This Bitch


Ladies of London


Caroline Stanbury is the richest one, and she looks like a monster. Have you ever seen Krull? She looks like the Beast.

Annabelle Nielson was the muse of Alexander McQueen. She is bringing narcoleptic Emily Mortimer realness to the table.

Juliet Angus, much to my chagrin, is not an heiress to a beef fortune. She’s an American and kinda reminds me of Meg Tilly (remember her?!). She has partied with Lohan, so you know she is a fan of Lohan powder.

Noelle Reno, also an American, is at the nadir of her gold digging game and looks like a broke down Lindsay Bluth.

Marissa Hermer, also from the US, gives me Amber Tamblyn all day long.

Caprice is also from America, but has lived in London for 20 years or some shit. She is known by just her first name ( in a very Jordan kind of way).


A reality show that follows some American and British bitches navigating the British social scene.


Bravo’s mind control is strong. You can easily get sucked into a marathon of this, because watching these British bitches look down their noses and the American girls is super entertaining. It is all done so politely. It’s great. You’ll be on the edge of your seat waiting to see when Caprice’s face is going to collapse, if Annabelle is going to be thrown off a horse, and how wide Caroline can open her mouth when she unhinges her jaw to eat an assistant.


You won’t give two shits about any of these people.

THE GRADE: any day of the week: D; hungover on a Sunday: B




Lindsay Lohan was in Scary Movie 5 with David Zucker, who was in Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult with Anna Nicole Smith.


A reality show docu-series that is basically Britney & Kevin: Chaotic but starring Lindsay Lohan.


Why wouldn’t you be?! It is a boring/fascinating look into the staged daily life of LiLo. Two episodes in, not a whole lot has happened. Lindsay is living in a hotel… for 40+ days, while shady landlords give her the run around. She is looking for an apartment, and complains about how living in a hotel brings back a lot of bad memories. No shit, bitch. That’s what happens when you live in a drug den at Chateau Marmont for a year and a half, and have the experience capped off with staff sliding an express checkout bill under the door totaling nearly a million dollars. Do you know how many Marriott points that would have gotten her?! Wasteful. How is she even paying for this hotel, first of all? Secondly, why isn’t she just living with Dina on Long Island while she apartment hunts? Oh, that’s right. Her mom is toxic. Instead, she empties out her storage unit and moves all her shit in with her mom. That is hilarious to me. Oh yeah, by the way, when I say “storage unit” I am really talking about a warehouse full of crates stacked to the ceiling. If Dina has furniture, you can’t see it under all of Lindsay’s shit.

Lindsay finds an apartment, but it takes her like 3 weeks to get keys, and she had to write 5 checks. 5 checks? Do you want to watch me sign lease on TV? You don’t want to watch Lindsay do it either. Her assistant, Matt, looks like he is wearing a rug and is on the verge of suicide. I could not imagine being Lindsay’s assistant. How is she paying him? Trident Layers? Lindsay has a sober coach with her also, and at one point the production asks him if Lindsay is sober, and he doesn’t know. That’s a problem. Of course, the production is put in jeopardy due to Linsday’s unreliability, which forces Oprah to come down from the palace. When Oprah comes to you to check your ass, it’s serious. That’s why I’m watching.

But let’s be honest. This show is about 7 years too late. Like Oprah, I want Lindsay to win. But that is not what I want to watch. Do you remember the picture that went around the world of Lindsay passed out drunk in the front seat of Samantha Ronson’s car? THAT is the Lindsay reality show I want to watch. Irrational drunk screaming at Samantha, shoplifting, car chases, clubs, and cocaine. YAS! But instead, we get to watch her go from fucking D-listed gig to D-Listed gig throwing tantrums, chain smoking cigarettes, and hopping in and out of black SUVs. Oprah’s coming for you, girl.


Do you want Oprah to come for you, too?

OWN is channel 1170 on U-Verse, 1152 on Time Warner, 279 on DirecTV, and 189 on Dish.







Greg Kinnear was in Ghost Town with Ricky Gervais who was in Spy Kids: All the Time in the World in 4D with Joel McHale.

Necar Zadegan was in Unthinkable with Carrie-Ann Moss who was in Mini’s First Time with Joel McHale.

Tara Summers was in Alfie with Sondra James who was in What’s Your Number? with Joel McHale.

Omar J. Dorsey was in School for Scoundrels with Aziz Ansari who was in What’s Your Number? with Joel McHale.

John Ortiz was in Fast & Furious 6 with Shea Whigham who was in Lords of Dogtown with Joel McHale.

Miranda Otto was in Flight of the Phoenix with Giovanni Ribisi who was in Ted with Joel McHale.


Keegan Deane is a defense attorney, and a huge fucking mess.


Keegan’s depravity. This man is a straight up alcoholic, compulsive gambler, and womanizer. Immediately we find out he is in to his bookie for like $60G’s, he hasn’t paid his assistant in weeks, and he crashes at his friend’s place (Ben) who has a wife (Scarlet) and two kids! He is a defense attorney in Los Angeles… don’t they have money?? Oh wait, how can you have any money when you gamble it all away every week, then spend whatever money you have left kickin’ it with a $500/hr prostitute?! That is Keegan Deane. If he could get his shit together, he would be an excellent attorney. But who wants to watch a show about that?

My favorite thing so far is Keegan comes into possession of an enormous bluefin tuna, and his assistant says that she knows a restaurant that would pay like $25,000 for it. Since his bookie’s enforcer keeps coming around looking for money, he needs to sell this fish. But he is working on a case, so he has his assistant dragging this fish, in a giant cooler, all over town. I thought it was funny, because by the end, that shit would have rancid as all get out. So he couldn’t sell it, so he grilled that bitch. Enforcer comes by (mind you, at his buddies house with his family) and has some tuna instead of beating the shit out of Keegan. Doesn’t that sound fun? In one scene, Keegan is talking to an ex-Amish girl (who was living with 3 Amish men on trial for attempted murder) who was pretty hot. Keegan tell her that she should think about modeling, then tells her, “Your parents must have been beavers, because DAMN.” That was fun.


If you owed someone $60,000, a piece of fish is not going to stop them from getting in that ass until they get paid. You know what I mean? It’s a tad unrealistic, and they haven’t really reinvented with wheel with Keegan’s character flaws. What has bugged me the most so far is the wife of the friend. She is a prosecutor, and sometimes goes up against Kee in court. That’s fine. But in episode 3 (I think), not only does she let Kee take her kids to school in her car (he gets pulled over, the kids don’t make it to school), she reveals a ludicrous secret that comes right out of left field. Ben & Scarlet decide to renew their vows or some horseshit, and Kee and Scarlet are outside the house talking about it, and suddenly, she can’t go through with it because Keegan used to penetrate her back in the day, and now she wants some more. This from the woman who in the first episode was pissed that Keegan crashed in their kitchen, AND had brought some bar trash back to their house for fucky fucky times in the kid’s bedroom!! He’s lying through his teeth about it while Scarlet watches the ho climbing over the fence out back. That is not someone that you go back to, am I right?


The Blacklist



Alan Shore from Boston Legal, Claire from Step Up Revolution, Mike from Homeland, Farber from Dirt, Commander Lock from The Matrix Reloaded, and Dr. Banerjee from Alcatraz.


Raymond “Red” Reddington is a former government agent, who went rogue, became a criminal and eluded capture for decades. One day he decides to turn himself in to the FBI, and offers to help them catch a super criminal of the week, but on one condition. He will only talk to Elizabeth “Liz” Keen, who basically just graduated from FBI school.


The show is entertaining enough that I am going to watch the entire season. James Spader looks like he is having a ball as Red. He is rocking fedoras and chewing scenery like there is no tomorrow. The chemistry between everyone on the show is pretty good, except for Liz. We’ll get to her in a minute. The plots are sometimes outrageous. In “The Stewmaker”, the baddie of the week is an old guy who puts people in motel bathrooms, dissolves them in the tub, and rinses them down the drain. Here’s the thing, I get that people can be dissolved. But I am pretty sure that the chemicals that achieve that would wreak havoc on a fiberglass tub. Not in this show. The acting is pretty good and the writing is fine. The casting is on point. Ryan Eggold, who plays Liz’s shady husband Tom, is hotter than ever. But he is also giving me Steve/Jimmy from Shameless realness. Parminder Nagra is basically playing the same character she did in Alcatraz, except she is FBI rather than a doctor. It’s just fine though, she plays the role well.


Liz. Red calls her Lizzy, and she is a basic bitch. The actress that plays her is terrible. My guess was that this was her first role, because her acting skills are right on par with a Ziploc bag. A Ziploc bag with dead fucking eyes. I didn’t recognize her from anything, so when I looked her up on IMDb, imagine my surprise to discover the she has 16 credits to her name! The highlights? The Cleaner, My Bloody Valentine, Sex and the City 2, and Step Up Revolution. Know what I’m saying? Red also seems to be able to recall hundreds of important details at the drop of a hat. We are supposed to believe that he can remember that there is going to be an incident in the park today? I call bullshit on that. I can barely remember what I had for dinner yesterday, yet he knows what any given terrorist is going to do in any given week? I don’t think so, buddy. Of course, we are in store for 22 weeks of him knowing every step of the bad guy’s plan which he will relay to that basic bitch he is working with. Ugh. Speaking of basic bitches, in this week’s episode, “Gina Zanetakos”, Gina herself is played by Amanda Clark from Revenge. I hated her on Revenge. She didn’t deserve to have Jack’s baby. She talks like her mouth is wired shut, and I wish it fucking was. There is also side plot involving Lizzy husband, Tom, not being who he says he is. Red told Lizzy that Gina was Tom’s lover, which means that Tom really has a type doesn’t he? I was intrigued by this plot at the beginning, but now I find it tiresome. It seems like he is being set up to look like he is something that he isn’t. Yawn. Honestly, who in the real world, would give a shit about this couple? I am certain that question has the same answer as Rachel Reilly asking who wants to see her HOH room. NOBODY.




OK. Let’s talk about Scandal. Initially I resisted the show, but not for any particular reason. Everyone who knows us knows that we watch a shitload of television. A quick check of the Series Manager on our DVR lists 66 shows. The premise of the show was not that interesting to me, and at that time I think we were trying to cut down on shows. When the water cooler talk had become deafening, and after Entertainment Weekly did a cover story about, I decided to take a peek.  Season 2 was in the middle of airing when we jumped onto to Netflix and streamed Season 1. We sped through those 7 episodes, then got a week long free trial of Hulu Plus and watched the 16 episodes that had aired and finished the remainder of Season 2 on DVR. Scandal is a guilty pleasure, however…

I have issues with this show.

First, you can tell that this is a show created and written by a black woman for a black woman. Gladiator in a suit?! I know you don’t think a white bitch made that shit up. There is a lot of blacting. A lot. All courtesy of Kerry Washington and Columbus Short. Columbus lays it on thick, especially with that “gladiator in a suit” bullshit. Kerry only has few tools in her bag of tricks, and they have worn out their fucking welcome. She wants to be looked at. Whenever Huck goes off the rails (which is often), she always grabs him with both hands, does a half-cry/half crazy eyes face and says, “Huck, look at me.” Olivia, your face doesn’t calm nerves, it frays them. Whenever she is alone with the President, all she can say is, “Don’t do this”, “We can’t do this”, and “Stop.” Olivia is a cock tease and if I were Fitz I would have told that bitch to kick rocks years ago.

Speaking of the President, can she please stop fucking saying it? “I am not having an affair with THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.” “He’s THE PRESIDENT.” “You are THE PRESIDENT.” Bitch, he knows that. But not to be outdone, everyone around and including the President has a fondness for calling him “The Leader of the Free World.” “I’m the leader of the free world and I can’t get a cheeseburger?” “Sir, you are the leader of the free world, you can’t be having an affair.” It goes on and fucking on.

What’s with all the shots being filmed through beveled glass? I don’t need double vision. It adds nothing to the show whatsoever. What it does is disorient me when I watch the show wasted. Fun it is not.

Why does it sound like paparazzi cameras during scene transitions and fades in and out of commercial? That would make more sense for Dirt than this.

Scandal has moved quickly through almost every storyline except for one, Quinn. Why did they drag on the “who is she really?” for so damn long? She wasn’t even that interesting to begin with. The only Quinn I care about looks like her guardian angel didn’t stop her from destroying that… item.

The gay couple are caricatures. They are completely unbelievable. Cyrus, THE PRESIDENT’S Chief of Staff, is as abrasive as he is grotesque. His journalist husband, James (Dan Bucatinsky, who just won a Guest Actor in a Drama Series Emmy last month), is a fucking push-over. Cyrus jerks him around and emotionally manipulates him like there is no tomorrow. Manipulation is a scalpel, not a club. Yet Cyrus wields like a kid who’s just found his dad’s gun. Besides, James is way too hot for Cyrus. They would never be a couple in real life. James is an aging twink, and Cyrus is a troll.

I’m not all piss and vinegar when it comes to Scandal. There are some things in the plus column. Let’s start with Abby, the ginger-ess that works for Olivia. I am living for her. Season 1 was all about her attitude and smart ass remarks. Season 2 she was all about getting serviced by David Rosen. Now, in Season 3, it seems someone sent her to the L’Oreal Paris make-up room and the Garnier hair salon, because her new hair and makeup situation is on point.

Can we get into the First Lady for the moment? Until now, she has always been Ellen Darling to me. I didn’t care for Mellie at first, but then she brought out that inner cunt, and she is SERVING it. I love a good bitch, and she is delivering like Domino’s. She will stop at nothing to keep Fitz in the White House and it is very entertaining to watch. If they would just restyle her slightly, she would be everything.

Speaking of everything, in episode 2, Olivia is carrying a fierce ass black Prada bag (from 2005). I would try to shove my laptop into it just so I could carry it. “Is that a woman’s purse you’re carrying?” No, it’s Prada. B-


UPDATE: I neglected to mention this season’s new phrase of hyperbole, that I am sure will be said in every episode:  “The Most Infamous Woman in the World.” Puh-lease.

House of Versace


So last night, Lifetime aired their newest Liz & Dick called House of Versace. The movie spans ten years, between 1994 & 2004. Has Gina Gershon spent all of her Bound money? Why is she in this? Why? I have to say it was not as bad as I thought it was going to be, but it’s pretty bad. Let’s begin, shall we?

I don’t know if it was just me getting used to the picture on the new LED TV that I just bought or what, because when the movie starts, I thought I was watching an episode of Absolutely Fabulous. It just kinda looked like that. Backstage at a fashion show, I was waiting for Eddie to stumble through the frame wearing some Lacroix nightmare. Dare to dream. I will say that Gina Gershon was probably a good choice to play Donatella, because she already had practice playing Fabia, a Donatella-like fashion designer, in three episodes of Ugly Betty. But the problem I noticed right away, was the accent. Gina seemed to pick and choose how Italian she was going to be at any minute. And when she wasn’t Italian, she either sounded like a Russian madam… or Eartha Kitt. It was so bizarre. Also bizarre, Gina’s mouth. It was beyond joker mouth. She looked like Ida Lowry in Brazil.

Some choice entries in the soundtrack had me flashing back to high school (Snap’s “I’ve Got the Power” and Dee-Lite’s “Groove Is In The Heart”), but it really took a left turn in one particular scene. Gianni (Enrico Colantoni, looking like Gianni in the throes of boredom) is working alone late at night. Up above him, Donatella is lurking. But the music they set this scene to makes it seem like the world’s darkest Chef Boyardee commercial. Whatever, I guess! Otherwise, the movie is about what you expect. There is a great moment when Donatella is told about Gianni’s death and she faints. But she faints in slow-motion, and the only thing I could think of was the cheerleaders lunging for the Spirit Stick that Kirsten Dunst drops at cheer camp. The scene was a dream. The funeral was also a dream because they tried to Forrest Gump-style insert the actors into the actual funeral footage. It was terrible. But then the best thing ever happens to this movie: ENTER RAQUEL WELCH.

I saw paparazzi photos of Raquel last week at the party for this or something, and she looked amazing. Frozen in time in a leopard print disaster. But in this? She looked like lightning had struck her wax figure at Madame Tussaud’s. She was giving total wax monster. I don’t know why Raquel is here either. She just floats in and out of scenes like a phantasm. After Donatella presents her first collection, that ends complete with Donatella’s awkward walk down the catwalk, she goes backstage and then, for no reason, the second best thing ever happens: ENTER ANIMATED BUTTERFLY. Somewhere, Mariah Carey just wet herself. An animated butterfly appears and flies around backstage. As if that isn’t weird enough, not only can Donatella see it, but everyone else backstage can see it too. It makes no fucking sense.

You shouldn’t care about anyone else in this shite. The son gets hot later in the movie, and there is a great scene where Allegra Versace (who should have been played by a Libman Wonder Mop) has her Sue Ellen Ewing moment which was a treat. Bottomline, this movie is straight up fucking garbage. For a Lifetime movie though, B-. A movie anywhere else, D-.