One Less Show

Black Sails

Black Sails


Toby Stephens was in The Announcement with Tom Hollander who was in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End with Johnny Depp.

Hannah New will be in Maleficent with Liam McKenna who was in The Libertine with Johnny Depp.

Luke Arnold was in Broken Hill with Timothy Hutton who was in Secret Window with Johnny Depp.

Zach McGowan was in Terminator Salvation with Christian Bale who was in Public Enemies with Johnny Depp.

Tom Hopper was in Saxon with Sue Maund who was in Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street with Johnny Depp.


A pirate show that takes place 20 years before Treasure Island, while trying real hard to not be Pirates of the Caribbean.


Tom Hopper is really hot. But as far as the show is concerned, I couldn’t tell you. I barely made it through the first episode.


The show takes place is 1715… and they use dollars. There were no dollars in 1715.

It feels like Michael Bay (who is a producer of this show) and Jerry Bruckheimer (who produced Pirates) both pitched their ideas to Disney at the same time, Jerry won, so Michael just ripped his shit off and took it to Starz. I am sure there is nothing really wrong with this show… other than it is not compelling. Nothing other than Tom Hopper was interesting to me. I didn’t even wait for Zach McGowan (who has a hot body and a big dick… you saw him serving on Shameless!) to show up before I stopped watching. It’s too bad Spartacus is over because Starz has really been struggling to replace it. Attempt # 1 was DaVinci’s Demons, which is terrible. Black Sails is not much better. I love a good period piece, but this is more like period pussy and I don’t want clown mouth.

THE GRADE: D (only because I am disinterested)

Killer Women

Killer Women


Tricia Helfer was on Dark Blue with LaMonica Garrett who was on The Game with Brandy.

Marc Blucas was on Necessary Roughness with Carissa Capobianco who was on The Game with Brandy.

Michael Trucco was on The Parkers with Yvette Wilson who was on Moesha with Brandy.


Caprica 6 is Parker, Texas Ranger.


Nothing. This shit is terrible. ABC knows it too. They just announced that they have shortened the length of the show’s season, because they are moving up the premiere of Mind Games from March 11 to February 25. Cancellation is imminent. The premiere scored a craptastic 0.86 rating in the 18-49 demo, and fell to 0.7 in week 2. To give you some perspective, Moonshiners, on at the same time over on the Discovery channel, beat this show with a .99 (NCIS on CBS won the night with a 2.93). I don’t think even executive producer Sofia Vergara’s big ass titties can save this show. Who told her she should produce a TV show anyway? You know it was Salma Hayek! You know it!!


I don’t even know where to begin.

Let me just say this. So, in the opening sequence, Rodney Ruxin’s wife is vogue-charging into a church during a wedding in a whore-red dress. Not a single person sitting in the church noticed. Not one. But they sure as shit noticed when she walked up to the bride and straight-up blasted her in the head with a .38! Then she just bounced out. Church full of fucking people, and girl just dips. Later in the episode, Parker Texas Ranger is interrogating Mrs. Ruxin and she utters this gem: “My training and my instincts tell me you are lying.” Then 6 gets a DEA agent she is fucking to use his connections to go down to Mexico to save Lady Ruxin’s grandmother and daughter.  At first he was thought she was crazy, then says “if we go, we go it alone!” What the fuck for?! It is so fucking stupid. The kicker comes immediately after he agrees to this fool’s errand and he says to her, “There’s an excellent chance we’re going to die in Mexico tonight.” Really, fool? You went to Mexico with the fucking star of the show, so we know you aren’t going to die. This show is dead on arrival, but I’ll watch the second episode because I want to know what one step below rock bottom looks like.


New Girl

New Girl


Elena from Veronica’s Closet, Janitor from The Great Sketch Experiment, Larissa from Kevin Hill, Victor from Undressed, and Little David from Urban Ground Squirrels.


A quirky girl moves into an LA loft with three dudes and, allegedly, hilarity ensues.


Jess and Schmidt.

I loved this show when it first started. It was funny and new with great performances from Zooey Deschanel and Max Greenfield. At first, the show was all about Jess. That was fine, at first. The best decision the producers made was allowing to characters around her to grow and shift the focus a little. I love Schmidt. He is the best character on the show. The television academy thought so too and threw him a supporting actor Emmy nomination for season 1. Uncle Morty followed suit in January with a nomination at the Globes. The show is now in it’s third season, and I am over it.


The producers have made two egregious errors.

The first one happened very early in season 1. Young Kevin from Blankman was in the pilot, and I thought, “How is this going to work?” because he’s also Brad on Happy Endings. He was gone by the next episode, and that’s when error #1 happened. Winston. He is fucking terrible, and he is gross. No woman would date him. Kahlua from Bridesmaids does for a minute. Then an Asian girl does, and she doesn’t want anything serious, so he steals her cat. He planned to kill it, like ya do, but decided to keep it. I wish I had more specifics, but I just don’t give a fuck and can’t bring myself to go back and watch a single minute. Especially to focus on Winston. I remember thinking that I missed Coach (because he was so phenomenal in the pilot, or so I thought). Happy Endings was cancelled, and Brad needed to pay the rent, so he’s back on the show. Turns out Coach sucks too. My hope was that since he was back, Winston would go away. Wrong.

TV people already know that breaking the sexual tension between two characters or finally answering the “will they or won’t they” question has the potential to ruin a show. Just ask Fran Fine & Max Sheffield, Maddie Hayes & David Addison, and Nikki & Paolo (they didn’t hook up, but they were ruining the show). You get where I am going. Error #2 is allowing Jess and Nick to become a couple. I think this is the show’s shark. The dynamic of the roommates is destroyed. Schmidt even moved across the hall. They are cloying and disgusting. Irritation and boredom are not things you want to experience in the same show, much less at the same time. If you are still watching this shit show, I am sorry. Sorry you can’t detect the sharp decline in quality this show has taken. You could do something better with that half-hour, like take a big, nutty shit. That way, you won’t miss a second of the far superior show that comes on afterwards, The Mindy Project.

You aren’t New anymore, Girl. You’re heinous.


The Walking Dead


All of my hatred will be focused on the episode “Indifference” would couldn’t be more appropriate.


This show used to be great. There was nothing like it on TV when it started. Zombies?! C’mon! It was fresh, new, and exciting. Rick was hot, Shane was hot, and I have always had a soft spot for Daryl (ever since Gossip; I’ve only seen The Boondock Saints once and it was years ago). Then they introduced Michonne, and I love a bad ass black bitch.


Carol. My guess is before she got this role, she was a stand-in for Jamie Lee Curtis. She is giving Activia realness, and every episode I waited with bated breath for her to shit her pants. She never did. What she did do was get on my last nerve. It all started with her abusive husband, then her fucking daughter, and after Sophia died I hoped they would kill her. They didn’t. Instead, this season, she is a school marm teaching a group of little girls self-defense under the guise of storytime. More like she was grooming those girls for a molesting, so of course she didn’t want Rick to know. Carl ratted her out. Eventually, a flu or something breaks out in the prison they are living in, and while in search of a cold yogurt, Carol kills two people. Rick wasn’t up for that at all, and after a trip into town to get whatever, he eventually (SPOILER ALERT) puts her on the curb and goes back to the prison without her.

Speaking of that trip into town, how do they still have gasoline? When Rick & Activia jumped in Shane’s Tuscon, they had the windows up. Isn’t it summer? That means the A/C was on. A tank of gas won’t last me a week if I am running the air everyday, and from my point of view, they have endured 5 summers of zombies (I know it’s not true). There shouldn’t be anymore gas. Or food and medicine. And how many towns and houses are they going to raid for supplies? Wouldn’t everything be completely picked over by now? Did everyone just leave Georgia except them, and now they just have the run of the place? Bullshit.

I am just plain tired of Hershel. His accent, his new Uncle Jessie-style (not Full House Uncle Jessie) look he’s rocking, his one leg, his daughters. He should be dead.

Carl. He’s becoming a sociopath, right? He has a dark passenger for sure. He could be cute when he get’s older, but I don’t care to wait around to see.

Michonne. Why has she been watered down so? She has smiled more this season than ever. At certain points, I wouldn’t have been surprised if she turned into anime, had pinwheels for eyes, and a techicolor patterned background. What a fucking joke. At the beginning of the season, she was telling Dexter Carl that she would bring him back some candy or some shit?! What? The scene that really turned my stomach and concretized (if Tim Gunn can say it, so can I) my decision to abandon the show goes as follows:

Michonne, Daryl, Cutty, and Avon Barksdale’s little brother are walking down some path in the woods. Daryl stops and squats down to pick up a rock and looks at it for a second. Michonne says to him, “Is that jasper?” He says, “Yeah.” To which she responds with, “Good color. Brings out your eyes.” Hang on just a minute, because I am about to have a fucking stroke. “It brings out your eyes?!?!” First of all, he wasn’t even looking at her. Secondly, this from the bitch who carries a Hattori Hanso sword (that she probably stole, is that racist?!) and used to have two armless, jawless, Walkers on leashes! I just don’t buy it.

Lastly, the story has just gotten stale. Oh no, inner conflict in the prison. Oh no, let’s venture out on a fool’s errand. Oh no, Walkers at the fence. Walkers in the woods. Walkers in the prison. Walkers, Walkers, Walkers. Fucking boring. It makes me yearn for the wine soaked hijinks of Nora, Sarah, Kitty, Kevin, & Justin Walker, and I quit that show before it ended too. For those of you still watching this snoozefest, I suppose it could be worse for you. Lori and Andrea could still be alive.