WHAT THE CAST IS GIVING

Reeve Carney is giving me the vapors. I need to get a mint julep and sit down on the porch.

Timothy Dalton gives me “The Most Interesting Man in the World” realness.

Eva Green is pumping a real annoying Alicia-Silverstone-I’m-talking-out-of-the-side-my-mouth effect, and I just can’t.

Josh Hartnett is working the hell out of his new My Little Pony mane, but it reeks of Ethan Hawke filthiness.

Rory Kinnear straight up looks like a monster.

Harry Treadaway is darling… in a I-just-created-a-monster kind of way.

THE PREMISE

I am not exactly sure. The show is very The Mummy meets The League of Extraordinary Gentleman. It sounds weird right? It is.

WHAT I AM LIVING FOR

Dorian Gray (Carney).

He is hot. He needs to get his hair did, but he’s hot.

WHY I WON’T BE WATCHING SEASON 2

Boredom.

This show is boring.

Dorian’s presence, along with Victor Frankenstein (Treadaway), Mina (who I assume could be Mina Harker), and Malcolm Gray (serving Alan Quartermaine-level love of Africa) is why I get LXG from this show. There is a mention of the Egyptian Book of the Dead… paging Amenhotep! Otherwise, I don’t know what the fuck is going on. Vanessa Ives (Green) is a steely bitch, who is up to some supernatural shit. When she first meets circus carnie Ethan Chandler (Hartnett), she reads him for filth and it is quite enjoyable. I thought I would love her. As the episodes have progressed, I like her less and less. She went to a séance, and hasn’t been right since. Everytime she turns around, she is possessed by something, which tells me she probably needs an MRI. She starts foaming at the mouth and getting bent all out of shape and shit. I’m sure there’s a pill.

There are vampires, but they look like Powder at the peak of a drug addiction coupled with a teeth sharpening fetish. But there is only like one main vampire at a time… think Lothos from Buffy (the film, not the TV show), or the Alien queen. They all live in basements in Diagon Alley. I’m not into it. I have seen 7 of the 8 season 1 episodes, so I have the finale left. If I don’t care for the show, it is rare that the finale will hook me into the next season (looking at you, Orange is the New Black). I thought Penny had me when, SPOILER ALERT, Dorian and Ethan have a little absinthe, then Ethan decides to have alot of Dorian. It is a hot scene and I was living. By that point, I was on board with Penny. But I have since disembarked.

THE GRADE: C-