WHO’S IN IT

Big Tim Kingman from Manhunt and a menagerie of slutty “women.”

THE PREMISE

E! reality show about WWE Divas prepping for Wrestlemania.

WHAT WORKS

Nothing. This is fucking trash.

WHAT DOESN’T

When I first saw a promo for this over the summer, I remember posting of Facebook that “having not seen a single second of Total Divas, I am pretty sure this show could just be called “Whores.” Well, I have seen a second of the show, and I couldn’t have been more right. This show and these women are absolutely horrible. I couldn’t even make it all the way through the one episode I recorded. I made 4 attempts, and only got about 17 minutes in.

I guess they all work for John Cena, who apparently has gone through all of his The Marine money. Here are the kinds of women we are dealing with. One of the whores comes down to a hotel lobby, where another whore is waiting with her luggage. Approaching whore makes a comment about the red bottoms Louboutin’s lobby whore is wearing. Approaching says, “I want to make sure you don’t walk like a grandma and look stank in them.” Do you know what I’m saying? She did look stank though. Could not walk in them at all. TIRED!

OH WAIT! I do know some of their names! So Trinity (who I am pretty sure was Lobby whore) and Natalya (the Kim Zolciak of the group) had a “match.” Natalya had Trinity in some kind of bullshit hold from behind. But her grip on Trinity was so slight, that she had enough space to stop, bend down a little, twerk, then do a bootie bump into Natalya causing her to lose her grip. Absurd right? Hang on a second. When she did the bump into Natalya, apparently she had a bladder full of piss because she let some out. She was so embarrassed, that she left the ring and went to the bathroom. Trinity went to the bathroom and they proceeded to argue about it. The drama was so manufactured, I couldn’t believe it. They should work at SUR. Oh yeah, by the way, Natalya is built like a fucking dump truck so I don’t understand why she didn’t just rage out of her boots at Trinity. What the fuck ever.

One thing did make me laugh though. The Bella twins were talking shit at some bad red dye job whore that I am sure has a name. Red had a signing to get to, and one of the twins says, “Have fun at your signing! I hope people are there.” What a cunt.

GRADE: F

WHO’S IN IT

King Henry VIII from The Tudors, Sir Anthony Strallan from Downton Abbey, Prince William from Will & Kate: Before Happily Ever After, Sir Timothy Midwinter from Lark Rise to Caudleford, and Constable Edie McElroy from Underbelly.

THE PREMISE

Someone pours blood into the mouth of a skeleton in Romania. It comes to life and apparently moves to London and pretends to be an American industrialist named Alexander Grayson.

WHAT WORKS

Changing the fucking channel.

WHAT DOESN’T

Everything. This show is fucking terrible. So terrible, I chose to fall unconscious rather than watch what was happening. Legendary drunkie Jonathan Rhys Meyers plays Alexander Grayson, who is apparently tired of living in the Hamptons with his children, Conrad and Victoria. Oh wait, that’s a different show. So Drac arrives in London and immediately throws a high society party. Xaro Xhoan Daxos from Game of Thrones (or Tank from RockNRolla, whichever you prefer) is his man-servant. Once they started introducing other characters, I thought of a certain movie right away. There were snotty British bitches galore. One was giving me Keira Knightley-lite, another, in the green, was serving cougar cunt realness. There was a hottie, with a tired ass ho. He was Jonathan Harker and she was Mina whatever. Paging The League of Extraordinary Gentleman. “Don’t tell me this is Jonathan Harker’s wife with a sick note!” Turns out she was there in a busted blue monstrosity.

Who cares about the rest? I sure as hell don’t. Dracula airs on Fridays, which means NBC doesn’t give a shit either. A full season pick-up would surprise me, and a season 2 renewal would shock the shit out of me. You have better things to do on a Friday night than to watch this flop sweat. Like switch from wine to tequila like Mama Blanda, then black the fuck out.

THE GRADE: D-

When I first saw a promo for this show over the summer, I was thrilled. Toni Collette and Dylan McDermott! I was in. Then I watched the pilot. This show is terrible, Muriel.

Dylan McDermott is 50 years old. But he still drops panties. Toni Collette has never looked better. So Toni is Elln Sanders, a doctor in DC who has been selected to perform an operation on the President. Dylan is Duncan Carlisle, an FBI agent, who along with Billy from Entourage, decides they are going to take this bitch hostage and coerce her into killing the President during surgery, which is scheduled for the next day. Does that plot sound like it can be sustained over 15 episodes? Hold that thought.

So while they are casing her suburban mansion, one of Dylan’s goons breaks in to the house to install cameras. He does this undisturbed and undetected in broad fucking daylight with a teenage girl and a dog in the house. Really (in Alison Berry’s voice)?! So eventually, the rest of the family comes home. Oh, by the way, Toni’s husband, Brian Sanders, is Jimmy Cooper from The OC. and he is up to no good. The evil doers (its stays) have some shit on Brian, so he tries to convince Ellen that she should do what they want. Which of course is a total 180 from their first conversation about this.

They have two kids, the aforementioned daughter and a son. They are about as exciting as diarrhea. The daughter has some pick-up truck possibly wron side of the tracks boyfriend that she leaves the house to see. One of Duncan’s people follows her to the football field at the high school where she meets pick-up truck. They have a boring conversation, then she gets upset, and gets out of the truck. Meanwhile, walking toward them under the bleachers is lady assassin with a gun in hand and no one sees her. I was ready for her to shoot the boyfriend, as was Duncan, but she didn’t. The son is dealing drugs, and he got busted by the coach with a ton of cash that was supposed to be for booze and fake ID’s. Money gets taken. Drug boss is owed the money, but of course he doesn’t have it and can’t get it to him because he is a hostage. Yawn.

The unsustainable aspect of the premise is this: the day of the President’s surgery, she manages to slip the President blood thinners which make him unfit for surgery so it has to be postponed for two weeks. Is that gonna be her thing? What medical trickery can she pull to keep pushing the surgery back? For 15 episodes? Eventually the hospital would declare her a fucking quack, and she’d be fired. Plus Duncan would have no choice but to start murdering family members to motivate her ass. The worst is at the very end of the episode, when she is doing press to discuss the postponement of the surgery. A reporter asks her something, I can’t even remember what, and Ellen says, “I don’t give up easily.” Then she shoots a look directly into the camera. Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of course Duncan is watching the news conference, and does a “This bitch” face and knows this exercise is going to take a minute. You know that night on CNN, Jane Velez Mitchell and Nancy Grace had a panel of experts wildly speculating about the look she threw into the camera. Any criminal psychologist worth their salt would know some shit is up with Ellen. What isn’t up is the ratings, down 20% in the 18-49 demo in week 3. ‘Murica has spoken. D.