2 (paging Becky Connor), and the son is HIDEOUS. Is that shallow? Maybe, but I feel if I am going to watch a minor, who makes more in a week than I do in a year, they should be good-looking. Anyway, the major wasted talent here is Academy Award winner Marcia Gay Harden. Why is she here? Is her Pollock money gone? She is playing an ultra-bitch, which I am living for, but that bitch would be better utilized somewhere else. Like on The Good Wife. Granted, I loved her $1500/hour lawyer on The Newsroom, but that season is over. Next week should be the last time I watch this show. Also, am I the only one who heard over the summer that Malin had been cast as Pizza Face’s character in a TV version of Bad Teacher? What the fuck happened to that? Even the fat, gross doormat woman from that movie turned up in this show as a teacher during a parent teacher conference. Coindidence? As far as my grade for this show, they have until Wednesday to turn in extra credit, or it fails. PENDING.

The Crazy Ones: I don’t give a shit about this. Mork, Buffy, Bob Benson, and Matthew Campbell? No.

Dads: I don’t really have to comment on what is being wasted here, right? One hint: he’s not on camera.

Super Fun Night: This show is God awful. Rebel Wilson is a movie star here in ‘Murica. She should never have gone to television. She cannot quite drop her accent completely, which I am sure is confusing, off-putting, and infuriating the middle of the country (in that order). Her supporting cast might as well have their faces blurred, because I don’t know who the fuck they are. Except for the Asian girl. She was the Asian crazy down the hall from …Apartment 23. I miss that show. Rebel needs to focus on Pitch Perfect 2: The Quickening. F.

I’ll get to Scandal in a minute.



When I first saw a promo for this show over the summer, I was thrilled. Toni Collette and Dylan McDermott! I was in. Then I watched the pilot. This show is terrible, Muriel.

Dylan McDermott is 50 years old. But he still drops panties. Toni Collette has never looked better. So Toni is Elln Sanders, a doctor in DC who has been selected to perform an operation on the President. Dylan is Duncan Carlisle, an FBI agent, who along with Billy from Entourage, decides they are going to take this bitch hostage and coerce her into killing the President during surgery, which is scheduled for the next day. Does that plot sound like it can be sustained over 15 episodes? Hold that thought.

So while they are casing her suburban mansion, one of Dylan’s goons breaks in to the house to install cameras. He does this undisturbed and undetected in broad fucking daylight with a teenage girl and a dog in the house. Really (in Alison Berry’s voice)?! So eventually, the rest of the family comes home. Oh, by the way, Toni’s husband, Brian Sanders, is Jimmy Cooper from The OC. and he is up to no good. The evil doers (its stays) have some shit on Brian, so he tries to convince Ellen that she should do what they want. Which of course is a total 180 from their first conversation about this.

They have two kids, the aforementioned daughter and a son. They are about as exciting as diarrhea. The daughter has some pick-up truck possibly wron side of the tracks boyfriend that she leaves the house to see. One of Duncan’s people follows her to the football field at the high school where she meets pick-up truck. They have a boring conversation, then she gets upset, and gets out of the truck. Meanwhile, walking toward them under the bleachers is lady assassin with a gun in hand and no one sees her. I was ready for her to shoot the boyfriend, as was Duncan, but she didn’t. The son is dealing drugs, and he got busted by the coach with a ton of cash that was supposed to be for booze and fake ID’s. Money gets taken. Drug boss is owed the money, but of course he doesn’t have it and can’t get it to him because he is a hostage. Yawn.

The unsustainable aspect of the premise is this: the day of the President’s surgery, she manages to slip the President blood thinners which make him unfit for surgery so it has to be postponed for two weeks. Is that gonna be her thing? What medical trickery can she pull to keep pushing the surgery back? For 15 episodes? Eventually the hospital would declare her a fucking quack, and she’d be fired. Plus Duncan would have no choice but to start murdering family members to motivate her ass. The worst is at the very end of the episode, when she is doing press to discuss the postponement of the surgery. A reporter asks her something, I can’t even remember what, and Ellen says, “I don’t give up easily.” Then she shoots a look directly into the camera. Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of course Duncan is watching the news conference, and does a “This bitch” face and knows this exercise is going to take a minute. You know that night on CNN, Jane Velez Mitchell and Nancy Grace had a panel of experts wildly speculating about the look she threw into the camera. Any criminal psychologist worth their salt would know some shit is up with Ellen. What isn’t up is the ratings, down 20% in the 18-49 demo in week 3. ‘Murica has spoken. D.

Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.


I wanted to like this show, and I had the highest hopes for it. I loved The Avengers, even though we knew none of stars of it would be on this show. Samuel “I won’t turn down a role” L. Jackson did make a cameo last week. But whatever, I didn’t finish that episode because I quit the show earlier in the viewing. I am also somewhat of a Joss Whedon fan, although I didn’t watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Firefly and I didn’t care for that Dr. Horrible Sing Song thing that NPH did. I suppose with all that being said, I guess I am not really a Joss Whedon fan. Plus, his name is Joss. There is only one Joss, and she fucks for tracks.

Here is my issue with AoS: just about everything. The acting, the writing, cinematography, and even the sound are terrible. The only thing worse than those four is the casting. Clark Gregg’s casting only makes sense. Everyone else? JEE-sus Christ. Cobie Smulders made a cameo in the pilot reprising her character from The Avengers. I don’t watch HIMYM, so I have no fucks to give about her. In every scene, Ming-Na looks like she would rather be anywhere else. I get that her character is reluctant to be back in the field or whatever, but bitch looks BORED. Everyone else in the show seems to have been cast because they have a particular look. The two tech nerds on the show, Frick & Frack (I couldn’t be bothered to retain, much less look up their names), look just like that. Nerds. They are both typically quirky and blah blah blah. Of course there was the requisite scene where the badass/young stud/I work alone-type asked the nerds a question, and they reply in techno-babble to which he responds with, “In English!” I. Fucking. Hate. That. Even worse, the boy nerd says something like, “Do you mean it’s nuclear?” To which Clark Gregg says, “No. [dramatic pause] He means it’s something worse.” Really? Get the fuck out of here. “Take your NADS.” The idea of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: B+. The execution: F.

UPDATE: It turns out ABC is into bestiality scat play, because this horseshit just got a full season pick-up. Do you know who is absolutely thrilled by this news? This bitch: