Not Bad But Not Great

#LadiesofLondon

Ladies of London

THESE HOS

Caroline Stanbury is the richest one, and she looks like a monster. Have you ever seen Krull? She looks like the Beast.

Annabelle Nielson was the muse of Alexander McQueen. She is bringing narcoleptic Emily Mortimer realness to the table.

Juliet Angus, much to my chagrin, is not an heiress to a beef fortune. She’s an American and kinda reminds me of Meg Tilly (remember her?!). She has partied with Lohan, so you know she is a fan of Lohan powder.

Noelle Reno, also an American, is at the nadir of her gold digging game and looks like a broke down Lindsay Bluth.

Marissa Hermer, also from the US, gives me Amber Tamblyn all day long.

Caprice is also from America, but has lived in London for 20 years or some shit. She is known by just her first name ( in a very Jordan kind of way).

THE PREMISE

A reality show that follows some American and British bitches navigating the British social scene.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Bravo’s mind control is strong. You can easily get sucked into a marathon of this, because watching these British bitches look down their noses and the American girls is super entertaining. It is all done so politely. It’s great. You’ll be on the edge of your seat waiting to see when Caprice’s face is going to collapse, if Annabelle is going to be thrown off a horse, and how wide Caroline can open her mouth when she unhinges her jaw to eat an assistant.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

You won’t give two shits about any of these people.

THE GRADE: any day of the week: D; hungover on a Sunday: B

@SHO_Penny

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WHAT THE CAST IS GIVING

Reeve Carney is giving me the vapors. I need to get a mint julep and sit down on the porch.

Timothy Dalton gives me “The Most Interesting Man in the World” realness.

Eva Green is pumping a real annoying Alicia-Silverstone-I’m-talking-out-of-the-side-my-mouth effect, and I just can’t.

Josh Hartnett is working the hell out of his new My Little Pony mane, but it reeks of Ethan Hawke filthiness.

Rory Kinnear straight up looks like a monster.

Harry Treadaway is darling… in a I-just-created-a-monster kind of way.

THE PREMISE

I am not exactly sure. The show is very The Mummy meets The League of Extraordinary Gentleman. It sounds weird right? It is.

WHAT I AM LIVING FOR

Dorian Gray (Carney).

He is hot. He needs to get his hair did, but he’s hot.

WHY I WON’T BE WATCHING SEASON 2

Boredom.

This show is boring.

Dorian’s presence, along with Victor Frankenstein (Treadaway), Mina (who I assume could be Mina Harker), and Malcolm Gray (serving Alan Quartermaine-level love of Africa) is why I get LXG from this show. There is a mention of the Egyptian Book of the Dead… paging Amenhotep! Otherwise, I don’t know what the fuck is going on. Vanessa Ives (Green) is a steely bitch, who is up to some supernatural shit. When she first meets circus carnie Ethan Chandler (Hartnett), she reads him for filth and it is quite enjoyable. I thought I would love her. As the episodes have progressed, I like her less and less. She went to a séance, and hasn’t been right since. Everytime she turns around, she is possessed by something, which tells me she probably needs an MRI. She starts foaming at the mouth and getting bent all out of shape and shit. I’m sure there’s a pill.

There are vampires, but they look like Powder at the peak of a drug addiction coupled with a teeth sharpening fetish. But there is only like one main vampire at a time… think Lothos from Buffy (the film, not the TV show), or the Alien queen. They all live in basements in Diagon Alley. I’m not into it. I have seen 7 of the 8 season 1 episodes, so I have the finale left. If I don’t care for the show, it is rare that the finale will hook me into the next season (looking at you, Orange is the New Black). I thought Penny had me when, SPOILER ALERT, Dorian and Ethan have a little absinthe, then Ethan decides to have alot of Dorian. It is a hot scene and I was living. By that point, I was on board with Penny. But I have since disembarked.

THE GRADE: C-

 

#Cosmos

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THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: MIKE TYSON

Neil deGrasse Tyson was on Good Morning Today with Fred Willard, who was on D.C. Follies with Mike Tyson

THE PREMISE

Science is cool.

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH

If you watch The Science Channel or Nat Geo, hungover on a Sunday, for hours on end then you know most of this already. If not, tune in.

WHY I’M NOT WATCHING IT

I have watched The Science Channel AND Nat Geo for hours at a stretch. I know this shit already.

Cosmos is as informative as it is ludicrous. Seth MacFarlane is a producer of this (which shocked the shit out of me). Why? Has he blown through all his Ted money? He must still be trying to live out his childhood Star Wars fantasies, because when Tyson first takes off in his “Ship of the Imagination,” I thought, “Boba Fett is gonna be pissed!” Then we get a different angle, and the ship is a chrome sliver of a thing that looks like the love child of Queen Amidala’s personal shuttle and a cyclops. The ship seems like a very expensive and unnecessary effect. And I don’t know whose imagination this ship sprang from, but they are about as imaginative as a piece of toast. The ship of my imagination would have warp capabilities, be heavily armed, and generally be badass like Admiral Janeway’s shuttle in the finale of Star Trek: Voyager. This ship just wills itself through space, into various atmospheres, and to all kinds of ocean depths with no change in configuration. Tyson is in a furniture-less room, alone, with a panoramic window. Speaking of Voyager, I still maintain that the first hour of Cosmos is just an in-depth look at Voyager’s opening credits. I know I am focusing too much on the “technology” in the show. Build a bridge. Don’t sci-fi me with some shit, then make it completely absurd. The cosmic radiation alone would have killed Tyson before he ever reached Mars. Guess they didn’t want to show a dead body touring the solar system… right, George Clooney?

THE GRADE: B-

#LindsayonOWN

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THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: ANNA NICOLE SMITH

Lindsay Lohan was in Scary Movie 5 with David Zucker, who was in Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult with Anna Nicole Smith.

THE PREMISE

A reality show docu-series that is basically Britney & Kevin: Chaotic but starring Lindsay Lohan.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING

Why wouldn’t you be?! It is a boring/fascinating look into the staged daily life of LiLo. Two episodes in, not a whole lot has happened. Lindsay is living in a hotel… for 40+ days, while shady landlords give her the run around. She is looking for an apartment, and complains about how living in a hotel brings back a lot of bad memories. No shit, bitch. That’s what happens when you live in a drug den at Chateau Marmont for a year and a half, and have the experience capped off with staff sliding an express checkout bill under the door totaling nearly a million dollars. Do you know how many Marriott points that would have gotten her?! Wasteful. How is she even paying for this hotel, first of all? Secondly, why isn’t she just living with Dina on Long Island while she apartment hunts? Oh, that’s right. Her mom is toxic. Instead, she empties out her storage unit and moves all her shit in with her mom. That is hilarious to me. Oh yeah, by the way, when I say “storage unit” I am really talking about a warehouse full of crates stacked to the ceiling. If Dina has furniture, you can’t see it under all of Lindsay’s shit.

Lindsay finds an apartment, but it takes her like 3 weeks to get keys, and she had to write 5 checks. 5 checks? Do you want to watch me sign lease on TV? You don’t want to watch Lindsay do it either. Her assistant, Matt, looks like he is wearing a rug and is on the verge of suicide. I could not imagine being Lindsay’s assistant. How is she paying him? Trident Layers? Lindsay has a sober coach with her also, and at one point the production asks him if Lindsay is sober, and he doesn’t know. That’s a problem. Of course, the production is put in jeopardy due to Linsday’s unreliability, which forces Oprah to come down from the palace. When Oprah comes to you to check your ass, it’s serious. That’s why I’m watching.

But let’s be honest. This show is about 7 years too late. Like Oprah, I want Lindsay to win. But that is not what I want to watch. Do you remember the picture that went around the world of Lindsay passed out drunk in the front seat of Samantha Ronson’s car? THAT is the Lindsay reality show I want to watch. Irrational drunk screaming at Samantha, shoplifting, car chases, clubs, and cocaine. YAS! But instead, we get to watch her go from fucking D-listed gig to D-Listed gig throwing tantrums, chain smoking cigarettes, and hopping in and out of black SUVs. Oprah’s coming for you, girl.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T

Do you want Oprah to come for you, too?

OWN is channel 1170 on U-Verse, 1152 on Time Warner, 279 on DirecTV, and 189 on Dish.

THE GRADE: C+

 

 

Growing Up Fisher

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THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF: STEVIE WONDER

J.K. Simmons was in Spider-Man 2 with Macy Gray, who was on An Evening of Stars: Tribute to Smokey Robinson with Stevie Wonder.

Jason Bateman was on Arrested Development with Malik Yoba, who was on The 10th Anniversary Essence Awards with Stevie Wonder.

Jenna Elfman was in Friends With Benefits with Jason Segal, who was in A Decade of Difference: A Concert Celebrating 10 Years of the William J. Clinton Foundation with Stevie Wonder.

Eli Baker was in Tiny Actions with Erica Cho, who was in Ways of the Flesh with Irene Tsu, who was in How to Stuff a Wild Bikini with Jody McCrea, who was in Muscle Beach Party with Stevie Wonder.

THE PREMISE

A kid is basically a human guide dog for his blind attorney father, who keeps his blindness a secret.

WHAT WORKS

The performances from everyone except J.K. Simmons are fine. But I am not a fan. Oh, Scientology crazy Jenna Elfman is getting good face work, because she looks frozen in time.

WHAT DOESN’T

Even though this is based on a true story, I find it to be manipulative. It is real gooey, all about feelings and overcoming adversity, and I’m not up for this shit at all. Don’t most blind people wear sunglasses all the time? Simmons doesn’t wear them because very few people know he is blind. The real guy got away with it for like 40 years or something ludicrous. Whatever, I don’t really have anything else to say about it. Once my friend Erin told me she was crying through the episode, I knew I wouldn’t watch another one.

THE GRADE: C-

Rake

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THE CAST IN SIX DEGREES OF JOEL McHALE

Greg Kinnear was in Ghost Town with Ricky Gervais who was in Spy Kids: All the Time in the World in 4D with Joel McHale.

Necar Zadegan was in Unthinkable with Carrie-Ann Moss who was in Mini’s First Time with Joel McHale.

Tara Summers was in Alfie with Sondra James who was in What’s Your Number? with Joel McHale.

Omar J. Dorsey was in School for Scoundrels with Aziz Ansari who was in What’s Your Number? with Joel McHale.

John Ortiz was in Fast & Furious 6 with Shea Whigham who was in Lords of Dogtown with Joel McHale.

Miranda Otto was in Flight of the Phoenix with Giovanni Ribisi who was in Ted with Joel McHale.

THE PREMISE

Keegan Deane is a defense attorney, and a huge fucking mess.

WHAT WORKS

Keegan’s depravity. This man is a straight up alcoholic, compulsive gambler, and womanizer. Immediately we find out he is in to his bookie for like $60G’s, he hasn’t paid his assistant in weeks, and he crashes at his friend’s place (Ben) who has a wife (Scarlet) and two kids! He is a defense attorney in Los Angeles… don’t they have money?? Oh wait, how can you have any money when you gamble it all away every week, then spend whatever money you have left kickin’ it with a $500/hr prostitute?! That is Keegan Deane. If he could get his shit together, he would be an excellent attorney. But who wants to watch a show about that?

My favorite thing so far is Keegan comes into possession of an enormous bluefin tuna, and his assistant says that she knows a restaurant that would pay like $25,000 for it. Since his bookie’s enforcer keeps coming around looking for money, he needs to sell this fish. But he is working on a case, so he has his assistant dragging this fish, in a giant cooler, all over town. I thought it was funny, because by the end, that shit would have rancid as all get out. So he couldn’t sell it, so he grilled that bitch. Enforcer comes by (mind you, at his buddies house with his family) and has some tuna instead of beating the shit out of Keegan. Doesn’t that sound fun? In one scene, Keegan is talking to an ex-Amish girl (who was living with 3 Amish men on trial for attempted murder) who was pretty hot. Keegan tell her that she should think about modeling, then tells her, “Your parents must have been beavers, because DAMN.” That was fun.

WHAT DOESN’T

If you owed someone $60,000, a piece of fish is not going to stop them from getting in that ass until they get paid. You know what I mean? It’s a tad unrealistic, and they haven’t really reinvented with wheel with Keegan’s character flaws. What has bugged me the most so far is the wife of the friend. She is a prosecutor, and sometimes goes up against Kee in court. That’s fine. But in episode 3 (I think), not only does she let Kee take her kids to school in her car (he gets pulled over, the kids don’t make it to school), she reveals a ludicrous secret that comes right out of left field. Ben & Scarlet decide to renew their vows or some horseshit, and Kee and Scarlet are outside the house talking about it, and suddenly, she can’t go through with it because Keegan used to penetrate her back in the day, and now she wants some more. This from the woman who in the first episode was pissed that Keegan crashed in their kitchen, AND had brought some bar trash back to their house for fucky fucky times in the kid’s bedroom!! He’s lying through his teeth about it while Scarlet watches the ho climbing over the fence out back. That is not someone that you go back to, am I right?

THE GRADE: C+