Author: Maximus

#Scorpion

Scorpion_(TV_Series)

THE CAST

There are only 3 people in the cast that I have seen in something else. Robert Patrick (Alcide’s dad, T-1000), Eddie Kaye Thomas (the guy who fucked Stifler’s mom), and Katherine McPhee (American Idol, Smash). As for the rest of the cast, apparently “nothing” cancelled.

THE PREMISE

A group of geniuses is assembled to thwart the threat of the week.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Don’t. Even. Fucking. Bother.

AND HERE’S WHY

Scorpion should be a brand of toilet paper, because all I want to do is wipe my ass with this show.

Before I rip this shit to pieces, I’ll give you some background. So, back in the day (I mean, the ’90’s), a little kid wanted space shuttle blueprints to decorate his bedroom wall, so he hacked into NASA to get them. The FBI frowns on that kind of shit, so they over-converged on his house with multiple vehicles and 3 Blackhawk helicopters and snatched his little ass up. He was forced to help the government with something, and they used his genius for not what they said they were going to do, so he presumably threw a tantrum (based on his ideology of course) and deuced out. Fast-forward to now. Walter (Elyes Gabel) is an eccentric genius with issues.

Eventually he reunites with his previous government handler, Homeland Security Agent Cabe Gallo (Patrick, who needs to put down the issue of People he is reading, and slowly back out of his plastic surgeon’s office) and a bunch of “I don’t wanna, you betrayed me” type conversations ensue. Oh, and let me just say this. First of all, the dialogue is terrible. But something was said a couple times in the first seven minutes of the pilot that was giving me Gladiator-in-a-suit-style night terrors. The phrase reeking havoc on my psyche is “a million miles from normal.” They’re all geniuses and weird, and a million miles from normal. My eyes just rolled right out of my fucking head.

I keep referring to geniuses but have only mentioned the one. So, you already know circumstances require the assembly of a team, and Walker is the HGIC. Toby Curtis (Thomas) is an expert behaviorist who can read anyone. He is also a gambling addict. Happy Quinn (Jadyn Wong) is a mechanical expert. She is also Asian, which is fine, but when she speaks, a very unexpected accent comes out. I can’t place it, and I hate it. Sylvester Dodd (Ari Stidham) is a human calculator… and a big fat pussy. More on that in a minute. In the pilot, they all have to deal with a system outage at LAX but they are dealing with it from a diner in like Long Beach or Burbank. There is a waitress at the diner, Paige (McPhee), who has a genius son who doesn’t speak but sets up elaborate chess moves using salt & pepper shakers. Because she isn’t an awkward, socially inept genius (BURN!), she “translates” everyday shit for the nerds and they help her understand her brilliant son (who, of course, is a million miles from normal). Are your eyes still in your head?

Here is the type of shit you have to endure in the first three episodes. Remember the issue at LAX? To finally resolve that issue, they have to take a laptop to the tarmac, plug into a Cat5 cable (because Wi-Fi won’t cut it) that is dangling from an actively landing (but can’t actually land) 747 and upload something before the plane hits the ground. They achieve this with a Ferrari. The laws of physics go out the fucking window, and apparently that runway was 5,000 miles long. In the second episode, the daughter of the Governor of CA has been “bio-hacked” with a designer virus specific to her DNA and it’s poised to finish her ass. The investigation leads them to a pharmaceutical company’s research facility. Chubbs Sylvester is selected as the only one who can go in there and retrieve whatever files they need to save the daughter and other victims. Chubbs is scared of germs and things, so he has no interest in potentially being near deadly viruses right? But he goes in, gets to the file room. Now security is on the way, and their approach is blocking his egress from the file room. But, there is one other way out! You guessed it… through the BioHazard lab! Please show me any place where the FILE ROOM is directly adjacent to the fucking BIOHAZARD LAB. You know there isn’t a decontamination airlock between the two. Unprofessional girl.

Everything about this show is terrible. If you are enjoying this show, or any of the two scenarios I just described above, then I don’t know how you got this far in LIFE. This shit is GARBAGE. This is also allegedly based on a true story, and if so, I want to meet all of the people involved. They can’t be enjoying this betrayal portrayal. OH, I almost forgot to mention what sent me over the edge! The last straw came in the third episode. I don’t remember what the fuck was going on, but the team needed a piece of hardware that wasn’t immediately available. They find it overseas (where all the crucial shit is), and someone informs the group that “it is being overnighted from Berlin” to which Paige’s simple diner ass has the gall to ask, “Can we get it sooner?” THE SHIT IS BEING OVERNIGHTED FROM BERLIN. Bye, Felicia.

THE GRADE: F.

#MadamSecretary

Madam-Secretary

THE CAST

Tea Leoni plays a former CIA analyst who is tapped by the President to be the Secretary of State. She looks incredible, by the way.

Geoffrey Arend plays one of her underlings. You might recognize him from award season red carpet events. He always escorts a ginger goddess with giant, basketball-sized titties while playing Ann Veal to her George-Michael. I wish someone on the red carpet would dare to ask her where those chest balloons were back when she was on Firefly.

Tim Daly plays her husband, and much like his Wings co-star Steven Webber, Tim Daly is aging beautifully.

Zeljko Ivanek is here as the President’s Chief of Staff… playing a slimy, devious government official as usual.

Bebe Neuwirth, who must have blown through all of her Chicago money, is here as another underling of the Secretary. And of course, like Lillith Crane, she is all business.

Keith Carradine plays FBI Agent Frank Lundy President Conrad Dalton, and is doing so very dependably.

THE PREMISE

A extra-special glimpse into the life of a Secretary of State as she juggles… you guessed it, her job and her family! They’ve broken the mold! Anyone remember Commander-in-Chief?!

SHOULD YOU BE WATCHING?

I’m not sure. After watching the pilot, my first thought was this is the TV equivalent of vanilla ice cream on white fucking bread… and I mean bucket vanilla ice cream.

It’s a sterile, inoffensive, unexciting,¬† Ambien-like quasi-well acted yet quasi-poorly written hour-long drama on CBS. You know who loves this? Your grandmother, and probably your mom. My guess would be that the last one to two minutes of every episode have the highest ratings… because people have flipped on CBS to get ready for The Good Wife, which is a powerful, explosive, stimulating, thought-provoking, very well written, and exquisitely acted hour-long dream come fucking true on CBS.

I don’t hate Madam Secretary though. I am still watching, and by still watching, I mean I haven’t deleted the two episodes that are sitting on my DVR. I fully intend to watch them, but you know the finale of Project Runway is this week (followed by the Christian Siriano-hosted dilution of the brand spin-off Project Runway: Threads) so I am BOOKED! Madam Secretary is one of those shows that you can have on in the background while you are stalking someone browsing on Facebook, or rapid texting with a friend you have to talk off the ledge every night. Occasionally something interesting will happen that will make you look up from your phone, and you will enjoy what you are seeing, then go right back to your phone. It is too bad Nielsen can’t measure how many people are looking at their phone during a show. Nothing would make me happier than to read that the second episode (which is the last one I watched) was watched by 12.66 million viewers while another 27.4 million people stared at their phones while Madam Secretary was on.

THE GRADE: C.

#MysteriesofLaura

mysteries of laura

THE CAST

Debra Messing is playing Stacey, Grace, and Laura. Ol’ girl has no range, but I love her. Plus every time I see her, I think of the story she told on Ellen about seeing Barbra Streisand in concert. “DEBRA??! DEBRA MESSING ARE YOU HERE????”

Josh Lucas is here inexplicably. Are Stealth 2, Sweet Home Alabama 2, and Poseidon 2 not happening?

Max Jenkins I do not recall seeing in anything. Turns out he has 11 credits, one of which is (sassy gay I am sure) Receptionist on 30 Rock.

Laz Alonso has 55 credits. I couldn’t name one, but I’d guess one of the Fast and Furious movies.

Enrico Colantoni, fresh off his turn as Gianni Versace in the Lifetime masterpiece House of Versace, plays the Captain.

THE PREMISE

A lady cop juggles her job and her two hellions.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Because it’s watchable.

Grace is pretending to be Laura Diamond, who despite her name is not a stripper. She is a NYC homicide detective with two rambunctious twin boys, and an ex-husband (Lucas) who won’t sign the divorce papers. The ex-husband is also a cop, and very quickly becomes Laura’s boss. Laura is a fucking slob. Her Volvo wagon is full of trash. Her kids are hellions, but they bring a few LOLs. At one point, Grace is standing in a room on the phone wearing a bra and some Spanx, and one son says, “Mommy, are you Batman or Superman?” Trust, it’s funny. In the second episode, a little Asian kid tells her what the fuck is up. She is in a park eating a pretzel, she drops it, picks it back up and continues to eat it. The little Asian kid yells “GROSS!” and she’s all, “5 second rule.” That is fucking gross.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

Because it’s just watchable.

If Grace had ever pulled a gun on Will (or Karen), wouldn’t you have just rolled your eyes and changed the channel? Exactly. In the pilot, Laura is chasing some suspect, and she pulls her gun and shoots the guy. First of all, she is pointing the gun at the same angle as Audrina’s eyes when she’s looking at the ceiling. She isn’t hitting shit at that angle. Secondly, why is it cop shows always have the one cop that can get away with all kinds of shit? Do you think that Melissa McCarthy’s character in The Heat would be able to keep her job considering the way she treats her damn boss? Hell no. Laura is one of those. But like I said, the shit is surprisingly watchable. I may not finish the whole season, but I am watching. While I watch, I will be daydreaming about a new vehicle for Megan Mullally. How about a talk show called¬†Karen?! It can come on right after Pam.

THE GRADE: C+

 

 

#selfieABC

selfie

THE CAST

Karen Gillan, an actress I don’t know from a hole in the ground, sometimes looks like she is trying to serve Christina Hendricks realness while sounding like a foreigner doing an American accent with a dick in her mouth.

John Cho, who has clearly blown through all his Star Trek money, probably should have signed on for Harold & Kumar 4 rather than this.

David Harewood shows us all how it’s done career-wise by transitioning from a sharply written and acted breakout hit on premium cable (Homeland) to poorly conceived and hideously executed flop sweat on the #whatever broadcast network.

Natasha Henstridge making a bold career choice that’s right up there with her previous roles in top-notch fare like She Spies, Species I-III, Homeboys in Outer Space, and Chilly Dogs.

Da’Vine Joy Randolph, who plays a character named Charmonique. So you know what her role is in this.

THE PREMISE

20-something nightmare Eliza Dooley is embarrassed by a viral video of herself, so she enlists the help of the top marketing person at work to help rehabilitate her image.

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US?

This is the worst piece of shit show that I have seen in recent memory. It premiered this week on ABC, but I actually watched it last week using the Watch ABC app on my iPad. I was so traumatized by what I saw, that I retreated to a safe place and screamed for an adult. It has no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

Eliza is vapid, self-centered, and everything you would expect her to be. Henry (Cho) is stern, doesn’t get her generation, yakkety schmakkety. They both work at Kinder Kare Pharmaceuticals (so cute in its irony!). Henry is the marketing whiz that was able to rebrand some drug they make that causes… Wait. You know what? I can’t with this show. It is so fucking terrible, I can’t even continue. I queued the episode up on my iPad so I could figure out what the drug caused. After sitting through 7 advertisements, I became enraged. Fuck this show, and if you like it, fuck you too.

THE GRADE: F

 

 

 

#YoureTheWorst

You're The Worst

THE CAST

Ordinarily I would just say this show is full of nobodies, BUT, instead I will say that the majority of the cast is unknown to me.

Chris Geere is Jimmy, Aya Cash is Gretchen, Desmin Borges is Edgar, Kether Donohue is Lindsay.

THE PREMISE

Two toxic, self-destructive people fall in love and attempt a relationship.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Gretchen, Lindsay, Edgar, and Jimmy… in that order.

The show opens at a wedding. Jimmy used to date the bride. Jimmy is bitter that the bride is getting married. So much so that he is using every disposable camera on the tables to take pics down his pants. Nice. He dances with bride and they get into an argument, a scene is caused, and he literally gets thrown out the front door. He lights a cigarette, when a redhead walks up and asks to bum one. His standard response to people bumming cigarettes: they’re pretty expensive. But he gives her one. She has a giant present that she stole from the wedding along with a bottle of champagne that she is drinking directly from. Some disparaging of the happy couple ensues, then next thing you know, they are giving each other the business. Here’s the thing. I don’t know if Standards and Practices were off the day this was shot, or if they just don’t care anymore. The producers have gotten away with some of the most provocative sex scenes I have ever seen on a basic cable show. I am talking about “take my breath away blue lit” shots of pussy eating, riding cowgirl, and hair pulling doggie-style! I couldn’t fucking believe it. By the way, this show is on FX, not HBO, Showtime, or Spice (is that still a thing?).

The bride’s sister, Lindsay, is besties with Gretchen. Lindsay is a piece of fucking work. She blew four different guys at her 5-year reunion. You know what I’m saying? Jimmy has a PTSD roommate, Edgar, who is oddly attractive. Not right away, but he’ll grow on you. You can only imagine the PTSD storylines he will be involved in. Several misadventures will ensue over the course of the season, including a great episode where Gretch and Linds go on a coke binge. This show is depraved and hilarious.

Jimmy is an author that has met with limited success. Lindsay is married to a total nerd and leases a Jag. Gretchen is a music industry publicist. She has a client, Sam (who has two hangers-on called Shitstain and Honey Nutz). They have an exchange on the roof of a building after he and his crew trash a photographer’s studio because she wasn’t there. He calls her a bitch like 10 times. At the end, he nonchalantly says, “Anyway, bitch, this is your fault. You need to apologize to him for being a such a no-showing up bitch!” I am not doing it justice, but I laughed and laughed. But not like I laughed at Naomi Campbell being asked by Joan Rivers if she’s ever just wanted a Cinnabon… A WHAT?!

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

It’s more like why you can’t… the season is over. But it is available at fx.com and on the FXNOW app. So get your shit together, and get in.

THE GRADE: B+

#MarriedFX

Married-FX

THE CAST

Nat Faxon plays pretty much the same character Nat always plays.

Judy Greer is a delight, if you are watching Arrested Development. Here she is dependable, and just ok.

Brett Gelman is everywhere these days… also playing pretty much the same type of bearded crazy.

Jenny Slate so far can do no wrong in my eyes.

Paul Reiser is now a silver fox.

THE PREMISE

Russ and Lina Bowman (Faxon, Greer) are married with 3 kids and renting in Los Angeles. He works at a copy store (sort of) and she doesn’t work. They both go to extraordinary lengths to keep their marriage afloat.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

If you are die-hard fans of either Nat Faxon or Judy Greer, then by all means.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

The show is fine, but it is just that. Fine. They aren’t really breaking any ground here. If you’re a couple with kids, you’ll be staring into the future so I hope there’s booze in your house! They are mostly miserable, they’re drinking and drugging whenever they can, and living day-to-day just trying to make it through. It really isn’t funny, it is passably enjoyable. The only comedy occurs when Jess (Slate) is onscreen. She is married to Shep (Reiser) but swears she’s not a gold-digger. She loves damaged men, not that Shep is damaged though. When AJ (Gelman) goes to rehab, she visits him everyday. Not because she gives a shit about AJ (which she does), but she is more interested in making connections with the addicts there then making the whole experience about herself. She is a dream, but she is underutilized in such a way that does not lend itself to you watching an entire season of this. Nor do I see this being able to sustain itself over multiple seasons. If I were Russ, I would turn to Lina, look her in the eye and tell her so earnestly to get her shit, get her kids, and get out.

The show that comes on after this is far superior. It’s called You’re the Worst.

THE GRADE: C.

#TheStrain

The Strain

THE CAST

Corey Stoll definitely looks better bald (House of Cards), but I still would.

Mia Maestro is a name that I feel like I should know, but I don’t. Even though I have seen four of her movies.

Sean Astin serving Samwise Gamgee realness.

David Bradley doesn’t have a cat, but he is NOT THE ONE as a pawn shop owner/dude that knows what the fuck is going on.

THE PREMISE

FX says “A thriller that tells the story of Dr. Ephraim Goodweather, the head of the Center for Disease Control Canary Team in New York City. He and his team are called upon to investigate a mysterious viral outbreak with hallmarks of an ancient and evil strain of vampirism. As the strain spreads, Eph, his team, and an assembly of everyday New Yorkers, wage war for the fate of humanity itself. ”

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Guillermo del Toro is behind this, so I was on board from the get go.

This show is gruesome in the most awesome way. Other than that, I don’t really have much to say. I am watching to see where the show is going. It kind of has a vibe that makes me feel like at some point, Victor from Underworld is going to show up.

I’VE CHANGED MY MIND

The previous section was written on Aug 2, after having watched only an episode or two. It is now Sep 30 (sorry for the long hiatus, I have a day job bro), and the season is nearly over. That being said, The Strain is ludicrous in almost every way. It is gruesome, which did start out cool, but devolved into a silly plot device so that Guillermo could gorge himself on second-tier television special effects. The vampires on this show fire a giant sucker appendage out of their mouths (that kind of unfurls like the opening of a nasty flower) to suck blood from people. They are full of disgusting worms that actually carry the “virus”. They are Walking Dead slow when they walk, and can’t seem to aim their people sucker very well. Like it’s spring-loaded and the can’t control its trajectory. Fucking dumb. They put Peter Russo in one of John Travolta’s old lace fronts and it looks terrible. Mr. Filch looks older than ever, but like Russell Crowe’s son, he’s not the one. He carries a serious sword, he survived the Holocaust, and he knows one of the vampire higher-ups.

The HVIC is called The Master, not to be confused with the Scientology movie of the same name. The Master is BUSTED. I can’t wait to see his episode of Botched, because someone fucked his shit all up. The master gives me the lovechild of The Viceroy from Star Trek: Nemesis and Jocelyn Wildenstein. Sounds hot right? Nope. You kill The Master, you kill them all. At this point in the show, they think they know where The Master is. I could care less at this point, but I will finish the show. A second season seems impossible to sustain story-wise, and I don’t remember if FX hit the renewal button on this and I can’t be bothered to look it up.

When some crazy shit like that is going down, why do people always think they can save their loved ones? You can’t. In fact, once you turn into one of these creatures, the first thing you do is go after your loved ones. ‘They kill the ones they love most first.” If you didn’t roll your eyes after that, then there’s no helping you.

The Strain could have been so much better.

THE GRADE: C-

#WelcomeToSweden

Welcome to Sweden

THE CAST

Greg Poehler is serving Greg Kinnear realness! It is uncanny. Sometimes he makes a “Poehler face”, but then it’s right back to Kinnears-ville.

Josephine Bornebusch looks like the love child of Heather Graham and Elisabeth Shue.

Lena Olin plays Josephine’s mother, and when she first came on-screen I thought, “God, she looks like the shell of Lena Olin!” Turns out it is Lena Olin. She didn’t even know!

Claes Mansson plays the father. I don’t know who he is, and I don’t care to find out.

Christopher Wagelin plays the schlubby brother, and I am guessing he is Sweden’s equivalent of Tyler Labine.

THE PREMISE

NYC accountant Bruce (Poehler) moves to Sweden for a woman.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

You shouldn’t be, because this shit is terrible.

WHY ITS SO TERRIBLE

There are no jokes.

It isn’t funny.

It is 50% subtitled. Subtitles are fine (Run Lola Run), but not for an American sitcom. Do you really think the middle of the country is going to tolerate having to read the comedy? The answer is no. To me, Greg Poehler, came out of nepotism nowhere. He ropes his sister into the show, and she is mildly amusing playing herself as one of Bruce’s clients who can’t even be bothered to look away from her phone as he tells her he is moving to Sweden. By the end, she says, “Good luck in Norway” and walks out. That is the only bit of funny. Even the appearance of Will Ferrell didn’t bring the LOLs. The “fish out of water” premise will wear thin very quickly. Who wants to watch someone acclimate to a new city/country under the guise of comedy? I sure as fuck don’t. People move everyday. There shouldn’t be a TV about the aftermath of a move. I have moved 10 times in the last 12 years, all in the same city. Do you want to me watch me unpack boxes and get so drunk I can’t stand? Wait, that could be interesting. Especially when I had to deal with AT&T customer service at 4am. Perhaps not. But just in case, patent pending.

But as far as Welcome to Sweden goes, I would wipe my ass with this show if I could.

THE GRADE: F.

#WorkingTheEngels

Working the Engels

THE CAST

Andrea Martin who I know as Quark’s mom, Moogie, on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.

Kacey Rohl is someone I have never seen before, but she looks like the love child of Amber Tamblyn and Anne Hathaway by way of Amanda McCartney and Jennifer Lawrence.

Azura Skye serving up Goldie Hawn realness with her blond hair. I almost didn’t recognize because she usually plays a dark-haired Goth girl on the verge of suicide.

Benjamin Arthur looks like the love child of Matt Adkins and Larry Beougher. If you don’t know who they are, then perhaps you should look deep inside to find out where your life went horribly wrong.

THE PREMISE

The Engel patriarch dies, leaving the family $200,000 in the hole, so they all work together at his law firm to stay afloat.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

I am not entirely sure that you should be. It has some potential. Only some.

The show opens and we get a special glimpse into each of the Engels, as they throw words on-screen while some shit goes down.

The son, Jimmy (Arthur), is pretending to work the door at a club when really he is stealing wallets and shit. A guy realizes it, yells Hey!, and Jimmy bounces. Jimmy is kind of a box of rocks. He’s cute. We are treated to these facts about him: Small-time Criminal. Voted Most Popular at Juvie Hall. Afraid of Bees (which I am sure will come into play hilariously in a future episode).

Oldest daughter, Sandy (Skye), is in a parking lot driving a big ass Ford Expedition, talking on the phone about some Danny Glover-read Bible audiobook, waiting for a parking space. Then a dude in a Smart FourTwo swoops into her space. He gets out of her SUV, walks up to the Smart to tell the guy that she was clearly waiting for that space. He, of course, calls her a crazy bitch. She lets that marinate for about two seconds, then she fucks that guy up. Her facts: Former Pill Popper. Occasional Shoplifter. Life Coach.

Youngest daughter, Jenna (Rohl), is an attorney at a big law firm. When we meet her, she is getting shit on by her boss, Charisse (Kenny Power’s church bitch sister-in-law). She is one of those bosses that lords over her underlings with the possibility of a promotion that isn’t going to happen. Think Kevin Spacey in Horrible Bosses. Finally Jenna can’t take it anymore, and she decides quit and take over her daddy’s law office. But not before she rolls into a partner’s meeting, and blows Charisse’s shit up by kicking her a bottle of the chlamydia medication she had asked for and spilling the tea that she is a chronic overbiller. Her facts: Mover & Shaker. Good at Punctuation. Wishes She Was Wearing Sweatpants Right Now.

Their mother, Ciel (Martin), is a complete over-the-top mess. At the beginning of the pilot, Ciel is meeting with her attorney, who is trying to explain the financial shambles that her recently departed husband has left her in. She can’t with him, so she offers him a bottle of scotch (a bottle, not a glass) while she reaches for a bottle of wine to cope. She begins babbling about her children, and she pulls out two wine glasses seemingly to pour a glass for herself and the attorney. Nope, both for her. What becomes ludicrous is as she is babbling, she is trying to drink the wine at first one glass at a time, then both glasses at the same time, then both glasses and the bottle. Honey, if you want the wine so badly, there is a faster way. Two words: Chardonnay enema. In her drunkenness, she decides that they best way to help her children is to kill herself so that they get the insurance money. She somehow gets on the roof, glass of wine in-hand and wearing boots with 5″ heels. Doubtful. Anyway, once up there, she realizes that she is being silly and can’t kill herself. She turns around to head back the way she came I guess, when she loses her balance, falls off the roof, and lands on the grill. Her facts: Momma Bear. Dog Owner. Adventurer.

If any or all of that sounds like fun, then knock yourself out. I’d rather take two hits of ecstasy and get knocked out rather than watch this because..

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

Everything feels forced.

Martin is really hamming it up here at a volume that is unnecessary because there is no studio audience. She really needs to turn it down a notch. Rohl must have gone to the Elizabeth Keene School of Dramatic Arts, because she can barely act her way out of a hole in the ground, yet she is the most compelling character on the show. Clearly the comedy is going to be sourced from Martin’s insane mother, Arthur’s loveable idiot, and Skye’s former drug addict musings (“Mom, what are you on right now? Ativan? Percocet? Oh.. that’s valium. An oldie but a goodie.”). All this while Jenna tries to reign them all in, while practicing law?! You’ve got the wrong one today. But I will say this though. I was willing to watch a second episode of Working the Engels, and I’ll watch a third. Welcome to Sweden got no such chance.

THE GRADE: D+

#TheLeftovers

The-Leftovers

THE CAST

Justin Theroux is trying to give the Hammaconda a run for its money in those sweatpants! Even Liv Tyler said she can’t get through the pilot because it is such a distraction.

Liv Tyler is bringing her special brand of steamed cauliflower realness.

Amy Brenneman is a beautiful woman… but she is taking haggard to incredible new heights. Have another ciggie, sweetie!

Margaret Qualley plays Justin’s daughter. She is really bringing Kristen Stewart levels of boredom through an Emma Roberts style bitch face. I didn’t know the actress’s name until this very second. Her last name tells me that she is the daughter of Andie MacDowell. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen Andie’s bonkers performance in Hudson Hawk.

Christopher Eccleston, who was NORFOLK in Elizabeth, is a crazy priest in this show. Time has not been very kind to that man.

Max & Charlie Carver, aka the Scavo twins, are all grown up and I can’t tell if they are hot or not. In some scenes they are, in others they kind of look like apes. Hot apes? I can get into it.

THE PREMISE

I think the title refers to what a vagina is called after the Hammaconda’s been through. No?

Fine, on October 14th, 2% of the world’s population just up and disappears. The focus is on a particularly hard hit small town (100 people went missing) called Mapleton, and how they cope with that and the emergence of a cult.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Justin Theroux.

Justin plays Kevin Garvey, the sheriff of Mapleton. He looks better than ever. He’s not as jacked as he was in Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, he looks more like he did when he was passing that dick to Brenda Chenowith in Six Feet Under. At first he appears to be a single father to a bitch-faced teenage daughter, Jill (Qualley), and an MIA son, Sam (Chris Zylka). I can’t figure out if the son is cute. More and more, I am leaning towards yes. Sam is involved with a cult, led by a black British guy that apparently can hug the bad away. Congressmen are coming to him for these hugs or whatever is going on. We’re not sure. Jill is a typical affected teenage girl. She has this friend that looks like a white trash version of Blair Waldorf, and she has the hots for Jill’s dad.

There is a cult in Mapleton, and I can’t remember if they are related to the cult that Sam is mixed up in. I think so. They live in several houses in a cul-de-sac, they wear all white, and they don’t speak. All they do is smoke cigarettes and stare at people. Written on one of the walls in the house is something like, “We smoke to show our faith.” I hope they are referring to their faith in cancer, cuz the big C is on the way. In this cult, is of course, SPOILER ALERT, Kevin’s wife Laurie (Brenneman). We aren’t sure why she is there, why she won’t go home, or anything. Laurie, along with head smoker Patti (Ann Dowd trying to dethrone Margo Martindale as THE go-to for a boss bitch), smoke enough cigarettes and stared long enough at Meg Abbott (Tyler) and got her to join. As we all know, Liv Tyler invented the Abbotts. Right, Pamela?

The story is compelling, and I really want to know what the fuck is going on. That is why I am watching. The acting and the writing (for the most part) are great. The tone is great as is the pacing. The characters are rich and complex. I will say this though, Jill, is really changing my eye. Clearly she has mommy-issues, and that is to be expected. So Jill and White Trash Blair hit a high school party, right? They were playing some fucked up game that is kind of like Spin the Bottle (via iPhone), except when you “spin” a word will come up and that is what you have to do. Some of the words that we see come up are Fuck, Burn, Choke, and Screw. Jill is over it. But she’s playing the Spin game and it lands on CHOKE. She goes upstairs to a bedroom with a cute enough blond kid, he starts getting undressed, she has bitch face in full effect and is like, “I’m not doing anything with you.” After a second of consideration, he asks her if she would still choke him out while he jerks off. She was like, “That’s fine” and fucking DOES IT. That’s a BOSS BITCH!

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

There is no reason, unless you’re uncomfortable watching a girl choke a kid out.

THE GRADE: A