#FWBL

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THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: DEIDRE HALL

James Van Der Beek was on Law & Order: Criminal Intent with Billy Wirth, who was on Wiseguys with Deidre Hall.

Majandra Delfino was on Help Me Help You with Steve Bannos, who was on Days of Our Lives with Deidre Hall.

Zoe Lister Jones was on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit with Rhea Perlman, who was on NBC 75th Anniversary Special with Deidre Hall.

Brooklyn Decker was on The League with Alina Foley, who was on Days of Our Lives with Deidre Hall.

Kevin Connolly was on ER with Noah Wyle, who was on NBC 75th Anniversary Special with Deidre Hall.

Rick Donald was on Home and Away with David Jones-Roberts, who was on Days of Our Lives with Deidre Hall.

THE PREMISE

The show follows two couples (one married with kids, the other recently engaged), a guy divorcing, and a single woman who are all friends.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Zoe Lister Jones.

Will (Van Der Beek) and Bobby (Connolly) are both doctors. Bobby is married to Andi (Delfino) who is pregnant with child #2. Will’s wife just left him, apparently took everything, so he is living with Bobby & Andi. Jules (Decker) and Lowell (Donald) have just gotten engaged. Lowell is an Aussie who is giving the poor man’s Curtis Stone realness. Jules is one of those women that becomes the man she is dating. She takes on their lifestyles, habits, food preferences, etc. as her own. In one episode, they all get pizza but Jules & Lowell have some soy bullshit pizza. When Lowell goes to get plates or some shit, Jules leans over to Bobby and says “Let me smell your meat.” That is not the same as “Let Me Smell Yo’ Dick” as she was referring to his pepperoni pizza. Was it funny? No. Everyone has a pretty much cheerful disposition, except for the Andi who is going through the typical sitcom pregnancy issues. She can smell everything! She wants to eat weird shit! She wants to be penetrated until Bobby can’t ejaculate anymore! They are not breaking new ground here.

However, the spinster of the group is where its at. Her name is Kate (Lister). Kate is serving Whitney Cummings realness… except she’s pretty. Lister was even on an episode of Whitney! She is the dark cloud to all of their sunshine. EW slammed the show because they felt that Lister’s tone was so disparate from the rest of the cast that she sticks out like a sore thumb and ruins the dynamic. I completely disagree. Van Der Beek and Donald are eye candy only as far as I am concerned. Bobby and Andi could fucking disappear for all I care. They are useless. Kate rains on every parade, and not in a Debbie Downer kind of way but in an awesome bitch kind of way. If you haven’t noticed, I love bitches. So naturally I think that Kate should have a talk show, that airs right after Pam (yes, Pam from True Blood needs a talk show and everyone wants the post-Pam time slot). Kate is deadpan, and bitchy and I am living for her. “So I said to my assistant, ‘If you’re going to have a c-section, have it on the weekend.'”

I am sorry, but I have to digress for a moment. While writing this review, a commercial came on for those Magnum chocolate ice cream bars. First of all, that is a horrible name for ice cream. Magnum? Am I the only one that thinks that it is frozen semen wrapped in chocolate? What bothers me the most is the fact that Rachel Bilson is the face of this mess. Why is Summer Roberts hawking ice cream? Has she blown through all of her Jumper money? Furthermore, why in the fuck did Karl Lagerfeld shoot the print campaign for this? Karl hates fat people, so why would he be involved with an ice cream campaign? Plus Summer doesn’t like look the type of girl who would hop out of her car and run to the truck in the middle of traffic to have an ice cream. The DirecTV marionette girlfriend with the lemonade is more believable.

Ok, back on track. Kate is the shit, so get the fuck into it.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

As I said before, Bobby and Andi are useless. The problem is Will is living with them, so most of the show takes place in their house. They really have nothing to offer. I liked E on Entourage, until that show became so fucking boring that I quit it years before it ended. Unfortunately, E brought that boredom with him.

THE GRADE: B

#Mixology

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THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: MATTHEW FOX

Craig Frank was on Weeds with Marcus Toji, who was on Party of Five with Matthew Fox.

Ginger Gonzaga was on Legit with DJ Qualls, who was on Lost with Matthew Fox.

Blake Lee was on Parks & Recreation with Jim O’Heir, who was on Party of Five with Matthew Fox.

Kate Simses was on Wedding Band with Harold Perrineau, who was on Lost with Matthew Fox.

Vanessa Lengies was on Ratz with Dolores Drake, who was on Party of Five with Matthew Fox.

Adam Campbell was on Touch with Said Taghmaoui, who was on Lost with Matthew Fox.

Alexis Carra was on Bones with TJ Thyne, who was on Party of Five with Matthew Fox.

Adan Canto was on The Following with Maggie Grace, who was on Lost with Matthew Fox.

Andrew Santino was on The Office with Josh Groban, who was on The 32nd Annual American Music Awards with Matthew Fox.

Frances Shaw was on CSI: NY with Eddie Cahill, who was on Haunted with Matthew Fox.

THE PREMISE

It takes place on one night in a bar where 10 singles are getting sloppy and looking for love.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Maya.

Let’s break down the singles, shall we?

First up is Cal (Frank). Cal’s name might as well be Token as far as I am concerned. He’s cute enough, but Jesus he is boring. He really brings nothing to the table, so we’ll move on. Cal is at the bar with two of his buddies, Tom & Bruce. Tom (Lee) is a boy-next door type who is giving Colin-Hanks-meets-a-lamppost realness. He is a romantic in a very naive, aw shucks kind of way. Bruce (Santino), on the other hand, is a pussy hound who just wants to get it in. I also think I am detecting a slight personality disorder from him. But he’s fun. Up next is Kacey (Lengies), who is a cocktail server at the bar. You’ll know this girl the moment you see her. She uttered one of the most immortal lines in cinema history… from Stick It: “It’s not called ‘gym-nice-tics.'” Yes, that bitch. Kacey is from the same small fictitious town in Ohio as Cal. She’s a box of fucking rocks. Her and Cal try to get something going (which is unprofessional girl because she is at work), but she can’t stop fucking on the bartender, Dominic.

Take one look at Dominic (Canto), and you’ll be on board. You’d let him put it anywhere. He was Paul (of Paul & Jacob) on The Following, and they were a hot ass couple. The fact that Paul was killed (and that bitch Emma is still alive) is why I quit that show. Dominic is a typical hot bartender. The bridge-and-tunnel cougars are all sniffing around him, the guys are asking him for dating advice, etc. Speaking of bridge-and-tunnel, that brings me to Jessica (Carra) and Fab (Shaw). Jessica is a hot single mom from NJ, in the city to get laid. If she wants that to happen, she needs to straighten her fucking hair. She has a date which goes awry (Kacey: “I hate it when they puke in your stuff.”),and she bumps into Fab. Jess and Fab went to high school together, Fab left, reinvented herself, then returned. Fab is not her name. Fab is a bitch. An in-your-face kind of bitch, who is living for herself.

Ron (Campbell) is the British guy who is like a tech-millionaire who lost it all for whatever reason (don’t remember). He was in Date Movie with Alyson Hannigan (who was in Buffy the Vampire Slayer with Steven M. Porter, who was in Party of Five with Matthew Fox). Ron actually had a date with Jessica, but he threw up in her purse (which she is still carrying several episodes later). But then sparks fly between Ron and Liv (Simses). Liv is a basket case. She is engaged to a piece of steamed broccoli (Jim) that she is apparently marrying because she had nothing better to do. She has one of those baby voices like Macy Gray, so naturally I am waiting for her to start finger banging her own mouth. She is really pretty and also very naive, but she just wants to find love. Most importantly about Liv is that she comes to the bar with Maya.

Maya (Gonzaga) is my girl. First of all, she is a fucking stunner. So beautiful. She is also a bitch, a super fun bitch. She is an attorney and works with Liv. She is cynical. She has a connection with Tom. Their best interaction so far is when Tom’s ex, Laura (Sarah Wright was on Men at Work with James Lesure, who was on Lost with Matthew Fox) turns up at the bar with her new boyfriend. Cal and Bruce start to lose their minds, and try to figure out a way to get Tom out of the bar without running into her. Cal and Bruce are going on and on about how the first post-break up run-in with an ex is so traumatic and how great she looks and how Tom can’t win. Then Maya blurts out, “Please! Chicks are all smoke and mirrors. That’s probably not even her real boyfriend. Look, that’s definitely not her real hair. Trust me, Tom, with a little bit of work we can ruin this chick, and it’ll be great.” My reaction to that would have been, “Make it so.” Tom had no reaction, but Cal & Bruce were on board. Bruce said that before the three of them decide what Tom is going to do, they need to do some recon. Maya takes Tom back to a table and says, “I’m going to teach you how to completely destroy your ex. Ok, first you need to start with a backhanded compliment like, ‘Oh, I’m so glad your eating again.'” YES, bitch! Yes! I want to go out with her and ruin chicks I don’t know! Wouldn’t you?

Mixology was pitched as Lost in a bar. Everyone in the bar seems young, so there aren’t any polar bears. If Sauron’s favorite channel didn’t already have Michael Emerson wrapped up in Person of Interest, I would love to see Benjamin Linus roll into this bar and really jerk some people around.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

It is a very real possibility that this will be cancelled. Mixology premiered in February to 5.2 million viewers, 1.8 share, and a 5 rating. Last week’s episode had 3.6 million viewers, 1.3 share and a 4 rating. Not good. If it does get cancelled, these 13 episodes will be a fun diversion on a rainy day when they come to either Blu-ray, Netflix, or Hulu.

THE GRADE: B+

#Resurrection / #Believe

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WHY I CAN’T BE BOTHERED

Neither show had a very interesting premise. Resurrection is manipulative, and Believe feels like pandering. One is dead people coming back to life out of nowhere, and the other is Jean Grey: The Formative Years. Do either sound interesting? No. If you want dead people to come back, and be interesting, you bury them in Pet Semetary. Who doesn’t want Gage to slice their Achilles tendon with an Exacto knife? Jean Grey is the weakest X-Men character (second only to Storm as played by Halle Berry), so who wants to watch her Wonder Years? Not this bitch.

Resurrection stars Ruth Dewitt Bukater (yes, mother of Rose Dewitt Bukater), Juliet Darling (or Anna Stern depending on your preference), Red Forman, and per The Chew, screen “legend” Omar Epps. That’s a joke, right? Believe stars Special Agent Dale Cooper (aka Trey McDougal, aka Orson Hodge), Ed “Braz” Brazzleton (aka Latimer King, aka Det. Roland Castlebach), and that Asian bitch from The Real World: Seattle. How fucking weird is all of that?

Are you as bored as I am with these two? Thank goodness.

THE GRADES: F.

#Cosmos

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THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: MIKE TYSON

Neil deGrasse Tyson was on Good Morning Today with Fred Willard, who was on D.C. Follies with Mike Tyson

THE PREMISE

Science is cool.

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH

If you watch The Science Channel or Nat Geo, hungover on a Sunday, for hours on end then you know most of this already. If not, tune in.

WHY I’M NOT WATCHING IT

I have watched The Science Channel AND Nat Geo for hours at a stretch. I know this shit already.

Cosmos is as informative as it is ludicrous. Seth MacFarlane is a producer of this (which shocked the shit out of me). Why? Has he blown through all his Ted money? He must still be trying to live out his childhood Star Wars fantasies, because when Tyson first takes off in his “Ship of the Imagination,” I thought, “Boba Fett is gonna be pissed!” Then we get a different angle, and the ship is a chrome sliver of a thing that looks like the love child of Queen Amidala’s personal shuttle and a cyclops. The ship seems like a very expensive and unnecessary effect. And I don’t know whose imagination this ship sprang from, but they are about as imaginative as a piece of toast. The ship of my imagination would have warp capabilities, be heavily armed, and generally be badass like Admiral Janeway’s shuttle in the finale of Star Trek: Voyager. This ship just wills itself through space, into various atmospheres, and to all kinds of ocean depths with no change in configuration. Tyson is in a furniture-less room, alone, with a panoramic window. Speaking of Voyager, I still maintain that the first hour of Cosmos is just an in-depth look at Voyager’s opening credits. I know I am focusing too much on the “technology” in the show. Build a bridge. Don’t sci-fi me with some shit, then make it completely absurd. The cosmic radiation alone would have killed Tyson before he ever reached Mars. Guess they didn’t want to show a dead body touring the solar system… right, George Clooney?

THE GRADE: B-

#SirensUSA

Sirens

THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: EDDIE CIBRIAN

Michael Mosley was in The Proposal with Ylian Alfaro Snyder, who was in Good Deeds with Eddie Cibrian.

Kevin Daniels was in Kate & Leopold with Natasha Lyonne, who was in But I’m A Cheerleader with Eddie Cibrian.

Kevin Bigley was in The Dilemma with Queen Latifah, who was in Living Out Loud with Eddie Cibrian.

Jessica McNamee was in The Vow with Wendy Crewson, who was in What Lies Beneath with Katharine Towne, who was in But I’m A Cheerleader with Eddie Cibrian.

Kelly O’Sullivan was in In Memoriam with Sadie Rogers, who was in Medal of Victory with Richard Riehle, who was in Say It Isn’t So with Eddie Cibrian.

THE PREMISE

A comedy about three Chicago EMT’s who get into all kinds of shenanigans while saving lives.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

IT’S SO CUTE!

These three paramedics are outrageous. First, there is Johnny (Mosley), who is usually the driver. He is kinda hot, and gives me Nick from New Girl. But hotter. He is kinda all-American is his views and demeanor, and interestingly, he is straight but not narrow. His partner, Hank (Daniels), is the black guy. He is a big ol’ queen, and from the stories he tells, he is out trollin’ for dick when he’s not at work. I could have sworn he played a Star Trek before, but I checked, and he hasn’t. And no, I’m not racist. I know not all Star Trek aliens look alike. In the first episode, they get a third guy in the rig, Brian. Brian is a box of fucking rocks, but he’s real cute. When Johnny & Hank are first told about getting a new guy, they were told that he was ex-Navy SEAL. They were like, “Oh, God!”, with the eye-rolling. Then they ask Brian about it, and he’s like, “No, Easter Seals. I volunteer.” Maybe I didn’t do that any justice, but I chuckled.

While Brian is trying to kill himself through his own incompetence, and Hank is dick-hunting, Johnny is pining for his girlfriend, Theresa. She is CPD, and looks like the love child of Jennifer Garner and Kate Beckinsale, with Garner providing all the dominant genes. Her partner is the Old Spice Guy (Isaiah Mustafa was in The Three Stooges with Jackie Flynn, who was in Say It Isn’t So with Eddie Cibrian). Hank is living for Old Spice, but as far as I can tell, he is not a series regular so Hank can keep that horse cock in his pants.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

There are only three reasons. Sirens airs Thursday nights at 10p. You’re either an OU student (so you’re at the bars), a girl (so you’re bawling watching Grey’s Anatomy), or you’re old (Wheel has gone off, so you’re asleep in bed with your teeth out). That is why DVR was invented, so set it up.

THE GRADE: B

#ChrisleyKnowsBest

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THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: OZZY OSBOURNE

Todd Chrisley would not allow the family to play

THE PREMISE

Reality show starring a rich, Southern real estate mogul who grew up in South Carolina, while his kids grow up weak in Georgia.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

The shit that comes out of Todd Chrisley’s mouth.

Before we get into it, let’s breakdown the family. Todd & Julie Chrisley live in Atlanta, GA, in a 30,000 sq. ft. home near Usher and other celebs. Todd has made most of their money in real estate. Julie has made none of their money, because you know that bitch doesn’t work. They have 5 children: Lindsie, Kyle, Chase, Savannah, and Grayson. Lindsie is blond, pretty from certain angles, but is kinda horsey in general. Kyle is blond, built like a football player, and has a beautiful mixed race baby girl. Chase is a level 5 creeper dying to get laid while serving preppy Boyd Crowder realness . Savannah is also blond, about to turn 16, and has terrible taste in high school boys. Grayson, who is maybe 6, is a little hellion in the making. He doesn’t listen for shit.

Todd is super controlling of his family. They spend $300,000/year on clothes, but he approves every item. He really controls the kids. He has GPS trackers in all of their vehicles (Chase has a white, panty-dropping Ranger Rover, Savannah gets a white Mercedes-Benz E350 drop-top for her 16th birthday), and monitors all of their internet traffic. When he discovered Chase had been looking at porn, he immediately rolled upstairs, found his laptop (under the bathroom sink!), and promptly threw it in the pool. Kyle was caught having an affair with a married woman. Todd sent private security to snatch Kyle up, put his ass on a private plane, and sent him to Samoa for 9 months to do Red Cross relief work. Todd is no fucking joke.

I could go on and on about how great this is, but I will leave you with some choice one-liners from Todd:

“Chase would screw a snake if somebody’d hold it’s head!”

While Chase is looking through Todd’s enormous closet: “Chase, what are you doin’? First of all, this is not retail space for you.”

“You tell bouffant Betty I don’t want her comin’ outta there lookin’ like she’s 25!”

OH, I almost forgot. Todd is gay as all get out. I cannot believe this man has 5 children. I am convinced that Julie suffers from fruit blindness. Todd is launching a department store, Chrisley & Co., because he wants a career in fashion. He went through all this just to become a retail queen!? A faggot will pull a stunt.

THE GRADE: A

#LindsayonOWN

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THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: ANNA NICOLE SMITH

Lindsay Lohan was in Scary Movie 5 with David Zucker, who was in Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult with Anna Nicole Smith.

THE PREMISE

A reality show docu-series that is basically Britney & Kevin: Chaotic but starring Lindsay Lohan.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Why wouldn’t you be?! It is a boring/fascinating look into the staged daily life of LiLo. Two episodes in, not a whole lot has happened. Lindsay is living in a hotel… for 40+ days, while shady landlords give her the run around. She is looking for an apartment, and complains about how living in a hotel brings back a lot of bad memories. No shit, bitch. That’s what happens when you live in a drug den at Chateau Marmont for a year and a half, and have the experience capped off with staff sliding an express checkout bill under the door totaling nearly a million dollars. Do you know how many Marriott points that would have gotten her?! Wasteful. How is she even paying for this hotel, first of all? Secondly, why isn’t she just living with Dina on Long Island while she apartment hunts? Oh, that’s right. Her mom is toxic. Instead, she empties out her storage unit and moves all her shit in with her mom. That is hilarious to me. Oh yeah, by the way, when I say “storage unit” I am really talking about a warehouse full of crates stacked to the ceiling. If Dina has furniture, you can’t see it under all of Lindsay’s shit.

Lindsay finds an apartment, but it takes her like 3 weeks to get keys, and she had to write 5 checks. 5 checks? Do you want to watch me sign lease on TV? You don’t want to watch Lindsay do it either. Her assistant, Matt, looks like he is wearing a rug and is on the verge of suicide. I could not imagine being Lindsay’s assistant. How is she paying him? Trident Layers? Lindsay has a sober coach with her also, and at one point the production asks him if Lindsay is sober, and he doesn’t know. That’s a problem. Of course, the production is put in jeopardy due to Linsday’s unreliability, which forces Oprah to come down from the palace. When Oprah comes to you to check your ass, it’s serious. That’s why I’m watching.

But let’s be honest. This show is about 7 years too late. Like Oprah, I want Lindsay to win. But that is not what I want to watch. Do you remember the picture that went around the world of Lindsay passed out drunk in the front seat of Samantha Ronson’s car? THAT is the Lindsay reality show I want to watch. Irrational drunk screaming at Samantha, shoplifting, car chases, clubs, and cocaine. YAS! But instead, we get to watch her go from fucking D-listed gig to D-Listed gig throwing tantrums, chain smoking cigarettes, and hopping in and out of black SUVs. Oprah’s coming for you, girl.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

Do you want Oprah to come for you, too?

OWN is channel 1170 on U-Verse, 1152 on Time Warner, 279 on DirecTV, and 189 on Dish.

THE GRADE: C+

 

 

TV News

Eye - Lord of the Rings

Sauron’s favorite network just renewed 17 more shows for next season. The most important of which are The Good Wife and Elementary.

The rest I don’t give a shit about, but here they are: NCIS: Los Angeles, Person of Interest, Criminal Minds, CSI, Hawaii Five-0, Blue Bloods, 2 Broke Girls, Mike & Molly, Mom, The Millers, Two & A Half Men, The Amazing Race, 60 Minutes, Undercover Boss, & 48 Hours.

 

About A Boy

About A Boy

THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: HUGH GRANT

David Walton was in Break Point with J.K. Simmons, who was in The Reluctant Professor with Hugh Grant.

Minnie Driver was in Phantom of the Opera with Paul Brooke, who was in The Lair of the White Worm with Hugh Grant.

Benjamin Stockham was in Quarantine with Bernard White, who was in American Dreamz with Hugh Grant.

Al Madrigal was in Lies & Illusions with Christian Slater, who was in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves with Alan Rickman, who was in Sense & Sensibility with Hugh Grant.

Annie Mumolo was in Bewitched with Heather Burns, who was in Two Weeks Notice with Hugh Grant.

THE PREMISE

Based on the movie of the same name, the show centers on the relationship between a single bachelor and the single-mom and her 11-year old son living next door.

WHAT WORKS

The chemistry between Will (Walton) and Marcus (Stockham). Their relationship had to be believeable and relatable, otherwise this show would just be called Sandusky’s Place. Do you know what I’m saying?

We first meet Will trying to get on Leslie Bibb (who was Confessions of a Shopaholic with Ashley Klein, who was in Did You Hear About the Morgans? with Hugh Grant) after meeting her on the street trying to get her cello (yeah, right) out of her car. Will was on the trolley with his BFF (Madrigal, giving Josh Flagg realness), and he jumps off when sees Bibb. Will greets her by saying, “Cello” instead of “Hello” which is GROSS. Then she throws herself at him after he spoonfed her a bowl of bullshit (about having a son named Jonah who went to Africa to cure his leukemia) in a group meeting for single parents (I think?!). She gets a phone call in the middle of sexy time, and bounces. He runs out in an open button-down and tighty-whiteys. Meow. Meanwhile, Fiona (Driver) and Marcus are moving in. At first sight, Marcus is giving serious androg-o-fem and I wasn’t on board. Fast-forward to Marcus being introduced to Bibb as Jonah. While Will is hugging “Jonah”, Marcus whispers in his ear, “I own you.” Completely on board.

The show is really cute, not in a manipulative way, and I am loving it so far. It kinda want to watch the movie again to compare. Will is so adorable, Marcus is awesome, and it keeps getting better. Lil’ Jon showed up in episode 2! YEAH!! I did have one complaint (besides “Cello”)…

WHAT DOESN’T

Minnie Driver needs to bring it down a notch.

Her performance in the pilot is almost too shrill to be believed. My guess is someone at the network agreed, but she gets better each week. Don’t get me wrong, I love Minnie Driver. I wish The Riches was still on. Actually, I take that back. There is no way those gypsy grifters would still be getting away with being the Riches 6 years later. They would be out of storylines and it probably would have turned into Moonraker or some shit. Besides, if it were still on, Cael wouldn’t be over on Shameless being America’s Next Top Bottom for Ian!

THE GRADE: A-