Really?

Intelligence

Intelligence

WHO’S IN IT

Good Looking Guy from Angel, Sherry Woods from Vampire High, Liam from Medium, Dr. Laura Baker from Species 2, Mike Spencer from True Blood, Soldier On Manhattan Bridge from Godzilla, and the cameraman that tried to kill Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard.

THE PREMISE

Sawyer is ex-Delta Force and has a computer chip in his head, so he can surf the internet and shit.

WHAT WORKS

Sawyer’s sweater in the opening scene. It looks really nice. My first thought was J. Crew, then I remembered this is a Hollywood production, so it is probably Armani and costs like 1500 bones. Speaking of sweaters, there was a gorgeous cashmere fair isle sweater at Banana Republic this season that I totally let slip through my fingers! I should have just ordered that fucker. It’s not available anymore. OH, wait! I’m supposed to be talking about Intelligence.

WHAT DOES NOT

An awful lot I’m afraid. First of all, the premise is beyond ludicrous. A man with a microchip in his head that can shop online with his mind? Outrageous. But I guess the chip is really in there so he can fight crime. Fine. It can’t be taken seriously. When they offered this to Sawyer, he should have shaken his head and said, “I haven’t gone through all of my Lost money yet. Pass.” There is a Secret Service bitch involved, and I can’t be bothered to summon up her name. I will refer to her as “SS Bitch” moving forward. She is terrible in every way, and clearly failed all her classes at the Lizzy Keen School of Acting. Second thing working against this show? The writing. In one scene, MARG and Sawyer are talking about some bomber at the Super Bowl. Sawyer commented that he thought CIA was responsible, then MARG has to balls to say “You weren’t cleared to think anything different, until now.” I beg your pardon, bitch? I think you just uttered some piss-poor dialogue. Am I cleared for that? By the way, MARG and Sawyer’s on-screen chemistry, like Halle Berry’s half of the dinner, is ZERO. In another scene, Sawyer and SS Bitch are watching some video footage and some Chinese is spoken. Since Sawyer can access Google Translate with his mind, he was able to translate what was said. SS Bitch is all “you can speak Chinese now?” and Sawyer goes, “I have an app for that.” Did that roll your eye? The dialogue gets so bad, that at one point SS Bitch says “What’s the real on Gabriel’s wife?” The real? Get me the fuck out of here.

I have only seen the pilot, and I have the second episode sitting on the DVR. I am going to watch it, and if there is not marked improvement, I will wipe my ass with this shit show.

THE GRADE: D+ (The + is because Sawyer still looks good)

 

Sarah Silverman: We Are Miracles

Sarah.Silverman.We.Are.Miracles

WHO’S IN IT

Rain Robinson from Star Trek: Voyager.

PREMISE

Her first stand-up special for HBO.

WHAT WORKED

Nothing. I laughed once in 50-some minutes.

WHAT DIDN’T

The jokes.

I think she wanted this to be as funny as Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic. It is not. Jesus Is Magic is genius, and if you are offended by the comment that the best time to have a baby is when you are a black teenager, then it’s not for you. You need to get over yourself. I think all she wanted to do was shock people. I don’t mind being shocked, as long as it’s funny… or actually shocking. The opening bit has her bouncing a tennis ball of off the front of the Largo Theater where this was filmed (in a room that only seats 39). A Boyz N the Hood-style giant convertible full of Mexicans pulls up and talk to her. A joint gets lit, it gets passed to her, then she says, “What do you call a car full of Mexicans? Pains in my ass…. hole.” Red flag.

But I continued to watch. The first story about porn went nowhere, but served as set up for a segue about her mom being in the hospital which I feel was shock attempt #1. “Speaking of men cumming on lady’s faces, my mom’s been sick.” Really? Attempt #2 involved a fictitious University of North Carolina study that found the 9/11 widows gave great handjobs. Attempt #3 was that “rape victims are generally not complainers.” I have two more, but you get the idea. It reeked of desperation. The 39 people in the room were not really buying what she was selling, but it was being filmed, so. It culminated in a song where she sang the word “cunt” 31 times in a row. I was so shocked, my eyes almost rolled out of my face.

I did laugh out loud once, about 19 minutes in. She was talking about Mother Teresa being self-conscious about her thighs. She was turned to the side, presenting the side of her right ass cheek and thigh and Mother Teresa says, “Ok, this is fine. Ok. But then, it’s like, when I clench, it’s all oatmeal.” Other than that, nothing. Not even a grin. The miracle here was she did 55 minutes of stand-up without any jokes.

GRADE: F.

Almost Human Update

Four episodes have aired. This show is going down the shitter real quick.

That banter that I thought would be great between Kennex and Dorian has become grating. Any chemistry they had at the onset has vanished. Dorian is still working those blue face lights for dear life. The writing has been atrocious, as has the pacing. In the third episode, “Are You Receiving”, some thugs take some hostages in a building downtown. They are holding them on the 25th floor. Kennex and Dorian are shown security footage that shows the bad guys are clearly on the 25th floor. Do they beeline for that floor? Fuck no. They slowly clear each floor on their way up. And by clear each floor, the look through a window in the door then keep going. It takes more than half the show for them to get anywhere near the 25th floor. Of course, the Angry Executive fully objects to them being the only cops in the building. Of course the bad guys said “No cops.”

Poor Andy Bellefleur showed up in last week’s episode about a possible dirty cop and a drug called The Bends. I had the fucking bends after watching this episode. It’s not great. Since November sweeps is over, I am curious to see what Fox is going to do. “The Bends” was seen by 5.896 million viewers, landing the show in 9th place for the night.

I am not liking the direction the show is heading. If it gets any worse, I’ll quit this shit and let you know.

CURRENT GRADE: D+

Masters of Sex

MoS

WHO’S IN IT

Lucian from Underworld, Janice from Mean Girls, Epperly from Gossip Girl, Shaun from Fired Up!, Beau from The Red Pony.

THE PREMISE

Drama about the lives and relationships of William Masters and Virginia Johnson, pioneers of the science of human sexuality.

WHAT WORKS

Almost everything so far. The casting, the acting, and the writing are very good so far. I love Lizzy Caplan and will follow her anywhere. She’s Casey from Party Down for God’s sake! So Michael Sheen is Dr. William Masters, a stuffy, married, out of touch OB/GYN at a teaching hospital in St. Louis. Very accomplished. His wife, Libby, looks right out of Mad Men. If I had my way, she would be Betty Draper. Libby seems like she could take the Hammaconda in a way that January Jones couldn’t. All Libby wants is to have a baby. Women of the ’50’s and their stupid fucking dreams. Bill and Libby are trying to get pregnant but with no success. Separate twin beds might have something to do with it. Bill has Libby convinced that the difficulty with conception lies with her. He is a fucking monster in this regard, because he puts her through the medical ringer attempting to determine a solution for her infertility. He is the one shooting blanks. His younger colleague, Ethan, knows this and is caring for his wife, but does not tell her. Virginia, Bill’s assistant, is a single mom, who is light years ahead of her time. Ethan is hot. Virginia knows it, and she fucks the shit out of that fool. He’s smitten, and she just wanted service. They are friends in her eyes, he doesn’t get it. There is a lot of sex in this show. SHOCK! But it’s tasteful! Beau Bridges is the closet case provost that won’t allow Bill to do his sex study in the hospital. So initially he is forced to do it in a whorehouse. They aren’t in Texas, so Dolly isn’t there. Frowny face. But you know who is there? Maggie Sheffield from The Nanny, and she looks like what I imagine Kim Kardashian’s pussy looks like. Beat. The. Fuck. Up. See?

Maggie Sheffield

WHAT DOESN’T

The pacing. Sometimes this show moves so fucking slow, I’m so bored I could die (then Kristen Johnston falls out the window at Candy Bergen’s party, you know what I’m talking about). I don’t mind something that moves slow, as long as it is compelling. The Wire, anyone? They can’t seem to fill the entire 50-some odd minutes with interesting material. The sex scenes would be more compelling if I were straight. They did get some gays in the study for a hot minute, and it was a hot minute and I was wide awake for that. But remember the time period, so they were booted as deviants. Whatever! My hope is that the pacing improves or more interesting things start to happen. Otherwise, I’ll just watch Kinsey once a week. That movie was fucking good.

THE GRADE: B+